Boyfriends friends cheat..

LegacyUser

I was out with my boyfriend last night and while I knew one of his friends cheated regularly on his gf I was just shocked seeing it. This guy has been with his gf 6 years yet openly went off with another girl without a care in the world and does so nearly every night. I seen him leave with her and asked my bf did you see that and he said no (but he did-he walked straight past us!). Another friend of his has a gf didnt actually get with anyone but was chatting girls and even bought my friend a drink. He kept asking her to shake his hand and when she didnt he told her to F*** off. I am now worried that my BF would get influenced by this behaviour. I dont think he would, but then again no one thinks their bfs will cheat and they do. Now I dont know how to feel since i am aware of their behaviour.cof

Airyfairy12

Its so common, my ex and his mates where the exact same, it was like they'd try and impress each other by cheating on their partners and seeing how many women they could get to sleep with them or chase after them. I was shocked as id known some of these men since before getting with my ex and they all seemed so down to earth and genuinely nice lads. My ex was always so convincing that he was loyal, he would literally say anything to win my trust but I discovered he'd been sleeping around since we got together and even when caught red handed he still denied it.
That being said there was a few in the group that didnt cheat on their girlfriends but they were the minority, 3 lads out of a group of 10 or 12 and a girl in the group was cheating on her partner with one of the other lads so it goes both ways.

You could try to have an open discussion with your partner but if he is or has been unfaithful it's unlikely he'll admit to it, given the group he hangs out with, its their nature to be deceitful and get away with it, they feel no shame or remorse for what they do. All you can do is take his word for it, if he is unfaithful to you he'll slip himself up soon enough, they always do.

leggo

I've known lads who've cheated and been out with them while they did so. I've also known lads who used to cheat but didn't when they met 'the one'. And I've been one of (several) lads in a group who wouldn't cheat when I was out even if encouraged and with every opportunity.

So just because his mates are doing it doesn't mean he is. But, at the same time, it's worth noting because some of these lads can lie barefacedly about it because it becomes wrapped up in their self-esteem that somehow cheating makes them 'mad'. So if you get any gut feelings, trust them a little and notice if little things don't add up. My experience is that once you open your eyes to this stuff it becomes glaringly obvious. I'm not saying be paranoid and start seeing things that aren't there, as there's every chance he's one of the ones who don't, just give him a shorter leash than you might with others if you start noticing little inconsistencies along the way.

retro:electro

I'd question why he lied about seeing his friend walk off with a girl when you say they walked right passed you and he clearly saw. To me this is his instinctual reaction, to defend his friend, act dumb and pretend he didn't see, when he clearly did. That would get me to wonder why he's doing that. Do they all have a pact where they cover for each other? Or is he unable to admit to himself that what his friend is doing is wrong because he could possibly be at it as well.

sallyanne12

I was in this exact same position OP and know how you feel. I was out with My boyfriend and his friends. Before going out, we all drank together and his friend seemed so lovely. He was talking about his girlfriend so much and showing me photos of her. In fact he was telling me how he bought her so many things that day. Later in the club, he was hand in hand with another girl after kissing her and leaving together... It made me so sad to see. I don't know the girlfriend at all but it hurt my heart to see how he appeared to love her and then does that to her. Then I thought about how he was so proudly telling me of the things he bought for his girlfriend. Maybe it was his way of not feeling guilty "oh well I bought her loads of stuff" kinda thing... Maybe see if you notice your boyfriend treating you extra well for no reason..
I also asked my boyfriend about him and he defended him and said "they aren't serious and just met". I met the girlfriend a week later and they were wrapped around each other. I asked her how long they were together and she said a year and a half. So they clearly all think it's ok. I got so annoyed at my boyfriend for lying to me and not thinking what his friend did was wrong and he said "I don't care what they do, it's not my life." I guess it's true in a way we can't worry about what other people do, but I couldn't help it. I was so close to telling this girl about her boyfriend but i just couldn't cos it wasn't my place to but just shows, we could be that girl... She was oblivious to it all

pokerbunnybear

This behaviour makes me so angry! If they want to behave like this, chasing other girls, they really should stay single!!! Can any cheating men explain why guys cheat and don't just break up and do it without hurting someone????

leggo

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

This behaviour makes me so angry! If they want to behave like this, chasing other girls, they really should stay single!!! Can any cheating men explain why guys cheat and don't just break up and do it without hurting someone????

They don't care about the girlfriend, well people that I've known anyway. They might think they do but have no real perspective for what caring about someone is. They see it like an accessory, a possession they have. And they're outwardly cocky but inwardly emotionally fragile men who try and fill low self-esteem by needing to be loved by one then fancied by many, when really they just loath themselves.

In that way, it's not personal at least, if that makes anyone feel any better. You're just a pawn in a small person's quest to learn to love themselves.

Dr Crayfish

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

This behaviour makes me so angry! If they want to behave like this, chasing other girls, they really should stay single!!! Can any cheating men explain why guys cheat and don't just break up and do it without hurting someone????

Because most of the time you can get away with it and it feels good banging different women basically. A lot of people don't feel any guilt unless they get caught.
OP, he probably pretended not to see it because he was afraid you'd judge him on the company he keeps, which is what you're doing, and I don't blame you for worrying. It shouldn't reflect on his character at all though. Some of my friends have done all kinds of crazy sh*t without their partners knowing, doesn't mean I will do same.

professore

In my experience most men who cheat like this it's obvious to everyone except their girlfriends that they cheat. When the girlfriend talks about them you are left wondering is it the same arrogant sexist ass that would put Donald Trump to shame that you know that they are talking about. In fact i bet The Donald was one of these guys.

LegacyUser

I know a guy at work, lives with his girlfriend of 5 or 6 years and constantly cheats on her. He bombards girls at work with attention, never mentions the girlfriend of course so the girls are sucked right in. People are slowly cottoning on to the fact that he's not in fact charming but rather a sleaze. He's also cheated with people from outside work and it's become common knowledge. The girlfriend is none the wiser unfortunately. I think a lot of his friends are like this also. Like some kind of pack mentality, all complicit in each others cheating. I think though that this is not the norm, but rather the exception. I'm hoping so...

What I'm trying to say OP is that like others have said here, I'd proceed with caution. The cheating lads i know tend to do a lot of lad only nights out, don't invite their gfs to any work functions and of course would be going home much later than closing time. These are only clues though, but in my experience if this goes on a lot it's a big indicator.

professore

Vimcur wrote: »

I know a guy at work, lives with his girlfriend of 5 or 6 years and constantly cheats on her. He bombards girls at work with attention, never mentions the girlfriend of course so the girls are sucked right in. People are slowly cottoning on to the fact that he's not in fact charming but rather a sleaze. He's also cheated with people from outside work and it's become common knowledge. The girlfriend is none the wiser unfortunately. I think a lot of his friends are like this also. Like some kind of pack mentality, all complicit in each others cheating. I think though that this is not the norm, but rather the exception. I'm hoping so...

What I'm trying to say OP is that like others have said here, I'd proceed with caution. The cheating lads i know tend to do a lot of lad only nights out, don't invite their gfs to any work functions and of course would be going home much later than closing time. These are only clues though, but in my experience if this goes on a lot it's a big indicator.

Yeah not inviting the gf to any work functions big red flag. And IMO any company that never invites spouses and partners to anything is toxic.

Dr Crayfish

professore wrote: »

Yeah not inviting the gf to any work functions big red flag. And IMO any company that never invites spouses and partners to anything is toxic.

That's ridiculous, I've never brought a partner to a work thing, why would I, I wouldn't want to go to their work thing!?

jimd2

vitellia123 wrote: »

I was out with my boyfriend last night and while I knew one of his friends cheated regularly on his gf I was just shocked seeing it. This guy has been with his gf 6 years yet openly went off with another girl without a care in the world and does so nearly every night. I seen him leave with her and asked my bf did you see that and he said no (but he did-he walked straight past us!). Another friend of his has a gf didnt actually get with anyone but was chatting girls and even bought my friend a drink. He kept asking her to shake his hand and when she didnt he told her to F*** off. I am now worried that my BF would get influenced by this behaviour. I dont think he would, but then again no one thinks their bfs will cheat and they do. Now I dont know how to feel since i am aware of their behaviour.cof

You really don't know the situation regarding your bf and should give him the benefit of the doubt. Probably worth keeping an eye out for the signs.

What you should do is to tell the girlfriend of the guy that did cheat, probably let her know anonymously but enough facts to make it believable for her. If the tables were reversed I am sure that you would wish for someone to tell you.

Airyfairy12

professore wrote: »

Yeah not inviting the gf to any work functions big red flag. And IMO any company that never invites spouses and partners to anything is toxic.

It doesnt always make a difference, you'd be surprised how many women don't care if a man is in a relationship or married, they'll kiss, flirt and sleep with him and not say a word to the girlfriend, ive seen it happen plenty of times.

professore

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

That's ridiculous, I've never brought a partner to a work thing, why would I, I wouldn't want to go to their work thing!?

So because you wouldn't want to go to their work thing means you wouldn't even ask if they would like to go to your work thing, as clearly all your partners brains think exactly the same way yours does without even asking them?

professore

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

It doesnt always make a difference, you'd be surprised how many women don't care if a man is in a relationship or married, they'll kiss, flirt and sleep with him and not say a word to the girlfriend, ive seen it happen plenty of times.

I wouldn't be surprised, have seen it first hand with both sexes. It's a lot easier to do if there are no partners there - and that's why it's done IMO.

Big Bag of Chips

professore wrote: »

And IMO any company that never invites spouses and partners to anything is toxic.

Such a generalisation!!!!

I worked in a company with over 500 employees. Partners could not be invited to company parties (the Christmas party was the only official work thing organised by the company) purely because of space! We would organise our own nights occasionally, but it would usually be about 20 women going out to celebrate someone leaving to get married, or have a baby etc. My partner would have had zero interest in joining the table, and I'd have zero interest in inviting him, because I'd spend the night making sure he was comfortable rather than enjoying a night out with my colleagues.

OP, its obviously a thing in his group of friends, but that doesn't mean he does it to. Maybe the fact that you were out with him is a good sign. If he was the type to want to cheat on a night out with his friends, then he wouldn't bring you along to cramp his style. It's something you just have to be mindful of now and without driving yourself demented looking for evidence, you do need to maybe be a bit more cautious than you would otherwise be. But just because his friend does something, doesn't automatically mean he does it too.

Dr Crayfish

professore wrote: »

So because you wouldn't want to go to their work thing means you wouldn't even ask if they would like to go to your work thing, as clearly all your partners brains think exactly the same way yours does without even asking them?

We're going off topic here but anyway - I go out quite regularly with my current job, none of the lads every invite their OH, why would they? It would just be a bit weird tbh.

Augme

I'd judge a lot about a person through his friends. All my friends would be similar to me, hence the reason we are friends. Now not everyone has the same standards and lots of people are happy to have "friends" just for the sake of having "friends". But there is no way in a million years would I consider some who tells a woman to **** off because she didn't shake his hand to be a friend. He sounds like a dickhead. Similar on the friend who cheats. I couldn't have respect for someone like that, and I have no interest in being friends with someone who I have no respect for.

Dr Crayfish

Augme wrote: »

I'd judge a lot about a person through his friends. All my friends would be similar to me, hence the reason we are friends. Now not everyone has the same standards and lots of people are happy to have "friends" just for the sake of having "friends". But there is no way in a million years would I consider some who tells a woman to **** off because she didn't shake his hand to be a friend. He sounds like a dickhead. Similar on the friend who cheats. I couldn't have respect for someone like that, and I have no interest in being friends with someone who I have no respect for.

You're so lucky in that you have absolutely perfect friends that never did any harm to anyone!

leggo

I'm trying to think of signs people could spot in general, but it's tough to tell. Having said that, I'd say I'm fairly good at spotting these lads a mile off, from knowing some.

People who insist upon privacy and are hesitant to share is definitely up there. I'd be the same as others in not wanting to bring a partner to work stuff (it's healthy to have separate lives and all), but I also wouldn't cut them off from ever meeting them either, so there is a line somewhere there.

Being unable to answer direct questions and able to deftly steer conversations in a certain direction (i.e. away from what they're talking about) is a big red flag. Someone who is good at that is used to lying.

I don't think people are natural liars and we give away a million 'tells' whenever we do. If I'm with someone and I know they're lying to someone about something (even if it's something harmless that it's natural to lie about or keep private, like say we had a fight and they didn't want to tell anyone), I'll always watch for what they do when they lie so I know when they're doing it to me. It actually works really well!

I've also had experiences with girls, not cheating, but other stuff and it tends to come out: like one girl I went out with immediately went for a close friend of mine after we broke up, and she did mention his name a few times randomly in the months leading up to it. So the wheels were obviously turning.

Basically anything out of sync with normal behaviour is generally worth at least questioning, not only for suspicious purposes but just checking if someone is alright. Get to know their default, watch them when they're around their friends and family and if they act differently (one bloke I know has his girlfriend convinced he plays a 'character' around his friends, and it's cringey when she says "Stop being your character!", cus to know him is to know she's the one he's acting around), and kinda measure things as you go.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Such a generalisation!!!!

I worked in a company with over 500 employees. Partners could not be invited to company parties (the Christmas party was the only official work thing organised by the company) purely because of space! We would organise our own nights occasionally, but it would usually be about 20 women going out to celebrate someone leaving to get married, or have a baby etc. My partner would have had zero interest in joining the table, and I'd have zero interest in inviting him, because I'd spend the night making sure he was comfortable rather than enjoying a night out with my colleagues.

I think it depends on the type of job and what they decide for eg. in my last place of work for xmas parties it was strictly just you no partner due to costs etc but then on casual nights anyone can come so I wouldnt be too worried about work unless others had their partners and you were left at home then theres something wrong.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Maybe the fact that you were out with him is a good sign. If he was the type to want to cheat on a night out with his friends, then he wouldn't bring you along to cramp his style.

I wasnt invited out with him and I never usually am. They dont go out a lot but when they do eg on occasions like paddys bank holidays etc its always them and no gfs.. not one ever brings their gf. I only met him out cause I was out with my friends and this is only a new thing cause I kicked up about us never going out together. Also social media is a no go.. I have to ask him to accept posts of us if I Put up a pic or something. Not a major thing each to their own but my point is there is no "public" or "social" evidence of us together which to me would be one sign of cheating..

I would only love to tell this girl. If anyone of you say the two girls been cheated on they are models, so nice and absolutely beautiful it hurts my head trying to figure out why the boys would do it. I wont tell her cause it aint my place but i did say I wouldnt lie for his friends if I was ever asked to which I was told he would split up with me if I did as it would make things too awkward between him and his mates.

Augme

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

You're so lucky in that you have absolutely perfect friends that never did any harm to anyone!

:rolleyes:


They did do harm to people, like I have. The big difference is they regretted those mistakes and didn't repeat them. Completely unlike the OPs boyfriend's friend.

BetsyEllen

professore wrote: »

Yeah not inviting the gf to any work functions big red flag. And IMO any company that never invites spouses and partners to anything is toxic.

This honestly made me laugh - a company that doesn't let employees invite partners to work events is toxic??!!
Erm ok then...

Jesus I can think of nothing more boring than going to a work event with a partner.
And I've never worked for a company that lets partners come to work events such as Christmas parties etc. None of them have been 'toxic'.
Such a weird statement to make.

Anyway back on topic - OP you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. If they feel completely OK being around guys that act this way and cover up their behaviour then he is no better. Obviously he can't control what his friends do but being so comfortable with it is a bit concerning.

I'm not saying he would cheat on you but I would be a little wary of him after seeing his friends behaviour.

I am guessing you are quite young as this behaviour is something I used to see a lot of when I was in my early 20's but as I've got older and therefore so has my circle, it isn't something I'd see now.
And if I did, I would think less of the person and think them very immature.

Lovely Bloke

professore wrote: »

I wouldn't be surprised, have seen it first hand with both sexes. It's a lot easier to do if there are no partners there - and that's why it's done IMO.

This is all kinds of paranoid!

I work in a rather large, international, company.

My wife works for a smaller Irish one.

Neither of us has been, nor been invited, to each others work do, and it's not because we are off shagging.

I've also never seen anything of the sort going on at any of my Xmas or Summer things.

Totally off the wall assumption.

professore

Lovely Bloke wrote: »

This is all kinds of paranoid!

I work in a rather large, international, company.

My wife works for a smaller Irish one.

Neither of us has been, nor been invited, to each others work do, and it's not because we are off shagging.

I've also never seen anything of the sort going on at any of my Xmas or Summer things.

Totally off the wall assumption.

OK maybe it's my limited experience. Multinationals are clearly different but of smaller companies I've seen, it's been because the boss wanted a go at some of the female staff. Of course I'm sure not all companies are like this, but it surprises me that a company would never have any family / partner friendly outings at all. Doesn't say much for their "family friendly" work policies.

pilly

Lovely Bloke wrote: »

This is all kinds of paranoid!

I work in a rather large, international, company.

My wife works for a smaller Irish one.

Neither of us has been, nor been invited, to each others work do, and it's not because we are off shagging.

I've also never seen anything of the sort going on at any of my Xmas or Summer things.

Totally off the wall assumption.

From my experience of working in various different sized organisations it's rampant within work settings for people to get off with others at nights out despite knowing that either or both parties are married.

As an interesting aside I now work for a Latvian guy and everyone's family was invited to the Christmas do, wives, husbands and kids alike and it seems that's the done thing in their culture. I think this is a lot healthier.

Tokyo

Mod:

Okay all - as this thread seems to be heading off on quite the tangent, please focus on addressing the OP's actual issue.

~mike