Getting Over Betrayal

jungatheart

Long story short, I left my husband about two years ago, it wasn't working and whilst we are both to blame in different ways, he could be quite difficult at times with a temper and stubborn manner that sometimes made life very difficult.

We agreed at that time to sell a property we owned jointly in France and to split the proceeds - this was more than fair, he put about 50K into it and I put 100K over the years into it and he did the work. He has since moved back to France and is living in the property and is now refusing to sell it, refusing to buy my share and is looking for my share for free in exchange for not going after my income for maintenance or my pension in the divorce which we are going through there next year. He is living a self-sufficient life there, growing vegetables etc. It's a total nightmare as you can imagine the idea of writing that kind of money off is sickening and whilst I could practically do it, the money is gone, emotionally it's really difficult, I'm so angry 'cause this feels like bullying and I don't want to be consumed with anger forever.

I see a therapist and we've talked it through and I'm trying to just deal with each communication from the solicitor as it happens, it's hard not to project sometimes that he gets everything and omg the rage hits then ! I have a friend who went through a difficult divorce about 12 years ago and she made a deal, in exchange for her keeping the very large house and some maintenance until kids were finishing college, she signed off that she wouldn't get any mainteanance after that or any share of his pension. Her ex had to buy a new house and he's just retired on a lump sum and pension and she's so bitter now, again, years later and I'm looking at this and thinking you got a good deal, you have a house and you're working and went back to college, you made that deal and you're still bitter - honestly, it feel so judgemental of me and it probably is but I just don't want that. I want to be able to get over all of this and move on in my life - am I being naive, is it possible ?

It all feels like such a huge betrayal as until before christmas, my husband was in touch with me and talking about the sale of the house and then boom, don't contact me anymore, if you do it's harrassment [I contacted him twice a month from July of last year by email or phone for an update on house sale] and now it's full legal and wanting a place I invested a lot of money into so I can have my own income and pension in the future. I don't know what will happen but i'm terrified of the whole process 'cause it's so nasty and I'm terrified of having to make this deal so I can live independently and it will really hit me as such a huge loss and betrayal - it's not the money, it's the act itself. It's hard not to feel hurt and betrayed and to think he lied from the start and that he thinks it's ok to treat someone in this way.

The_Honeybadger

He is chancing his arm and hoping you will just give up. Gather any evidence you have of the money you put in and get appropriate legal advice. It may drag on for quite some time so be prepared for that. Do not give up your rightful share of the property until you have sought advice on the matter. If he is trying to manipulate or intimidate you cut all contact and let your legal representatives deal with him.

He should be paying you rent for staying there btw.

jungatheart

Thanks so much, I have cut off all contact and everything is now through solicitors. It feels like such a slog and a lot like intimidation or bullying and tbh, some days it's very hard to feel it'll never end. It's when it's going around and around in your head, it's hard to see reality of owning a property jointly and I'm out working and he's choosing not to so of course, he'll get everything ! It's completely soul destroying but I'm trying really hard not to let it make me bitter generally but it's had a huge impact on my ability to trust people. Also, it'd make you wonder about the legal profession - you'd imagine his own solicitor would tell him this was a riduculous ask but sure maybe they dont' think that way and like the games to go on for a bit. It's the ironic thing of making life really hard for himself in the end. I have sent all bank statements which show money going from my account to a joint account there for the house to my solicitor so let's see what happens. Thanks again.

Rubberchikken

the fact that he changed his thinking after returning to france makes me think he's being 'advised' by someone or at the least, listening to someone else. others can do that, project their feelings/opinions onto someone who was being reasonable (i use that term loosley) with you.

it may be that you'll have to wave goodbye to the money invested in the house to offset any future financial involvement with him and if so, the rage about this will pass with time.

good luck

LegacyUser

I think you should put your friend's situation out of your mind for a start, there seems to be very different circumstances and criteria. More importantly, besides what you feel betrayed about or what was taken from you, what were you left with after the split and what was his circumstances between the split and his return to France?

pilly

Do you have a house here OP? And if so is it a joint house?

Big Bag of Chips

This is what you employ solicitors for. Just because he suggests something, or you want something, doesn't mean you get it. It's negotiating, and each solicitor is obviously going to look for the best deal for theirclient. He has put a proposal on the table. It's up to you now to accept, reject or offer a counter proposal. You will eventually meet somewhere in the middle, and if you don't a judge will decide for you.

As already suggested, stop looking to your friend and her deal. No separation is easy, and your friend is an entitled to feel bitter and have a moan as you are!

GingerLily

Why would you not include the house in France in your divorce settlement?

How many properties do you own?

Does your ex husband have anywhere else to live?

jungatheart

This is the only thing we own so that's why it's important - we don't own anything else or have any other assets. I'm prepared to sell him my share in it for a very small amount of money, about 25K but he wants the whole thing for nothing in exchange for not pursuing my income and pension. I work full-time in a job, he works for himself and in many ways has now made a lifestyle choice. I'm not comparing myself to my friend at all, she just made me think that I don't want to be thinking about this in years to come, I want to be happy with the decision that I make about all of this and move on. My solicitor has gone back to his to point out that I don't have excess funds to pay maintenance, that he could find employment in the area if he wanted and that my offer of 25K is reasonable. I understand it's a process of negotiation and it feels nerve-wracking and it will end in time but it's just so awful.

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jungatheart

I put 120K into the house so I think him getting the whole thing for 25K is a gift [that's my offer to him, that i will sell it to him for this amount but he wants it for free in exchange for no claims] - it's all a process and early stages, nerve-wracking and I don't have a large income or pension so there's not much to claim off.

pilly

jungatheart wrote: »

This is the only thing we own so that's why it's important - we don't own anything else or have any other assets. I'm prepared to sell him my share in it for a very small amount of money, about 25K but he wants the whole thing for nothing in exchange for not pursuing my income and pension. I work full-time in a job, he works for himself and in many ways has now made a lifestyle choice. I'm not comparing myself to my friend at all, she just made me think that I don't want to be thinking about this in years to come, I want to be happy with the decision that I make about all of this and move on. My solicitor has gone back to his to point out that I don't have excess funds to pay maintenance, that he could find employment in the area if he wanted and that my offer of 25K is reasonable. I understand it's a process of negotiation and it feels nerve-wracking and it will end in time but it's just so awful.

I actually don't understand how he would have any claim on your income or pension?

Am I wrong in thinking that there's no spousal maintenance in Ireland unless children are involved or the carer of the children had given up their career to look after said children?

I honestly don't get why you'd have to pay any maintenance.

And if the property is France is your only asset you're right to be angry, I'd be fuming also.

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Johnson_76

Call his bluff.

Best of luck.

Golfwidow

Your spouse has an automatic right to a percentage of your pension dependant upon the time you were married while you contributed to it. This amount would be calculated through a pension adjustment order, I believe. So, yes, it would be great if you could break all financial ties with your ex and never have to worry about your pension!!

racso1975

pilly wrote: »

I actually don't understand how he would have any claim on your income or pension?

Am I wrong in thinking that there's no spousal maintenance in Ireland unless children are involved or the carer of the children had given up their career to look after said children?

I honestly don't get why you'd have to pay any maintenance.

And if the property is France is your only asset you're right to be angry, I'd be fuming also.

Sorry but yup you are wrong there is spousal support orders in ireland

Keepingitreal

I really feel for you as I can imagine it is not easy. Regardless of the decision you make, I hope you it is the right one for you in the long run! I, like you would be more concerned about forever existing ties or/and bitterness.

I hope it all goes the way you need it to go xx