Should i go for it?

LegacyUser

Boards member but going incognito for this one.
I`ll try to keep this as short as I can.
A couple of years back I was friends with this girl (lets call her Fiona) in college. We were part of a circle of very close friends, which included her boyfriend.
Long story short, me and Fiona grew very close - late night texting, FB chats etc.
One night we were on a night out with our friends and her boyfriend was at home and we kissed.
It was like neither of us realised we felt that way and that kiss just turned the lights on.
Afterwards, we tried to ignore it but the attraction was there and over the next while I`d come over and we`d spend time together watching movies, chatting, kissing.
There was some sexual stuff but we only had full sex once. It really wasn't about that.
She wasn't happy in her relationship as he didn't treat her too well. Not her telling me, I saw it first-hand. One night on a night out he was ranting in her face about something and I told him a couple of times to stop, I’m not at all violent, but he just wouldn’t stop ranting at her so I ended up pulling him back from and holding him against a wall by his collar.
When she tried to leave him he manipulated her by telling her he was going to kill himself.
She was such a sweet girl. I told her that even if we didn't end up having a relationship she should leave him.
But she felt guilty about cheating on him and he weaselled his way into keeping her.
I know that sounds like sour grapes but he actually knew about the affair but he completely ignored it. He picked up her phone one morning and found our texts where we had been being planning to spend the day cuddled up on the sofa together while he was at work.
He woke her up and asked her about them and she replied I don't want to say, he replied "Ok, what do you want for breakfast?"
He never confronted me about them. When she told me about this I didn't go around to their house for a few days and it was him that noted my absence as I`d usually have been around regularly.
Even before that friends of his had pointed out how close me and Fiona were and that he should watch it.
His attitude to it all was very strange. The only way I can make sense of it was, he didn’t mind what she did, as long as he still had the comfort of a relationship.
They had stopped having sex a couple of months before the affair began and I was actually in the car with the both of them when he confronted her about it.
After a few months I realised I needed to move on with my life and the whole thing wasn't healthy so it ended. I kept my distance from both of them but was cordial if I met them.
As life goes I moved out of the area and lost contact.

A couple of months ago Fiona texted me. Just a simple "Hi, been ages, how's life treating you?" type text. I still believed that they were together so I ignored her.
I recently learnt (tonight) that they were probably broken up for a while when she text.
This was clearly her reaching out to me. Something I would certainly be open to even if it’s just as friends. As I said she`s a lovely girl and we were so open around each other. To this day, we know things about each other that no one else knows.
I do wonder what would have happened had we both been single when we started being romantically involved. It’s been a few years so I’ve simply let go of it so it’s never anything more than the odd day dream when I think about the whole thing.
What should I do?
I really don't want any judgement as I say the affair was a few years ago now.

Tokyo

Regardless of what happened in the past (what's done is done), the fact of the matter now is that the relationship with her ex is now over. So there's no reason why you shouldn't catch up with her. One thing worth noting though is that she hasn't said or done anything to suggest that she wanted to do anything more than catch up with an old friend, so if you do decide to catch up, don't do so on the presumption that you will have all of your 'what if' questions answered. That's not to say it won't happen, but fro now treat it as meeting a friend, otherwise you might set yourself up for a let-down.

BetsyEllen

I definitely think you should go for it OP.
Strong feelings were there, she obviously still thinks of you or she wouldn't have text.
It's worth exploring anyway - you've already said that even if it's just friendship you'd be happy with that so I don't think there's anything stopping you.

Best of luck

PraxisPete

Once you're happy enough with her riding other lads it's worth a go.

BetsyEllen

PraxisPete wrote: »

Once you're happy enough with her riding other lads it's worth a go.

Actually that's a fair enough point. I didn't think about that before I posted...OP she was with you whilst in a relationship so that is definitely something to think about before you get too involved.

I'm not saying that people can't change - they most certainly can - but you do need to keep in mind that she cheated.

Edited - for poor choice of wording.

The Princess Bride

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Actually that's a fair enough point. I didn't think about that before I posted...OP she was with you whilst in a relationship so that is definitely something to think about before you get too involved.

I'm not saying that people can't change - they most certainly can - and yes I know her BF was threatening silly things like suicide but she did still cheat.

Suicide is hardly a silly thing, now, is it?
I was once in a relationship where he threatened suicide when I said I was leaving.
I stayed.
Until one day I couldn't stay any longer as my head was wrecked.
But it wasn't easy.
Emotional blackmail isn't an easy topic to discuss when you're facing it full on.

While this girl was unfaithful, she was also in a verbally abusive relationship so am sure her head wasn't in a sensible place.

Go for it OP, life is for living.
Hopefully she was long enough away from him to heal and get counselling.

BetsyEllen

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Suicide is hardly a silly thing, now, is it?
I was once in a relationship where he threatened suicide when I said I was leaving.
I stayed.
Until one day I couldn't stay any longer as my head was wrecked.
But it wasn't easy.
Emotional blackmail isn't an easy topic to discuss when you're facing it full on.

While this girl was unfaithful, she was also in a verbally abusive relationship so am sure her head wasn't in a sensible place.

Go for it OP, life is for living.
Hopefully she was long enough away from him to heal and get counselling.

I posted that earlier and then re-read it, I did think to myself that doesn't sound great you should edit that but then something came up and I actually forgot until now.
Apologies for any offence to anyone, it was badly worded.

sReq | uTeK

So you're riding this guys bird and you're all sharing a car journey whilst he knows about it.

Seems a bit ****ing mental to me.

Yellow pack crisps

There is a right and wrong way to do things in life and you both chose the wrong way and that will always be between you.

You paint her ex in a bad light but he as it stands did nothing wrong, only Fiona and you did and I think trust would be a huge issue if you were to go forth. Thread carefully.

Big Bag of Chips

So you haven't heard from her in months? Maybe she's seeing somebody else by now. I don't know, it could be one of those things that was always meant to be, you just both went about it arseways. I suppose there's no harm in making contact again if you're curious. But don't pin all your hopes on it. Her relationship was a really bad, but still given the option she chose to stick with it rather than break free and be with you.

She was unhappy for months and stayed. Yes, people can say she felt trapped, pressured, manipulated, whatever, but it transpires that the relationship did eventually end. You got one, vague text a few months ago and nothing since.

I think, just because you'll always wonder, you should contact her again. But don't get your hopes up.... And I hope it works out for you.

If she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you.

Big Bag of Chips

Not always necessarily true.

BetsyEllen

barrier86 wrote: »

If she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you.

I don't believe this.
I would say there is a higher chance of it but it's not a rule - anyone can make mistakes and learn from them.

People mature and can't always be judged on something they done in their past as they could well have changed.

bucketybuck

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Maybe she's seeing somebody else by now.

Didn't stop her before.

Exclamation Marc

Be wary. If someone is willing to cheat on their other half repeatedly in their shared home, there's clearly something deep inside them that thinks that sort of behaviour is acceptable in some scenarios.

People do change and mature but that extent of cheating is a very hard trait to move away from.

I got with my ex years ago with her cheating on her then-bf. She then cheated on me down the line. I dumped her and the next long term bf she's with, she's cheated on again.

Bambi985

It all sounds a bit messed up, probably too messed up for you to have any potential as a couple.

If she stayed that long in an abusive relationship, and is now texting you as soon as she's single, it suggests she has no business being in any kind of relationship at all til she sorts herself out. There'll be self-esteem issues at play, co-dependency issues, and then this big elephant in the room of her essentially having cheated with you and is that going to happen again etc etc.

Just an opinion of a random person on the internet but I don't think she's worthwhile thinking about romantically.

leggo

It depends on the context of the cheating. My rule of thumb for myself is that those who cheat with you, cheat on you. But, at the same time, if a relationship is absolutely toxic and the person is trying to get out but keeps getting pulled back in out of guilt, sense of duty etc...I'd kinda see that slightly differently. And that pretty much describes this.

I know I semi-cheated on a girl I was with (she broke up with me, technically, but she did that every time I disagreed with her on anything, then would get back with me when she calmed down and I knew that was the case) with a mate and I didn't/don't feel one bit guilty about it. I was in an awful relationship where I felt I had to keep going back because of reasons beyond actually wanting to. My confidence was shot and I felt I couldn't do any better and my brain had become so warped I kinda started to believe a lot of the stuff she'd tell me about myself. Hooking up with someone who actually cared about me gave me that back and made me feel like myself again, it let me know I had options and didn't have to feel mistreated. I'd never, ever do it to someone I truly cared about, but this girl kinda had it coming, and tbh it sounds like this guy did too (though two sides to every story and all that).

If you're still interested, I'd say why the hell not see the lay of the land.

triona1

You lose them the way you found them.