Should I date this girl or not [Mod warning 2nd post]

LegacyUser

Ok, so to summarise this story.
I met a girl from another culture about 3 years ago. I met her through an online dating website. Now I'm not the best looking of guys and quite overweight. She is a very dainty pretty lady so I have always been unsure how she felt about me or why she really wants to be with me.
When I met her, she had split from her husband not long before. Basically she had married him but didn't love him but because they were married, it allowed her to come to Ireland as he has Irish residency if not citizenship.
So we started a relationship, had some nice dates and had an intimate relationship. However I was always insecure as to whether she really liked me for me or saw me as security and a future guarantee so that she could stay here. She's very traditional, doesn't work but does courses and is on social so I think she see's her future as a housewife to an Irish guy. Without a job and after her marriage failure, she's in real danger of been sent home. She has no real interest in a career.

Now we broke up after about 6 weeks after meeting but for the last 3 years, she has determinedly stayed in touch. She constantly states that she wants a relationship, move in with me, get married and have kids etc but I am unsure as to her motives. I have a fear that she will just use me to get citizenship and go her merry way. But she may be genuine. She says she loves me. I have feelings for her but sometimes find the cultural difference a little difficult. Yet, if she went back to her home country, I would miss her. We have met occasionally in the 3 years since we broke up and were intimate on one occasion since.

Part of me wants to embrace her and have a relationship, marriage, kids etc as I want that for myself and have been single for a long time but part of me says that I should run a mile.

An additional complication is that my rather traditional family may not accept her. They know nothing about her.

Help!

Taltos

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ShRT

I think not. If there is no established relationship after 3 years then there is little likelihood of a long term relationship forming. Add the citizenship on top and it does seem as if they are looking for someone to give them rights rather than love

LegacyUser

Thanks ShRT.
Well the reason that we haven't had a relationship over the 3 years is that I've dug my heals as I was unsure about her motives. She has been persistant though and we have met up a bit more frequently in recent months. I'm tempted to give it a shot and see what happens as I am tired of being single and not getting any younger.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't know how to put it to you without sounding horrible but here goes... I think she's looking for a way to stay in Ireland. She has already proved, by marrying her ex, that she's prepared to do whatever it takes to stay here. A guy who's insecure about his looks and has been single for a long time is exactly the sort of person she'd target.

You're building an awful lot out of a 6 week relationship and sporadic contact since then. And yet, she claims she loves you??? It might not be registering on your bullsh!t radar but it sure as hell is on mine. That's before you add in the detail about how she's unwilling to work, has her beady eye on our social welfare system and is "traditional". Sorry mate but you should be running to the hills. How about instead of focusing on her motives, you invest in yourself? Lose the weight, get a new haircut, a new wardrobe and see if you have any better luck finding someone whose motives you don't rightly doubt.

lifeandtimes

3 years is a long time to he batting back and forth.

You mention she has no plans on getting a job but how has she supported herself in 3 years?

If I had a woman contact me for 3 years after we had only gone out for 6 weeks id seriously worry if there was something wrong with her,if you don't feel that way then think what else would make her stay in touch with you, I hope you can read between the lines of what I'm saying here

Meauldsegosha

Todateornot wrote: »

However I was always insecure as to whether she really liked me for me or saw me as security and a future guarantee so that she could stay here.

... I am unsure as to her motives. I have a fear that she will just use me to get citizenship and go her merry way.

OP trust your instincts. You know deep down she sees you as a mealticket and her chance at an easy life.

Lose some weight, work on your self-esteem and confidence. The right person is out there for you but it's not this woman.

LegacyUser

Thanks Ursus and Life
Well it's not quite as clear cut as that. I do think she really wants to settle down and have a family and a stable life all be it supported by me. (she's on social welfare currently). If she just wanted to stay in Ireland then she could have just stayed married to her ex. I think the reason she didn't is that he can't provide that stable a life for her and there are other complications.

From knowing her over the years, I've known her to be slightly dishonest over small things but not the type to have a master plan to entrap a guy as her meal ticket to stay in Ireland. She comes across as quite genuine. Now I know she married the other guy to get here but I think she really wanted to leave her home country and was desperate and made a foolish mistake.

Maybe I'm cutting too much slack here though, I do take your points. It would be a huge risk for me to take to go through with a relationship and more, I could be counting the cost for years to come.

Purple Mountain

While she's there in the background for the past three years it sounds like you haven't allowed yourself be open to the possibly of anyone else.
Whatever about her possible motives she sounds like your safety net too.
You've been given some practical advice here, I'd also add in joining a club or class and expanding your social circle to see who else is out there.

Tokyo

Todateornot wrote: »

However I was always insecure as to whether she really liked me for me or saw me as security and a future guarantee so that she could stay here....

...I am unsure as to her motives. I have a fear that she will just use me to get citizenship and go her merry way....

...Part of me wants to embrace her and have a relationship, marriage, kids etc as I want that for myself and have been single for a long time but part of me says that I should run a mile.

If what you say is true, then is doesn't matter what her intentions are. She may very well be genuine in how she feels about you. She also may very well be not, and might have an ulterior motive. But none of that matters if you end up together with this person and spend your days constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If you get together and she is genuine, then she'll be in a relationship with a man who never trusts her, and who will always feel that the only reason she's with him is for citizenship, which sounds horribly unfair on her. If you get together and she is in it for citizenship or support, then your entire relationship will be predicated on a lie, which is horribly unfair to you.

So ultimately the question isn't one of motive, or culture, or family - it's 'do you think you could ever trust this person and love them?' Because if you can't honestly answer 'yes' to that, then the rest is moot, and it's time to find someone you can have those feelings for.

Ursus Horribilis

So why is this woman not working? And why does she not want to work? Is she disabled? Or just incredibly lazy and a leech?

Todateornot

Todateornot wrote: »

She's very traditional, doesn't work but does courses and is on social so I think she see's her future as a housewife to an Irish guy

In what tradition does a woman not work, take part in a sham marriage, can get divorced and have extra-marital sex?

Todateornot wrote: »

she had married him but didn't love him but because they were married, it allowed her to come to Ireland as he has Irish residency if not citizenship ... Without a job and after her marriage failure, she's in real danger of been sent home. She has no real interest in a career.

Todateornot wrote: »

If she just wanted to stay in Ireland then she could have just stayed married to her ex. I think the reason she didn't is that he can't provide that stable a life for her and there are other complications ... I've known her to be slightly dishonest over small things but not the type to have a master plan to entrap a guy as her meal ticket to stay in Ireland

OP, I'm really sorry to have to say this but she does come across as exactly the kind of person to have a master plan to entrap a guy as her meal ticket to stay in Ireland. I don't think she's even being that discreet about it!

Her first husband isn't an Irish citizen, so in order to stay permanently she is looking to marry an Irish citizen and she's made it patently clear that this person will be a "meal ticket" as she has no intention of ever working.

How dare she? If she's that desperate to stay here she should get a job and apply for residency herself instead of trying to manipulate you into marrying her.

In fact, I wonder what would happen if you told her you'd be happy to have a relationship with her but you, for example, don't believe in marriage so that'll never be an option.

silverharp

it sounds like a minefield and you seem to be coming at this from a place of low self esteem so it doesn't look like its a match made in heaven. And for the woman here it looks like any Irish guy will do, would you be comfortable supporting her and taking a risk down the road if you had bought a place and you ended up losing your home?
At the risk of being trite the best thing you could do is close down this car wreck and invest in a gym membership, you can then approach relationships on your terms

jones 19

Alarm bells on her been dishonest on small things, what small things ?

Emme

Todateornot wrote: »

Thanks Ursus and Life
Well it's not quite as clear cut as that. I do think she really wants to settle down and have a family and a stable life all be it supported by me. (she's on social welfare currently). If she just wanted to stay in Ireland then she could have just stayed married to her ex. I think the reason she didn't is that he can't provide that stable a life for her and there are other complications.

From knowing her over the years, I've known her to be slightly dishonest over small things but not the type to have a master plan to entrap a guy as her meal ticket to stay in Ireland. She comes across as quite genuine. Now I know she married the other guy to get here but I think she really wanted to leave her home country and was desperate and made a foolish mistake.

Maybe I'm cutting too much slack here though, I do take your points. It would be a huge risk for me to take to go through with a relationship and more, I could be counting the cost for years to come.

Has she ever worked since she came here? If the answer is "no" then run. She is looking for someone to support her and give her a lifestyle without her having to lift a finger for it. She sounds like the sort of person who would deliberately get pregnant to trap a man.

You have very valid doubts about her and there are good reasons for those doubts.

The most important thing is that you focus on yourself. Get fit. Lose some weight. Get advice on a good haircut and flattering clothes. Get out more and maybe join some meetup groups. All this will build your self-confidence. You say you aren't getting any younger. This is no reason to settle for somebody who is out to exploit you. If you work on yourself you will find that getting older is no limit to finding somebody genuine and honest who is willing to pull her weight economically and isn't out to rip you off.

mapaca

You don't trust her. There are too many doubts in your mind, not a good basis for a marriage IMO. Worst case scenario, you could marry her to give her citizenship and she could still feck off and leave you high and dry once the paperwork is signed.

Don't settle for someone you don't trust and tie yourself to them just because you're tired of being single. You say you met her through online dating, have you kept that up? There are plenty of other lovely genuine women out there for you to meet, don't pin all your hopes to this one. Best of luck.

Ursus Horribilis

Here's another question for you. If she's a very dainty pretty lady, how come she's still single 3 years later? Why has she not been snapped up?

beertons

She sounds like a bullet that should be dodged. Look elsewhere.

Neyite

Others have addressed the relationship issues better than I could so I thought I'd take a different angle.

Please don't marry someone to have kids. Kids can and do test even the strongest of relationships when you parent together. It's brilliant and hard work but unless you've a solid foundation of trust and feel that the other parent is pulling their weight it can put a very big strain on a relationship, destroying those that were already fragile in the first place.

Then there is another consideration - the way we were reared as Irish kids, and the way that she may have been reared in her culture. Those differences can be stark on issues like discipline, gender bias, religion, and other cultural norms.

Then you need to check would you be expected to send money home to support her family, as the traditional 'head' of the household, or support other relatives of hers in their bid to come to Ireland.

It really does have disaster written all over it - if you were barely a couple, would you even pass a visa interviews?

Teyla Emmagan

Do you like her OP? If so then why don't you give it a go? If you really think you could be happy together it is worth considering. Especially if you can support her and the ten kids she plans on having with you. If you need a partner to contribute financially then forget about it but there is nothing wrong with going in with your eyes open. Very good unions have been based on less.