Religious excuse?

NW21US

Hi boardies, my first time posting and I hope I will get some opinions on this matter.

My boyfriend has just moved in with me after dating for a year. I haven't met any of his friends and family. He haven't met my family either as they live in different country. It's ok with me haven't met his parents yet because they live 5 hours away from us and I was away a lot during our relationship but it's not ok that he has no plan to introduce me to his sister who lives 20 mins drive from us. All my family know we live together and they are happy for us.

My problem is : He can't tell his parents that he lives with me because they are Catholic and they don't believe in living together before married while his sister lives with her partner close to their parents's home and they are not married. I am not Irish. I don't have a Catholic family so I am just trying to understand his problem . He said his family is very loving and supportive but why can't they be happy and supportive of his decision living with someone he loves?!

I had a long term ex, he is Irish with a Catholic family too but he is mature enough to do what he wanted and what he felt right and he wasn't afraid of living his life the way he wanted it and his parents loved us and supported us from day one so it's not about Catholic or not. My now boyfriend is 29 years old and he is afraid of telling his parents, perhaps his parents are more religious than others?! but his sister does it, why he can't. Is it just an excuse? I'm 100% feeling secure but this matter bothers me as I don't believe you should hide anything important from your family if you have a loving and supportive family. Perhaps I'm from a family where we can express our love, opinions, thoughts, feelings openly and easily so it's harder for me to understand his problem. It would be great to hear some opinions on this. Thank you.

Penny Tration

Do his family even know you're together? Not meeting any family, even the ones who live nearby, after a year, is very strange IMO. Religion doesn't seem like a reasonable excuse. It may be an excuse to not tell his parents you live together, but why can't he introduce you to them or his sister as his girlfriend?


Have you met his friends? Do people actually know you're in a relationship? It all sounds a bit worrying, I'd feel as though my boyfriend were trying to hide me if I were in your position.

silverharp

tbh I think most parents in their 50's or 60's know they cant control their kids anymore in this regard. His parents will be hearing lots of stories of neighbour's/relation's kids that are living together , so what might have been "gossip" 30 years ago isn't anymore. i'd believe his fear is real but he needs to learn to relax about the whole thing. You should certainly ask him about his timeline to introduce you to his sister and family and maybe suggest he talks to his sister so as to work out a way of bridging the issue with his parents, most likely she will be an asset here.

I agree with Penny ... together a year, now living together, and you've never met any of his family or friends, and he has no plans to change this. I would find this very unsettling.

You should sit down with him and explain how you feel about this, try to find out more accurately why he's not introducing you to people.

mapaca

You have been together a whole year and you haven't met ANY of his friends or family? Not even workmates? This seems odd to me. I would be addressing this issue first.

He says his parents wouldn't approve of you living together, but how can you take his word for this when you haven't met them? Something doesn't add up here.

njs030

Not wanting his Catholic parents to know you live together is one thing, being together a year and not having met any of his friends or family is very strange.

I had an ex like this, we were together over a year and I didn't meet any if his family or close friends. I met a few work friends to keep me quiet I think!
I ended it because I realised someone who was serious about a relationship with me wouldnt be hiding me away and having 2 separate lives.

Think carefully about what he is doing and where your relationship can go while he hides you from the important people in his life op.

Typer Monkey

Are you of a different ethnicity OP? Could it be that his parents are racist maybe? Does his family even know you exist? Whatever the reason I would see refusal to integrate you into his family and friends circle as a huge red flag. I had this happen with an ex and it was ultimately a warning that he didn't take the relationship seriously (he was also cheating on me wholesale and so preferred to keep his life in separate compartments),

NW21US

Penny Tration wrote: »

Do his family even know you're together? Not meeting any family, even the ones who live nearby, after a year, is very strange IMO. Religion doesn't seem like a reasonable excuse. It may be an excuse to not tell his parents you live together, but why can't he introduce you to them or his sister as his girlfriend?


Have you met his friends? Do people actually know you're in a relationship? It all sounds a bit worrying, I'd feel as though my boyfriend were trying to hide me if I were in your position.

Thank you for your reply. I don't know if he ever mentioned to his parents that he has a girlfriend but he said he talked to his sisters about me.

I haven't met any of his friends. He told me he doesn't have many friends. All his friends don't live in Dublin. He used to share a flat with 2 guys and when he moved out, he sent them a text saying he is moving out, he never mentioned moving out with a girlfriend. He won't tell his work colleagues or anyone he is in a relationship or living with a girlfriend. I asked him why, he said he is just a private person, he doesn't like to discuss his personal life with others. I do feel like he is trying to hide me.

NW21US

mapaca wrote: »

You have been together a whole year and you haven't met ANY of his friends or family? Not even workmates? This seems odd to me. I would be addressing this issue first.

He says his parents wouldn't approve of you living together, but how can you take his word for this when you haven't met them? Something doesn't add up here.

Thanks for your reply. I think the same, I never met his parents, how does he know they wouldn't approve?! I was out for lunch today and accidentally I bumped into him and his workmates. He did a small talk, he was acting awkward and didn't introduce me to them. His colleagues were staring at me from far but they have no idea my boyfriend is walking beside them. I am so upset right now and I do need to talk to him.

Floppybits

This is a serious red flag.  I get he is a private person but that is no excuse for not introducing you to his family or friends. what is he going to do, hide you away forever? I would be confronting him about this.  I don't want to cast aspersions or doubts but if it was me I would be wondering what is he hiding.

Duvetdays

The fact he's hiding you from literally everybody suggests he's either in a relationship already or you say your family are from another country possibly he is embarrassed about where you come from. Either way it doesn't bode well for your relationship if he's not willing to admit you exist how can this relationship progress to marriage or children.

JillyQ

Op what you have described would raise major red flags for me. I would demand to know what the real reason is as to why he hasn't at least introduced you to his friends. Also it seems like he is hiding alot from you as well I would start asking questions about that is. His friends and family obviously know things about him that you don't.

eviltwin

I'd run as fast as possible away from him. Anyone who refuses to allow their partner to be a full part of their life is bad news. Whatever about his parents that doesn't explain how dismissive he was with you in front of his work mates, is he going to use the religion argument there too? He's treating you like dirt, don't make it easy for him.

NW21US

Duvetdays wrote: »

The fact he's hiding you from literally everybody suggests he's either in a relationship already or you say your family are from another country possibly he is embarrassed about where you come from. Either way it doesn't bode well for your relationship if he's not willing to admit you exist how can this relationship progress to marriage or children.

Thank you for the reply. I'm half Japanese and Swiss. I was educated in Switzerland and Canada but my parents live between Hawaii and Japan, they plan to visit us in May so my boyfriend will get to meet them. He had been to my country before we met and he loves it so much. He wanted to live there but it was too expensive in Tokyo so he had to move back to Ireland. I don't see any reasons why he should be embarrassed about where I come from. He admitted being annoyed sometime when I get a lot of attention when I'm out or walking beside him. I am told I'm attractive, I like to dress well, keeping fit. I'm open, social, friendly person. I don't understand why he would hide me away from everyone for so long and when asked he said that's not the case. He says he loves me so often and I'm the best thing that happened to him, he shows me a lot of love and he is a very caring partner. He is kind, smart, he makes me laugh and there are many great things about him I can think of. He was a bit insecure being with me before but since we moved in together he is totally at ease and happy. I don't want to end this relationship because of him not introducing me to people but I'm not 100% happy. I don't want to keep asking him about it. He will give me the same answer " I'm not hiding you, I'm proud of you and we will meet my family and friends when there are opportunities ". Thank you everyone for your great opinions. At the moment, I don't know what to do but deal with it until I'm so unhappy. I will have to walk away. I don't understand what's going on in his head, what is he afraid of?!

Emme

NW21US wrote: »

Thank you for the reply. I'm half Japanese and Swiss. I was educated in Switzerland and Canada but my parents live between Hawaii and Japan, they plan to visit us in May so my boyfriend will get to meet them. He had been to my country before we met and he loves it so much. He wanted to live there but it was too expensive in Tokyo so he had to move back to Ireland. I don't see any reasons why he should be embarrassed about where I come from. He admitted being annoyed sometime when I get a lot of attention when I'm out or walking beside him. I am told I'm attractive, I like to dress well, keeping fit. I'm open, social, friendly person. I don't understand why he would hide me away from everyone for so long and when asked he said that's not the case. He says he loves me so often and I'm the best thing that happened to him, he shows me a lot of love and he is a very caring partner. He is kind, smart, he makes me laugh and there are many great things about him I can think of. He was a bit insecure being with me before but since we moved in together he is totally at ease and happy. I don't want to end this relationship because of him not introducing me to people but I'm not 100% happy. I don't want to keep asking him about it. He will give me the same answer " I'm not hiding you, I'm proud of you and we will meet my family and friends when there are opportunities ". Thank you everyone for your great opinions. At the moment, I don't know what to do but deal with it until I'm so unhappy. I will have to walk away. I don't understand what's going on in his head, what is he afraid of?!

You say his family is very traditional and maybe his friends are too. Some traditional people, not so much now, but in the past, weren't very travelled and weren't interested in issues outside their own immediate circle. People like that might find you intimidating. I don't mean that in a bad way.

Tell your boyfriend how you feel and tell him you want to meet his parents soon as yours will be coming over and he will be seeing them.

Neyite

How often has he seen his family members in the year you've been living together? If he's not gone home often, he might not actually be close to them.

It might it be possible that his family are a bunch of racists or whatever and he is trying to shield you from that behaviour. Or it could simply be that he brought a girlfriend home before and it ended badly so he's decided to not give them any information until you are both moving to the next phase of your relationship.

You do need to talk to him though. The religious angle is not holding up if his sister is apparently living in sin 20 mins away from you and hasn't been cast out of the family. Ask him to talk about this - pick an evening where you've got time to discuss it properly and ask that he be honest with you. See what he says and take it from there.

Duvetdays

I get why he wouldn't introduce you to his parents if they were racist and he didn't want to admit what kind of family they are that he'd make up an excuse. But to not even introduce you to his friends is crazy. You need to sit down and have a proper talk and don't accept the religious excuse and be prepared about what you really want to happen to this relationship if he refuses to acknowledge that there's a problem there somewhere. I hope it all works out for you op.

eviltwin

I wouldn't get too hung up on his reasons, there is nothing you can do to change - nor should you. This is his issue, not yours.

Regardless of his reasons if this relationship has any chance of working he has to get past it and start introducing you to people. Otherwise what is the point?

Are you happy to be the girlfriend he keeps hidden because he feels he can't introduce you to people? Are you happy to take a back seat in his life? Because that is what it is like when you are in a secret relationship no one can know about. That's not a relationship.

I wouldn't even be bothered giving him an ultimatum at this point, I'd end it. If he can't even acknowledge how disrespectful and unfair to you he is being then you are better off without him.

pilly

OP, I definitely wouldn't tolerate this behaviour. He's not telling you the truth, there's something else going on. You can't have a relationship where the couple don't tell each other the truth.

Apart from anything else, you mentioned that you met him when he was with work colleagues and he didn't even introduce you? That would be enough for me to finish with him. If he's proud of you why wouldn't he introduce you?

pilly

OP, I definitely wouldn't tolerate this behaviour. He's not telling you the truth, there's something else going on. You can't have a relationship where the couple don't tell each other the truth.

Apart from anything else, you mentioned that you met him when he was with work colleagues and he didn't even introduce you? That would be enough for me to finish with him. If he's proud of you why wouldn't he introduce you?

Emme

pilly wrote: »

OP, I definitely wouldn't tolerate this behaviour. He's not telling you the truth, there's something else going on. You can't have a relationship where the couple don't tell each other the truth.

Apart from anything else, you mentioned that you met him when he was with work colleagues and he didn't even introduce you? That would be enough for me to finish with him. If he's proud of you why wouldn't he introduce you?

I wonder if he has dull boring girlfriend at home who suits his religious parents. This man could be leading a double life.

Eric Cartman

I would be concerned about not being introduced to friends, as you pick your friends, so any right minded person wouldn't pick people they couldn't introduce a partner to.

The family is a different case, if he's only going to see his parents / sister a handful of times a year or less, chances are theres some sort of family issues that he may not want to involve you in yet or at all. I don't agree with all these people jumping straight on the double life card.

Theres the potential here that you have somebody who had an awful childhood / has really racist/alcoholic/abusive/insulting parents and he's tried to phase them out of his life and you're dragging it all back up. What do you have to gain from meeting them if he doesn't want you to. You being happy by ticking a box off your 'normal relationship' things list could have implications of sustained abuse, having to relive awful memories from the past or being the last straw in a strained parental relationship he's trying to save by keeping any controversy off the table.

Alf Veedersane

Eric Cartman wrote: »

I would be concerned about not being introduced to friends, as you pick your friends, so any right minded person wouldn't pick people they couldn't introduce a partner to.

The family is a different case, if he's only going to see his parents / sister a handful of times a year or less, chances are theres some sort of family issues that he may not want to involve you in yet or at all. I don't agree with all these people jumping straight on the double life card.

Theres the potential here that you have somebody who had an awful childhood / has really racist/alcoholic/abusive/insulting parents and he's tried to phase them out of his life and you're dragging it all back up. What do you have to gain from meeting them if he doesn't want you to. You being happy by ticking a box off your 'normal relationship' things list could have implications of sustained abuse, having to relive awful memories from the past or being the last straw in a strained parental relationship he's trying to save by keeping any controversy off the table.

The OP has no issue with meeting the parents because they're 5 hours away anyway.

Sister is 20 minutes away and apparently he talks about the OP to her. But yet they're now living together and he hasn't introduced her to his sister.

Nor any of his friends.

And was downright strange with her in front of work colleagues.

OP, you need to sit him down and get him to explain himself. To be honest, there's a lot of explaining to do to maintain a relationship and maybe there are reasons for the behaviour that are acceptable to you. But until you get him to explain his behaviour, it's going to eat away at you.

amtc

I have a good friend who has been seeing a guy for five years. PShe has never met anyone. His answer is that it's a part of his life he wants to keep for him. Separate email. Separate phone. Totally by coincidence she ran into him with work colleagues. Dropped her hand and turned his back.

It's a wannabe affair!

Ursus Horribilis

The irony is that if he'd simply said "This is Mary" to his colleagues and exchanged pleasantries, that would've been the end of that. His odd behaviour simply drew more attention to him.

It's one thing to hold back on introducing a girlfriend to one's family when the relationship is new. At this stage you're a year in and living together. It's long past the time for keeping things low key. He's either hiding something or he's ashamed of you.

amtc

I had a thought? Where did you spend Christmas? Together or separately?

And do his parents never come to Dublin?

Ursus Horribilis

Neyite wrote: »

You do need to talk to him though. The religious angle is not holding up if his sister is apparently living in sin 20 mins away from you and hasn't been cast out of the family.

People of your boyfriend's parent's generation are generally not as staunchly catholic as he'd have you believe. If they were, there'd hardly be an Irish adult under the age of 45 in contact with their families. Most people in their 60s and 70s have been faced with their adult children doing things that go against catholic teaching. Living in sin, having children outside of wedlock, getting divorced, having children by different partners etc. The parents might not always agree or be happy with what has happened but they're pragmatic and more compassionate than the stereotype would have you believe.

I also wonder how well you know this guy. You're only dating a year and that's not always enough to get a grasp on the sort of person you're with. What's ringing alarm bells for me is his relationship with other people. He's in Dublin and doesn't appear to have formed any sorts of friendships. He sent his flatmates a text(!) to say he was moving out. Does that not strike you as odd?

NW21US

amtc wrote: »

I had a thought? Where did you spend Christmas? Together or separately?

And do his parents never come to Dublin?

We have been together just over a year so last Christmas I was away skiing with my family and he was at home with his parents. He was invited to my family trip but he wanted to spend Christmas with his family because his brother was home from Australia. His parents came to Dublin a few times to the airport so they spent a few hours with my boyfriend and his sister in Dublin. I was either away or I was in work so I didn't get to meet them. I aske him to give me a notice when his parents in Dublin next so I can change my schedule around to see them but no news of them coming to Dublin soon and he hasn't yet mentioned when we are going to see his sister. It's St Patricks weekend, we have 3 days off but he booked us a holiday elsewhere instead of visiting his family as I suggested to him a few weeks back.

NW21US

I also wonder how well you know this guy. You're only dating a year and that's not always enough to get a grasp on the sort of person you're with. What's ringing alarm bells for me is his relationship with other people. He's in Dublin and doesn't appear to have formed any sorts of friendships. He sent his flatmates a text(!) to say he was moving out. Does that not strike you as odd?[/quote]

You are right, I don't think I know/ understand him enough. He is so defensive whenever I mentioned his family/friends. I asked myself the same questions, why he doesn't have many friends while living in Dublin for so long and why didn't he get on with his 2 other flatmates who he was sharing a house with for 3 years. He has a family wedding coming up in July and he said I'm invited so hopefully I will get to meet his family and relatives but it's still not right that he doesn't plan anything with his friends when he has time while I'm always busy out and about with people I have made an effort to know when I first moved to Dublin.

amtc

Just to set the cat amongst the pigeons...

...at least it doesn't seem he's cheating.

...maybe some people just don't need people. I have a really close friend and I know he counts me as one. But he's been ill for almost a year and I haven't seen him. He counts two others as good friends but hasn't seen them for ten years in one case! He just doesn't need people.

...i would suggest to be introduced at a family wedding is the wrong thing. My cousin married last year and her brother brought his girlfriend of 4 years whom no one knew existed. Given that we all thought he was gay it took focus off bride.

...is there a birthday in between? Might be an option...easter? When I met my then boyfriend's parents we stayed in a hotel near them and went out for lunch. Max two hours. Ended up closer to them than boyfriend!

fergiesfolly

Regardless of his motives, YOU'RE not happy.
Why would you want to spend your life with someone who makes you feel this way.
None of what he's doing makes any sense and you don't need to put up with it.
Walk away and find someone who can love you as you deserve to be. Openly, not hidden away like a guilty secret.