Messy quadrangle dont know what to do

LegacyUser

Ill jump straight in.. my best friend started working with my boyfriends ex girlfriend about 4 months ago. They have since left that employement where they met and now work in a new department together. They are both aware of the connection involved but my best friend has developed a friendship with her, so close that they stay at each others houses and go out drinking together. My friend proceeds to put up snapchat stories of the two of them on nights out but I dont know how to feel to be honest. My bf thinks my friend is disloyal and been horrible but I havent said anything to my friend. Should I or just let it go?

Tokyo

If I'm reading the situation straight, and I think I am, your boyfriend's reaction to this is quite bizarre, and yours too somewhat by extension.

Just so we are clear:

• Your boyfriend broke up with his ex.
• Somewhere down the line he started seeing you and is currently in a relationship with you.
• Your friend became friends with his ex, and enjoy their social lives together.

In terms of your relationship, your friend has no horse in that race, and is by no means obligated to run her friendships by your boyfriend for approval. Your boyfriend's ex is in a similar position - she doesn't have to justify her friendship to your partner either.

I'm not entirely sure how your ex thinks this is being disloyal, or what he thought would happen after breaking up with his ex - did he really think that he should be able to exercise control over who she befriends? And more importantly, why he's so bothered by who his ex is friends with, if he's seemingly moved on and is in a loving relationship. Depending on how it ended between them, it sounds more like a petulant response of the 'I-don't-want-her-to-be-happy' type, or concern that badmouthing about his previous relationship might get back to you through the grapevine.

Big Bag of Chips

You seem jealous that your friend is friends with your bf's ex, and they are having a good time. Staying in each other's houses, socialising etc. Why would it bother you? Has your friend other friends separate to you? Do you have any issue with those friends? People can have many different groups of friends that never overlap, so if you feel uncomfortable about meeting up with your friend when she is out with her other friend, then just don't. You can tell her that you'd feel a bit awkward. Which she'd probably completely understand.

But don't say anything to make her feel like she is doing anything wrong. Because she's not. And I have a feeling of you bring it up with a "her or me" attitude you might just find yourself losing out. The ex is just a person. Probably a nice person who your friend has clicked with. You and your bf are irrelevant to her friendship.

Edit: does your bf often socialise with your friend and her other friends? If not, why would this affect him?

LegacyUser

Definitely let it go! There is no "messy quadrangle" here. 2 people dated, split up, & now happen to have mutual friends. It's Ireland. If you blank everyone who's dated your friend or your friends OH, there'd be no one left to talk to!

BetsyEllen

How on earth is this a 'messy quadrangle'?
Talk about overthinking things...

All this is is silly, immature jealousy and you need to get over it.

LegacyUser

I am not crazy jealous over this,of course no one is going to be over the moon that their best friend is becoming close to their bfs ex its not the ideal situation but I know my friend isnt doing it deliberately or anything like that. I would however be very displeased if my friend brought her in to my company like on a night out. That would cross the line a bit.
But its my BF that has more of a problem with it, he said its totally unacceptable for my friend to behave like this and i need to nip it in the bud right away before it becomes stronger.. why would he be so hung up on it though: is he afraid ?

BetsyEllen

confuseddotcom123 wrote: »

I am not crazy jealous over this,of course no one is going to be over the moon that their best friend is becoming close to their bfs ex its not the ideal situation but I know my friend isnt doing it deliberately or anything like that. I would however be very displeased if my friend brought her in to my company like on a night out. That would cross the line a bit.
But its my BF that has more of a problem with it, he said its totally unacceptable for my friend to behave like this and i need to nip it in the bud right away before it becomes stronger.. why would he be so hung up on it though: is he afraid ?

Maybe she hurt him and he doesn't want to see her out socially.
How does he think you're going to 'nip to in the bud' though? It's out of your control who your friends is friends with.
I guess you could explain to her that you don't want to ever be in a social situation with the ex girlfriend so please don't bring her along to anything but that's all you can really do.

woodchuck

confuseddotcom123 wrote: »

I am not crazy jealous over this,of course no one is going to be over the moon that their best friend is becoming close to their bfs ex its not the ideal situation but I know my friend isnt doing it deliberately or anything like that. I would however be very displeased if my friend brought her in to my company like on a night out. That would cross the line a bit.
But its my BF that has more of a problem with it, he said its totally unacceptable for my friend to behave like this and i need to nip it in the bud right away before it becomes stronger.. why would he be so hung up on it though: is he afraid ?

Your friend doesn't owe your boyfriend ANY sort of loyalty in relation to this!!!

Frankly his reaction is really really bizarre. He needs to just cop on and get on with it. You can't dictate to grown adults who they can and can't be friends with.

Tbh I'm starting to wonder if he has something to hide... maybe he's afraid of some dirt the ex has on him that he doesn't want you to find out about?

njs030

confuseddotcom123 wrote: »

But its my BF that has more of a problem with it, he said its totally unacceptable for my friend to behave like this and i need to nip it in the bud right away before it becomes stronger.. why would he be so hung up on it though: is he afraid ?

Do you know why they broke up? How long before you met did they break up?
I would think it's one of two things going on, either he genuinely doesn't like his ex for reasons such as she cheated on him, treated him badly etc and doesn't want her being any part of his/your social circle, or he's scared she has information that could cause him problems.

Either way he can't tell your friend what to do and he can't expect you to dictate to her who she can be friends with.

Maybe you need to sit down and tell him you're concerned about his attitude to your friends new friendship and you'd like an honest conversation about why.

retro:electro

confuseddotcom123 wrote: »

I am not crazy jealous over this,of course no one is going to be over the moon that their best friend is becoming close to their bfs ex its not the ideal situation but I know my friend isnt doing it deliberately or anything like that. I would however be very displeased if my friend brought her in to my company like on a night out. That would cross the line a bit.
But its my BF that has more of a problem with it, he said its totally unacceptable for my friend to behave like this and i need to nip it in the bud right away before it becomes stronger.. why would he be so hung up on it though: is he afraid ?

Eh. How dare he tell you to "nip their friendship in the bud". The cheek of him and the cheek of you as well. The only thing unacceptable here is how you're acting, totally selfish and entitled. Your friend is doing nothing wrong. Although keep going the way you're going and you won't have to tell her to nip anything in the bud, because she'll have distanced herself away from you as far as she can.

Hrududu

Maybe he's paranoid that his ex will tell your friend something that will get back to you.

kylith

Tell him that you're not going to attempt to police who your friends socialise with.

He needs to get over himself, tbh.

Big Bag of Chips

He is obviously still hung up on this ex. If he didn't care, he wouldn't care! How likely is it that your friend will start bringing her along on your nights out?! How likely is it that she'll actually go along on your nights out? I think if I was his ex I'd be avoiding him like the plague! Does your friend usually bring other random friends along on nights out that you're on?

His reaction is ott. Only he knows why he's behaving like that. But your friend has no loyalty to your boyfriend. Why should she? The ex girlfriend, I assume, has never done anything to hurt you or upset you, so why should your friend distance herself from her on that score? Your bf is immature. Simple as that. Is he going to insist that people he knows or who know you can never speak to or hang around with this ex? What if you and he split up and he tries to dictate who you become friends with. The connection is too far removed from him for him to have any say. It's even too far removed from you for you to have a say.

You're all adults, and should be able to deal with this as such. If your bf doesn't want to risk bumping in to her on a night out, then it's up to him to avoid that situation, not dictate to other where and when they can go out.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Has he given any reason why he has a problem with it or is just one of those 'it's just not right, because' things? How long ago did they break up?

Honestly I think a more natural reaction to the situation would be to be perturbed that your boyfriend is apparently pretty hung up on the ex, rather than being annoyed that your friend made a friend who happened to go out with your boyfriend.

Look, maybe she was a horrible girlfriend or it was a horrible break up and he's allergic to the thought of her, fair enough it happens. But I cannot see how he could think it's reasonable to tell a partner to tell their friend who they can be friends with.

This is not a messy quadrangle in any sane universe, it's a totally unremarkable situation arising because you live in a small country and people have pasts. It's completely up to the two of you how big a deal it has to be.

Big Bag of Chips

I still can't get my head around why your boyfriend would be so bothered about who your friends are friends with! If you had suddenly become best buds with his ex, then maybe that'd be a bit weird. But your friend is a step removed from him. I'm sure your friend has other friends that your bf has never met so why does he think your friend will be pushing this friendship in his face? And why does he think his ex would have any interest in being brought into his social circle? It's not even HIS social circle!! It's your friend!!!!

leggo

I'm a bit more sympathetic towards the OP. I'd be put out if certain exes came back into my life in a roundabout way. A couple left such a bad taste in my mouth I'd actively push against any involvement with them in future (in other words, if we're out in a group situation and they're there, I don't want to be there so please don't ask me to be). But I wouldn't go so far as to try **** stir between a girlfriend and her friend in order to do so.

Having said that, this could just be a poor judgement call from a guy in a similar boat. It doesn't mean there's any skeletons in his closet he's trying to keep from the OP. But either way, OP if I was you I'd use this as an opportunity to lay down a marker and dictate that, while you understand his position and aren't fully comfortable with the situation yourself, you and him are powerless to stop it as it's your friend's life and she can be friends with who she wants. Reason being: if he has this slightly manipulative, controlling side to his personality where he thinks he can dictate stuff like this to other people, you DEFINITELY don't want to enable it and want to stamp it out as soon as it rears its ugly head, because if you don't it'll soon start affecting YOU and who you can be friends with.

December2012

Your boyfriend is acting very controlling and trying to start hassle.

It's none of his business who his ex is frievds with.

It is none of his business who your best friend is friends with.

It is none of his business to bring you into this and try to set you against your best friend.