Offering advice to new parents

tempnam

How do you feel about giving advice to people who have had their first child and are new to the whole thing?

A simple thing such as putting a hat on a new born when out & about in the current weather we're having.

It's a bit of a minefield as I know first hand what it's like to have others telling you what you 'should' be doing.....

Theboinkmaster

If people want advice let them ask for it

tempnam

Theboinkmaster wrote: »

If people want advice let them ask for it

That's what I do. I don't go dishing out unwanted advice.

It just occurred to me though that in certain circumstances, for example when a baby won't settle and the parents are trying things and wondering why..... and you're thinking to yourself "the baby is probably just cold" it could have helped matters.

But on the other hand that might not have been the issue at all, and bringing it up could have just caused tension

jlm29

Advice is very helpful if you want it/ask for it, and terribly annoying if you don't. It's never going to be just one person offering their tuppence worth either, it's probably many. I found that the first time I got pregnant, I was a bit like public property- everyone felt they could comment, advise etc, sometimes to the point of rudeness. It's worn off a bit by now (third baby, no one cares any more!!), but I do remember the annoyance!

LegacyUser

If they ask for it....yes.If they don't....no generally I won't.Certainly not on the topic of hats or anything like that.It's not my child, and I'm not an expert even if I have two of my own.I don't really appreciate that kind of advice myself so I can't imagine anyone else does either.

Theboinkmaster

tempnam wrote: »

It just occurred to me though that in certain circumstances, for example when a baby won't settle and the parents are trying things and wondering why..... and you're thinking to yourself "the baby is probably just cold" it could have helped matters.

In that scenario I'd still just keep my mouth shut.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd never tell anyone to put a hat on their child! I hate people commenting on how my children are over or under dressed in their opinion. Things like putting a hat on a new born are usually told to you in the hospital or by the phn when she comes to visit. Newborns are usually well snuggled up in whatever they're brought out in. A hat, or lack of is hardly likely to cause too much distress.

I don't offer unsolicited advice. The only advice I usually offer is 'do what suits you and your baby, you're the one who knows your own child best'.

Chocolate fiend

I always want to offer advice when I see babies in car seats wearing jackets or coats. I don't though. I hope I never regret that.

KKkitty

Parenthood is all trial and error really. My youngest sister is expecting her first baby in October and if she asks me for advice I'll give it but every baby is different. What works for one baby may not work for another. You could give advice and it's the wrong advice.

farmchoice

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

I always want to offer advice when I see babies in car seats wearing jackets or coats. I don't though. I hope I never regret that.

why whats going to happen to them?

munchkin_utd

giving advice though can mean various things.

Saying at a certain moment that the child should be more (or less) wrapped or should be doing (or not doing) something is actually not advice, its critism of the parenting of the person you are scolding for not doing it the way you rationalise is correct.

proper advice is a helpful hint in advance, maybe that own brand aldi nappies are just as good or better than a branded one or certain wipes are good (or bad) or other hints and tips that maybe the person would find as a help rather than a criticism.

so yea, helpful advice is good, probing jibes that someone is doing everything wrong isnt.

brevity

"The worst vice is advice"

Unless someone asks, I wouldn't offer any. People get tetchy when their parenting techniques are being questioned.

Neyite

farmchoice wrote: »

why whats going to happen to them?

Padded jackets under straps of a car seat can increase the likelihood of injury in a collision as the straps are looser on the body to allow for the padding.

farmchoice

Neyite wrote: »

Padded jackets under straps of a car seat can increase the likelihood of injury in a collision as the straps are looser on the body to allow for the padding.

ok another one where a tiny bit of common sense should see you alright.

jlm29

farmchoice wrote: »

ok another one where a tiny bit of common sense should see you alright.

Unfortunately, common sense isn't that common. And it seems to be little known, or else much ignored, that babies and children shouldn't be wearing their winter coats in car seats.

pwurple

Common sense is quite uncommon in my experience!
I generally don't say anything about clothes... because in fairness, babies don't need hats unless it's sub-zero or blazing sun. It's mid-grey around 90% of the time it seems like here. Plus, my mother seems to think children should be dressed like the michelin man at all times. The poor things can't even move their limbs when she sends them out. She's had rows with me because I take the coats off when getting into the car.  I have many many memories of being unpleasantly overheated for most of my childhood. 
I don't know if this counts as advice, but in my own house I generally try to keep everyone alive. I go ahead and take hazards off babies rather than waiting for the parent to do it. For example: Baby picks up a load of tiny lego that other children are playing with, I hand them a chewable book and put the lego out of reach... that kind of thing. Someone did get snotty with me, when I took a beaded necklace out of a babies mouth so they didn't choke themselves in my kitchen. Apparently it was for teething, Why a teething thing had to be in chokable bead format... I'll never understand the logic there, and thank feck those yokes are out of fashion now again, but that's another conversation. But yeah, pretty sure that mammy thought I was an interfering bint.

Big Bag of Chips

munchkin_utd wrote: »

Saying at a certain moment that the child should be more (or less) wrapped or should be doing (or not doing) something is actually not advice, its critism of the parenting of the person you are scolding for not doing it the way you rationalise is correct.

I think quite often people don't appreciate how anxious parents, especially new parents, can be. And even well meaning 'advice' can send them into a spin of panic that they are somehow doing it all wrong. I have one friend who would be quite anxious about her parenting. Suffered with PND on her first baby. Things and comments that would wash off others would linger in her mind an awful lot longer. Often she'd ask me if something was ok or not because someone mentioned she should/shouldn't be doing something particular. My kids are a little bit older than hers. I find myself repeating to her over and over that she is the mother of her child and people love to be an expert on everyone else's children!

So definitely agree with the above. Advice on nappies and wipes which I found great, or expensive accessories that you might not need etc could be helpful to somebody. Pointing out to an already nervous and anxious parent that their child is over or under dresses, or fed, or whatever else is just butting in with your opinion. And whilst most people will take or leave your "advice" others could be unnecessarily hurt by it.

The amount of aul wans I had telling me they should be wearing socks, or hats, or gloves, or they're too big for the buggy, too small to be walking, too early/late for them to be sleeping! I nod politely and move on. Others mightn't shrug it off so easily.

infogiver

If I know that a first time mother of a newborn has herself got a mother or a sister who already has a child, and that she is close to them, then I would leave it entirely up to them.

taylor3

Oh God I remember this well. When I was pregnant on my firstborn a friend of mine who had 2 kids of her own really got to me. One particular instance was about 3 weeks before my due date she paid me a visit. I was showing her a new born outfit that I had just bought, it was size 'newborn up to 8.5lbs' and she literally laughed and said "I hope you kept the receipt" when I asked her "why" she looked at me and said "your baby won't fit into that look at the size of your bump, your baby will be much bigger than 8lbs." I was so angry it was just the way she said it with the laugh en'all. Your weeks later my baby was born weighing 6lb 10oz. Needless to say I made sure that when she came to visit me I made sure my daughter was wearing that exact outfit and in fact it was big on her, she wore it on and off for the first 6 weeks or so. My advice is so not give it unless you are asked for it and be sensitive do not treat a first time parent like an idiot. We all learn and will get there in the end.

mohawk

I remember being given out to a few times by relatives for not wrapping my son up warm enough. Even though I knew he was perfectly happy. A few years later he was diagnosed with Autism and it turns out some people on the spectrum have issues with regulating temperature.
There was also the so called advice in relation to feeding him. From talking to my friends a few of us had mothers who took it personally if we did our own thing and did things differently to how they did them.
I was first of my close friends to have a child and as I told my friends when they had their own was ignore all advice, you know your child the best.

wuffly

Basically don't, unless the child is actually at risk or you've been asked.

Example, my thoughts are different from the OP's due to my own experience... we were heavily advised against putting a hat on our baby as they lose heat through their heads allowing them to regulate temp (somewhat) and keeping a hat on can cause them to overheat etc...
(I don't live in Ireland but AC everywhere makes it colder inside that outside)
Anyway how to dress your baby and what does and doesn't work for them is something parents learn over time.

I'm sure people judge me if i don't have hat on my son if we are out in the heat, (he pulls it off straight away) he's wearing suncreen, he doesn't have a lot of hair... and he's always in the shade as evidenced by his uber pale skin. But walking through a park if you were to look at him you might think 'why doesn't she put a hat on that poor child'

I have never been against the concept of giving or receiving advice - solicited or not. The main issue tends to come down to _how_ the advice is offered. And some people really fail at that art.

I was talking about this with another boards user ages ago as it happened. He was discussing a situation where one of the kindergarten mothers came over to his partner and said "Would you not put a hat on that child - so I can stop going around worrying about your child?".

10 out of 10 for how _not_ to give advice to another parents and how to be completely snide and outrageous while doing so there.

Compare that to my conversation with a friend recently. He was showing me videos of his son in the play ground as I do not see him - or his son - that often. In a few of them his toddler was climbing on play ground equipment still in his bike helmet.

"Oh" - I said "You'll have the No Bike Helmets In Playgrounds Crowd up in arms with that one."
"Ah - is that a thing?" he asked me.
"Think so - I will dig out some links and send them on to you later - apparently some deaths and injuries associated with it".
"Ah great - could be interesting - thanks. ".

That's it. He was made aware of a _possible_ issue he was not previously aware of - and it was offered in an entirely non-judgemental way and despite it being entirely unsolicited - I was thanked for it.

Advice is a good thing. How you give it - or expecting people to instantly conform to it once given - not so much.

ncmc

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

I always want to offer advice when I see babies in car seats wearing jackets or coats. I don't though. I hope I never regret that.

This is such a tricky one. A girl I know through a mum's page on FB posted a picture of her son in his car seat recently. He was wearing a big puffy jacket and the straps of the seat were really loose and gripping him around his forearms rather than over his shoulders. Basically if she had an accident that child was going flying. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to come across as judgey, but I think the correct thing would have been to say something regardless of how it was taken.