Very confused

Alittlehelp78

Please bear with me this might be long.

I am going out with my oh 3years we got engaged at Christmas. Since we seem to be very unhappy. Over the last 3 years we had a lot of ups and downs... her family have been very interfering as in always on top of us.. anytime i bring it up it ends in an argument. I moved to my OH town and sold my own house before xmas. We had a big fight last week and things have been strained since.. after a lot of thinking i think the best thing is to take a break for a while.. thing is i still love her I have lost all vigour for life...

I have thought about renting a room in a house but how do I explain this to family and friends.. I just afraid of what people will say.

I might not make much sense but I'm not good at putting thoughts on paper

LegacyUser

You have been going out with your girlfriend for 3 years and got engaged at christmas. Since then you sold your own house and moved to her home town. That is a lot of change in a short period of time.

Can I ask did you feel presure from your girlfriend to get engaged/did her family or your family keep mentioning this? Are your friends/family all getting engaged/married/having kids?

You have told us that your and your girlfriend have had a lot of up and downs. Any couple can have these. You also mentioned that her family have been very interfering as in always on top of us.

I think the main problem you have is her family and the fact they are this way. She might not like to hear this but as an adult after getting engaged she needs to start to cut the apron strings. Her parents/family members are not in charge of her life or for that matter your life and hers if you get married.

At this stage I would say to her that you want a brake as you need time to decide what you want long term. I would also tell her that your going to move out and rent a room. I would not be worried about what her family or your friends are going to say.

It is far better now to take a brake. Let her realise that unless she is willing to stand up to her parents/family that you and her may not get married.
I have seen people getting engaged and braking things off. It takes courage to do this but you better off taking time apart now rather than leaving thing to drift along.

Marriage is hard enough and you don't know what can happen in the future. You don't need her family to be over involved with you both and telling you what to do if you get married.

Idle Passerby

Sorry to hear things have hit a rocky patch. Are your in-laws to be interfering as a result of a announcing your engagement? Moving in together is a big change in dynamics so it's bound to cause some ripples. Moving out seems an extreme way to handle it but who am i to say how you should deal with it. Don't let the potential opinions of others influence what you think is the best course of action for you.

Alittlehelp78

Thanks for the response.. I wrote here about 6 months ago but couldn't find my username so had to setup a new account... her sister is the biggest issue.. they have more of a mother daughter relationship than sister.. they are very close. her sister is very jealous of us didn't even buy us an engagement present..

I have done a lot for her family been there at times of crisis.. I have actually left my own life behind... I lost contact with friends etc.. I just feel I need get my head right now... there are no kids involved..

I just find the last few months very difficult and i suppose rightly or wrongly i thought getting engaged would solve it...... im sitting now in the sitting and the tension is unreal.. i said this morning that I'm going to go away for a few days go home meet friends and all I got was tears..

Ursus Horribilis

This all sounds quite worrying. You said in your original post that you've had a lot of ups and downs. That doesn't sound like a good base for a successful marriage to my mind. What do you think? What's ringing alarm bells too is that you've lost contact with your friends and left your own life behind. It makes me wonder has this relationship consumed you and if you've given up far too much in order to try and make it work? It would be very interesting to know what your own family and friends think about your fiancée. Maybe they're worried about you and can see things that you can't.

Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant or get married before you take things any further. Also, please don't let the fear of what other people will think govern your decisions. Naturally I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but maybe staying together is not a wise course of action. Getting away from her to clear your head sounds like a good plan of action. Maybe it'll clarify things for her too. You might also consider going to a counsellor to talk to him/her. If you get one that's properly qualified and not a 6 month FÁS course sort of person, you could yet be startled by the observations they make. You need an outside perspective I think.

Alittlehelp78

Thanks I have been to a counsellor after xmas.. going again on Wednesday I found a lot of clarity from her.. yes your right I know I have left my life behind and a break is the best thing that can happen.. no we wont be getting married if we ever will.. she wanted to get engaged she had the ring picked way over my budget but she paid the difference.. she wanted all this.. i just need to stand up for myself...

Part of me thinks we are really broken part of me thinks if we went back to when we first met.. there is no fun in this at the moment..

Doddledoo32

Your messages made me feel sad for you and for the lady in your life. I am glad to hear you are going back to counselling , I suppose you have given up a lot for her but some part of you must have wanted that too, hopefully you will get the space you need see why you fell in love with her in the first place and all this will work out....
Just mind yourself and try and protect all hearts that are involved . You can only do the best for yourself , take care x

Ursus Horribilis

Alittlehelp78 wrote: »

Thanks I have been to a counsellor after xmas.. going again on Wednesday I found a lot of clarity from her.. yes your right I know I have left my life behind and a break is the best thing that can happen.. no we wont be getting married if we ever will.. she wanted to get engaged she had the ring picked way over my budget but she paid the difference.. she wanted all this.. i just need to stand up for myself...

Part of me thinks we are really broken part of me thinks if we went back to when we first met.. there is no fun in this at the moment..

Go a few times because it can take a while to properly open up.

It's alarming that you're saying you need to stand up for yourself. That's ringing alarm bells. This is meant to be a partnership, not her calling the shots. Why did you lose contact with your friends? While it's natural that people won't see their friends as often once they form relationships, losing contact with them is another matter entirely. If it's of her doing, then you should be worried. If it was you being so caught up in the relationship, then you can take steps to make sure you never allow that to happen again.

Looking back at how ye were at the start is a dangerous thing to do. I bet in those days you had no problems from her family, you had your own friends and everything was wonderful. It takes a while for things to settle down and for you to find out who your girlfriend really is.

silverharp

very short but the first three years should be the happy time , there shouldnt be lots of ups and downs, it should be ups with a few minor potholes. You only get one life and it looks like you are being locked into a life that isnt yours. If the other person is great but its just the family then you 2 need to move somewhere else for your own sanity. If she wont go with you then she doesnt have your back and she isnt the one for you

Ursus Horribilis

silverharp wrote: »

If the other person is great but it's just the family then you 2 need to move somewhere else for your own sanity. If she won't go with you then she doesn't have your back and she isn't the one for you

If tears are all she has to offer you, then maybe it's time to walk. I've seen enough times, in real life and on boards, how interfering in-laws can cause serious problems. If she is genuine about saving the relationship she should be trying to come up with a plan of action to deal with her family. It doesn't appear to be the case here.

Alittlehelp78

Thanks for all your replies.. I'm not sure what to think.. I'm going to head home for a few days catch up with friends.. I think what's happened since xmas has been the "grain of rice that tipped the scale" moment if that makes sense.. i have embraced my life so much in this relationship and now I realise I was ignoring my own life..

Alittlehelp78

So just to give an update we have broken up.. its her decision I'm not happy about it but such is life..

Keeping myself busy trying not to think about it

Ursus Horribilis

From what you've told us, it's probably for the best that it's over. Lots of ups and downs, an interfering family and getting engaged to try and make things better does not a good marriage make. This relationship shouldn't have led you to start two threads on boards. Nor should it made you need counselling or to want to move out for a while. You were given an insight into what life with your ex would be like and it made you miserable. At least you're able to walk away without costly divorces, property or children involved. Bullet dodged?