How do I bring up what I heard about his past?

LegacyUser

Hi just looking for advice on the following. I've been on 5 dates with a guy and we are getting on really well. I met him on tinder but it turns out that his ex girlfriend is friends with a friend of mine and they travelled together two years ago. I was talking to my friend, let's call her Sarah who would be closer to my other friend who was friends with his ex. Obviously his name was mentioned and through putting two and two together we discovered the connection. Her immediate reaction was to be careful and she had heard that he didn't treat his ex very well. I had this conversation with Sarah after our first date and I thought to myself that he hasn't given me any reason to doubt him so I was going to make up my own mind on things. Because of this, I never asked what exactly happened with his ex as I thought it wouldn't be fair to him and I wanted to make my own mind up. We have such a laugh together and I was really enjoying the dates and felt no need to ask.

Sarah is also friends with another girl who was quite close to his ex aswell and this girl would have met him on a number of occasions. When this girl heard I was seeing him, Sarah said her face just dropped and she asked Sarah if she was going to tell me what happened. Along with this, over the past week or so I have begun to think that there is feelings developing on my part, so I'm not sure if it's down to not wanting to be hurt or that this "bad treatment" of his ex has always been in the back of my head, I felt the need to ask Sarah what happened. Basically, both him and his ex travelled separately but he met for a month. They got back together and he left to come back a few months before her. Sarah's friend said that they were definitely a couple when he left and were in contact every day. His ex had asked him to go to a wedding with her when he came home and he agreed. Then he cancelled on her to go to the wedding at the last minute and his ex found out a while later that he had a girlfriend at the time of cancelling.

To be honest I'm not sure how much of it I believe or how much I want too believe. It has definitely changed how I feel as I've been hurt by guys so much in the past and I guess I am a bit guarded with it all. I feel like if I did continue to see him and he hurt me or messed me around that nobody would have any pity for me and I would get the "I told you so's" from my friend.
I feel like I need to ask him for his version of what happened. He knows there is a connection friends wise as we met originally years ago and we copped the connection then. Can I ask him what happened? How do I bring it up? Am I being stupid even considering giving this a chance?
Can I ever trust him if he gives me a completely different story to what I heard?

woodchuck

OP I would not confront him about this. Consider the original source - of course his ex is going to have bad things to say about him! And you're also getting 3rd hand information here; people love to gossip and embellish stories. If it was something really serious (e.g. physical abuse, criminal behaviour etc) then I'd be very wary, but that's not the case here.

Just focus on your own relationship with him and make up your own mind.

retro:electro

Everyone deserves the chance to enter a fresh relationship anew and not have to explain previous baggage. What you've heard is hearsay, and to an extent, everyone has had bad experiences with ex partners- that's why they are ex's.
I wouldn't bother confronting him about this, all you can judge him on is how is is treating you and that's all that matters right now.

Wheety

I'd go with your original plan and make up your own mind. But don't start the relationship thinking he may cheat on you. If you're going to give him a chance, it should be with a clean slate. If you didn't have a distant connection to his ex, you wouldn't hear anything and would be happy enough seeing where it goes.

MrMojoRising

How do you bring it up?

You'll just have to be straight with him OP.

Tell him your friends friends friend told your friends friend that he's a cheat.

You'll have your answer then

utyh2ikcq9z76b

'Was treated badly' said every ex ever

njs030

What has his past got to do with you op?

Bambi985

notjustsweet wrote: »

What has his past got to do with you op?

Well, everything if it turns out her fella has a penchant for treating girlfriends like poo I'd say.

That said, it sounds quite a bit like sour grapes to me. He said she said kinda rubbish. People will always have opinions and breakups heighten emotions on all sides of the fence, not just for the two parties involved.

Your only responsiblity here is your own happiness, and hearsay isn't worth throwing away the potential of a happy relationship in my view. Don't build your hopes up as it's only been a few dates, it could go any way at this point. But don't walk away until you get a more solid reason than "his ex thinks he's a prick".

njs030

Bambi985 wrote: »

Well, everything if it turns out her fella has a penchant for treating girlfriends like poo I'd say.

That said, it sounds quite a bit like sour grapes to me. He said she said kinda rubbish. People will always have opinions and breakups heighten emotions on all sides of the fence, not just for the two parties involved.

Your only responsiblity here is your own happiness, and hearsay isn't worth throwing away the potential of a happy relationship in my view. Don't build your hopes up as it's only been a few dates, it could go any way at this point. But don't walk away until you get a more solid reason than "his ex thinks he's a prick".

Well no it still doesn't make it her business. The only "past" anyone has a right to know about is one involving children.

Someone you've been on a few dates with demanding to know how you treat your exes because she was gossiping to a friend of a friend?
That will be the last you see of him op.

Edit to add you mention being hurt before and that's why it's bothering you. Your insecurities are yours to work on and not something to carry into new relationships.

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest, Sarah sounds like a bit of a sht stirrer. All your stories seem to be coming through her. And not even directly from the ex but from friends of friends. Who wouldn't really be privy to the real details of the relationship. When a relationship ends often the natural thing to do is to paint yourself in the better light and the other person as the one at most fault.

Any chance Sarah fancies him? Or any chance she doesn't like the idea of you having a bf for any reason? Maybe she's genuinely looking out for you, but your relationship isn't their relationship so if it progresses it will be different to what they had anyway.

Make up your own mind. Don't worry about 3rd hand stories.

tara73

I wouldn't say anything. Where would it lead? it will most likely drive a wedge and mistrust between you, means he doesn't know anymore if you trust him and you doesn't know if you could trust him.
I understand it's a bit of a sh*** situation you are in and you feel the need to clear things, especially because you made bad experiences before. But I would definetely try to ignore them and go back to your way of giving him a neutral chance and just see how he is 'in the now'.

And I would also strongly recommend not to talk or listen to this 'Sarah' anymore, for your own sake.

leggo

I have one ex who says insane stuff about me. Like stuff people would run a mile from. And the mental thing is that I think she actually believes it happened...but it's completely made up in her head. Exes can be weird sometimes.

Too many variables for this to become a thing. For a start, you're getting one person's word secondhand, and her source is a friend of the ex. So you're already two steps removed from a person who is an unreliable source. But even if you got it straight from the ex, it's her word against his that they were still together and he was definitely, 100% going to this wedding. And EVEN if it was somewhat true (which is stretching it, two sides to every story and all and you're getting one hurt, biased side)...what really happened here? Boy and girl went travelling together, boy went home, met somebody else. That happens a lot, it's life. Bit of a **** buzz for the ex who was expecting to come home from her trip to a boyfriend in waiting, but it's not even nearly on the level of 'married years and he had a secret family' or anything like that. It doesn't mean he's going to do it to you.

Never mind the fact that we ALL have a past, in which we've all made mistakes, and we are capable of learning and growing from that.

If you absolutely have to do something with this info, keep it in the back of your mind in future and look for any warning signs. But otherwise just enjoy it for what it is.

If you didn't know a friend who knows his ex, or whatever the connection. You would never have heard about his ' past' .
It maybe true, but you wouldn't know & you would be getting on with things.
I say just forget about it & don't sabotage a relationship that has bare started.
Just act as you would if you didn't know

jca

Don't over think this one, when you have your first row( which won't be long, thanks to Sarah) you can slap it up in his face then.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all the replies. They helped get my head straight as it was really all over the place about this. The last thing I want to happen is if we keep seeing each other and he messes me around and my friend who has this connection to his ex is telling me she told me so. At the same time, I can't ignore the fact that we get on really well, always laughing when we meet and have lots in common. I probably have a tendency to overthink things aswell. I didn't see him last week because of work and may not see him until the end of this week either as he has a trip away but I know I need to try forget the story I heard about him and his ex and judge him from what I think of him and how he treats me.
I guess it's very easy for me to think the worst when I am overthinking especially when I heard all these negative stories and don't feel I can bring them up with him as it's probably not fair. As someone else said we could end soon for many different reasons and nothing may come of the dates so I'l just try forget his past and judge him on the here and now.