Aussie needing some advice.

earthchild8777

Hi all im from perth in aus i met my husband there while he was on a working visa for 2yrs, we were friends for around a year but started dating toward the last 6months of his visa when he decided he was coming home i decided i would give ireland a go as he always said he wanted to go back to aus one day, he even went as far as telling my family that we would aim to be moving back to aus in around 2-3yrs so the move for me was never permanent we got to ireland Dec 2013 and by July 2014 he had proposed and by Oct 2014 we were married.

For the first couple years i was happy here it was all shiny and new and we talked about the process to get his marriage visa for aus all seemed great and was moving along fine.

Fast forward to last year and i had started feeling really home sick and all talk about moving back had stopped i hadn't been home since being here and i was getting more and more depressed and withdrawn. My husband has then told me he never wants to move to aus again this shocked me, I tried to start looking at buying a house here to occupy my mind and try and start getting settled here. we had a little deposit saved but needed a little more for the house i liked but it sold before we could i was crushed so on that note we decided to use the savings to go back to aus for a holiday. We went back for 23days and it was amazing seeing all my family and friends and i can tell you 3 yrs goes quick but also seems like a lifetime when you have teenagers and kids in the family all my nieces and nephews are small adults and the kids have grown so much. (I don't have any of my own) I always said it was my family that i miss but after going back i realised its the lifestyle i miss as well.

Well i spoke to my husband a few months before we left explaining that i wasn't sure i would want to come back after the trip and he took that as i wasn't coming back and he gave me a altermadum i go and don't come back on my own as he wasn't coming if i wasn't coming back but that wasn't what i meant at all, it was just voicing my homesickness again, well i promised that i would be coming back with him and asked him to come with me which he did. (he is a very very bad flyer hence didn't want to fly on his own back which i understand and to be fare the flight was terrible lots of bad turbulence and he was a mess even on xanax)

So it brings me to now, im back in ireland and from the moment i stepped off the plane in dublin all i could think about was going 'home' to aus. One of the other reasons i cant settle here is that when i have kids i would like to be around my family we are all very close and have a big family and i just cant bring myself to move forward thinking i would be stuck in ireland till they were 18yrs. On that note he doesn't really want kids i think part because he would be scared that i would take them away to aus if i ever left him to the point that we haven't been intimate for several months because he doesn't want to risk pregnancy and i cant be on birth control at the moment due to medical reasons.

So the other day he asked what was wrong and i straight up told him i want to go home asap he was pretty upset as am i, i just don't know if im being selfish or not my family said im not as he dangled the going back to aus carrot back when i came here. But i cry and get upset when i think about leaving him as i really do still love him and he hasn't really don't anything wrong (it would be easier if i hated him). But i cant move forward in the relationship staying here and i know full well that in a month the homesickness will come back in full force again and we will be back at square one. Im working and have friends here but its not the same as the family and friends I've had for 15yrs back home.

Just wanting some opinions or if anyone has been in a similar situation as me and what happened. Thanks everyone sorry for the essay i just wanted to give all the details for a honest opinion.

Nichololas

earthchild8777 wrote: »

i just don't know if im being selfish or not

You're really not being selfish, it just is what it is.

I'll be fair and guess that your partner was being honest when he said you'd both be back in Aus in 2-3 years, but underestimated his own homesickness and (like yourself) the emotional jolt of seeing cousins and family growing up. You're both in the same boat.

Absolutely do not add a child to this equation.

Ask yourself if you could live with only seeing your family only once a year on holidays. If not, I think you probably know there's only one outcome to what you've described .. Sorry.

ibarelycare

One of you wants children, the other doesn't. One of you wants to live in Australia and be close to their family, the other wants to remain in Ireland.

Neither of these are things that can really be compromised on I don't think OP. It's a horrible situation to be in and I don't envy you

Ursus Horribilis

This is a horrible dilemma and there is no easy answer to it. I know a couple who ended up divorcing over this very issue. To make matters worse, there were children involved.

It's easy for me to advise from behind a computer keyboard but I think you should cut your losses and go home. Sometimes it can take a while for us to realise how important our family are to us. You probably got caught up in the whirlwind of getting together with your husband, marrying, moving to a new country etc. Now that the dust has settled and you're been told that it's for keeps, it may be clarifying things for you. Living abroad isn't all it's cracked up to be and it doesn't suit everyone.

BetsyEllen

My heart goes out to you as this is a real dilemma and not a situation I would ever want to face.

I've lived in Ireland for over 8 years now and have experienced horrible home sickness at times. And I'm only from England - I can go back for a visit any time I want.

So I can't really imagine what it must be like to be home sick when you're facing 24 hours of travel and a months rent just to be in the same room as your family, before time off work and spending money is taken into account.

As has already been said, there really doesn't seem to be many options for you. You want to go back to Australia, he doesn't...it's quite black and white really.
And as sad as it, I think you should go home.
You haven't stated your age but I get the impression you're still quite young with your whole life ahead of you.
Don't waste it being sad, wishing you were somewhere else.

ManOfMystery

OP, if I'm following your timeline correctly above, you start dating sometime around June/July 2013 and by October 2014 you were back in Ireland and married? 

There's no recommended time frame in which any couple should go from starting to date > boyfriend & girlfriend > engaged > married. However, to do it in under a year and a half is fairly quick compared to the average relationship, and that's not even taking into account the fact that you both moved from Australia to Ireland (back to Ireland in his case) in that time frame also. 

The reason I'm mentioning this is that I feel the fairly quick transition of you both from single people to married for life meant that you never really sat down and properly hammered out a longterm plan like some couples do. Your other half obviously mentioned that going back to Australia was a possibility, but it seems having children down the line wasn't discussed at all. And now you find yourselves in a situation where there are two glaring incompatibilities: where you both want to live, and the issue of having children.

I don't envy either of you as this may not be something you can actually fix unless one person is willing to make some big changes. I also think it was slightly unfair of your boyfriend to tell your family and friends that he'd want to come back to Australia in 2-3yrs, then to do a complete U-turn - but I guess it is what it is, and he has a right to change his mind. However in changing his mind, he also has to accept that that's not what you signed up for and you in turn have a right to reconsider your position on things. 

It's a tough situation. And to be honest, even if you work out the Australia thing and end up back there, will you be happy with a childless marriage? Him not wanting children is not really something you can compromise on. You either want them or you don't, there's no halfway house. I think you need to sit and have a serious chat again and clarify that he is 110% set in his mindset, and it's not a case that he's just not keen on kids right now but open to the idea in future. If the end result is that he definitely doesn't want kids ever and doesn't want to move, you have to think of your own happiness and ask yourself if you can be happy here in Ireland with just your marriage. If not, sorry to be harsh, but the writing may be on the wall.

earthchild8777

I've just turned 30 last month. Just to clarify we were together nearly 18months before we married. I admit we were only together 6months before I decided to come to Ireland but I always thought it's ok it's not forever. Thanks everyone for the replies I think I know what I have to do i just wanted some non bias opinions before I make the heartbreaking decision for both of us.

sunsetter

Hi there,

I am kind of in the same boat, but opposite. Met my gf in Aus and after a few months moved back to Ireland.
3 years later it all came to a head when she said she needed to go home as she was depressed and homesick. I got a visa and followed her 6 months later. Now I've been here over a year and have not settled at all. I want to go home and I am depressed.
I have constant pain in my stomach but can't bring myself to break up with her as I do love her.
I feel stuck in limbo as we are not properly talking about it. Horrible situation but at least you
know seem to have come to a decsion, which is more than I have done.

Good luck

tomwaterford

sunsetter wrote: »

Hi there,

I am kind of in the same boat, but opposite. Met my gf in Aus and after a few months moved back to Ireland.
3 years later it all came to a head when she said she needed to go home as she was depressed and homesick. I got a visa and followed her 6 months later. Now I've been here over a year and have not settled at all. I want to go home and I am depressed.
I have constant pain in my stomach but can't bring myself to break up with her as I do love her.
I feel stuck in limbo as we are not properly talking about it. Horrible situation but at least you
know seem to have come to a decsion, which is more than I have done.

Good luck

What has stopped you from settling??

Is it not likibg the work(will your visa allow you change jobs??)


Or is sonething more personable like missibg family and friends,missing nieces amd nephews growing up??


Ot restlessness of just not enjoying where your at??

Wanderer78

Homesickness is truly an odd thing, it's illogical but very real and difficult to deal with. I don't really have any advice but I guess discuss this with all involved, and don't allow it to fester. Best of luck

Ursus Horribilis

sunsetter wrote: »

Now I've been here over a year and have not settled at all. I want to go home and I am depressed.
I have constant pain in my stomach but can't bring myself to break up with her as I do love her.
I feel stuck in limbo as we are not properly talking about it. Horrible situation but at least you know seem to have come to a decision , which is more than I have done.

Good luck

Maybe you need to write down on a piece of paper the advantages and disadvantages of staying on Ireland versus staying in Australia. No matter which you choose, there's going to be heartbreak. If you decide to stay in Australia with her, you're going to have to buy into the way of life over there and accept that you're going to miss out on close contact with your family and friends. Are you at peace with that?

pilly

I think you need to make a decision rather than let things drag, you're only 30 and can start over again. There are no kids involved. Those are the good points. Bad point is that you do still love him but it's not really enough if you're feeling this unhappy and he's feeling so insecure that he's afraid you're going to get pregnant.

Sad all round OP, I don't envy you.

earthchild8777

Thanks everyone just a update for anyone who is interested, I booked the flight back to aus leaving ireland for good 30th april. It wasn't a easy choice but I think in the long run ill be better having my family and friends close. as for why I didn't settle it is a mixture of missing the aussie lifestyle and my family and friends.

Sunsetter - i totally get exactly how you feel and its not a great feeling once i made the decision and booked the flight it was like a weight lifted, yes im am gonna miss him and ill prob be pretty sad for a while, but i will go on and ill be ok in the long run. Its what is best for me at the moment and your example is exactly why i wouldn't pressure him into going to live in aus, plus he doesn't want to so made the decision easier.

pilly

Best of luck. It will be hard but at least you've made a decision now. These things have a way of working out for the best.

ManOfMystery

Right decision for sure, you have to be happy in yourself - with your career/location/etc - before you can even thinking of being happy in a couple, and it sounded like that was never going to happen here. Onwards and upwards! Good luck

amtc

Best of luck and congratulations on having the courage.

I was only having this conversation with my mother. Her parents emigrated to Perth in 1970 and she stayed here. Now that my nana has dementia she goes over to help with care...3 times last year and going again end April.

Her point was it's very hard to live a life in two countries. She misses the freedom of Perth but misses her Dublin life. My aunt in Australia misses Dublin but she has this romantic idea that we're all out every night as she's only ever been here on holidays.

You've obviously weighed up the pros and cons and it'll be tough. Just remember why you did it. Keep repeating that like a mantra. Write down the reasons and put them up.

Wompa1

Best of luck back home.

I'm in my 6th year in the US. A little more complicated for me now as I don't just have a wife, we have a son too. In a way it may make the decision a bit easier but I'm very worried about how my wife would cope in Ireland.

silverharp

its an issue people should consider, my wife is German but her family are only a 1 hr flight away which we call "the bus".

stop animal cruelty

I think your very brave op, fair play to u. So many others would have stayed just for "safety". I wish u all the best for the future.

Dr Crayfish

Yeah well done. I was only talking to a Maltese woman in Malta the other day, she was home visiting but married an American years ago and is stuck in the arsehole of Georgia somewhere. She has 2 teenage sons now so going back to Malta just isn't an option. She was so happy to be home for a bit and I felt so bad for her that she had to go back.
I was in a situation like yours once and coming back was definitely the right decision. It's amazing how the warmth and fuzziness of honeymoon period love totally blocks out the reality of the ridiculous situation you find yourself in eventually, oceans apart from the people who really matter.