Drunk and cheated

LegacyUser

30 female dating my boyfriend, 29 for about 18 months. Good relationship, not without its rough patches but we love each other and I've never met someone as committed, loyal and caring as my OH.

I was abroad for work last week, met up with a former colleague one evening, got blind drunk and we kissed. All i remember is him telling me how much he always fancied me and then him lobbing the gob. The rest is very patchy. Obviously alcohol is no excuse but in the sober light of day i have no feelings for this fella other than that he's sound and a great laugh and I certainly don't fancy him or think of him romantically at all. The whole thing just makes me cringe, that i kissed him at all when i'm not attracted to him and that i am one of THOSE women that cheats on her boyfriend for no good reason.

In terms of my relationship, my boyfriend is quite insecure and has been expressing that by being a bit overly needy and moody lately. last week especially he was tough to handle, throwing strops at me for not being in touch multiple times a day even though i was on a different continent and up to my gills with work. for my part, i've not been the best girlfriend either (cheating aside), and i can sort of understand his insecurities. i've had some worries about whether or not we're compatible enough because we come from different backgrounds and we've been rowing a bit so it's probably made him even more insecure and unsure of whether or not i was going to walk away. he's also been cheated on a few times in the past and i think that has made him even more insecure about things.

i don't know what i'm looking for here. certainly not reassurance that I'm not a bad person, I know I was weak and selfish and disloyal and all the things i hate in doing this to my boyfriend. i guess i'm moreso worried that if i can be that easily swayed by someone I'M NOT INTO...what does it say for me and my relationship? we are due to move in soon and the last thing i want to do is destroy either of our lives by either moving in when the relationship isn't strong enough or making him even more insecure by my actions.

woodchuck

Sorry OP, but I really think you should reconsider moving in together after everything you've said. You're only going out 18 months and there have been rough patches and red flags from both sides. At best he's needy and insecure, at worst, controlling. You know yourself you shouldn't have cheated, so no point giving you a hard time for that. But you said yourself, it's a bit worrying that you would cheat on him with someone you're not even attracted to.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster Obviously I can't speak for the rest of your relationship, but just going by what you've said here, maybe you should reconsider if this relationship really has long-term potential.

redfox123

Do you think you see your OH as a safe bet? Not judging, just what your post says to me is that you know your OH is all those things that make him a reliable long term partner, which is what you think you should want, but in the back of your mind you're not sure about him in terms of attraction and whether you like him enough to make that serious commitment, which is what moving in together is. Because then it's engagement, marriage etc. Are you a bit bored by him? The getting drunk and kissing someone was a bit of excitement and wondering what you're missing. it doesn't matter whether you were into him or not. Your OH's neediness is a turn off yes, but you don't really want to reassure him either because you're not sure yourself. The kiss in and of itself is meaningless, forget it. It was though, a reaction to feeling a bit trapped and feeling pushed towards a major life commitment (unintentionally) by your OH and the situation as it is. I think you need to hold off on moving in together. Deal with what's going on in your relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

Have to agree with the above. I'm not getting a strong sense from your post that you are actually in love with your bf. I had to go back and double check did you even mention it. You seem unsure at best, and 'meh' at worst. It seems, from your post that you are trying to convince yourself and him that you the right woman for him. That this relationship will be happily ever after and he won't have to be insecure.

I think you don't need to tell him you had a stupid drunken kiss. But I think you do need to think if you're happy to spend forever after with him. Honestly think about that. If you do want to then you accept him, insecurities and all, and you work on making the relationship work. Of you're not convinced, hard as it may be the kindest thing to do is not move in with him.

whiskeyman

2 issues here.
For the cheating bit, it'd forget about it.
It's a once off drunken snog and you've learned you lesson and feel sorry it happened.
It's usually something that makes you really appreciate what you have at home much more, but it's worrying that you don't really seem happy.
Throwing strops for not being in touch is simply not on.
I wouldn't stand for it and I doubt many others would.
I really feel you need to reconsider things. Moving in can really make you see your real sides.
Being unsure of compatibility before you live together doesn't sound good to me

Floppybits

OP, I think you need to ask yourself honestly if his behavior related to his insecurities is making you have second thoughts about the relationship? My usual advice about a drunken snog is to put it behind you and move on and improve your relationship but it this case I do wonder if his insecurities are putting a strain on the relationship.

I was in a relationship with someone with insecurities and had to end it as it was just too much.

0gac3yjefb5sv7

Think what you really want. Everyone on here suggests breaking up, easy when it only it only takes one min of your day to do so.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for the replies. It's been hard keeping this all in my head.

redfox123 wrote: »

Your OH's neediness is a turn off yes, but you don't really want to reassure him either because you're not sure yourself.

This hit me pretty hard.

I love my boyfriend like no man I've ever been with before. He's caring, considerate, funny, affectionate and the most loyal guy I've ever known. And the attraction is definitely there too.

The worries about incompatibilities come into play over our different upbringings. I come from a background where I wanted for nothing due to my parent's approach to planning and finances and he comes from one where he lived in poverty and didn't have financial stability or make plans and i think that has informed both of our world views. i'm a saver, i want all the traditional things whereas my boyfriend just sort of sails along and doesn't think about or plan things in the same way. it's hard to envisage a life with someone like that, it's caused loads of rows and maybe in the back of my mind seemed to always be wondering if there's a better match out there for me.

but then I love him so much that it's hard to contemplate breaking up, we'd both be miserable and i can't imagine life without him.

i think while i was overseas, with him being so needy and blowing up over me not calling when i said i'd call (there was a sizeable time difference), that and the work stress just threw me into this headspace where i didn't care, needed to let loose and of course what happened, happened. i think i might have been flattered into it (that and vodka..) It's nice to feel attractive, especially without that being wrapped up in the stress of a turbulent relationship.

it's scary to me though. i'm not a cheater. well obviously i am, but i didn't think it's something i could be. i've spent so long single - honestly i had the worst luck with meeting any vaguely decent man for so long - my OH is my first relationship and it's been a tough one to navigate, between what I feel and what I think I need in life, especially when i'm 30 and have to think about more than whether or not someone makes me laugh or whether they like the same things that i do.

professore

This relationship is like the dying bird (the bf) the cat (you) catches and keeps playing with it for a while. Why not finish it? It's not up to him - he doesn't realise how you feel.

Seems like he is suspicious of you with good reason. I bet you have been withdrawing from him for a long time already.

The cheating is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

LegacyUser

cheating is part of life for many people.
if it was called something else like "learning" it doesnt seem so bad does it?

unfortunately on the internet boards, there are a lot of bitter people who would love nothing more than to tear you down the second you admit to cheating/learning.

it happened, that's a fact, but it doesnt have to be such a negative thing.
it may make you re-assess your relationship, learn from it, and move forward.

dont mind anyone saying "well, it's not fair that your bf doesnt know, so he can "make his own mind up".... that's b0ll0x.

he isnt controlling either.

basically, what i'm trying to say is - dont buy into any of this modern PC brigade stuff that is designed to make you feel bad. we're all animals, with instincts and we shouldnt be made to feel bad about being animalistic at times.

stick with him if you know you are going to be happy in the long run, and if you know that it wont be happy times, then leave. it's not something that you can change, and it's a learning experience to make you appreciate everything else in you relationship a bit more perhaps.

chin up!

jameorahiely

You are only 18 months together, what should be still the honeymoon period. Yet rows, rough patches and cheating seem to permenate the relationship.


You are deflecting your own responsibilities for your actions every tiime you mention it.
The other lad lobbed the gob
You're boyfriend was insecure (maybe he thought you'd cheat)
It was the vodka
You are not a cheater (em.. )


You seem fixated on both your parents finacial situtations. I'm guessing you are both over 18 so I'm not sure what bearing this has on your relationship, although it seems to me that you see yourself in a different class as you boyfriend.

Dial Hard

whydididothat wrote:

i've spent so long single - honestly i had the worst luck with meeting any vaguely decent man for so long - my OH is my first relationship

I think this is clouding your judgement hugely, tbh.

In my experience, people who come to relationships for the first time later in life tend to overlook huge incompatibilities and red flags out of pure thankfulness at being in a relationship at all.

I think you already know how you feel, OP.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, do you really love your boyfriend? And want to spend the next 40 or 50 years with just him? The more you post the less convinced I am. It sounds like you're really trying to convince yourself. It seems like you're settling. You're age is against you. You've had a string of terrible relationships. You were single for ages. This is the first 'good' relationship you've had. Etc etc etc.

Maybe its just coming across bad in your posts. No relationship is perfect. None. Every individual person will have their own faults or failings that they will bring to a relationship. Some people can't live with our failings, and those relationships won't last. Then someday we'll meet someone who can. That's what makes a couple. It's not being perfect. It's accepting each other.

You seem confused as to whether or not you can accept your partner's differences, and different outlooks. That's something you need to think about. Soon.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, do you really love your boyfriend? And want to spend the next 40 or 50 years with just him? The more you post the less convinced I am. It sounds like you're really trying to convince yourself. It seems like you're settling. You're age is against you. You've had a string of terrible relationships. You were single for ages. This is the first 'good' relationship you've had. Etc etc etc.

I do love him. And you're right, i am struggling for all of those reasons. I love him but im worried that love isn't enough. I'm worried that i won't have the kind of life i had hoped for - in terms of financial stability and being with a man who has the same outlook as me.

And maybe I am settling for all of the reasons you outlined. I think being completely new to relationships at an older age than most of everyone else means i missed out on learning how to navigate them, learning warning signs or knowing when something was going to be a major red flag versus something we could work through. i'm still very much learning. i've never been short of male attention but for whatever reason nothing ever amounted to anything beyond a fling or a fbb or a holiday romance to the point where i met my boyfriend. Meeting someone who wanted me for me and not for just the opportunity to get laid was honestly a bloody revelation.

I don't know where that leaves me or us. He came over last night, we had a major row about my trip away and how he thought I was treating him as an afterthought, he told me he had felt like that for a while since i started in my most recent job, like i had no time for him, we talked through and ended up having a lovely night together. when i'm not stressing about our future we get on like a house on fire, i just wish i could get my head straight on everything.

LegacyUser

hi OP,

you said yourself - that when you are not worrying about your future that you are both happy.

if this is the case, you have just given yourself the most appropriate piece of advise to your situation: Stop worrying about the future. you can not control that.

just try and relax and enjoy your time together and stop thinking of the future in a negative way. don't question every little thing and try to just "go with the flow".

if it's your own worries about the future that's causing you to feel this way, then just try to forget about it.

you may be of a certain age, ie: a bit older, and might be thinking "oh i should really be nailing this one down now at my age" but that's all b0ll0x too... just relax and let whatever be, be.

hopefully by not focussing on what you EXPECT from him, try and focus on how much you are already getting.

by focussing on negatives and worrying about the stuff that might not happen in the future, then you are already missing out on what you should be enjoying, in the NOW.

Persiancowboy

You should stop beating yourself up abouit a drunken snog.....if that was all you had to worry about life would be grand...

A bigger issue is your ambiguous view of your relationship.

For me, needy people are an enormous turn-off and your guy sounds like he's major league needy....this will never go away and if he's going to regularly throw infantile strops like he has over your recent trip abroad then you're in for a pretty miserable future with him.

He also sounds jealous of your career...again for me this is a warning sign of someone with low self-esteem whop wants to bring everyone down to their level.

Not being glib but if i was you i'd walk away.....

SGSM

Very odd that so many posters couldn't care less about an involved person kissing someone else. Since when has this become acceptable in a relationship? I'm sure a lot here wouldn't be of the same opinion if it was their other half doing the cheating.

OP, you know you shouldn't have done it which is good but what happens if your OH finds out on his own?

skankkuvhima

Persiancowboy wrote: »

You should stop beating yourself up abouit a drunken snog.....if that was all you had to worry about life would be grand...

A bigger issue is your ambiguous view of your relationship.

For me, needy people are an enormous turn-off and your guy sounds like he's major league needy....this will never go away and if he's going to regularly throw infantile strops like he has over your recent trip abroad then you're in for a pretty miserable future with him.

He also sounds jealous of your career...again for me this is a warning sign of someone with low self-esteem whop wants to bring everyone down to their level.

Not being glib but if i was you i'd walk away.....

What? She cheats and it's his fault?

"stop beating yourself up abouit a drunken snog" - Are you for real?

Bambi985

yeah i think there'd be a very different reaction to the cheating if the OP was male tbh.

OP you kissed someone else and it's not ok, alcohol or no alcohol. What's even worse is that you didn't even fancy the fella so it wasn't lust that made you do it, it was something else. Probably your ego combined with boredom in your current relationship and a sort of two fingers "I'll do what I want".

i think deep down you know the reasons and it's up to you now to take responsibility and move in the right direction for the both of you, whether that's breaking up with a man you can't seem to stay faithful to or doing what it takes to commit to him 100%, including no more drunken nights out with former male colleagues and no more considering other men as an option. you're either with him or you're not

Reesy

do not worry so much wrote: »

cheating is part of life for many people.
if it was called something else like "learning" it doesnt seem so bad does it?

unfortunately on the internet boards, there are a lot of bitter people who would love nothing more than to tear you down the second you admit to cheating/learning.
.../...
chin up!

Really? Cheating is just learning? No, no, and no again, cheating is called cheating because it's a BAD THING.

professore

There's another thread here about a guy paying for a lap dance on a stag and the advice is mainly "divorce him". I'd regard snogging someone far worse than paying for a stupid lap dance. Much rather my wife paid for a lap dance than snogged someone. That's full on cheating.

Witchie

Hi OP, while I think it is wrong that you cheated by kissing someone I do also agree with others that it is probably a symptom of the bigger problems.

I think that you need to say to your boyfriend that you are not just ready to move in together yet and that you still want to develop your relationship to that point, but just not yet. Then take time to see if you can work on the issues that you have. Talk to him about your worries for the future and try to work through them.

If that is working then you have no choice but to walk away.

Best of luck. x

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

I think this is clouding your judgement hugely, tbh.

In my experience, people who come to relationships for the first time later in life tend to overlook huge incompatibilities and red flags out of pure thankfulness at being in a relationship at all.

Thanks to everyone who has chipped in with insight and advice.

i've been thinking about this a lot. It might be true. I've never been to the point of envisaging a future with someone before my OH so things like finances, different outlooks and backgrounds etc have never been things I've had to navigate. like literally with my previous romances it never got passed the "so I wonder if he will be texting me again" point and that played into my self-esteem i think too. very poor opinion of myself and had sort of stopped believing I could ever meet someone and have a partnership in them.

i handed in my notice last week so will be moving in with my boyfriend in 3 weeks. i know given the advice i've had here that people will think i'm wrong and making a mistake. but it feels right and it feels like it's time. it may all blow up in my face and i'll end up heartbroken and having to start again or we might grow as a couple, who knows. all i know is i love him and i want to see if we can make a life together.

i haven't thought about the cheating since it happened now, i've deleted the other guy off social media and i think it's just going to be something i bury and don't think about ever again. it was selfish and wrong and shouldn't have happened and i'm going to make sure it doesn't ever again as i refuse to be that kind of person.