So anxious about everything- afraid I'll ruin things

LegacyUser

So I'm a girl of 27 and things in my life haven't always been straightforward or easy. My relationship with my Mam has always been a problem. Long story short she suffers from some kind of mental health problem and takes her anger, frustrations and her paranoia out on everyone.I never really felt loved as a child and had zero confidence as was constantly put down, told others were better than me etc. I was also sexually abused by a neighbour when I was 9 or 10 and while I'm not sure it really affects me anymore as such, I feel its worth mentioning.
Since January I admit I have been feeling pretty lonely. All of my friends are settled and I was the only one single. I decided I needed to look into counselling as I feel like I keep so much in. If you asked my friends to describe me I'm pretty sure they would use words like: fun, confident, chatty, friendly which are true to an extent but inside sometimes I feel like I've so many things going on I wouldn't tell anyone. I have been to the counsellor twice so far and both times I went I was having a good week so I don't know if I explained all my issues correctly.

The timing probably couldn't have been worse but I went on tinder again one night and matched with a guy. We got talking and for the first time in over 18 months I was actually interested in meeting up with him and seeing how we got on. There had been some guys interested in meeting up or texting me over the last 18 months but I just had no interest until now. We have gone on five dates and things seem to be going well. It's just I am beginning to analyse every single thing going on. I feel like I am putting on a mask when I'm with him as when I'm not I worry if he hasn't texted back for a while or worry if he has gone off me. I told him I liked him the other night as feelings had never been discussed and I wanted to get some idea of where things were going. He sort of ignored me when I said it and I kind of joked around it, and then he said well obviously I like you I wouldn't be here if I didn't.
I hadn't heard from him in two days since the date so I decided to text him last night. Being honest he has done most of the contacting up until now so I didn't feel I was being pushy by making an effort to text him. Then last night I was analysing the way he was talking to me and wondering if he was putting me down in some way. I was joking about something I wear and he just wrote back it wasn't his cup of tea. Then a few messages later he said he thinks he'll have to give me a definition of sexy as what I was joking about wearing wouldn't be the most attractive thing.
I feel jaded by it all. There is a definite spark, chemistry between us. We laugh a lot and have great conversations and I really enjoy meeting up with him. I am/was also looking forward to having sex as I do fancy him in that way aswell. Being honest I feel like my anxiety is taking all the joy from what should be quite relaxed and fun. When we meet up I come across like that to him as he told me on our 3rd date that I was funny, outgoing and charismatic. I am worried that I am going to become all needy hoping he will be all affectionate and say he likes me as I feel I need that in a relationship if we do go there.

I'm just looking for advice on how I can just try to relax and not be so anxious about the whole thing. I had been single for up to 2 years before this and it was so much easier in many ways. I will be bringing this up with the counsellor next week but I honestly feel like I don't know whats going on in my head about it all.

Tramore Tilly

Is he a nice guy? Do you like him? Sometimes if you start second guessing someone it can actually be a vibe that you get from them that you don't even realise. Are you like this wI think other people in your life or just him?

LegacyUser

Hi he seems like a nice guy, close to his family and good to them. He is very confident and always laughing and joking. We haven't discussed what we are looking for out of this and he seems to be quite guarded about stuff. We get on very well when together. I just feel since we met up midweek something has changed and I'm not sure what. I was with a friend last night and was telling her and she said just text him, there's been five dates it obviously doesn't matter who texts who now. So I did and there was no real conversation just messing over and back about something we had been talking about Friday night. I joked with him over something and he just replied "not happy, just tired". So I said right I'll let you off to sleep so, night night.

I feel I would like to get to know him but so I just can't relax about it all. For the first three dates everything was going great and I wasn't questioning it. After the last two I have literally been reading into every little thing. I feel like he is gone off me. I'm not enjoying this whole, texting/waiting for a text scenario. This is probably due to the fact that I feel my life is so all over the place now I'm not really sure about anything. I'm second guessing myself, going from wanting to send him a text ending it but I'm holding back because he is working this weekend and maybe he will text as normal next week when things die down for him.

daisybelle2008

No wonder you are jaded, all your focus is on how he feels. Wrong person or wrong timing, either way I think you might find a great sense of relief in dropping the dating until you are feeling better about yourself and just work on doing that. You said yourself your timing wasn't good for this.

trixychic

First of all I want to say well done on getting yourself to counselling. I could be your twin with your history. Seriously!!! And taking that first step to getting help is a very brave and difficult thing to do. So well done.

On that note let the counsellor know about how you feel with those 2 good wks. Say to him/her your afraid they might not see things for how they are. And believe me... they see alot more than you think. So stay calm and keep going. Your doing great.

As for this guy, he doesn't sound like he's right for you. It's not your stress and anxiety that is "ruining things" but more sounds like he's not on the same page as you... which is ok for now.

To be honest you have alot of work to do on yourself and while it will be hard and having someone there to support you would be nice, it's not necessary. Maybe a full relationship right now isn't what you need yet... or maybe Mr. Right will walk in your door tomorrow. But don't put so much pressure on yourself!!! If things don't work out then that's ok. You won't have ruined it, it just wasn't the right fit at the time.

I hope this has helped. I like to believe "What's meant for you, won't pass you by". Well done again on taking that first step to helping yourself.

Needhelp87

HI therr.. I read this post last night and felt I should reply and tell you my experience.

I am currently going through this exact thing.. I know my insecurity comes from a previous relationship where my ex cheated and treated me very badly. I have been single for five years, I dated on and off but couldn't let anyone close to me. I always ran a mile when I felt things were moving on between us. I went to counselling also and talked through a lot of what I was feeling etc..

I'm seeing a guy now for a couple of months. A really nice guy who has also been hurt by an ex. We are taking things very slow.. And the feeling you're describing I can relate to. Worrying if things go wrong, is he interested, analysing everything he says and does. This is not healthy so I have been doing things to help..

Firstly I have had to realise men think differently to women... I have read many articles explaining this and it has helped so much. Worth doing

Next I have stopped analysing his every word.. They don't think nor express themselves the same we do.. from my research and reading articles men say what they mean, theres no hidden meaning behind what they say.. Correct me if I'm wrong guys!

The next thing is I have thought, I have gotten through worse than this, if we break up then we break up, I'll get over it eventually... I'm not in love with this guy, I can see myself in the future having these feelings but right now I'm not. Relationships always carry a risk, you can not know if they will work out with out trying. And by all accounts when they work it's totally worth the risk...

I have met a guy who I like enough not to run and I have decided to sit with this feeling and over come it!! Running away from it won't fix it. it will happen time and time again...

Understanding how a man thinks is a major help.. He could be blissfully happy thinking everything is fine and here yoy are a nervous wreck worrying...

Running away isn't always the answer. Stay, and work through this feeling if you think it is worth it.

Hope this has helped.

listermint

Pretty spot on above.

njs030

Needhelp87 wrote: »

Firstly I have had to realise men think differently to women... I have read many articles explaining this and it has helped so much. Worth doing

Next I have stopped analysing his every word.. They don't think nor express themselves the same we do.. from my research and reading articles men say what they mean, theres no hidden meaning behind what they say.. Correct me if I'm wrong guys!

They aren't a different species and have insecurities, over think and worry the same as women do.
I think a lot of men find it harder to say what their issues are because they don't talk things through quite as much as women do!

But neither sex are a hive mind and no I don't agree all men say exactly what they mean at all, not that they use hidden meanings but more that a lot isn't said.


The rest of your post was very good though, op needs to relax and stop analyzing a very short few dates that could well be going nowhere.

Needhelp87

I know men have insecurities, they wouldn't be human either. But women, well I do.. Over analysis everything. One thing is if I replied to a message from him and he saw the message but didn't reply for a few hours.. Those few hours used be an anxious fest.... Why hasn't he replied, he's not interested, he doesn't like me bla.bla...

It's a fact women are a way better at multitasking than men... It's science.. Men can only focus on one task, and they are goal orientated, they have a job to do and they do it... Might glance at the phone and read the message but replying is put off until they finish what they are doing. And 9 out of 10 times they reply not knowing the girl has been freaking out... They reply satisfied they did their task, what ever it may be, working in a car, going to the gym, being at work.. So on.. This fact alone has made me relax 90 percent!!!

The guy I'm seeing messages every day, always asks how I am, how my day is and so on. He has an interest and it shows even with the odd delay in replying...

An anxious mind is a horrible thing... Makes up scenarios that aren't true but it will convince you it is.... It's good to sit with it, and work on it, don't run

njs030

Needhelp87 wrote: »

I know men have insecurities, they wouldn't be human either. But women, well I do.. Over analysis everything. One thing is if I replied to a message from him and he saw the message but didn't reply for a few hours.. Those few hours used be an anxious fest.... Why hasn't he replied, he's not interested, he doesn't like me bla.bla...

It's a fact women are a way better at multitasking than men... It's science.. Men can only focus on one task, and they are goal orientated, they have a job to do and they do it... Might glance at the phone and read the message but replying is put off until they finish what they are doing. And 9 out of 10 times they reply not knowing the girl has been freaking out... They reply satisfied they did their task, what ever it may be, working in a car, going to the gym, being at work.. So on.. This fact alone has made me relax 90 percent!!!

The guy I'm seeing messages every day, always asks how I am, how my day is and so on. He has an interest and it shows even with the odd delay in replying...

An anxious mind is a horrible thing... Makes up scenarios that aren't true but it will convince you it is.... It's good to sit with it, and work on it, don't run

You really should stop making sweeping generalisations. It's very wrong and very unfair to everyone.

Edit-youre still over analyzing just in a different way to the op. If someone doesn't reply it's because they are busy. You shouldn't need to be justifying it to yourself and reading articles, talking yourself down etc.
It's not nice to be anxious but finding ways to deal with it and direct it in a different direction would be better for both you and the op.

Needhelp87

That's not a sweeping generalisation it's actually been proven.... Women are better at multitasking than men.. Obviously, it's not 100 percent but it's been proven... Studies etc!'''

Needhelp87

It's not over analysing it at all.. It's actually understanding why... It's cut the anxiety out by a huge amount just understanding he's busy... The thing is, if I get a message I will stop what I'm doing to reply, if I'm driving I pull over. I never leave a few hours between my replies.. I had to understand that not everyone is the same.... Not everyone drops what they are doing to reply.... I do most of the time... So no you're wrong, it's not over analysing it differently. It's understanding that not everyone thinks like me..

njs030

Anyway op, you've only been on 5 dates with this man you don't know him and he doesn't know you. It's really easy in the early days to feel a little out of your depth but try to remember this isn't even a relationship yet.
Maybe when you feel the anxiety and analyzing take over put your phone down and go for a walk?

In between counselling sessions you might find it helpful to write notes of things you'd like to discuss so they don't get forgotten.

Augme

honestly OP, from how you describe him, he sounds like a massive tosser.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

honestly OP, from how you describe him, he sounds like a massive tosser.

Oh God, I wasn't expecting to hear that. Is it that he seems to be talking down to me from what I've typed?! With everything that's going on I feel I don't know my own mind anymore so I am just overthinking everything. I have an injury at the moment which means I am out of action exercise wise which isn't helping as I've so much time to overthink things.