Addicted to cheating

LegacyUser

I've been sleeping with a guy for 3 years and for the majority of that time, he has had a girlfriend. I know what we're doing is really wrong but I can't/don't want to stop. The best way I can describe it is it's like a drug. I know I shouldn't be doing it but I get such kicks off it when it happens, then for awhile after I feel terrible and sick with anxiety, swear blind I'll never do it again but once I realise we've gotten away with it and had a little break from him, I feel the urge build right back up. I'm pretty sure he feels the same.

It seems like we've gotten to the stage where we're not going to stop until we are caught, though this will have really bad consequences for the both of us. It's not a frequent occurrence but neither of us make much effort to hide it anymore when it does happen. At this stage, it seems the only people who don't know are some of his family, and of course, his girlfriend.

We've both tried cutting each other out of our lives as much as we can, stopped talking, all that, I've even gone to counselling but nothing works, longterm. One of us finishes it and the other eventually drags them back into it. It's like some twisted game we have going.
I guess I'm just wondering does anyone know how I get myself out of this frame of mind, this being addicted to a person/situation, before we ruin everything, or are we doomed to continue on as is and face the consequences of our actions.

Mod:

Reminder to all for civil, helpful and constructive posts please.

Big Bag of Chips

Would he not just finish with his gf? Surely if you two really can't stay away from each other, that's the ideal solution.

Edit: the day will come when this ends, messily, and then you'll find you can in fact stay away from each other. So why not try control that before it all goes wrong

silverharp

you paint yourself like you are a passive traveller in your own life. Its not a drug, you are choosing this because you want to plain and simple. The downside for yourself apart from any direct blow back you might get is that any chance of yourself having a proper relationship is on hold. If you were to "meet the man of your dreams" tomorrow your head wouldnt be in the right place or you'd mess it up possibly by cheating with this guy again. Take a bit of ownership for your life , its clearly not a relationship you will be able to look back on with pride and this guy is making a fool of 2 women as best as I can see.

Loveinapril

Go back to counselling. The fact that you keep returning to a man who is emotionally unavailable for you and describe your relationship as an addiction is something to be explored. He is making a fool of his girlfriend and the fact that loads of people know makes me feel so sad for her. Your reputation cannot be that good either. As another poster says, if you are that connected, then he would leave his girlfriend for you. You are his cake! If you honestly wanted the relationship to end you would do something to end it- even if that means outing yourselves.

njs030

Op reading your post you seem to think this man cares about you and can't keep away from you. The thing is if he genuinely cared about you he would want to share his life with you and have everyone know about the two of you.
He's not doing that, he tells someone else about his day, takes her to events, holidays, friends birthdays etc.

Do you think if you get caught he will want to be with you? It's very unlikely I'm afraid. He will walk away and never speak to you again and do his very best to save his relationship- because that's who he wants to be with.

Please have some self respect and stop letting him use you because that's all it is. Next time he tries to get you into bed remind yourself of the woman he chooses to spend all his life with rather than just the tiny bit he gives you.

Noddyholder

notjustsweet wrote: »

Op reading your post you seem to think this man cares about you and can't keep away from you. The thing is if he genuinely cared about you he would want to share his life with you and have everyone know about the two of you.
He's not doing that, he tells someone else about his day, takes her to events, holidays, friends birthdays etc.

Do you think if you get caught he will want to be with you? It's very unlikely I'm afraid. He will walk away and never speak to you again and do his very best to save his relationship- because that's who he wants to be with.

Please have some self respect and stop letting him use you because that's all it is. Next time he tries to get you into bed remind yourself of the woman he chooses to spend all his life with rather than just the tiny bit he gives you.

I must be reading a different post, Your saying the man is using her ?

As far as I got from the OP both of them know what there doing is wrong & both of them know there be consequences for there actions, both of them also have broke up & gone to get help but both of them have ended back up together.

Op why cant you move into gether what's keeping you apart from having a normal relationship with him ? or is the thrill of having an affair to great, is there any love there between you ?

njs030

Noddyholder wrote: »

Op why cant you move into gether what's keeping you apart from having a normal relationship with him ?

His girlfriend I presume.

Sound Bite

So much delusion in one little post!

People leave their partners all the time to be with others......he isn't doing that and is making an absolute fool out of both you and his girlfriend and with your permission in your case.

Wake up....he sees you as good for the ride and **** all else. You don't seem to think much more than that of yourself either or you would stop this. You should try counselling again as no self respecting person would put themselves in this situation.

dellas1979

Well, its been scientifically proven that love/excitement feeling stimulates the same part of your brain as drugs like cocaine.

So, it is a withdrawal. But you definitely can come off it. Like anything addictive, you have to want to come off it, and work to stay off it. And have plans in place to support that decision.

I suppose OP, what is the pay off to you? Do you want better for yourself?

This feeds into your own emotional well being i.e., your self confidence, your esteem, your belief in yourself, your pride and your dignity.

I truely believe if you started looking at these (in your councelling sessions) you'd figure out how to come off this "drug". Which is in fact doing you more damage than you may realise.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I've been there. I had a long standing affair. It started in a friendship and ultimately worked it's way back into friendship.

I felt awful about it but like the OP I found it hard to quit, it was for all intents and purposes an addiction. When I wasn't with her I was thinking about her. Genuinely she rarely left my mind and despite all the promises I just couldn't cut contact. As pointed out, there is a narcotic effect to love. I certainly wasn't "using" her, nor she me.

So, the obvious question, why didn't I leave my partner? Well, I love my partner. She is a wonderful person who I work hard to make happy. I know most people will see a contradiction between my actions and that statement, but nevertheless it's true. The affair occupied a different aspect of my life. I find people from continental Europe understand this concept more than Irish people. The affair exists beside the main relationship, not as a replacement for it.

How did I quit? Well, she found someone she was serious about and who wanted to marry her and I didn't feel I had the right to derail someone-else's marriage so I cut contact. The thought of undermining her happiness in this new relationship was enough for me to go cold turkey, because after all, I did love her (too) and I wanted her to be happy. She actually invited me to the wedding though I didn't think it was appropriate to go. Of course, we could have continued the affair after her marriage but I just felt that now she is ready for a family it was time for us to end things.

We are in intermittent contact now (after about 3 years of no contact) and I still have a huge amount of time for her but ultimately, i don't want to be the reason for her to be unhappy. If a happy life means not being with me, I'm fine with that.

Like many addicts, you need to find that point where you care about something more than your addiction. It will be an internal thing for you and only you will know it when you find it. For me it was two things, the love I have for my wife and my real desire for my "mistress" to be happy. By focusing on those two things I was able to end it. OP, you have to ask yourself, what are the things you care about more than this affair?

Also, you will get a lot of judgement but ultimately, we are not evolved to be monogamous. Most of the primates have limited promiscuity (i.e., a few separate partners). I've talked about this with professionals and with close friends and only a tiny percentage have admitted to not finding other people attractive. We have an imaginary moral code (partly invented by the lunatics who ran the hideous mother and child homes in Ireland and who covered up child sex abuse) that pretends the world is black and white. It isn't. I'd be much happier if we could have honest conversations in this country about what it is to be human and what normal human desires are.

I also know people will post slating me for not being honest with my partner about the affair, so I feel it's only fair to say I did come clean and we worked through it. My wife knows I'm not perfect, but she also knows how hard I work to make her happy, and she works hard on our relationship too. In some ways, it was a wake up call for us to realise what was important to us. We had started to drift into indifference, the dull place where so many marriages die.

leggo

There's no addiction here. This is coming from a place where, say, you fancy this guy but he's not as into you and will take any attention you can get from him. Or you're bored in life and have a need to add some drama for excitement. Or you have some self-worth issues and secretly enjoy sneaking around on his girlfriend because it makes you somehow feel better than her or other girls. Or you've a negative view of relationships in general and are looking to 'prove' whatever theory is in your head through this.

Don't frame it positively in your head because it's not positive in any way. You're knowingly doing something that will seriously hurt another person, a person that could easily be you. It's not dramatic or a unique experience or anything like that either, it's messed up. And you need counselling to get to the bottom of why you're seeking this kind of relationship instead of a normal, functioning one. You've taken the first step here in acknowledging that publicly, though, so fair play for that.

lunalex

All of thee above i agree with...If you ever escape the crazy situation you love to hate and find yourself in a 3year relationship down the line will you trust that guy?? This has a whole load of problems not just now but for your future so don't mess it up GET OUT!!!!!!!!

Put yourself in her shoes

LegacyUser

OP here! Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond to me. I know what I'm doing is really stupid, if one of my friends was doing what I was doing I would think they were a complete idiot. I just cannot seem to talk any sense into myself. I in no way excuse my behaviour or think I'm passive in this. It's like I'm addicted to the drama and game playing, that I don't even want out.

Just to say to those who say I'm being used or are waiting around for him to leave his girlfriend, I don't think thats true anymore, but probably at the start. I did ask him after the second or third time it happened to leave his girlfriend, and he gave me the usual ****e talk that cheaters do. I cut him out for 6 months after this but I eventually let him back in, as he is unfortunately involved in my life in other ways, and have now accepted it for what it is. To be honest after interacting with him over 3 years, I'm not sure I even like him that much, if he left his girlfriend for me we'd probably last all of a week. I could have his girlfriend informed if I did really want it to end.With regards to his girlfriend, my ability to compartmentalise seems to be strong, because in my mind she's just a silly girl who has no idea what her boyfriend is really capable of. I know this is awful!

Our whole situation has never stopped me dating other men either. I've dated plenty and fallen for a few people but I always come back to this. The only thing that seems to affect me is the thought of what it would do to his sister, who I am close to, if she found out. I guess I should go back to the counsellor, I'm just embarrassed that I slipped up again after managing to withhold for 4 months and swearing blind I'd never do it again.

pokerbunnybear

It's women like you who make people like me insecure. You must have no heart if you have no guilt and don't care at all for his lovely girlfriend who did nothing to deserve this. I think you should tell the girlfriend so she's not living a lie and can make up her own mind. She deserves to know the truth

leggo

To be fair on the OP, it should be guys that make you insecure (well nobody SHOULD make you insecure but you know what I mean), not the girls who owe you nothing. Whether women are complicit or not, it's still all on the person in the relationship to remain loyal, as if you want to cheat you can always find someone to do so with. It doesn't make everyone a cheater though.

bee06

Addictedto wrote: »

To be honest after interacting with him over 3 years, I'm not sure I even like him that much, if he left his girlfriend for me we'd probably last all of a week. I could have his girlfriend informed if I did really want it to end.With regards to his girlfriend, my ability to compartmentalise seems to be strong, because in my mind she's just a silly girl who has no idea what her boyfriend is really capable of. I know this is awful!

Our whole situation has never stopped me dating other men either. I've dated plenty and fallen for a few people but I always come back to this. The only thing that seems to affect me is the thought of what it would do to his sister, who I am close to, if she found out. I guess I should go back to the counsellor, I'm just embarrassed that I slipped up again after managing to withhold for 4 months and swearing blind I'd never do it again.

Really this is all about the thrill of doing something illicit for you if you don't even particularly like him. He could be any guy as long as you were getting the excitement of cheating from it. I think going back to the counsellor and working to understand why you feel you need this thrill would be a good start.

Tramore Tilly

OP everyone has something in their life they know they shouldn't be indulging in. You're no different. I don't care about the moralities of it all. You've got yourself in a situation you feel you shouldn't be in and you feel you can't get out of it. It's immaterial how he views it and whether he's using you because the fact is how you feel about it. And it is already effecting your head and makes you feel awful, so that's reason enough to be looking to get out.

Most of us have had that person that we need to cut off (and it's not always a sexual partner) but for some reason, you can't explain you can't.

The thing is, you don't really like the guy and he is in a relationship so there's no future. So it's now down to finding that switch that finally set it in your head that you can take no more of it. If you don't like the guy, there's your Base. Imagine if he was the one who realised it should end and he cut you. In my mind that would be an absolute killer, not only are you in a situation you don't want to be in, with a guy you don't want to be in it with, but then he gets the moral high ground by ending it first!

With technology these days it's easy to keep in touch with someone. But it really is just as easy to cut contact. You just need that mental switch to finally flick and believe me when it does, breaking contact will feel like the most natural step in the world. You will be free of all the mental stress and all the baggage that goes along with it. Surely it's worth doing that now?

Big Bag of Chips

So what are you asking, OP? You seem to be asking how do you stop, but are giving a long list of reasons to why you can't, or simply don't want to stop. If you want to stop (do you want to stop?) then you stop. You say 'No'. You block his number. You have excuses about why you need to be in contact with him because of something else. Trust me, if/when this all blows up you will find you don't actually have to really be in contact with him at all and you will be ashamed of yourself and avoiding him like the plague.

Just cop onto yourself. You don't even like him. You're friends with his sister. That's a friendship that will definitely end if this all comes out. You say you're not even that discreet about it anymore. Cop on to yourself. He's a dickhead, and you'll (rightly) be put into the same category by almost everyone you know when this comes up. Just cop on to yourself.

If you don't, or if you don't want to then stop with the faux attacks of conscience and trying to convince strangers that you want to stop. If you want to stop.... Say no. There's no magic solution that posters here can reveal to you.

Edit: if, when this comes out, you try to use the justifications that you have in your above post, people are just going to think you're an idiot. Imagine trying to explain all that to his sister? She's not really a good friend, because she doesn't know the type of person you are. You are not allowing her the opportunity to decide whether or not she wants to be your friend. I'd guess given the facts, and the option she'd tell you where to go. People like you continue doing things for as long as they can get away with them, and give all the excuses that people like you give. It's funny how quickly all those excuses evaporate when it all comes to a sorry end.

lunalex

I have read your last two posts and it just makes me feel sad for you as obviously you have not had a meaningful relationship in the last 3 years as another poster already said if you met someone and feel in over with them this situation would not happen currently you are leading a shallow life with shallow meaningless relationships....

How long do you think these can last before you become shallow and meaningless???

I don't mean to be mean but i think perhaps you are kidding yourself to who you are in this... You pass comment to the guys partner as being silly but reading this i find that a case of pot calling kettle black.

You say that everybody knows about it which again raises the question of how people view you.... How do people view you???
As a woman who messing around with other peoples partners?

To me it just looks like you are sabotaging your chances of a meaningful relationship...

December2012

Reading between the lines, do you work together?

You say you must interact with him so I reckon it's either that or family. If it's family it will blow up catastrophically.

If it's work, can you change jobs?

njs030

Oh op you don't even like him? So why are you doing it?

The fact you put up this thread and you're bothered about your friend finding out shows you aren't a nasty person yet your actions and the way you've managed to twist his girlfriend into a "silly girl" in your mind doesn't make you look good.
She isn't silly and she certainly doesn't deserve this. In fact it could very easily be you or someone you care about being duped by a man you or they love and another woman calling them a silly girl.

I think you do want to get out and you do want to do the right thing but perhaps there's some kind of self destruct thing going on with you?
Don't force her to be the person to end it - I noticed your reference to having her told - that's cowardly and she doesn't deserve that. Walk away yourself first.

If you then decide with a clear head you think she should know that's a different scenario but I think using her pain to force a break up is below you.

B.A._Baracus

Op,
while you say how awful what you are doing is, think about the fact you regarded his girlfriend as silly and the only one who you stated to care about finding out is his sister... which you are close too. So the only thing you care about is the truth coming out in regards to her aka your relationship with her, right?


If I was wearing your shoes, wouldn't you call me extremely selfish?

Big Bag of Chips

Selfish people tend not to recognise themselves as selfish. They're quick to call it in others though. Selfish people tend to only care about their own interests and are very quick to paint themselves as a victim when things go pear shaped.

Lux23

I think you have to work out how to get this guy out of your life. In the first instance, how hard have you tried to stay out of his bed? Have you blocked his number? Told him not to contact you? Why is he a part of your life otherwise? Is that something you can change?

lilsparkle69

I think you need to cut contact with this guy and be single for a while. Take time to focus on yourself, not going forward and back to a guy who clearly sees you as a bit on the side. Also you said you don't really like him, so why wait? Cut contact, talk to a counselor and try getting your life in order.

LegacyUser

Addictedto wrote: »

OP here! Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond to me. I know what I'm doing is really stupid, if one of my friends was doing what I was doing I would think they were a complete idiot. I just cannot seem to talk any sense into myself. I in no way excuse my behaviour or think I'm passive in this. It's like I'm addicted to the drama and game playing, that I don't even want out.

Just to say to those who say I'm being used or are waiting around for him to leave his girlfriend, I don't think thats true anymore, but probably at the start. I did ask him after the second or third time it happened to leave his girlfriend, and he gave me the usual ****e talk that cheaters do. I cut him out for 6 months after this but I eventually let him back in, as he is unfortunately involved in my life in other ways, and have now accepted it for what it is. To be honest after interacting with him over 3 years, I'm not sure I even like him that much, if he left his girlfriend for me we'd probably last all of a week. I could have his girlfriend informed if I did really want it to end.With regards to his girlfriend, my ability to compartmentalise seems to be strong, because in my mind she's just a silly girl who has no idea what her boyfriend is really capable of. I know this is awful!

Our whole situation has never stopped me dating other men either. I've dated plenty and fallen for a few people but I always come back to this. The only thing that seems to affect me is the thought of what it would do to his sister, who I am close to, if she found out. I guess I should go back to the counsellor, I'm just embarrassed that I slipped up again after managing to withhold for 4 months and swearing blind I'd never do it again.

Hi,

Fwiw, I do view it as akin to an addiction (as I said earlier) and like a lot of addictions there is a mixture of physiological and psychological elements.

Both physiologically and psychologically, our bodies get inured to any sort of pleasure, it's something called hedonic adaption. I'm not sure there is a bright line difference between the physiological and psychological aspects of addiction. Eventually we can used to anything. Physiologically I used to crave touching my mistress, it was a tangible, physical urge. But equally, it was a psychological need too, she was literally always on my mind. Anyone who has been in this situation will be able to tell you what an incredible high that feeling is. It is far, far "higher" than I ever got from drink or cannabis. (I should point out that I avoided harder drugs all my life as there is a history of alcohol addiction in my family, I rarely even drink spirits now just to be safe.)

And like any high, there is a hangover, in my case, a sense of deep regret and failure. Of not being worthy of my partner, my friends, my life. I'd be full of good intentions, I'd promise myself I'd stay the course but like any hangover, those feelings would fade, and then it was easy to text her, to meet her. And so the process begins again.

I don't really believe counselling would have helped me because I would find it hard to open up, though maybe it would help you OP. I suspect you already know everything a counsellor would tell you though.

In my case, my father was an alcoholic who died when I was a teenager, it's not hard to see how that had an impact on how I related to relationships and how it forced me to close off emotional outlets that I shouldn't have closed. It's easy to see how I will always look for external validation because a person who should have been there for me ****ed off into a bottle instead. It's easy to blame circumstance, life, whatever, but ultimately, I was the guy lying to my wife, making bad decisions and acting like it was no big deal. I take responsibility for that. I don't know what your drivers are, but deep down I suppose you do.

Anyhow OP, I wouldn't try to stop this by negative reasoning, because I don't think it would work. (as in, I won't, this time I won't, next time I won't etc) but rather I'd try and focus on the positive things you want from life, from a relationship. Everyone deserves to be more than someone's afterthought, and you do too. Find the real reason you want to quit, if you really want to quit.

Anyhow, good luck, I hope you get to a place where things are better.