Have I any right to be hurt here? :(

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Registered user going un-reg for this... Background: myself and an ex broke up about 3 years ago. It was totally my fault. I didn't treat her as well as I should have and she moved on, which was totally fine. When I say I didn't treat her as well as I should have I don't mean there was abuse etc or any of the kind, what happened was I knew the relationship was going nowhere and Iet it continue on longer than it should have. I wasn't 100% ready to commit to continuing the relationship and I lead her on for a while. I totally admit to this being my fault.

We've stayed in touch a little, the odd text or Snapchat here and there etc. But never has there been any attempt on either side to rekindle things. We've been civil and friendly with each other without actually seeing each other since.

My issue: my best friend was out in her hometown last week. He met her in the nightclub and basically she tried her best to get it on with him. He said it took him a while to lose her and once he had she started to message asking "where are you etc".

I don't know why but this is hurting me. Out of hundreds of guys in that place she chose my very best friend to latch onto for an hour and try to get home with. I trust my friend's version of events 100% as there were others there.

Why is this bothering me so much? Does this mean I still have feelings for her? How do I proceed, I'd love to ask her why would she go after that particular guy when there were plenty of others there... or is it just none of my business because the relationship was 3 years ago and ended because of me being a dick?

It's hit me hard and I don't know why.

Any advice would be appreciated, I know this is a great place for it

SB_Part2

It's a bit odd but it's really none of your business. Just be glad that your friend has no interest.

Ursus Horribilis

It sounds like you've got a bit of wounded male ego going on here, with a bit of territorialism thrown in for good measure. You're broken up with her for a long time now and you've got no right to dictate who she does or doesn't pursue. As the person above me said, be glad your mate didn't fancy her back.

milehip

Sorry dude but its been 3 years, that's time enough for her to try it on with whoever she wants even if it is with your best friend,chin up

bee06

I'd say she went after him to try and hurt you and it sounds like she succeeded.

LegacyUser

bee06 wrote: »

I'd say she went after him to try and hurt you and it sounds like she succeeded.

OP here again. I'd say you are correct here. I can't argue with any of what is said by every poster. I wish I didn't care about it though, it genuinely sickened me when I heard it. Maybe I do have feelings for her.

I'm not going to say anything about it, as that shows I am hurt. But I will say I would never go near the best friend of one of my exes, I dunno, morally it doesn't sit right with me. Just to point out too, she knows 100% this would have been the person that would have hurt me the most if I did care.

But I shouldn't care. I guess that's the problem. Why do I?

Fakediamond

Maybe she always fancied him and decided to give it a go, seeing as she's a free agent

milehip

bee06 wrote: »

I'd say she went after him to try and hurt you and it sounds like she succeeded.

I doubt this very much. If she wanted to hurt op she's had plenty of time to do so.

bee06

milehip wrote: »

I doubt this very much. If she wanted to hurt op she's had plenty of time to do so.

Well maybe she didn't plan it. She was out, drunk, and saw the friend and thought she'd try it on with him because she knew it would mess with OP's head.

It doesn't really matter anyway. OP had no right to feel hurt. He was the one that hurt her, broke up with her. She's a free agent so can try it on with whoever she wants, the same as he can.

GuessWhoEh

As far as I'm concerned, you two split up 3 years ago. You've admitted some was your fault but leave the past in the past. She could of done it out of spite or maybe she just had a few drinks on her and got the better of herself. Either ways, you don't have much of a say anymore. Your friend however has admitted that nothing happened and that he tried to get rid of her in the club. That itself shows that he respects his friend and also he doesn't like clinger ons by the sounds of it. Personally I don't think you should be annoyed but it's clear she doesn't think anymore of you so why should you?

MaroonAndGreen

Fakediamond wrote: »

Maybe she always fancied him and decided to give it a go, seeing as she's a free agent

Just have to chip in and say every response on here has been reasonable.

But this.

The guy obviously still has feelings for her and you come in and say this. Why would you feel the need to put that thought in the lads head? That maybe she fancied his best friend all along? That response benefits nobody and actually is quite cruel IMO.

Rubberchikken

Op
Do you know if she's been dating the past 3 years?
If she has, has any of that bothered you?
It could be that you see her with your best friend as too close for comfort.
Maybe for your sake and so that you can move on healthily, it would be better to let contact with her go for the moment.
It's good that you're remained friendly, but it can also keep wounds from healing imo.
Good luck

Fakediamond

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

Just have to chip in and say every response on here has been reasonable.

But this.

The guy obviously still has feelings for her and you come in and say this. Why would you feel the need to put that thought in the lads head? That maybe she fancied his best friend all along? That response benefits nobody and actually is quite cruel IMO.

Huh? He implied in his op that he wasn't that into her back then so I doubt that he "still has feelings for her" now :rolleyes:

milehip

UNREGOP wrote: »

OP here again. I'd say you are correct here. I can't argue with any of what is said by every poster. I wish I didn't care about it though, it genuinely sickened me when I heard it. Maybe I do have feelings for her.

I'm not going to say anything about it, as that shows I am hurt. But I will say I would never go near the best friend of one of my exes, I dunno, morally it doesn't sit right with me. Just to point out too, she knows 100% this would have been the person that would have hurt me the most if I did care.

But I shouldn't care. I guess that's the problem. Why do I?

I think you answered your own question there- last line first paragraph.

Don't dwell on the theory that she hit on your friend to hurt you explicitly- not healtly for you to think like that at all,

she could have too much to drink and like people here allready wrote she could have fancied him for ages and be glad that he either didn't fancy her back or was loyal enough to you not to be tempted.

try and focus on the last part as a positive,busy yourself with other stuff and in a few weeks you'll be wondering why you even started this thread.

lawred2

OPUNREG wrote: »

Hey guys,

Registered user going un-reg for this... Background: myself and an ex broke up about 3 years ago. It was totally my fault. I didn't treat her as well as I should have and she moved on, which was totally fine. When I say I didn't treat her as well as I should have I don't mean there was abuse etc or any of the kind, what happened was I knew the relationship was going nowhere and Iet it continue on longer than it should have. I wasn't 100% ready to commit to continuing the relationship and I lead her on for a while. I totally admit to this being my fault.

We've stayed in touch a little, the odd text or Snapchat here and there etc. But never has there been any attempt on either side to rekindle things. We've been civil and friendly with each other without actually seeing each other since.

My issue: my best friend was out in her hometown last week. He met her in the nightclub and basically she tried her best to get it on with him. He said it took him a while to lose her and once he had she started to message asking "where are you etc".

I don't know why but this is hurting me. Out of hundreds of guys in that place she chose my very best friend to latch onto for an hour and try to get home with. I trust my friend's version of events 100% as there were others there.

Why is this bothering me so much? Does this mean I still have feelings for her? How do I proceed, I'd love to ask her why would she go after that particular guy when there were plenty of others there... or is it just none of my business because the relationship was 3 years ago and ended because of me being a dick?

It's hit me hard and I don't know why.

Any advice would be appreciated, I know this is a great place for it

It was three years ago.

Maybe she genuinely fancied him. She's allowed to. If it hit you hard it's because you've simply not moved on.

lawred2

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

Just have to chip in and say every response on here has been reasonable.

But this.

The guy obviously still has feelings for her and you come in and say this. Why would you feel the need to put that thought in the lads head? That maybe she fancied his best friend all along? That response benefits nobody and actually is quite cruel IMO.

Cruel? Settle down.

Are they mutual friends?
How'd she have his number?
Why did your mate tell you this?
I would never tell my mate that his x partner was basically begging me to go home with her, because this is just insensitive and rude
I would be afraid of upsetting my friend, as it has upset you
What was he hoping to gain by telling you
If my mate told me this I'd be pretty pissed that he felt he had to. Just wouldn't sit right with me

Doesn't sound right

Ursus Horribilis

I think you're reading too much into this. The friend might have had the ex's number from way back when she was dating his best pal. I'm not seeing anything sinister here.

As for why the best friend told the OP, it could be just a case of telling him before someone else did. To quote the OP's own words"I trust my friend's version of events 100% as there were others there." Or perhaps he assumed that his pal was long since over his ex by now and that the story wouldn't hurt him. I think this story could've ended a lot worse actually. What if the friend had gone home with the ex and rattled the mattress springs?

The OP's perfectly entitled to feel hurt because human emotions are complicated things. Logically it doesn't make sense of course because they're broken up and she can do what she wants. I think the shock and hurt of this will fade over the coming weeks anyway.

Ursus Horribilis

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think you're reading too much into this. The friend might have had the ex's number from way back when she was dating his best pal. I'm not seeing anything sinister here.

As for why the best friend told the OP, it could be just a case of telling him before someone else did. To quote the OP's own words"I trust my friend's version of events 100% as there were others there." Or perhaps he assumed that his pal was long since over his ex by now and that the story wouldn't hurt him. I think this story could've ended a lot worse actually. What if the friend had gone home with the ex and rattled the mattress springs?

The OP's perfectly entitled to feel hurt because human emotions are complicated things. Logically it doesn't make sense of course because they're broken up and she can do what she wants. I think the shock and hurt of this will fade over the coming weeks anyway.

Sorry, my post did sound very sinister didn't it.
Sorry op
Nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, we are all human and don't feel bad about feeling the way you do, just try forget about it
Maybe tell your mate that it hurt to hear about it, and maybe not to bring stuff like this up again
It served no purpose

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Op
Do you know if she's been dating the past 3 years?
If she has, has any of that bothered you?
It could be that you see her with your best friend as too close for comfort.
Maybe for your sake and so that you can move on healthily, it would be better to let contact with her go for the moment.
It's good that you're remained friendly, but it can also keep wounds from healing imo.
Good luck

OP here. Thanks for all responses.

Jesus. This has rung a bell with me. She has dated others and ive not cared. I guess the thought of it being close to home has enhanced my feeling.

Plus to those wondering, my friends GF also witnessed this and seen the messages, so he's 100% truthful here.

Just out of interest, am I the only one that think exes best friends should be out of bounds? I suppose it hurts because she appeared to want to hurt me by doing it.

Also, I didn't break up with her because I didn't love her. Our lives and wants were going different ways, I dealt with it poorly and I was probably a dick and immature. It wasn't a break up because I got sick of her.

But yeah, positive that my friend told me, and yeah he would have told me as he'd think im completely over it I suppose.

zoobizoo

It's ego and nothing more.


Why did she hit on your friend.... Who knows? Horny, drunk, familiarity, free agent, independent, fancies a kiss/shag and easier to hit on a lad she knows.

That's where your ego is coming in, thinking that this is about you and to hurt you.

She is independent of you, is living her life, wants to pull and you're upset because your ego is thinking "I can't believe that this girl who I rejected is not thinking about me in all of this"

Dial Hard

UNREDOP wrote:

Just out of interest, am I the only one that think exes best friends should be out of bounds? I suppose it hurts because she appeared to want to hurt me by doing it.

Or maybe she never even gave you a second thought because it's been three years and you were the one who broke up with her.

Rubberchikken

you sound like a decent person who made a mistake. everyone does. i don't really think an exes best friend should be out of bounds. don't think love or even attraction works like that, but i don't think this will happen in this case.
could simply have been an opportunity + alcohol = chance. but nothing came of it. her behaviour that night and how it appears to you is your reading of it. you see it as her wanting to hurt you, that may not be accurate and i think you know it deep down.

you also can't beat yourself up over breaking up with her. what if you hadn't? would you both really be together now? if you're lives were going in opposite ways then they definitely wouldn't be on track by now.

maybe it's good that it happened. you think you acted like a di*k then, so 3 years later look how much more mature you've become.
go easy on yourself.

Ursus Horribilis

It's funny how you're choosing to latch onto the narrative that she did this to hurt you. And if you are convinced that she's the sort who'd bed her ex's friend out of spite, aren't you lucky she's an ex?

Eimee90

I highly doubt she did it to hurt him, she was probably drunk, recognised him and beer goggles took over. 3 years is a very long time to suddenly attempt to hurt someone.

leggo

I'm a bit more sympathetic towards the OP. This kinda stuff can sting, whether you've any rational reason to dislike it or not. You don't get to have a say...but you can be a bit hurt by it all the same.

When I think back to exes and if they were to try it on with good mates of mine: if it was one of the serious ones, I'd be hurt, because it'd trivialise and call into question how serious we ever were if they could do that to me. And yeah I'd be wondering if she fancied them all along and if I was a fool for taking them seriously when I just got used. If it was one of the less serious ones, I'd probably just laugh and judge them a bit. I've had both done a couple times to me in the past and it's definitely not a good feeling.

But, ultimately, the only person who owes you any kind of loyalty in a scenario like this is your friend, and he didn't do anything and told all as soon as he saw you. So it's a net win.

Ellie2008

I'd have more sympathy for the whole friends are off limits card if she had broken your heart OP, but by your own admission you strung her along.

As others have said who know why she did it. I'd like to think you are bothered because you have feelings for her, not because your ego is wounded because someone you are not interested in dared to show interest in your friend three years after your break-up.

Ursus Horribilis

Ellie2008 wrote: »

I'd have more sympathy for the whole friends are off limits card if she had broken your heart OP, but by your own admission you strung her along.

I thought the "rule" was to do with your mate coming in and stealing the girl you fancied from under his nose. In this case, you got the girl but ultimately it didn't work out. 3 years is a long time ago and you'd hope that she still isn't carrying a torch for you after all this time.

As an aside, I wonder did she wake up the next morning and think "Oh my god, what have I done?" :eek:

leggo

To be fair, there's over 3 billion men and women on the planet. If someone is that starved for options that they need to go after either people their friends are pulling or people they've been with, they're a bit of a snake and not a good friend, because they know what they risk sacrificing and do it anyway. That's how I see it personally. Not much you can do, though, except remove those people from your life as it comes up.

Dial Hard

leggo wrote:

To be fair, there's over 3 billion men and women on the planet. If someone is that starved for options that they need to go after either people their friends are pulling or people they've been with, they're a bit of a snake and not a good friend, because they know what they risk sacrificing and do it anyway. That's how I see it personally.

I'm not sure that argument holds much water in a place as small as Ireland. Practically every couple I know has had friend "crossover" at some stage.

con___manx1

If your hurt you obviously still care about her. If you didn't you wouldn't give a crap. That's the way I'd be anyway.

leggo

Dial Hard wrote: »

I'm not sure that argument holds much water in a place as small as Ireland. Practically every couple I know has had friend "crossover" at some stage.

Really? I see that within an individual group of friends that gets incestuous, but with my own mates' partners I've never been with any of them, nor have any of my mates been with a girl I've been with before. I've known lads who've tried it on with girls I've been with and they've always been, how should we put it, the type who need to try with any girl who'll give them a second glance. That's it really.

Anyway, apologies, interesting conversation but probably distracting from the OP. My bad.

professore

Really surprised at how many on here think it's not OK to be with a girl that your friend dated 3 YEARS AGO and didn't even fancy much? That is just wrong. There is maybe a case if she was the love of your life, but even then, if she falls in love with your best friend, and he feels the same, who are you to stop them?

There are whole threads on boards about controlling boyfriends and girlfriends, (e.g. I want to go on a month long holiday to a desert island with my hot gym instructor and my boyfriend doesn't want me to, is he controlling?) and some of them seem completely over the top in applying the controlling label - but this screams control freak to me.

Why do you even care who she dates? Also if she did it just to make you jealous she's a manipulator and you've had a lucky escape - if that's the case.

professore

con___manx1 wrote: »

If your hurt you obviously still care about her. If you didn't you wouldn't give a crap. That's the way I'd be anyway.

He said she'd been with other guys and he didn't care.

leggo

professore wrote: »

Really surprised at how many on here think it's not OK to be with a girl that your friend dated 3 YEARS AGO and didn't even fancy much? That is just wrong. There is maybe a case if she was the love of your life, but even then, if she falls in love with your best friend, and he feels the same, who are you to stop them?

There are whole threads on boards about controlling boyfriends and girlfriends, (e.g. I want to go on a month long holiday to a desert island with my hot gym instructor and my boyfriend doesn't want me to, is he controlling?) and some of them seem completely over the top in applying the controlling label - but this screams control freak to me.

Why do you even care who she dates? Also if she did it just to make you jealous she's a manipulator and you've had a lucky escape - if that's the case.

Where I'd, personally, see the problem is that the mate doesn't really value my friendship that much with me if he'd willfully give it up for the sake of trying to get a girlfriend or, worse, some easy sex. In that case I'd lose the mate because they've shown me that trying to get the ride is more important to them than me, so obviously they don't value our friendship and aren't worth keeping in my life. It's not really about the girl in question, she's free to do what she wants, it's about the price they put on the friendship and if that's low enough to check out over a girl then they clearly aren't worth my time and energy.

If it's based off genuine connection, though, that's somewhat different. My first serious relationship ended and she ended up with a guy I would've considered a close friend at the time. He asked me for his blessing and I gave it. They're now engaged and I'm happy that something serious came of it, because it made things awkward enough that it cost us our friendship. I'm happy for them, though, and glad it worked out in the end because he gave her what I couldn't.

So it's not black and white either, but there's definitely a line there and only the desperate and lonely pretend there's not in my experience.

LegacyUser

OP back here again everyone. Thanks for the replies, especially the ones that were tough on me. And I mean that. Some things need to be said.

Almost a week has passed and it’s not really bothering me anymore. As was mentioned above I’ve never had any problems with her dating other guys, maybe it’s just the thought of her being with my best friend that was difficult to accept. As for the poster who said I sound super controlling, I’m just going to say your plain wrong, I’m not.

Maybe I do have feelings for her still, but obviously not too much. I haven’t acted on the incident, I’ve said nothing to nobody and the most that’s happened is me and the mate have laughed about it.

I know she is entitled to pursue whoever she wants, I don’t know why she chased my pal, but I don’t need to know either. It happened, it hurt me for a while, but it’s done. And my friend didn’t return the interest in her.

Thanks for the replies again. Maybe I am too sensitive to this sort of stuff, I’ll work on it.

IvoryTower

leggo wrote: »

but there's definitely a line there and only the desperate and lonely pretend there's not in my experience.

No one is denying there isn't a line, but there's certainly no line after 3 years

Christ after 3 months id have hoped to have moved on.

MaroonAndGreen

IvoryTower wrote: »

No one is denying there isn't a line, but there's certainly no line after 3 years

Christ after 3 months id have hoped to have moved on.

I don't think the timing is being questioned. The OP even says 3 years is a long time and he felt he had no right to be hurt. I think it's just the fact that it involved an ex he obviously cared/still cares about and his best friend. I can understand how it might sting a little if it happened. But it didn't, fair play to the friend.

IvoryTower

MaroonAndGreen wrote: »

I don't think the timing is being questioned. The OP even says 3 years is a long time and he felt he had no right to be hurt. I think it's just the fact that it involved an ex he obviously cared/still cares about and his best friend. I can understand how it might sting a little if it happened. But it didn't, fair play to the friend.

It reads to me more like his ego was hurt, he wants to hear that she was wrong when she has done nothing wrong. Id agree with the poster above who reckons it falls into the controlling category.

MaroonAndGreen

IvoryTower wrote: »

It reads to me more like his ego was hurt, he wants to hear that she was wrong when she has done nothing wrong. Id agree with the poster above who reckons it falls into the controlling category.

I'd call it controlling if he's gone storming in and telling her she shouldn't have done it but we don't know if that happened. All we know is that it hurt him. Making the judgement that he's controlling is harsh at this point. As someone said above, you can't help how you feel sometimes.

IvoryTower

He broke up with someone he wasnt even arsed with. IMO he's not really hurt, his ego is hurt because his ex wants to score his mate. Been there myself on a few occasions, you just have to learn to differentiate between the two and understand that it's really none of your business anymore.

pilly

I'm trying to put myself in OP's shoes and I think it depends on how long I had been with the person. If it was a long term relationship yeah I think I would feel hurt by it. If it was a short term one then not so much.

It'll sting for a couple of days OP but it'll pass. Would be a lot worse if something had happened.

MaroonAndGreen

OPUNREG wrote: »

OP back here again everyone. Thanks for the replies, especially the ones that were tough on me. And I mean that. Some things need to be said.

Almost a week has passed and it’s not really bothering me anymore. As was mentioned above I’ve never had any problems with her dating other guys, maybe it’s just the thought of her being with my best friend that was difficult to accept. As for the poster who said I sound super controlling, I’m just going to say your plain wrong, I’m not.

Maybe I do have feelings for her still, but obviously not too much. I haven’t acted on the incident, I’ve said nothing to nobody and the most that’s happened is me and the mate have laughed about it.

I know she is entitled to pursue whoever she wants, I don’t know why she chased my pal, but I don’t need to know either. It happened, it hurt me for a while, but it’s done. And my friend didn’t return the interest in her.

Thanks for the replies again. Maybe I am too sensitive to this sort of stuff, I’ll work on it.

Fair play mate. You'll be sound.

leggo

IvoryTower wrote: »

It reads to me more like his ego was hurt, he wants to hear that she was wrong when she has done nothing wrong. Id agree with the poster above who reckons it falls into the controlling category.

It's not controlling at all! Think about what the term controlling means: it's when you actively try and exert control over someone's life to influence their decisions to benefit you. He's done none of this, just felt a little hurt by it and wanted to understand those feelings better.

Also: the people using the word 'ego' as if it's an insult, it's perfectly okay and normal for your ego to be hurt. For example, if someone in your job that you took pride in ran down your work, your ego would be hurt and it'd be okay to feel that because it's a positive to take pride in yourself. It's a very Irish thing to put someone down for having pride or ego, it's allowed, and shouldn't be used to minimise how someone feels.

LegacyUser

IvoryTower wrote: »

He broke up with someone he wasnt even arsed with. IMO he's not really hurt, his ego is hurt because his ex wants to score his mate. Been there myself on a few occasions, you just have to learn to differentiate between the two and understand that it's really none of your business anymore.

OP here.

To clarify, this wasn’t someone I wasn’t arsed with, and never did I say it so I don’t know why this assumption has been made. We were very close, and were together for over 2 years. I loved this girl. Our lives were going in different directions (not elaborating on this as I’d rather not be identified) and it should have been ended sooner, and that was my fault. Me being head over heels for her is the reason I let it go on too long.

Thanks for your advice but please avoid the false narrative that seems to have developed that I didn’t give a fcuk about her.

MaroonAndGreen

Fakediamond wrote: »

Huh? He implied in his op that he wasn't that into her back then so I doubt that he "still has feelings for her" now :rolleyes:

Maybe read the last post from OP on thread.