Single Father holiday arrangements

monaghanmen

Hi there, I hope someone can help me here. I'm a single father and have access and guardianship. I contacted my my son's mother to say I would take my son on holidays this summer. His mother took him on holidays last year and I took him on holidays the previous year. When I contacted her she replied saying she was taking our son on holidays "going to need you to meet half of the costs of flights and accommodation for him" Where do I stand. When she took him on holidays previously she did not mention holiday payment nor did I when I took him on holidays.
Does anyone know what is actually the case here.
My feeling is If i'm taking our son on holidays I do not need to pay for his holidays with his mother.
Has anyone encountered similar? Thanks in advance

antodeco

Wrong place to put this! I've flagged the post to a mod to move

Zaph

Moved from Motorsport

December2012

Do you have a separation agreement in place? What do you do for other big occasions such as Christmas and birthdays

Another day

If you are paying maintenance then no you should not contribute as that is supposed to cover all costs. A holiday is a choice not a necessity and therefore it is up to the person having the holiday to pay. When the time comes you could give your child spending money as a gesture of goodwill.

BetsyEllen

I don't think this is fair at all.
It was the Mothers choice to arrange this, without your input or knowledge and she hasn't been very decent in the way she's gone about it.

I would decline and advise her that you won't be contributing as you are taking him on your own holiday.

With regards to 'where do you stand' none of us can know that without knowing the terms of your custody agreement.

lifeandtimes

It all depends in what your maintenance order says,if says normal maintenance plus additional extras to be split 50/50 then yes that would make sense but also she would then have to pay for half of the holiday with you.

If it doesn't mention it then you do not have to pay for any of her holiday with your child.

You could back to her and say that you will be as the child is here too she will need to cover half of the costs for the child on your holiday. She won't go for this so that should set her straight

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Knine

Another day wrote: »

If you are paying maintenance then no you should not contribute as that is supposed to cover all costs.

It generally does not even cover half the costs. So no I don't feel sorry for the parent who is not the main caretaker. They often get away lightly.

To be honest I think she has some cheek. I am going away for a few days next week with my daughter. It was my choice to go away so I am covering flights & hotel. However you can be guaranteed her father will be over next week with lots of spending money for her. He has already given her money to buy some clothes. Maybe try to reach some sort of compromise?

ted1

Knine wrote: »

It generally does not even cover half the costs. So no I don't feel sorry for the parent who is not the main caretaker. They often get away lightly.

And often they don't . It's very tough on some people only seen your kids once a week if even.

Knine

ted1 wrote: »

And often they don't . It's very tough on some people only seen your kids once a week if even.

I don't think this thread is about access.

To the OP try to reach some sort of compromise without being walked all over. I guess as others have mentioned a lot depends on your maintenance agreement. Children also get more expensive as they get older & maybe your agreement needs to be revisited.

monaghanmen

antodeco wrote: »

Wrong place to put this! I've flagged the post to a mod to move

Apologies for posting in wrong place. First ever post and I found it difficult to get it even posted. Thanks for flagging it. Apologies again

monaghanmen

December2012 wrote: »

Do you have a separation agreement in place? What do you do for other big occasions such as Christmas and birthdays

Thanks for your reply. We were never married. On big occasions we split access. Two years ago I took him on holidays and last year his mam took him on holidays without either holidays requiring additional money from either side.

monaghanmen

Another day wrote: »

If you are paying maintenance then no you should not contribute as that is supposed to cover all costs. A holiday is a choice not a necessity and therefore it is up to the person having the holiday to pay. When the time comes you could give your child spending money as a gesture of goodwill.

Thank you for your reply. I took him on holidays two years ago and last year his mam took him on holidays and I gave him some spending money. On both holidays no one gave either side any additional money.

monaghanmen

lifeandtimes wrote: »

It all depends in what your maintenance order says,if says normal maintenance plus additional extras to be split 50/50 then yes that would make sense but also she would then have to pay for half of the holiday with you.

If it doesn't mention it then you do not have to pay for any of her holiday with your child.

You could back to her and say that you will be as the child is here too she will need to cover half of the costs for the child on your holiday. She won't go for this so that should set her straight

Thank you for your reply. That's sort of what I feel too. I took him on holidays two years ago and she took him last year. I gave him some spending money last year but didn't contribute otherwise and neither did she when I took him so I felt that was a fair arrangement. Maintenance Is always paid and on time but her parting word in court a few years ago was she would ensure he would not want anything to do with me by the age of 12. Sad reflection but we've developed a strong relationship since then.

monaghanmen

sashafierce wrote: »

Wow OP I always feel for the fathers in these situations. Surely a holiday being a treat for the kid you would not be required to pay just like she won't pay for yours?

Thanks sashafierce. It's exactly how I feel about it. I won't let him go without but I'm not prepared for my son to be used as pawn. We have developed a great relationship which I think is part of the problem.holidays certainly are a treat. I took him two years ago and she took him last year. Neither side contributed to either holiday apart from me giving him some spending money.

monaghanmen

Knine wrote: »

I don't think this thread is about access.

To the OP try to reach some sort of compromise without being walked all over. I guess as others have mentioned a lot depends on your maintenance agreement. Children also get more expensive as they get older & maybe your agreement needs to be revisited.

Thank you for your reply. Maintenance is paid weekly and is above average. Agreed children do get more expensive as they get older. Court agreement is just over two years old and he is now 5. We both have taken him on holidays with no extra payments either way, but she seems to feel this should change and if I give in I'm setting a precedent.

groovyg

monaghanmen wrote: »

Thank you for your reply. Maintenance is paid weekly and is above average. Agreed children do get more expensive as they get older. Court agreement is just over two years old and he is now 5. We both have taken him on holidays with no extra payments either way, but she seems to feel this should change and if I give in I'm setting a precedent.

I think you need to put the foot down on this one, holidays are a luxury not a necessity and if she wants to take him on a holiday herself then she is going to have to fund it herself.

lifeandtimes

Yes just tell her you won't be paying then.

If she even tries to bring you too court she won't be able to,she would need to go and claim a breach of your maintenance order has happened and if it doesn't mention holidays then the clerks wont allow her to lodge it.

However it's always best to try and be amicable so tell her in a nice way that as holidays aren't part of the agreement if she wishes to take him on holidays it's at her expense and to be honest a 5 year old wouldn't really need spending money but a few quid woukd be a good gesture

fima

Why can't he go on two holidays? Surely he will have 8 weeks off in the summer? You don't contribute to hers and she won't contribute to yours. Child wins.

Knine

lifeandtimes wrote: »

If she even tries to bring you too court she won't be able to,she would need to go and claim a breach of your maintenance order has happened and if it doesn't mention holidays then the clerks wont allow her to lodge it.

This is actually not correct. She could indeed bring him to court & look for a variation of maintenance. The clerk would allow her to do this. Whether she would be successful or not with an increase is another story.

However I think his ex is a chancer & if she gets away with it, she will come up with more demands. As your son is only 5 he would not need much spending money but I would offer a token amount & maybe some new summer clothes. Keep receipts.

monaghanmen

Unfortunately this person knows the courts every turn and self represents. So far she has minipulated the courts yet child care, crèche and school workers have all approached in private as to how it took them time to realise the manipulative nature she is. I feel thanked when they approach as I have an idea as to how I was portraid on the outset. Thank you for the advice. I'm almost broke over her but I have a son I love so dearly and brings such a smile and happiness to me. Yes a chancer is a good summary. I feel if I paid for extra holidays she will look for an increase in maintenance???? I've been on the upper end of the scale from the beginning.

I Am_Not_Ice

Please don't acquiesce to the demands of this parasite. If you give people like her an inch she'll take a mile.

sReq | uTeK

monaghanmen wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. We were never married. On big occasions we split access. Two years ago I took him on holidays and last year his mam took him on holidays without either holidays requiring additional money from either side.

Then that's your answer and it set the precedent. I'd be inclined to cite both previous holidays but I'd state that you'll be giving your son some spending money and if she so wished to do the same for your holiday so be it.

Knine

Having been in your situation, I can tell you chancers do get found out in court. Keep doing the fantastic job & keep evidence of everything. If you end up in court - back up everything you say. You can also represent yourself. I did with great success. You can also appeal any order that you think is not in your son's best interests.

I would agree that if you give into those demands you may be creating a rod for your own back.

The best of luck.

FAILSAFE 00

Never hand over cash for anything. Always transfer any money needed from your bank account to her account that way there is always a record of it. I know a lad that was handing over cash which in court was said to have been never given to his ex.

Witchie

Wow, I wish you were my ex hubby. He didn't take my sons anywhere and didnt contribut to them at all for years. In fact I offered to pay for them to go on a family holiday with his new wife and kids so they could spend some time together and he wouldn't take them. Even though my sons could have babysat for their younger sisters so that the parents could relax a little. (The eldest was 16 at the time).

So basically my moan is that your ex is a lucky woman to be getting the support she is from you financially and the time you spend with your son. So tell her to count her lucky stars and leave you alone.