Am I wrong to be upset about my husband's travel plans?

LegacyUser

I'm looking for perspectives on an argument with my husband which kicked off yesterday - the issue itself might sound minor but it seems to have triggered sore points for both of us.

Background: My husband's family lives abroad, and he usually visits twice a year. After chatting to his parents on Sunday, he mentioned that they asked him to visit again soon, and that he'd like to go over for a weekend. I was a bit surprised at this, given it's not long since he was there and we're planning to go as a family in a few months anyway, so I said as much, but we left it at that. Then yesterday evening, he came back from work. He pointed to the calendar, said he had looked up flights and was looking to head over for 6 days next week (he said there was no point in going for less than that, as due to travel time he wouldn't be there long enough to justify the trip).

While he hadn't yet booked anything, I was frustrated that he seemed to have conjured up this trip on a whim, wanted to go for twice as long as he originally mentioned, hadn't factored in whether he'd have enough annual leave left to cover school holidays, and just presumed I should be fine with it all. However I didn't even get to say as much to him yesterday, as he sensed I was annoyed and he walked off. We didn't speak for the rest of the evening or much this morning. He was visibly seething at my reaction and said it took him hours last night to calm himself down.

He arrived home for lunch today and told me he was deeply unhappy. That he thought I was totally unjustified and irrational at being upset at his plans and how he had approached them. His point of view is that I shouldn't have gotten upset at all - he was right in thinking I was angry, but I feel he dropped this on me with very little notice, and at a bad time (when I was busy making dinner with two noisy kids running around the kitchen), and I believe my anger was justified (bearing in mind I didn't even express it to him verbally at the time). He feels I have must have deeper issues with him going away. I explained my reasons to him earlier and he still maintains I'm not entitled to be upset.

As a background to this - between work and going home, he travels 4-5 times a year and has a history of springing these plans on me with short notice which has led to arguments before. We've had relationship issues in the past and attended some counselling, but things have been fairly settled for the past few years. I feel he's been on a short fuse anyway lately and that this is a symptom of larger problems - he denies this. I'm at a loss as to how to move forward. He strongly feels I'm being unreasonable, and as a result I'm doubting myself. Maybe he's right. At the same time, if I persist in defending my point of view, he will become more angry and emotionally distant from me.

TLDR: I am wondering if it's unreasonable for me to be upset with my husband for taking it for granted that he could plan a week's holidays at very short notice and assuming I'd be fine with it. He's angry that I'm upset, I'm worried that he's angry and I haven't a clue how to resolve the situation and communicate with him in a constructive way.

Thanks for reading - any advice would be much appreciated.

Neyite

What is standing out for me is that childcare and all the associated stuff is left entirely to you and that he's not given a thought to leaving you to look after them for a week. Is this a cultural thing for you both? Unless there are cultural elements at play here, then yes, I'd be as pissed off as you. Parents co-parent together as far as I'm concerned. Even when one is a stay at home parent, there's still housework that needs to be done and kids-related stuff that the working parent needs to pull their weight on too.

Have you ever upped and left him to it like he's done to you?

It's treating you like a hired help really. And that's not on.

bilbot79

On paper I think your feelings are justified here. However, men have a natural inclination to feel 'free' which is not truly the case once you're married/responsible etc.

I could go either way on this one. You have every right to feel aggrieved but I wonder if it would be better in the long run to let him just have his impromptu visit home.

It's up to you, does he deserve it for being good in other ways?

whiskeyman

I think you say it yourself when there's more than just these travel plans brewing.
It's not right that you feel worried and no idea how to resolve the situation with communication.
I think you need to step back and understand more why he's on a short fuse lately and why communication is so poor between you.
I hope it works out.
Sorry I've no real advice

Dial Hard

Is he Irish? It sounds very much to me like there are cultural issues at play here.

strandroad

He is extremely unreasonable. Is he normally an involved parent? What would he say if you upped and left for a week leaving him with two kids to manage?

jlm29

Obviously it's a bit much for him to take off for the guts of a week, leaving you to carry the can at home. Is there anything going on in his home place that warrants the extra trip home? An unwell parent? Any other issues?

LegacyUser

He's not Irish, no, but has been living here for over 10 years so I don't think the issues are cultural. I have been a stay at home (technically study at home) parent for the past few years but have just been offered a job and waiting on a start date. I generally take care of school, homework, and appointments but he is a very hands-on and caring dad when he gets back from work and does his share of bathtime, bedtime, and housework.

Neyite wrote: »

Have you ever upped and left him to it like he's done to you?

No, I wouldn't dream of doing that to anybody. I feel particularly disappointed and disrespected that he thinks it's okay to spring this on me. He told me earlier that what bothers him most is that he 'has to seek permission from me'. I've never ever denied him permission for anything (and it's not my place to give permission to any adult), and I'm not now. But I strongly feel that within a healthy relationship, it's reasonable to consult with each other and respect differing opinions. It is clear from my husband's reaction that he doesn't feel I am in any way justified in disagreeing with his plans or how he has gone about them.

He did scale back a bit earlier (after my initial post) and agreed that this was very short notice. But said he thought the timing was good as he wants to get away before I start work - I see where he's coming from, but still don't understand the urge to head off all of a sudden. He didn't mention a thing until Sunday. We had a temporary compromise earlier when he thought he had found flights that would only have him away for 4 days, and we were 'friends' again. Then when he realised he had miscalculated the flights and it was back to 6 days, he was back to being angry and resentful. I hate the swinging back and forth, I feel like he will be mad with me unless I unequivocally say yes to everything. But then he probably feels the same about me. He was so warm and happy earlier when things looked okay, but now he's staying away from me again. He hasn't made up his mind yet on whether to get ahead with the flights. As it stands, it's not even him being away that bothers me, just how he went about it and how he continues to expect that I should put up and shut up. I feel like I have no right to my feelings.

LegacyUser

jlm29 wrote: »

Obviously it's a bit much for him to take off for the guts of a week, leaving you to carry the van at home. Is there anything going on in his home place that warrants the extra trip home? An unwell parent? Any other issues?

No, that occurred to me too but he says there is nothing in particular going on. He is close with his parents and I think he'd just like the trip home, which I appreciate - it has to be hard for him to live away. It's the suddenness of this trip and the hostility that I'm struggling to manage.

Eimee90

Its completely bizarre, no one in their right mind ups and leaves their partner with kids like that. there is something going on, op. Id be asking him what it is

miamee

CommunicationProblems wrote: »

He's not Irish, no, but has been living here for over 10 years so I don't think the issues are cultural. I have been a stay at home (technically study at home) parent for the past few years but have just been offered a job and waiting on a start date. I generally take care of school, homework, and appointments but he is a very hands-on and caring dad when he gets back from work and does his share of bathtime, bedtime, and housework.

No, I wouldn't dream of doing that to anybody. I feel particularly disappointed and disrespected that he thinks it's okay to spring this on me. He told me earlier that what bothers him most is that he 'has to seek permission from me'. I've never ever denied him permission for anything (and it's not my place to give permission to any adult), and I'm not now. But I strongly feel that within a healthy relationship, it's reasonable to consult with each other and respect differing opinions. It is clear from my husband's reaction that he doesn't feel I am in any way justified in disagreeing with his plans or how he has gone about them.

He did scale back a bit earlier (after my initial post) and agreed that this was very short notice. But said he thought the timing was good as he wants to get away before I start work - I see where he's coming from, but still don't understand the urge to head off all of a sudden. He didn't mention a thing until Sunday. We had a temporary compromise earlier when he thought he had found flights that would only have him away for 4 days, and we were 'friends' again. Then when he realised he had miscalculated the flights and it was back to 6 days, he was back to being angry and resentful. I hate the swinging back and forth, I feel like he will be mad with me unless I unequivocally say yes to everything. But then he probably feels the same about me. He was so warm and happy earlier when things looked okay, but now he's staying away from me again. He hasn't made up his mind yet on whether to get ahead with the flights. As it stands, it's not even him being away that bothers me, just how he went about it and how he continues to expect that I should put up and shut up. I feel like I have no right to my feelings.

This bit in bold jumped out at me. Is he feeling a bit trapped either by home life or maybe something going on at work?
Of course he doesn't have to ask permission but as your husband he should very much be consulting you and you two making the decision together as to how much time away for him will be preferable for all the family, not just for himself.
He sounds very touchy about the subject but hasn't told you really why he needs to go so very suddenly and with total disregard to his wife and his children.
If it were me, I'd be exploring what the sudden urge to leave is about and where the resentment of making a joint decision is coming from if, presumably, you would normally make decisions together.

Neyite

CommunicationProblem wrote: »

No, that occurred to me too but he says there is nothing in particular going on. He is close with his parents and I think he'd just like the trip home, which I appreciate - it has to be hard for him to live away. It's the suddenness of this trip and the hostility that I'm struggling to manage.

Are you certain it's a trip home to see his parents? He's sounding overly defensive and not welcoming any discussion on it knowing that this was an issue from your counselling. Why would he rather damage an already fragile relationship rather than discuss this? It's a very extreme reaction and I'd be wondering if I'm hearing the full story.

I'd be tempted to tell him that if this hostility is his attitude towards his wife and co-parent when you just expect a heads up that you'll be parenting solo, you'd be happy to help him pack. Everything in fact. Because he clearly feels that he should be entitled to come and go as he pleases without prior consultation and families don't work like that. So does he want to be part of the family or not?

SusanC10

Hi OP

I feel that your Husband is in the wrong here. I am in a similar situation to you in that my Husband is foreign albeit living in Ireland for a very long time, we too have 2 primary-school age children and I am a Stay-at-Home-Mum soon to return to the work force.

Neither of us make plans to be away without consulting the other. Including work trips. It's not about seeking permission but rather about co-parenting and seeing what works for the family in it's entirety. Also for Personal trips it's about the family finances.

I run a Family Calendar on the Fridge (and also have an electronic version on my phone) and everything goes into that from the kids Activities and Birthday Parties, appointments etc to Holidays, Work Trips away, individual Weekends away, nights out to work trips, hobbies, meetings etc etc. I put in all my own and the kids stuff and then my Himself emails me with his and I add that too. If things clash we have a conversation and work it out.

My Husband is involved in 2 Hobbies one of which involves an annual week away - he always checks if it works with family commitments etc before booking it. I take an annual weekend away with some female friends and I always consult him before booking it.

I also understand the perspective of being away from family. We only manage once a year now at this stage mostly due to finances and trying to do other things. While that was harder on my Husband it was a joint decision.

Could you try to talk to him maybe out of the house over a drink / meal ? Where he is relaxed and not likely to walk away from the conversation. See what is really going on. For me I think that there must be something going on at home for him to make a sudden decision like that.

afkasurfjunkie

I think if the roles were reversed here and it was a woman that wanted to go see her family but husband was putting a stop to it, the replies would be very different. He's a good husband the rest of the time. If he wants to travel to see family I'd have no problem with that. If he wanted to bring the children without the consent of mum it might be a different ballgame. But it's not. It's less than a week. Plenty of women are coping while partners work away for a week at a time.
Let him off and when he gets back, plan a break away for yourself for a few nights.

Neyite

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

I think if the roles were reversed here and it was a woman that wanted to go see her family but husband was putting a stop to it, the replies would be very different. He's a good husband the rest of the time. If he wants to travel to see family I'd have no problem with that. If he wanted to bring the children without the consent of mum it might be a different ballgame. But it's not. It's less than a week. Plenty of women are coping while partners work away for a week at a time.
Let him off and when he gets back, plan a break away for yourself for a few nights.

It's not a women v man thing so don't try to make out that it is. It's about consideration for the people you live with and share responsibilities with.

When I went away for a few days not too long ago, I did run it past my partner. I checked that he had no work commitments that would clash, that we could afford the trip from our family money. I was not asking permission - and neither is the OP expecting her partner to do that. Just simply the heads up to check there was no other family commitments in the pipeline.

It's not about taking a break - she fully acknowledges and is happy for him to visit home. It's the way he left her out of any discussion and then got in a big snit with her for daring to even ask His Lordship about it. That's not how you treat your spouse.

LegacyUser

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

I think if the roles were reversed here and it was a woman that wanted to go see her family but husband was putting a stop to it, the replies would be very different.

I'm not putting a stop to it, and I wouldn't have. He has booked the original flights he wanted which I knew was the only way this was going to end as soon as he brought it up. I have family living abroad myself, and I would travel once a year to see them (even though they live closer and it's cheaper to travel to), because that's really all that time and finances allow. When I have travelled solo (which has only happened twice), the longest I would be away is three nights, I've given him plenty of notice and I'd certainly check in with him if my plans didn't suit and respect his feelings and input. I hope that he would give me the same consideration, but he doesn't.

Neyite wrote: »

Are you certain it's a trip home to see his parents?

He is definitely going to his parents, I was in the room when he was on to them and I've seen his flights. I certainly think they have been putting more pressure on him in recent years to visit more often, and he feels obliged to do so. Actually his dad made a comment to him about whether he (the dad) should speak to me first to explain how much they wanted him to go - I think it was meant as a joke, so maybe I shouldn't be reading to much into that but I wonder if they (and he) see me as the reason he doesn't travel over more often, rather than the natural obligations of work and family life, and accept that it's not feasible for him to go over more than a few times a year.

miamee wrote: »

This bit in bold jumped out at me. Is he feeling a bit trapped either by home life or maybe something going on at work?

You might have a point there, as that is something that arose when we had counselling years ago. He had no outlets or activities outside the house, which was naturally contributing to his stress levels, and when pressed on that he said it was because he had no time. This wasn't the case at all - I was actively encouraging him to take up something for himself outside of the house, but even then he said I was trying to control him by dictating him to find a hobby. He eventually found an activity that he really enjoyed and seemed to benefit him physically and mentally, but he hasn't gone for over a month now due to injury.

Now that his flights are booked, he is acting as if everything is back normal. I did try to suggest last night that we at least agree on a ballpark figure over the year of how much travel and time away would be reasonable for each of us, and he again accused me of trying to put a limit on him. He still doesn't accept that it's okay for me to have any negative feelings about it, and he feels he should be able to go wherever he wants, whenever he wants and for as long as he wants, so there's nothing stopping him from pulling this again in the future.

BetsyEllen

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

I think if the roles were reversed here and it was a woman that wanted to go see her family but husband was putting a stop to it, the replies would be very different. He's a good husband the rest of the time. If he wants to travel to see family I'd have no problem with that. If he wanted to bring the children without the consent of mum it might be a different ballgame. But it's not. It's less than a week. Plenty of women are coping while partners work away for a week at a time.
Let him off and when he gets back, plan a break away for yourself for a few nights.

It's not about him going away and not her, so it will not all be solved by her planning her own trip when he returns.

He has 2 children with this woman, shared finances too but hasn't discussed the trip at all to see if it suits.
Yes plenty of women are coping whilst their partners are working away - but I'm sure those partners are letting them know their schedules in advance as is polite and the normal thing to do when in a relationship with somebody and running a home together with children.

OP you are right to be annoyed.

LegacyUser

Thank you to everyone for the feedback so far.

SusanC10 wrote: »

Hi OP

I feel that your Husband is in the wrong here. I am in a similar situation to you in that my Husband is foreign albeit living in Ireland for a very long time, we too have 2 primary-school age children and I am a Stay-at-Home-Mum soon to return to the work force.

Neither of us make plans to be away without consulting the other. Including work trips. It's not about seeking permission but rather about co-parenting and seeing what works for the family in it's entirety. Also for Personal trips it's about the family finances.

I run a Family Calendar on the Fridge (and also have an electronic version on my phone) and everything goes into that from the kids Activities and Birthday Parties, appointments etc to Holidays, Work Trips away, individual Weekends away, nights out to work trips, hobbies, meetings etc etc. I put in all my own and the kids stuff and then my Himself emails me with his and I add that too. If things clash we have a conversation and work it out.

My Husband is involved in 2 Hobbies one of which involves an annual week away - he always checks if it works with family commitments etc before booking it. I take an annual weekend away with some female friends and I always consult him before booking it.

It was really interesting to read your reply SusanC10, as it sounds like our set-ups are very similar. How you've described you and your husband's approach is how I would like things to work here. We have a family calendar too, which in fairness my husband looked at before picking his flights. He just doesn't see the reason for it to be a mutual decision once the days look free. I was thinking about your suggestion about a quiet night out for us to talk it over further, but now that things are 'back to normal' (for him) I can't see him bring willing to engage in any further discussion about it.

Neyite wrote: »

It's not about taking a break - she fully acknowledges and is happy for him to visit home. It's the way he left her out of any discussion and then got in a big snit with her for daring to even ask His Lordship about it. That's not how you treat your spouse.

This summarises how I feel exactly. In fact it's how furious he got that it would bother me at all, which I'm most concerned about. Even if I had been entirely unreasonable, I'm not sure that his level of anger would have been justified. I don't know where to go from here. I could leave things lie, and try to get back to normal myself, and hope that it will be a long time before it crops up again. Or I could continue to try to explore it with him now, but the more we talk about it the more he seems to get angry and resentful of me - which of course I don't want either. It's not about the trip really. It's what his behaviour has revealed about his attitude towards me that has hurt me a lot.

Neyite

CommunicationProblems wrote: »

In fact it's how furious he got that it would bother me at all, which I'm most concerned about. Even if I had been entirely unreasonable, I'm not sure that his level of anger would have been justified. I don't know where to go from here. I could leave things lie, and try to get back to normal myself, and hope that it will be a long time before it crops up again. Or I could continue to try to explore it with him now, but the more we talk about it the more he seems to get angry and resentful of me - which of course I don't want either. It's not about the trip really. It's what his behaviour has revealed about his attitude towards me that has hurt me a lot.

Except... it will happen again. The very next time he wants to go home, the same thing will crop up again. You'll be treated the same way. He's choosing to believe that this is about asking permission. It's not. If you don't address this now, you will get all of this plus the "well, you were FINE about it last time!!" thrown at you. You need to be clear this is not fine. It's not done and dusted and you are not going to accept it.

I'm usually one to advocate clear communication over tit-for-tat actions, but so far you are getting nowhere with that because he's simply not listening to you. So, maybe you should consider doing exactly what he's done back to him - that is, go and arrange several days away. Somewhere without him and the kids (Spa day the other end of the country? Weekend in London with the girls?) then drop it in his lap that you are going -the sooner the better.

And when he goes predictably daft about you leaving him to juggle housework /dinners /children etc, you can just tell him that you don't need his permission to spend your family income or to take off anywhere. Just like him.

It's extreme, and not something I'd normally advocate as I say but it might be one way of making him see this from the other side.

osarusan

CommunicationProblems wrote: »

He told me earlier that what bothers him most is that he 'has to seek permission from me'.

There are times when I'd agree - somebody feeling that they need permission from a partner to go for a pint with a friend the following weekend or whatever must be grating for them.

Everybody will have their own idea of what is a reasonable thing to be able to ask their partner to do for them. Some people will think a particular request might be a big deal, but others might see it as a minor thing.

But this isn't some minor thing for anybody really- he would be leaving for a week and all of the parenting would be left to you. He should surely recognise that it is a serious imposition and that it's something that shouldn't be sprung on you at short notice, without any mitigating factors like an illness.

It's baffling that he doesn't.

Hi OP

I'm married without kids, have more work holidays that my wife. Even without those factors complicating things as they do in your case, I'd never dream of dropping something like this casually on her at short notice as if it weren't something we should discuss.

Can I ask what his general attitude towards you going back to work..........And have you worked since the kids arrived? Might this be an underlying issue?

I don't want to assume anything, but that does suggest itself from your posts.

December2012

In a way, I can understand the frustration of having to seek permission to do something. In truth, that's exactly what he does have to do, but it's not because you're controlling him, it's because he has children and financial obligations and has to think about leaving holidays to be with them.

As a parent myself, I get that.

It doesn't mean he can get annoyed at you, and it doesn't justify the fact he doesn't see how it will affect you.

You probably feel unappreciated by him

And he possibly feels lonely.

It's not great for either of you

LegacyUser

As a parent I would be fuming. In my opinion short notice travel plans are only acceptable if there is a very sick relative. He can't just assume that he can do as he pleases and you'll take care of the home and the kids, that's disrespectful. I was treated the same way by my ex-husband, and I could write a book on how I was taken for granted in every possible way

tara73

I don't know, I'm going against the flow here, but somehow from reading your posts I get the feeling you are the controlling type, he knows it and sees no other option than just deciding some things on his own?

I mean, what would have been your answer if he asked you beforehand for 'permission'? And he mentioned it to you, it's not that he didn't mentioned it. what did you say when he did? I guess your reaction was in the negative part in first case otherwise it wouldn't have led to this issue now.

To clear the facts: Is he using up holidays so there's not enough left to go with you and the kids or are there enough left?

He works fulltime, do you know this could be very, very stressful? do you know what's going on in his work? He might not talk about it but maybe he's stressed about something and needs a break? maybe he just needs time for himself, for whatever reason, simple as? And I think it should be legitimate for a married man with kids too to go away by himself for a few days and not just for an evening with the lads for pints. It's actually very healthy for a marriage and for the kids to not stick togehter every day, to have some time apart.

Are you understanding of this? Just because you just need to go once a year to visit relatives abroad doesn't mean this is the same for him.

Again, something in your posts tell me he's fed up with something and I think he feels and actually is controlled by you. You mentioned it in your post before that he does and this is a reason he's acting as he acts, with this anger and making his decision against yours.

I think in this case it would be really good to hear both sides of the story.

LegacyUser

tara73 wrote: »

I think in this case it would be really good to hear both sides of the story.
I don't know, I'm going against the flow here, but somehow from reading your posts I get the feeling you are the controlling type, he knows it and sees no other option than just deciding some things on his own?

I mean, what would have been your answer if he asked you beforehand for 'permission'?

There absolutely are two sides to the story, or indeed three going by the 'mine, his and the truth' rule. This is one of the main reasons I posted here - to get multiple perspectives, so thank you for providing one.

I have put "permission" in inverted commas in my posts because that is my husband's phrasing, not mine. He doesn't have to ask my permission to go anywhere, he is a grown adult, and I've never denied him permission to go anywhere. And I'm not now, he has booked his flights as he originally planned. As I said earlier, he a history of springing these trips on me in the past with short notice. This has never affected his travel plans, he has always gone ahead with all of them. Also it's not as if I disagree with him going away, he has to work abroad on occasion and he has to and needs to see his family, I just want him to take practical factors into consideration.

tara73 wrote: »

And he mentioned it to you, it's not that he didn't mentioned it. what did you say when he did? I guess your reaction was in the negative part in first case otherwise it wouldn't have led to this issue now.

He didn't give me time to respond. I was in the middle of cooking with kids in the kitchen at the same time. He told me what he wanted to do, I looked and felt exasperated (I'm sure we all know what exasperated looks like). I literally didn't say a word. He left the kitchen and didn't talk to me until lunchtime the next day. Neither of us approached the other in the meantime as we both recognised we were angry, and we both felt any further discussion would be pointless until we had each calmed down.

tara73 wrote: »

He works fulltime, do you know this could be very, very stressful? do you know what's going on in his work? He might not talk about it but maybe he's stressed about something and needs a break? maybe he just needs time for himself, for whatever reason, simple as?

I have worked full-time with a child, with college on top of that, in a very stressful role and fully appreciate how difficult that balance can be. He works a 9-5 job, and would not describe it as stressful himself. That said, he has been unhappy at work lately - I think it has stagnated for him and he wants to achieve more. He is working on upskilling, which I fully support. So yes, this could definitely be adding to his stress at the moment - but if so I'd prefer that he acknowledges that rather than blame me as the source of it all.

tara73 wrote: »

And I think it should be legitimate for a married man with kids too to go away by himself for a few days and not just for an evening with the lads for pints. It's actually very healthy for a marriage and for the kids to not stick togehter every day, to have some time apart.

I fully agree with you here. I have a good circle of supportive friends, and I'm not sure my husband has the equivalent really. That's fine, to each their own and some people are not as sociable as others. That said, I think it would help him to have more social supports and activities outside of the home and I have no problem in him doing that. He does go out regularly with work (more often than I get out) and that's never been an issue.

tara73 wrote: »

Again, something in your posts tell me he's fed up with something and I think he feels and actually is controlled by you. You mentioned it in your post before that he does and this is a reason he's acting as he acts, with this anger and making his decision against yours.

I agree again with you here. Actually to say he is 'fed up' is probably an understatement, I think there is a huge discontentment underlying this for him. I wouldn't be writing this here if he would tell me directly what it was. I am very open to advice on how to approach this with him - if he does feel I'm controlling, how do I raise that constructively? He seems to be dealing in accusations right now and hasn't been open to discussing how either of us are actually feeling.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Hi OP

I'm married without kids, have more work holidays that my wife. Even without those factors complicating things as they do in your case, I'd never dream of dropping something like this casually on her at short notice as if it weren't something we should discuss.

Can I ask what his general attitude towards you going back to work..........And have you worked since the kids arrived? Might this be an underlying issue?

I don't want to assume anything, but that does suggest itself from your posts.

I worked full-time for the first four years, and have been at home for the past three years. I'll be going back part-time initially but hope to go full-time within the next couple of years. I think we're both strongly on board with me returning to work. Although it could well be a factor in the background that he could be worried about his flexibility for work and seeing his family. I thought the fact that I will be starting out part-time would give us all some time to adjust, and hopefully make it less of a shock to the system for him when I start back.

December2012 wrote: »

In a way, I can understand the frustration of having to seek permission to do something. In truth, that's exactly what he does have to do, but it's not because you're controlling him, it's because he has children and financial obligations and has to think about leaving holidays to be with them.

As a parent myself, I get that.

It doesn't mean he can get annoyed at you, and it doesn't justify the fact he doesn't see how it will affect you.

You probably feel unappreciated by him

And he possibly feels lonely.

It's not great for either of you

Thanks for this, December2012. It's clear and dispassionate, and it has helped me to de-personalise his reaction, which might be a good strategy for us both in moving forward :-)

LegacyUser

You have mentioned that your waiting to hear about a start date for a new job. Prehaps he felt this was the only chance he would get to go home for a while?
The reality is that your husband needs to realise that he is married and that you have 2 children. He needs to understand that if he goes off for a few days everything is left to you. Along with this he gets a certain number of days a year holiday from work so he needs to keeps days for a family holiday/family days out ect.

I would say this to him that from now on if he wants to go home he needs to chat to you about his. I would say that once you start your new job you not going to be in the same position in take eveything on when he is away. I would say to him in a new job you will have training at the start or may need to flexable about working late ect. If he is gone you don't have this flexablity.

I would ask him how is his job going at the moment? How is the upskilling going that he is doing and tell him please be honest with me as I can see your not happy.

It is horrible been in a job you don't like, where you working hard and it is being ignored or your dealing with the boss from hell as I have been their.
You can't tell your co workers or boss what you really think of them in this case so it is easy to lash out a family or friends outside work.

I think you both need to talk and be honest with each other now. When he comes back from his parents suggest to him that you go to some counselling as it will help you both. Life is not always easy nor is marriage and some times you need a bit of help to deal with the problems that can happen.

The Princess Bride

Maybe you need to sit down and tell him he needs to talk and that you're ready to listen no matter what it is he has to say.
Would it be fair to say he seems overwhelmed of late?

Problems don't go away just because we don't talk about them, They usually get worse.

Best of luck.

tara73

CommunicationProblems wrote: »

I agree again with you here. Actually to say he is 'fed up' is probably an understatement, I think there is a huge discontentment underlying this for him. I wouldn't be writing this here if he would tell me directly what it was. I am very open to advice on how to approach this with him - if he does feel I'm controlling, how do I raise that constructively? He seems to be dealing in accusations right now and hasn't been open to discussing how either of us are actually feeling.

I think you are on the right track with this.
I didn´t notice your username before, but it hits the nail on the head. There are underlying issues in your relationship and your communication is not working in a constructive way. You tried to talk to him, he probably thinks you just want to tell him what to do again.
He seems to be the type of man who can´t verbalise his concerns and issues he has with you which is very unconstructive and bad for a relationship.
I think you both should see a counsellor. A good one will put a mirror in front of you both so that you can see your flaws clearly from a neutral person and he should act as a mediator.
My guess is he wouldn´t be up for it but that´s another story then.

Emme

OP have you and the children met his parents?

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

OP have you and the children met his parents?

Yes, many times. And we Facetime regularly.

tara73 wrote: »

I think you both should see a counsellor. A good one will put a mirror in front of you both so that you can see your flaws clearly from a neutral person and he should act as a mediator.
My guess is he wouldn´t be up for it but that´s another story then.

I suggested counselling earlier in the week, and he was firmly against it. But now he says he'll consider it, providing I am back to work and that I pay for it. Whether he engages with it is another issue. He hated the counsellor the last time. Hopefully it's a positive step that he has agreed to think about it. My impression is he is still very much of the opinion that I am totally out of line here.

Spanish Eyes

A compromise is needed here I think. For everyone's sake.

Could the parents visit you here on a reciprocal basis? One visit by OH to them, one visit by you and your family to them, and one visit by parents to here for example.

Sounds a bit one sided to me. I wouldn't be happy either. TBH. Especially the short notice.

I hope there is nothing going on abroad, but I'd get my antenna sorted there too.

Curry Addict

maybe you might fall very sick the night before he is scheduled to fly away. considering the stress of the situation and everything falling on your shoulders. how can he treat you like this? the stress he is putting on you is not fair.
if he is not respecting you, you can reign him in. it might be underhand but but he is being obnoxious and why should you bare it? he is putting you in a resentful situation you can turn the tables and claim innocence.

Emme

Curry Addict wrote: »

maybe you might fall very sick the night before he is scheduled to fly away. considering the stress of the situation and everything falling on your shoulders. how can he treat you like this? the stress he is putting on you is not fair.
if he is not respecting you, you can reign him in. it might be underhand but but he is being obnoxious and why should you bare it? he is putting you in a resentful situation you can turn the tables and claim innocence.

Manipulation is not the answer. Whatever about the OP'S husband, it is very unhealthy for the children to see one of their parents resort to manipulation and "falling sick" to get their needs met.

bilbot79

Curry Addict wrote: »

maybe you might fall very sick the night before he is scheduled to fly away. considering the stress of the situation and everything falling on your shoulders. how can he treat you like this? the stress he is putting on you is not fair.
if he is not respecting you, you can reign him in. it might be underhand but but he is being obnoxious and why should you bare it? he is putting you in a resentful situation you can turn the tables and claim innocence.

Hmm. Calling in sick...hmmmm

The Princess Bride

CommunicationProblems wrote: »

I suggested counselling earlier in the week, and he was firmly against it. But now he says he'll consider it, providing I am back to work and that I pay for it. Whether he engages with it is another issue. He hated the counsellor the last time. Hopefully it's a positive step that he has agreed to think about it. My impression is he is still very much of the opinion that I am totally out of line here.

It can be trial and error finding a counsellor that works for you both.
It's okay to change counsellor if one of you dislikes who you have, or if you feel you're not making progress.
Having said that, a few sessions are usually needed before any progress can be made.

Is everything conditional with him, by the way?
Providing you're back at work?
Providing you pay for it?
How about doing it because you've reached stalemate and there really isn't another choice.

SusanC10

CommunicationProblems wrote: »

I suggested counselling earlier in the week, and he was firmly against it. But now he says he'll consider it, providing I am back to work and that I pay for it.

This worries me tbh. Does he consider the two of you a Team ? Do you ? As a Team decisions should be jointly made.

How do your finances work at the moment as you are a Stay-at-Home-Mum ? Surely it's all "family money" ?

I definitely think that there is something else going on here. Maybe with him himself, maybe in his home country, maybe he resents being the only one working, maybe he doesn't want you to go back to work ?? But to my mind this doesn't make sense otherwise.