Confused about where his head is at-is it too soon to ask him?

LegacyUser

Hi I will try to keep this brief. So I'm 28 and have been on four dates with a guy I met on tinder. We actually kissed years ago and due to me going travelling it went nowhere and thought no more about it.I went on tinder out of boredom one evening and he came out, got talking and arranged a date pretty soon after. Our first four dates were really good, constantly laughing and joking and had lots to talk about. There is definitely a physical attraction on both our parts so all good there.
I guess why I'm posting here is that I've been on a self-imposed break from dating that I'm not really sure where it goes from here. We were supposed to meet the weekend but he was sick and I don't doubt him there. When we were discussing what we were going to do he asked if I'd like to go out for dinner and drinks after which would mean staying in his place after. I will admit that I sort of panicked and said I had no problem going to where he lives to see him but maybe it was a bit soon to be staying over. My reason for saying this was not that I don't fancy him, I do (a lot) but because I am not prepared to have sex with someone when I don't know there intentions towards me i.e do they see this as maybe a relationship, are they seeing other people etc and I felt that after four dates it was probably too soon to ask this question.
Since then I have a feeling he has been a bit off with me. He had suggested all of our dates so far so when he was sick at the weekend I suggested doing something this week. He said that was grand and we would meet. I was unsure about this as I know he has a busy job but he said he would be free. He texted last night to ask about something I was doing yesterday and he never brought up meeting this week so I said let me know if he wanted to meet up. He said maybe Wednesday but he would need to see what he gets done in work. I said that was grand and to let me know today and said goodnight.

My question is do I bring up the question of where his head is at if we even meet up this week? I feel its probably too soon to be having the exclusivity chat but at the same time I want him to know I'm not opposed to sleeping together when the time is right. I guess I would just like to know is that is he with the idea of this maybe becoming a relationship if things are going as well as they are a few weeks down the line. Should I explain why I declined the offer to stay over? My gut is telling me that we might not even get to meet this week but if we do I would like to say something about it as don't want him to think I don't fancy him. What can I say and how do I word it without coming across as full on or needy?

pilly

Did he actually ask you to stay in his place or did you just presume this?

I don't know, it's hard to figure out from that situation what's going on in each others heads.

I'd try and go on another date and just say jokingly "did I freak you out by saying I wouldn't stay over in yours?, I just kind of panicked".

LegacyUser

OP here.
When he suggested we go for a few drinks, I said jokingly where would I stay? He wrote back that I'd obviously be staying over. Then as I was typing a message back he texted that I could come up with something else to do so. I then said that I had no problem with coming to see him where he lives, just that it was probably a bit soon to be staying over. I didn't hear back from him until the next evening, even though these messages were sent pretty late.

I guess what I feel I need to say is: the reason I didn't want to stay over was not because I don't fancy you, but because I don't know your intentions towards us and it's probably too soon to ask as we've only met four times.

My gut is telling me he will cancel on tomorrow, but I could be wrong. I'm just out of this dating a while as for the last year I never met anyone that I fancied and now I have, I was sort of excited about it but didn't want to get carried away either.

Tokyo

unsureofit wrote:

My reason for saying this was not that I don't fancy him, I do (a lot) but because I am not prepared to have sex with someone when I don't know there intentions towards me...

unsureofit wrote: »

My gut is telling me he will cancel on tomorrow, but I could be wrong.

If he does cancel on you tomorrow because you wouldn't stay over, doesn't that pretty much answer your question on what his intentions were? If it were me, I'd say nothing, and see how he means to continue. Hopefully another date will clear up the situation, one way or the other.

pilly

unsureofit wrote: »

OP here.
When he suggested we go for a few drinks, I said jokingly where would I stay? He wrote back that I'd obviously be staying over. Then as I was typing a message back he texted that I could come up with something else to do so. I then said that I had no problem with coming to see him where he lives, just that it was probably a bit soon to be staying over. I didn't hear back from him until the next evening, even though these messages were sent pretty late.

I guess what I feel I need to say is: the reason I didn't want to stay over was not because I don't fancy you, but because I don't know your intentions towards us and it's probably too soon to ask as we've only met four times.

My gut is telling me he will cancel on tomorrow, but I could be wrong. I'm just out of this dating a while as for the last year I never met anyone that I fancied and now I have, I was sort of excited about it but didn't want to get carried away either.

Okay, it does sound like it got awkward pretty quick alright. To be fair, you did ask where would you stay so he might have taken that as a hint.

I don't know about using the word "intentions" all the time OP, have to be honest, it's a bit cringey. Just sounds to me like something from the old days like Pride & Prejudice type old days.

It's really not the way things are nowadays that you have to commit to someone before you sleep with them.

I'm saying this as a middle aged woman by the way, I'm not a young one. :D

pilly

mike_ie wrote: »

If he does cancel on you tomorrow because you wouldn't stay over, doesn't that pretty much answer your question on what his intentions were? If it were me, I'd say nothing, and see how he means to continue.

I don't agree it answers the question to be honest. I think a lot of men panic when things get complicated and back off, that's not unusual. I don't think he's looking for a quick shag. Those type of men wouldn't last as long as 4 dates.

LegacyUser

Maybe "intentions" is a poor choice of word but I didn't know how else to describe it. My points are
1) I felt it was a bit soon for staying over when we haven't established yet if we are seeing other people or where we hope this might go. I know I haven't been on tinder since before our 2nd date and I haven't checked it since as I was hoping if we have that exclusivity conversation that I'd take his word for it if he was deleting tinder or whatever.
2) I fancy him physically and we get on very well together but at this point that's all I know. I wouldn't be asking him how he felt about us to expect him to ask me to be in a relationship as it would be too soon for me to go there anyway at this moment. It's moreso to get a sense that we are both on the same page with this.
3) I've been burned before where someone I thought really liked me had a girlfriend while we were dating and I found out in the company of people who knew us both and had to pretend like it didn't bother me. While this guy has no connection to friends of mine, I'd prefer to avoid a repeat of that situation where I develop feelings for someone and then find out they were on completely different wavelengths.

Hopefully I've made myself clear here as I don't know how clear my original post came across.

njs030

Op there's no need to make a big deal out of it but you can say you wouldn't like to sleep together unless you know neither of you are seeing other people.

I think 4 dates is far too soon to be asking about relationships- (do you even know yourself if you want a relationship with him?) but it's reasonable to make sure you're on the same page of exclusivity.

GuessWhoEh

unsureofit wrote: »

Hi I will try to keep this brief. So I'm 28 and have been on four dates with a guy I met on tinder. We actually kissed years ago and due to me going travelling it went nowhere and thought no more about it.I went on tinder out of boredom one evening and he came out, got talking and arranged a date pretty soon after. Our first four dates were really good, constantly laughing and joking and had lots to talk about. There is definitely a physical attraction on both our parts so all good there.
I guess why I'm posting here is that I've been on a self-imposed break from dating that I'm not really sure where it goes from here. We were supposed to meet the weekend but he was sick and I don't doubt him there. When we were discussing what we were going to do he asked if I'd like to go out for dinner and drinks after which would mean staying in his place after. I will admit that I sort of panicked and said I had no problem going to where he lives to see him but maybe it was a bit soon to be staying over. My reason for saying this was not that I don't fancy him, I do (a lot) but because I am not prepared to have sex with someone when I don't know there intentions towards me i.e do they see this as maybe a relationship, are they seeing other people etc and I felt that after four dates it was probably too soon to ask this question.
Since then I have a feeling he has been a bit off with me. He had suggested all of our dates so far so when he was sick at the weekend I suggested doing something this week. He said that was grand and we would meet. I was unsure about this as I know he has a busy job but he said he would be free. He texted last night to ask about something I was doing yesterday and he never brought up meeting this week so I said let me know if he wanted to meet up. He said maybe Wednesday but he would need to see what he gets done in work. I said that was grand and to let me know today and said goodnight.

My question is do I bring up the question of where his head is at if we even meet up this week? I feel its probably too soon to be having the exclusivity chat but at the same time I want him to know I'm not opposed to sleeping together when the time is right. I guess I would just like to know is that is he with the idea of this maybe becoming a relationship if things are going as well as they are a few weeks down the line. Should I explain why I declined the offer to stay over? My gut is telling me that we might not even get to meet this week but if we do I would like to say something about it as don't want him to think I don't fancy him. What can I say and how do I word it without coming across as full on or needy?

Could you just get a taxi home when you're ready to leave? That way you're still going up to his house and spending time but making it clear you're not ready to do anything else

dellas1979

How old is he, and is he looking for a relationship? (is he open to one?). Does he know youre open to a relationship?

leggo

Fair play for having your limits clearly set. I get what the above poster is saying about things not really being like that around sex these days, and they're right, but it's still your own choice to make. Because it's not like that anymore, you'll get people who see stuff like this as games (I'd probably take it that way personally - I'd expect sex before committing to someone so I know we're compatible that way) and bail, but if it's someone that's going to stay the course with you then someone will respect your limits and it'll work. So the old adage isn't completely useless either.

Personally, if I was you, I'd just say this stuff out straight. Just tell him where you're at. "I'm looking for something more substantial and I don't really sleep with someone before I know they're looking for the same." That's a totally fair thing to say, even now. You could say that on a first or second date, sure, it's good to know early where expectations are.

Rekop dog

Ask him by all means, but he could still tell you everything you want to hear, and then feck off after getting what he wants, not like stating his intentions is a binding contract. Your own judgement or intuition is better than any answer he may give you so trust that I'd say.

I'd imagine his silence was due to frustration and pride being a bit wounded, he's been on four good dates with you and probably assumed sex would be a natural progression soon, you sort of took that off the table, so he's probably half doubting himself, half wondering if you just don't have much of a drive.

BetsyEllen

mike_ie wrote: »

If he does cancel on you tomorrow because you wouldn't stay over, doesn't that pretty much answer your question on what his intentions were? If it were me, I'd say nothing, and see how he means to continue. Hopefully another date will clear up the situation, one way or the other.

I don't agree with this.
He may feel like he's been rejected and a bit embarrassed. Or think the OP is not into him as much as he is into her.

LegacyUser

So he texted last night to confirm date for tonight. I'm going to mention something about the staying over as I really don't want him to think I don't fancy him, I haven't fancied someone like this in I'd say 2 years.
How should I try get across the fact that I do fancy him, a lot and I am excited about having sex with him, just I'm not prepared to until I find out, at the least, that he is not seeing other people and we are on the same page about where we are going?
I'm not ready to get into a relationship with him just yet but I would hope that should we continue the way we are, that he wouldn't be opposed to the idea of a relationship in a month or two.
Is it ok to say that to him or how do I word it so I get my point across but that he is clear that I do fancy and am looking forward to having sex, whenever it happens?

BetsyEllen

unsureofit wrote: »

So he texted last night to confirm date for tonight. I'm going to mention something about the staying over as I really don't want him to think I don't fancy him, I haven't fancied someone like this in I'd say 2 years.
How should I try get across the fact that I do fancy him, a lot and I am excited about having sex with him, just I'm not prepared to until I find out, at the least, that he is not seeing other people and we are on the same page about where we are going?
I'm not ready to get into a relationship with him just yet but I would hope that should we continue the way we are, that he wouldn't be opposed to the idea of a relationship in a month or two.
Is it ok to say that to him or how do I word it so I get my point across but that he is clear that I do fancy and am looking forward to having sex, whenever it happens?

I think this is a bit heavy for just 4 (or 5) dates in.
I would just say that you don't want to sleep with him until you know him a bit better. That's enough.
Tell him you fancy him, tell him you haven't felt this way in a long time etc - but you are just not ready to take things further yet.

Then go on a few more dates and you can bring up the whole 'where is this going' chat at a later date. But not yet, it is too early.

johnnyskeleton

unsureofit wrote: »

So he texted last night to confirm date for tonight. I'm going to mention something about the staying over as I really don't want him to think I don't fancy him, I haven't fancied someone like this in I'd say 2 years.
How should I try get across the fact that I do fancy him, a lot and I am excited about having sex with him, just I'm not prepared to until I find out, at the least, that he is not seeing other people and we are on the same page about where we are going?
I'm not ready to get into a relationship with him just yet but I would hope that should we continue the way we are, that he wouldn't be opposed to the idea of a relationship in a month or two.
Is it ok to say that to him or how do I word it so I get my point across but that he is clear that I do fancy and am looking forward to having sex, whenever it happens?

Be careful that you dont give him the impression that you are withholding sex as a bargaining chip to secure commitment from him. Im not saying thats what youre doing, nor am I saying thats necessarily wrong, but if thats the impression he gets he will feel like you are manipulating him, which isnt very attractive.

Likewise, its important to get your own head clear. If you dont feel comfortable having sex with him thats perfectly normal. It sounds a little bit from your post that this isnt the case and youre concerned that if you sleep with him and then you break up that this reflects badly on you, that there would be shame on you or that you will have been duped. But none of that is true. If you do feel that way, its a misconception on your part.

Life is risk and youll have to take chances from time to time. When it comes to relationships, if you dont want to risk getting your heart broken the only solution is to just stay at home in the first place. Again, dont do anything youre not confortable with, but it you want to have sex with him but are concerned with how it will look Id say go with your gut!

If your gut says wait a bit longer, why dont you tell him that you dont want to rush it. Most people will understand what this means. But asking outright for a committment would, for me anyway, set off major alarm bells.

Tokyo

I'm glad to hear that he kept his date with you tonight OP - to me at least, it's a good sign that he's interested in you.

unsureofit wrote: »

Is it ok to say that to him or how do I word it so I get my point across but that he is clear that I do fancy and am looking forward to having sex, whenever it happens?

I'm a big believer in saying these things straight. You don't have to gush forth with your feelings, but you can simply tell him what you said just here, that you like him and enjoy spending time with him a lot, and because of that you don't want to rush into things too quickly.

You don't have to push it any further than that - as a poster previously mentioned, mentioning a relationship, timelines of when you would possibly stay over in the future etc, he may feel under pressure, or set alarm bells ringing.

Katgurl

Personally I think you are way over-complicating this.

I would not ask him for anything at all and that includes; commitment, intentions, explanations, promises.

But I would make no apology for my own boundaries and standards.

It's your body and your decision. What the world's attitude to sex or appropriate waiting times is irrelevant imo.

Personally I would just say "listen I am very tempted to stay over as I really fancy you but it's a little fast for me." That will probably open a conversation and you can state that you generally don't engage in totally casual sex and like to get to know someone better first.

Then you're not asking him for anything but you've set your boundaries.

GuessWhoEh

Personally I wouldn't mention anything at all and let the relationship take its course. When it feels ready, you'll know. I think you might be jumping to conclusions a little bit. So far you're going on the date. Enjoy it. Enjoy each other's company. If you go back, have a few drinks and a chat. See how it goes and get a taxi home. That way you won't have to feel pressured