Fed up of dating

LegacyUser

Iv'e been single for 3 years and have completely lost my faith in dating and relationships.
My last relationship was a total disaster, my ex cheated on me constantly and bragged about it to all his friends who the majority of cheated on their partners too, it was like a game to them, they'd try to one up each other and see who could get the most women.
I left the relationship believing that i'd find someone better or at the very least enjoy getting back out there and start dating new men and meeting new people but the more men ive dated the more ive been left disillusioned and totally discouraged from meeting anyone.
Initially when I split from my ex I met someone who I thought was a lovely guy, he was totally opposite to my ex, had a really professional job and just seemed very together. Within a few weeks he turned into an absolute psycho, became really demanding, possessive and jealous so I gave it space, we had mutual friends so it was difficult to not see him but one night he followed me home from a pub without me knowing he was walking behind me the entire way to my house so I stopped all communication with him.

The next guy I dated I had known as an acquaintance for awhile and thought he seemed very down to earth, he asked could he take me to a show in Dublin so I agreed and he picked me up in his car, I gave him petrol money as he was going out of his way to collect me, after the show he was driving me home, asked if I wanted to go for a spin so we did, he parked down some country lane way and assumed we were going to have sex, he was genuinely angry with me for not having sex with him, dropped me home and I never heard from him again.
The third guy was begging me for a date for months, met him for a drink and he spent the entire night bitching about his friends, workmates, flatmates, his brother, people he went to school with 15 years ago.. I couldnt get a word in and when I did speak he'd roll his eyes and make it clear he wasnt interested.
Fourth guy was an absolute loon, seemed very funny, sweet and mature in the beginning as time went on his true colours came out and he was clearly still very hung up over his ex, she was brought up at every date we had, one night he got so angry he started banging his fist on the table while talking about her. He also complained about everything and held grudges against anyone who he felt had wronged him. When I ended our interactions he got pretty nasty about it.
Every other guy ive met has just been looking for sex and theyve all got crazy high standards too like they genuinely expect you to look like an instagram model, be really intelligent, witty, funny and be at their beck and call. Im so fed up.
Now im not saying I want marriage or long term or to even fall in love, id just like to have a connection with a normal person. Is it just me that attracts crazy people or do others experience this too? I remember dating years ago in my teens and early 20's and it was so much fun, guys were so genuine back then. I even tried online dating but it's the same craic, total nutcases or guys just looking for a quick f**k.

LegacyUser

you're burnt out. And after reading that, who could blame you. take time out, forget about men and dating for a while, focus on stuff you like and enjoy.,keep socialising, keep mingling, keep talking. your radar and antennae for these losers will be unreal - you won't waste much time on them again.

leggo

Okay, for a start, your head is clearly not in the game after a few bad experiences, and that's okay. It seems like you went back into single life shortly after a bad ending to a relationship and that's often not the best frame of mind to do so. Why not take some time without dating so you can figure out who you are now as a person - without your ex or any other men involved - then when you've got a full, happy, independent life with a positive mindset towards dating and start to feel like there's a gap in your life that could be filled by a partner, and only then, get back in the game?

Secondly, think about what you're looking for here. I mean, it's fair enough that you're not looking to settle down right away, but when you go out looking for a connection...you're not looking for a relationship that's ultimately going to fail either, are you? A happy relationship is pretty great, and thus like anything good, it takes work. Single life IS a slog. But it can also be fun when you're in the right mindset and ready for the adventures, the ups and downs and funny stories that go along with it.

Right now you're not and that's totally understandable. So take some time for just you, get your head back to where it should be (that could be months/years), then get back out there only when you're completely ready. I promise you'll find it a lot more fulfilling.

BoredFan

If it's any consolation (which it probably won't be) a lot of women are as bad in treating dating as a game. Treating men like trash and laughing about it with their friends. You seem to be particularly unlucky however. It depends how you look at it. You seem to cut short these relations with guys when you see their red flags. Which is very healthy in my opinion. I would give 3 years of being single anyday in echange for a relationship with an as5clown. They can seriously damage your head.

LegacyUser

egffvb wrote: »

you're burnt out. And after reading that, who could blame you. take time out, forget about men and dating for a while, focus on stuff you like and enjoy.,keep socialising, keep mingling, keep talking. your radar and antennae for these losers will be unreal - you won't waste much time on them again.

Yeah I have forgotten about men for awhile and I walk away at the first bad vibe I get. I havnt dated anyone at all now for almost a year, I even stopped drinking and going to pubs and clubs, I dont really socialise much anymore. I just seem always seem to attract the worst people and I dont know why that is.

Tokyo

Fedupofdating wrote: »

Yeah I have forgotten about men for awhile and I walk away at the first bad vibe I get. I havnt dated anyone at all now for almost a year, I even stopped drinking and going to pubs and clubs, I dont really socialise much anymore. I just seem always seem to attract the worst people and I dont know why that is.

I'd recommend against this actually. If you don't socialise, you won't meet anybody, and it's all to easy to wallow and turn your feelings into a self fulfilling prophecy.

You should definitely socialise, just not with the specific intent of meeting a guy. Join groups or activities you are interested in, with the intent of enjoying yourself and making new friends. Guys will come with time, and finding a new interest is a great way to meet guys who share the same interests as you.

Big Bag of Chips

Have to agree. Don't "date" but do join up to something where you have the chance to meet new people, and maybe from there something will develop. It's a lottery going out with someone you've never actually met before. As you've been finding out, you end up on very strange nights. Join something, anything, a running club, a cycling club, a drama group, a walking group, volunteer as a scout leader, or at the local kids sports club etc. There are any amount of places you can join up just to get out and meet people, and places that are always looking for new members and helping hands. From there you might find you click with someone, or you simply might just earn a new social circle which in itself will open up new friendships and opportunities.

silverharp

Fedupofdating wrote: »

Now im not saying I want marriage or long term or to even fall in love, id just like to have a connection with a normal person. Is it just me that attracts crazy people or do others experience this too? I remember dating years ago in my teens and early 20's and it was so much fun, guys were so genuine back then. I even tried online dating but it's the same craic, total nutcases or guys just looking for a quick f**k.

dating in your 30's is going to be more difficult because most men that want proper relationships are married or on their way to being by now so you are going to be left with more players etc.
Best thing to do is find some activities that you might like to do that have a social element and at least you will enjoy yourself

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the advice,

@ Leggo - No I dont want a relationship to fail but I dont approach people with a 10 year plan mapped out in my head either, the problem is everyone I meet turns out to be a total dick or an absolute nutcase then when I cut contact im the bad one and get accused of 'leading them on'. Its draining.

@Boredfan - No that's not any consolation. Im trying to share my personal experiences for advice, not start a gender war. Thanks for your input.

To the others, ive tried joining groups and classes to widen my circle and hobbies and when I go out its never with the intention of meeting a man, ive met new people, some of them men but when im friendly towards them in a platonic way, like I am to anybody I meet it's often happened that they misinterpret my friendliness for flirting, im never touchy or overly emotional or affectionate.. im very introverted and reserved but when I turn down their advances they've often become quite nasty, I get accused of leading them on or sometimes they wont take no for an answer. Two guys on separate occasions a friend and an acquaintance fabricated lies that I was either sleeping with them or we were seeing each other as a couple. Most interactions I have with men, either platonic or otherwise seem to end up in some kind of messy drama and I don't know what im doing to cause it? Or am I just unlucky with the people I meet?

LegacyUser

silverharp wrote: »

dating in your 30's is going to be more difficult because most men that want proper relationships are married or on their way to being by now so you are going to be left with more players etc.
Best thing to do is find some activities that you might like to do that have a social element and at least you will enjoy yourself

This is very true, its much harder the older you get. That being said I know plenty of couples whose partners are playing around so its not strictly true that all the 'good guys' are in relationships. I really feel like peoples ideas about relationships have changed over the years. No one stays faithful anymore.

leggo

Yeah you definitely sound just fatigued by the whole process. Continuing to try, or even think about, dating isn't going to help you because all you're going to look for is things that back up your current worldview: that the only men who go for you are crazy or arseholes and that everyone is cheating and dating is broken. You don't find someone with that mindset...and, even if you do, you usually find a bad egg or will end up sabotaging it yourself because you're waiting for the bomb to drop.

Just actively plug yourself out of the whole process altogether for a while and focus on you. You need to feel better about yourself and the world to attract someone who's going to make your life better in the way you want.

Rekop dog

Fedupofdating wrote: »

This is very true, its much harder the older you get. That being said I know plenty of couples whose partners are playing around so its not strictly true that all the 'good guys' are in relationships. I really feel like peoples ideas about relationships have changed over the years. No one stays faithful anymore.

Well that's not true. I've lots of friends who'd never dream of cheating on their partners, it would be the minority cases where there'd be unfaithfulness, and those relationships were never right and more so certain circumstances or fear of being single are keeping them together.

You're a classic case of a modern day jaded and cynical late 20's early 30's woman, there should be a condition named after this, because everyone displays more or less the same symptoms, and you know what it's horribly unattractive to be around. You may not want to hear that but it's true. If I was single I'd run a mile, and dated plenty of similar women, who I'm sure wrote me off a **** for not sticking around which no doubt solidified their self fulfilling prophecy's.

You don't seem happy within yourself or being single and until you are you probably won't attract the type of people that you want to attract, i.e normal, happy people who enjoy life. If you learn to shake of the emotional shackles and baggage you carry around and just focus on simply having fun and maybe saying yes a bit more often. You'll still get unwanted attention, most woman do but don't dwell on it, or think there's something unique about you that attracts them, basically get over yourself and lose the woe is me attitude.