how to handle ex

LegacyUser

Good morning,

I'm not seeking legal advice, I would just appreciate some opinions on what is happening and if you have some personal experience it would be very welcome.

I'm divorced from my ex husband. We have court ordered access and maintenance in place, which seems simple enough, but it isn't. My ex husband is an alcoholic who drinks rings around himself for months. He then might have a dry out few weeks, and all seems to go better. Once he's back on the drink again, it throws the access into disarray, but if I don't bow to his requests I'm called every vile name under the sun. I'm also told he will stop his children's money.

I have moved to another county in the last couple of months, which has made access arrangements hard for me, but I carried on dropping the children to him and picked up at the front door. I have always done the picking up and dropping off, because he had several safety orders against him in the years gone by, none of which are still valid now, he wasn't allowed near our home. I was not legally obligated to do the pick ups and drop offs. I've tried my utmost to keep the peace and honoured any extra requests for days (and nights) outside the court arrangements that he would like our children over. I figured him having them as much as possible would keep him from bar stools and help him refocus on what is important.

I am currently pregnant, and I'm also taking care of my terminally ill Father in my home. The pregnancy has brought about health problems for me too, which is making life very hard indeed.

My ex husband asked if he could have the children for this mid term break. I told him it was no problem and made the nearly 200k round trip to do this last Saturday. He is supposed to have them until this Sunday, but decided to quit parenting to go drinking a couple of days later, demanding I come back and take the children (at night). As I'd already taken my Father to hospital in Dublin and back that day, I was too exhausted, and made an arrangement with my brother to hold onto the children until I got to Dublin first light the next day. My ex wants me to bring them back to him today for pickup this Sunday.

Having had enough of being messed around and the expense of petrol, I have told him they are available to be collected by him at any time. I really don't think I'm being unfair, I don't know how much more I can put up with.

When I sent this message he went nuts (was very drunk). Demanding I bring them to him, several times. I was then called a fatso, a tramp, he hopes my baby dies .. and he said I killed a baby I miscarried years and years ago during our relationship. Anything he could throw at me he did. All this amongst a tirade of other abuse. This type of abuse isn't consistent, but I have seen so much of it over the years.i don't think I should have to take this, and it's very upsetting. I feel like even though I divorced him he will always be my tormentor because the children still keep us in contact. I put up with many years of physical and mental abuse when with him, and unfairly I still have to endure it.

How on earth do I cope with this? I'm afraid reporting it in his local Garda station will fall on deaf ears (again). I don't want to do it in my local Garda station, as he will know what town I'm living in. I've avoided this because he has broken safety orders in the past and smashed up my property when he did know the address. I'm at a total loss here.

Any thoughts very welcome

The Princess Bride

Is it even safe for the children to be around him?
Have you doubt as to whether he's fit to care for them?
How old are the children?

The only sensible advice I can give is you need to contact your solicitor and perhaps you need to go back to the drawing board re: access and communication.

I personally would not entertain anyone communicating with me like that.

Look after yourself.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Mr. Incognito

Save the Text Messages

Go see a solicitor pronto

LegacyUser

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Is it even safe for the children to be around him?
Have you doubt as to whether he's fit to care for them?
How old are the children?

The only sensible advice I can give is you need to contact your solicitor and perhaps you need to go back to the drawing board re: access and communication.

I personally would not entertain anyone communicating with me like that.

Look after yourself.

Thank you for replying PB. My honest answer is no, he is not fit for parenting. I've been down the road of a section 20 before, which is supposed to be a thorough investigation. My ex has a very rollercoaster like history with alcohol, including a stay in rehab. He didn't go there of his own accord, he broke a safety order and his solicitor told him to go there to avoid imprisonment.

His medical records would have been investigated, showing he had been treated for alcoholism and its effects on his health.

He managed to lie his way through their questions claiming he was getting treatment etc etc, and the report was closed. The recommendation was that he continue treatment and nothing was advised regarding the children. Ideally speaking what I hoped would come out of that was supervised visitation, so that he would be sober and hangover free. Nothing was done in this regard, and I truly feel my children have fallen through the cracks here. He is very violent and abusive when drunk, and while most of that is aimed at me, he has taken it out on the children before.

If not supervised access I just wish I could legally force him to attend drink rehabilitation and counselling for his anger management. I'm at the end of my tether, because he knows he's evaded my efforts before.

Fakediamond

I would also record the phone conversations, record yourself telling him that you are taping the conversation, so you can't be accused of Doing so covertly. I would also report him to Tusla, the children are not safe around him, especially when he is drinking. It may result in him getting supervised access only.

What he is doing is continuing to control and abuse you, using the children as weapons.

I would also stick rigidly to the existing Court order, and if he cuts off the financial support, it's back to Court.

I know it's exhausting going in and out of Court, but it sounds pretty exhausting at the moment too, and very unhealthy for the children.

Merkin

You poor thing. Stress like this must be avoided at all costs. Keep a contemporaneous record of everything and get in touch with your solicitor immediately. No judge will allow access if the kids are deemed to be in danger.

Please get on to your solicitor asap.

Big Bag of Chips

One easy (relatively easy) thing to do is go to court to vary the access. No judge in the country will rule that you do all drop offs and collections. You can ask for it to be varied that he collects them from you, or a midway point, and then you collect them from him or a midway point. It'll stop all this demanding to have them and then demanding you bring them home to bring them back again another day. If he wants to see them, he comes for them. If you want them home, you go for them!

And absolutely agree 100% with Mr. Incognito... Save all texts and contact a solicitor.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies. I am going to get in touch with a solicitor. Since the house move I have to find out who is good in the area, as I don't want to have to keep travelling to Dublin for appointments.

Fake Diamond, you are spot on. This is exactly how it feels, like he is using the children as weapons as he has no other form of control over me. He also knows I would die for them, and how strong our bond is. Although I mentioned it to social services during their section 20 report, nothing was done about this- one time I received a call from my eldest while they were being terrorised by him when he was drunk. I could hear my youngest screaming crying. I knew if I went to the house to get them he would kill me, so I sent the Gardai to his house. To stop him from further scaring them I told him they were coming. That was a mistake. It gave him time to tell them when the Gardai asked to say nothing was the matter.

I can't seem to win here. By the way, to the poster who mentioned recording calls, I already tried that. My solicitor at the time wouldn't admit it as evidence saying the judges rarely accept these as often one or the other is being goaded. There was nothing of the sort, I was speaking calmly to him while he abused me from a height.

He back texting again today, and I know by the messages he drunk again. Although I said to him to collect them himself, I don't want him to take them anymore. He will attack me firstly and he's not fit to take them. He will torment them.

I do truly believe he is controlling me with fear.

LushiousLips

I've no extra advice than what already has been said but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you being treated like this. Look after yourself and your unborn baby xx

D0NNELLY

If your brother is local to your ex husband, can he be a go between for access and communication?

Edit; scratch that, just saw your update saying he was abusive to the kids. Solicitor/Court/supervised visits.

Fakediamond

The only other suggestion I can offer is to contact Women's Aid to seen if they can help. Also, could your solicitor ask the Court to get a Guardian Ad Litem appointed, to represent the children's interests in family law proceedings? If there is a Barnardo's in your area, you could ask them for advice about that.

It's very difficult when one partner can present themselves to the Court as being reasonable, when they're clearly not in private. It's very manipulate and difficult to combat, even when it appears clear cut, as in your case. Judges are trying to decide if one partner is just wilfully denying access to the other out of spite, rather than out of concern for the welfare of the children. Defying a Court order, no matter how tempting, will make everything worse as it just gives him ammunition against you the next time you're in Court. Having said that, giving into his unreasonable demands is also unacceptable, as it just makes him worse, as he sees that as "winning", every time. It's like a game to him, he knows it's distressing to you so he'll keep it up, regardless of the impact on the children.

Also, read up on the dynamics of controlling behaviour and personality disorders. You might be able to learn some strategies in how to respond to him, as appeasing him, trying to work with him, or appealing to his better nature won't work, so you need to find another way to engage with him that doesn't feed into his need to control you.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for taking the time to reply all. I'm going to make an appointment with a solicitor Monday morning. I have never heard of a Guardian Ad Litem , it's something I will ask about, thank you Fake Diamond.

I have continued not to answer his abusive messages, and I'm quite sure that is driving him mad. As I said, he hates not having control. Getting me riled up is his reason for breathing.

Well he's had enough time to consult Google or talk s.hit about me to someone, because he's now claiming I never told him I've moved county and he will see me in court.

This is a blatant lie. For months on end last year I told him which counties myself and my OH were looking at because buying in Dublin was not an option financially. I also told him when the sale had gone through, and which county when it happened. His latest attempt at getting control appears to have the capacity to get me into lot of trouble. In his message he mentioned court, so I looked it up to see what could possibly come from that. According to some reports on the news, some women have had children removed from their care because their ex spouses said they moved county without their knowledge and given to their father.

This BS is a dangerous lie, Im so frightened. I'm not sure what I can do. I'm thinking of asking the solicitor if it is enough for me to sign an affidavit to say what I had told him. Im so sick and tired of people not seeing the true nasty person he really is. I'm so very stressed about this, it just keeps getting worse

Big Bag of Chips

You moving county has had no real affect on him because you still accommodated all access by bringing the children to him. So it's not like you moved and then refused him access to the children. Stop reading stories on the internet! You'll drive yourself mad and you know zero details about those cases. There most probably would be a lot more to it than the mother moved and as a result the children were taken off her. So relax.

Edit: and anyway, he doesn't want full custody. He couldn't keep them a week without wanting you to take them back home so he could go out.

Ursus Horribilis

I hope you're keeping every single one of those abusive messages. The depressing thing about this story is that your children's voices seem to have been lost along the way. What do they think about being brought to see their father? Do they look forward to seeing him or do they feel it's something they have to do? I wonder has your terror of this man and the fear of losing your children caused you to take your eye off the ball a little bit? I mean that in the nicest possible way, by the way. Anyone reading this thread can see how this man has ground you down and is bullying you.

You said you're pregnant. Do you have a partner and if so, is he providing you with any support? He seems strangely absent in all of this.

Oh and I agree about the google aspect. No judge in his/her right mind would even think about giving this man custody. You've gone over and above the call of duty to bring your children to see their father. If you have held onto those texts (please say you have), then it's going to show him up in a very different light. And also, does anybody ever actually talk to the children in these sorts of cases?

Fakediamond

I think Tusla would intervene if the Court tried to remove children from a safe home and place them with an abusive alcoholic, think about it, it's highly unlikely. He's getting inside your head, which is exactly what he wants to do, and you know it. You said it yourself, he knows it hurts and worries you deeply when he threatens to take the children. As BBOC says, he doesn't actually want the children with him, he can't handle them for more than a couple of days.

Don't rush into anything, ask around for a good, family law solicitor, who has experience with DV and child custody cases, not everyone understands the dynamics. Another tactic of his could be to break you financially, having to go in and out of Court. In the meantime, stick to the Court order and don't engage with him outside that. Save all messages.

It goes without saying that you shouldn't go to his house alone, and have someone with you for handovers, if you can.

I don't know how old your children are now, but I'd say in a few short years they might not want to go, and no Court in the land can make them, if that happens. In the meantime, don't bad mouth about him to them (I'm sure you don't anyway). You could speak to a counsellor to help you to deal with your distress and to get some pointers in how to help them to feel secure while all this is going on.

Stay well, and keep posting, if it helps. You're not alone, lots of people have to deal with these toxic ex-partners.

LegacyUser

BBOC - thank you for your post, it's been reassuring. I would be inclined to agree that it wouldn't be likely he would get custody of our children. But I must stress that dispute knowing about my exes alcoholism and anger problems the court still saw fit after a section 20 report to allow over night visits. My ex gets a goo on him for drink and leaves them at home with his father who suffers from dementia) to go out. In the past he's come home in the early hours waking the children up to question them about me, and to slate me from a height to them.

@ Jesus - The children aren't quite as young as you think, we are talking tweenie ages. They know what their father is, and have often been very angry and upset by his broken promises and letting them down in general. However, he does give them things that a) I can't afford or b) approve of, so there is a pull to return. He effectively 'buys' their attention. He also allows my eldest to take trains and buses wherever he likes, which I dont think should be done unsupervised. Last year he allowed him to take a train to Dublin city, and he was unable to get home until after 12am because it was a bank holiday and it was running Sunday service. He was alone and there is all sorts going around town at that time. I'm worried sick now every time they are with him.

Jesus, you said I may have my eye off the ball a bit. I won't be offended, but how do you mean?

@ Fake Diamond- Im actually afraid of him, and bringing someone with me won't save me.or them from that matter. If I got someone else to do the drop, then maybe the kids would be the next target. Whatever way he can hurt me, or damage my character to them is his way.

It does feel better talking here, thank you. I'm getting good tips and advice.