Is my boyfriend gay..Head melted

Windywing

Been seeing my boyfriend a few months we click so well and are very very close, we have a great understanding and passion for each other. Basically he is the man I've looked for for a very long time and he says the same about me.

I've attempted to break up with him a few times because my head is telling me that he is a closet gay.
The alarm keeps ringing and I'll give a few indications of my concerns.
He has a few gay friends and one which he calls honey, he openly admits he does it because it's a joke of some sort.
He's had threesomes with a girl and another guy.
He is always talking about gay people and how wrong transgenders are.
And the biggest give away is that our sex life is non existent...we have had sex properly twice since we got together. There's always something that gets in the way and it's taken its toll on me and it's causing arguments where I nearly dread going to bed with him because I know I'm going to be let down over something. Last night it was so obvious he does this thing where he panics and he said oh my head is pounding, your not going to sleep so will I get you the laptop to browse... he knew full well I wanted sex.

I think I can safely say I'm going to find a way to break up with him over this

MactheKnife90

<SNIP>

Maybe has confidence issues in the bedroom? I know all the other behaviour points to one thing but he could also just be very nervous. Have you talked to him about past relationships where he has been sexually active? Or are you the first aside from 1 night stands

sozbox

MactheKnife90 wrote: »

Maybe has confidence issues in the bedroom? I know all the other behaviour points to one thing but he could also just be very nervous. Have you talked to him about past relationships where he has been sexually active? Or are you the first aside from 1 night stands

He had a threesome in the past but has suddenly developed confidence issues? I don't buy it.

He doesn't want sex because he doesn't find you attractive, you need to get to the root of that, it could be because you're female.
I'm sorry that's blunt. You sound like a decent person and shouldn't waste time with messing like this.

MactheKnife90

sozbox wrote: »

He had a threesome in the past but has suddenly developed confidence issues? I don't buy it.

He doesn't want sex because he doesn't find you attractive, you need to get to the root of that, it could be because you're female.
I'm sorry that's blunt. You sound like a decent person and shouldn't waste time with messing like this.

Or is the threesome a lie? To act like hes been there and done that.

Permabear

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Brian?

<SNIP>

Have you asked him if he thinks he may be gay and is it the reason he doesn't seem interested in sex?

Being open and honest is always the best way. Maybe he's gay, but it doesn't sound like he's in an environment where he'd need to hide it. Maybe he has confidence issues in the bedroom. Maybe he has an extremely low libido. Maybe he's addicted to porn and spends most of his day masturbating.

Until you ask him in a safe way, you'll never know unfortunately. Good luck, hope it works out for you!

Windywing

I've just opened up to him he blamed it on me saying I wasn't giving signs I wanted sex. This is the third excuse now he is given me first was that he was under stress. The second was that he might have an std. The third that he had a cold and I wasn't being subjective. It's just too much to bear, I don't know if I should hold off for another bit but I feel having that talk it's just over for me but he keeps coming back with stuff to persuade me. My head is completely melted

Uhm.

Can we return to the possibility of having an STD? This calls up many questions, which I do hope you examined it with him. Did he get results back? Did he actually go for a test? Do you use condoms? -- god, I hope you use condoms.

He might not be gay. Possibly bisexual. But it does seem like he suffers from a lot of anxieties regarding sex. These things can really build up.

Mr. Incognito

This is not going to get any better.

You need to end it and find someone who is sexually compatible.

LegacyUser

Windywing wrote: »

I think I can safely say I'm going to find a way to break up with him over this

So break up with him. What does it matter if the lack of sex is due to him maybe being closeted or not? Your only together a short while and you've no sex life and he's not making any effort to change it just finding excuses so dump him and move on.

Bambi985

agree with above, it's not going to suddenly rectify itself if you've already started off on a foot where you're not having sex at all. and it's going to have a major impact on your own self-confidence down the line. break up with him.

tara73

Windywing wrote: »

I've just opened up to him he blamed it on me saying I wasn't giving signs I wanted sex. This is the third excuse now he is given me first was that he was under stress. The second was that he might have an std. The third that he had a cold and I wasn't being subjective. It's just too much to bear, I don't know if I should hold off for another bit but I feel having that talk it's just over for me but he keeps coming back with stuff to persuade me. My head is completely melted

I think you should break up with him. how you describe it here I don't think he will change his mind about sex with you, finding all this excuses and actually manipulating you.
I think there's a very high possibility giving your descriptions he's gay and hiding in the closet for whatever reason (there could be so many).

I'm all for directness and openness but I'm not sure if asking him the direct question whether he's gay is a good idea. I mean, if he is, he obviously has a big problem with it, and probably a long way to go to admit to it, so I think he will call you crazy or something if you ask him this question.

I think you should tell him you can't accept the nonexistent sex life anymore, explain you need sex and you feel unloved, rejected and it's getting to your self esteem. If he's such a nice guy he will understand it and let you go and not trying to persuade you to stay and then coming up with more or less silly excuses again.

Permabear

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Pyr0

Did you ask about the STD comment? That's a really worrying thing for someone to say as a reason for not having sex with you.

You have reason enough to dump him, it's clear you're not happy.

the_pen_turner

Been dating a few months
Op has tried to break up a few times.
Maybe he is afraid of being dumped or strung along or getting his heart broken

Rekop dog

It's concerning that you seem so apathetic about the STD comment. Amazing how being rejected can blind someone from a serious health risk. For me it's the most plausible of his reasons, he could be feel guilty about potentially passing it on. The fact he's admitted to being with a guy in the past would also add to the concern of what it is.

Permabear

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freshpopcorn

Stop flapping about and break up with him if you don't want to be with him. There's certain women/men out their and they can be happy to end up in a relationship and marrying a gay person if their happy with them. Your not so break up with him even if he's not gay.

GingerLily

She should break up with him and just get tested anyway, shouting at someone won't actually tell you if you have HIV but a test will.

tara73

After a bit more thinking, I would also be very concerned about his mentioning he might have an STD. That's quite shocking and in this case I would have a few very direct questions to him:

-did he sleep with other people recently/while you were togehter? this in itself is enough reason to break up with him.

-if his STD worries derive from his time before he met you, still nightmarish:why does he think he might have an STD? did he do an STD test or not? and most importantly, did he use a condom when sleeping with you?

many questions I would demand definite answers to, and I would go straight to make the tests for STD's incl. HIV.
This is horrible, leave this guy!!

Walter H Price

Sex only twice in a few months , dump him quick OP whatever the reason that is not healthy for any relationship but a particularly bad sign early on should still be in the lust phase and at it like rabbits.

To be honest excuses and no sex for two weeks id of been out the door.

Katgurl

You're going out with my ex-boyfriend. Please break up with him before you are any more invested.

I wish I could have the time back which I spent melting my own brain.

Just like your bloke there was always an excuse. He was utterly mad about me apparently. He did seem to be too.

But he had no interest in a frank conversation of trying to resolve the situation. He would tell me very patronisingly that I mustn't worry; he found me very attractive. When I responded that wasn't my only concern; I actually considered intimacy an important part of a relationship (and needed to know if he was proposing a relationship without it) he'd roll his eyes and say I was obsessed with sex. Then he'd change the subject.

After we finished I asked him to tell me the truth; is he gay? He looked sad and said maybe. A few months later I bumped into him... With his new girlfriend (who looked not unlike me).

I am so so glad he's my past OP and not my present. If he won't even acknowledge they there's a problem I'm not sure that you have any chance of satisfaction.

Taltos

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JustAThought

Yes - sounds absolutely like he is! He just may not know it, or be afraid to admit it to himself, or may want to be bi or atraight but not able to be!! What many calls his male friends honey? Was this the man he had his 3 way sex with??
You should be friends but not pretend anymore to be lovers. There is no such thing as a sex-free 'only a few months old' crazy about you relationship - unless you are a mormon or quaker!!

tBH it sounds like he is either deep in denial or not well adjusted & either subliminally or intentionally using you as his beard. I hope you havn't moved in together? Untangle yourself from this mess - if you can remain good friends which seems to be all that you are - and get yourself a boyfriend who is more than just a boy and a friend. A new loving relationship typically involves sex- not three way sex he offers as evidence to be straight or tester sex which he has had & which is never followed up on
because is afraid, or he has his period/a headache / the sheets are the wrong colour etc. oR abECAUSE HE IS GAY!!!! If he is a bit of a sex mess and in turmoil he will know it - don't make it harder & make a big drama out of it - just tell him you are officially putting him on friend only status and removing his boyfriend status & this will be a permanent feature of your friendship - he is a great guy etc only. No excuses, no accusations, no embarassing declarations or demands. Juat call it the way it is - its not as though you are actually IN that kind of relationship anyway - you are just (great) friends.

professore

MactheKnife90 wrote: »

Or is the threesome a lie? To act like hes been there and done that.

I bet it was a FMM threesome where the F never showed up. Several times. It's something I can't understand, especially in 2017, that gay men still find they need to date straight women. It's really unfair on the women. OP I'd bet the house he's gay.