Anxiety about people not liking me..

HeavyHeaded

So as the title says for some reason I get anxiety when I have to be around people for too long because I'm afraid of them not liking me.
I have an event coming up in the next week that involves me meeting and spending time with a group of girls I don't know.

I think what makes me like this is that I find it difficult to act the way friends seem to have to act socially always bowing down to each other saying things like "oh hun ya look fab" "oh hun you're right they are wrong ". I don't know if it makes sense what I'm saying but there seems to be a social understanding of agreeing with friends no matter what. I can only do this to a point.

Let me try explain. A friend once cheated with another friends boyfriend and I told her what she done was wrong so she stopped talking to me.

Another friend asked me would I collect her in Kilkenny when travelling from Dublin to Galway. I told her that was out of my way and I'd collect her on route. She got annoyed.

Another time a friend asked me why I didn't like her Instagram pic and I said I firstly didn't see it but if it was another selfie I probably wouldn't of liked it anyway because it looks like attention seeking.

I know these things sound harsh reading them here but I said them nicely. Its like people only want to be friends with me if they get something from me.

Anyway, how do I avoid that when I meet all these new people next week. How do I come across as a nice person? I'm not greedy, I'm a loyal friend, very considerate and thoughtful but just hate being made feel a fool. Any tips because I'm currently thinking of pulling out of the event for fear of offending someone there.

LegacyUser

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

A friend once cheated with another friends boyfriend and I told her what she done was wrong so she stopped talking to me.

Another friend asked me would I collect her in Kilkenny when travelling from Dublin to Galway. I told her that was out of my way and I'd collect her on route. She got annoyed.

Another time a friend asked me why I didn't like her Instagram pic and I said I firstly didn't see it but if it was another selfie I probably wouldn't of liked it anyway because it looks like attention seeking.

You need better friends. You were right about the cheating, you were right about Kilkenny being ridiculously off route and while you didn't need to point out the attention seeking, it was childish of a friend to ask why you didn't like her pic. These are poor examples to illustrate your point, you weren't really in the wrong on them.

That being said, you might want to exercise a bit of judgement in when to be blunt and when to quiet. Mostly, there's no point in telling people things they don't want to hear, they're just not listening. Even if they were, they're not going to change 'cos you called them out. Smile and nod if you have nothing to say, change the subject, ask questions, all better than having a row and you don't have to agree with what you're hearing.

Airyfairy12

Its good to be open and honest with people but you also need accept that people will do/say things that you won't agree with, you don't need to take the moral high ground and tell them what's right or wrong. I know how hard it can be, i've seen friends do and say extremely nasty things to people and i've had to hold my tongue, my disapproval wouldnt be well received especially if they didnt ask for my opinion it's not my place to say anything theyre adults and i'm not their mother my opinions on their behaviour won't make a bit of difference and all it will do is drive a wedge between us or create an argument, people don't like being told theyre wrong.

If you don't like someone's personality or you don't share similar moral values and thats a deal breaker for you then youre completely in your right to remove that person from your life but youre not entitled to tell anybody how to live their life or expect them to live up to your moral standards, is that a type of control you expect to have over other people? that they need to do what you say or live by your rules?

Your friend was immature to ask about the instagram picture but you were immature to tell her she's attention seeking, theres no nice way to tell someone theyre attention seeking. Its her instagram she can post whatever she wants theres no need to hurt her feelings because you don't like what she chooses to post on her social media.
When girls compliment each other its generally not fake, girls put allot of effort into their makeup, hair and outfits, other girls recognise this so they complement each other. Can't people enjoy things? or must they all share your negative views? It sounds to me like youre the one whose not accepting of other people, not the other way around.

If someones crossing your boundaries or they really leave you feeling bad or used or you just dont like who they are then you're entitled to stop speaking to them but don't expect anyone to live up to these standards youve created or expect anyone to behave like yourself.

HeavyHeaded

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

When girls compliment each other its generally not fake, girls put allot of effort into their makeup, hair and outfits, other girls recognise this so they complement each other. Can't people enjoy things? or must they all share your negative views? It sounds to me like youre the one whose not accepting of other people, not the other way around.
.

Oh I don't think its always fake but its become like a requirement and I'm not a very lovey dovey friend in that way. I'm not a "hey hun" kinda gal. I do tell my friends they look nice but find it hard if they are always looking for attention I guess.

I don't think my views are negative I just find it hard to hold back if I feel like someone is in the wrong I guess.

I've a knot in my stomach about meeting all these new people though I want to make friends its like I can't self or something

blairbear

OP, what age are you? I know that for me, as I got a bit older and left my early/mid twenties, I tended to keep a lot of opinions to myself when interacting with friends. Not because I wanted to agree with them no matter what, but because I became perhaps more empathetic and understanding of their differences. People are generally doing their best. Sometimes they do stupid things that don't paint them in the best light, but it's rarely our place to be judgemental.

A couple of points; my besties and I would always like each other's pictures on fb and instagram. We'd text each other and say "give us an old like there to get me started!" And they would sometimes be selfies. I don't think we're immature or attention seeking; there's worse things a girl can do than put up a photo of herself where she thinks her make up/hair/dress is nice and that she looks pretty. I'd be hurt if they responded as you did.

I am not a fan of people who say "I'm just being honest" or similar. Often times its to excuse overly blunt, hurtful comments that have upset someone.

Complimenting other people is actually enjoyable by the way. It's easy to find a nice thing to say about anyone that you meet if you're looking for it. It doesn't need to be insincere and making others feel good fleetingly can put you in great form.

Airyfairy12

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Oh I don't think its always fake but its become like a requirement and I'm not a very lovey dovey friend in that way. I'm not a "hey hun" kinda gal. I do tell my friends they look nice but find it hard if they are always looking for attention I guess.

I don't think my views are negative I just find it hard to hold back if I feel like someone is in the wrong I guess.

I've a knot in my stomach about meeting all these new people though I want to make friends its like I can't self or something

You don't have to be a 'hey hun' kind of girl, thats absolutely fine but that doesnt mean youre any better than those women just because theyre different from you. Most people like attention and theres nothing wrong with that, theyre not hurting anyone.
Have you thought about trying to make friends with people you'd feel more compatible with? what are your interests? maybe you could get involved with clubs or societies that involve things you enjoy doing? theres no harm in widening your circle.

HeavyHeaded

Thanks for the responses. I definitely don't think I'm better than anyone else. If anything I think I'm worse than them because I can't seem to let things slide when something annoys me and then I end up being unliked.

Another example is I was away on holidays with a friend last year and I bought something off a seller on the street, it was only 6euro a little thing u stick to your camera. When I bought it she told me it was probably no good and a waste of my money and then two minutes later asked could she use it and I was annoyed and said "sure a few minutes ago u said it was a waste of money and now you want to use it" she got annoyed at me.

Another friend one time when I was trying to neogiate a taxi fare in Brussels told me to stop trying to haggle as it was embarrassing her. I felt annoyed and told her I wasn't doing anything wrong that I'd been before and knew the price was too much. She got annoyed at me then too.

Don't get me wrong I have some good friends but it seems to all turn into an argument when we are together for more than a few hours... Its like I rub people up the wrong way and I don't know how to change...

Ursus Horribilis

How long are you friends with these people? Since school?

HeavyHeaded

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

How long are you friends with these people? Since school?

A mixture. Some since school some only recently some a few years. It's like a just annoy people and people don't like me. I have a bit of a short fuse sometimes I think too.

retro:electro

You sound like my kind of person! The world needs more people like you, op. Don't change to suit others. I am certainly not a "hey hun" either, and I can't be false. Just be yourself and if people like you they like you, you seem sound to me.

HeavyHeaded

anna080 wrote: »

You sound like my kind of person! The world needs more people like you, op. Don't change to suit others. I am certainly not a "hey hun" either, and I can't be false. Just be yourself and if people like you they like you, you seem sound to me.

Thank you Anna. I end up feeling bad because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but can't keep my opinions to myself. Obviously I wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally but if I feel someone is being a bitch to me or rude it just all comes out...

retro:electro

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Thank you Anna. I end up feeling bad because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but can't keep my opinions to myself. Obviously I wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally but if I feel someone is being a bitch to me or rude it just all comes out...

There's nothing wrong with being upfront. It's a quality I admire in a person, better than being passive aggressive and disguising any perceived affront with a laugh and an "I'm only joking Hun". A lot of girls would have picked up your friend in Kilkenny, but then b!tched about the cheek of her asking behind her back later, and they wouldn't feel bad about doing that either. So why should you feel bad about being upfront and honest?

Dial Hard

It sounds like you're missing a bit of a filter and/or social "finesse", for want of a better word.

You can choose not to engage with/encourage behaviours you've no interest in without sh*tting all over people's choices, basically.

I know that sounds harsh, because that's genuinely not your intent, but it *is* how other people can see it, unfortunately.

I know this because I used to be a bit guilty of it myself until it was politely pointed out to me that I was coming off a bit righteous.

Wesser

I think you are a very nice genuine person. But you don't have good judgement of situations. Sometimes you have to learn when to close your mouth. This is an important life skill. While I think it important that you don't change your fundamental you, you do really have to learn this skill. This skill of situation judgement. Otherwise you are going to get really upset really down in yourself.

Here's a tip

Count to 5 in your head before you speak and check that it sounds OK before it comes out.

HeavyHeaded

I agree I probably do need to count to 5 before I speak.
Its hard when u feel like someone is taking advantage to just say nothing. People tend to walk over me a bit and I think that's what made me a little confrontational.

Airyfairy12

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I agree I probably do need to count to 5 before I speak.
Its hard when u feel like someone is taking advantage to just say nothing. People tend to walk over me a bit and I think that's what made me a little confrontational.

Its ok to speak up when someones taking advantage of you or using you in some way, its important to stand up for yourself but you cant change anybody, its not ok to insult or belittle people on their personal choices.

If a friend is persistent in taking advantage or you dont like them then stop hanging out with them and putting yourself in situations where they can use you. Your friend asking for a lift was cheeky of her but you had every right to say no. Her reaction to you saying no is her problem, if she continues to act badly towards you because of that incident then either talk to her about to see what her problem is or stop hanging out with her to avoid the drama that she's creating over not getting her own way.

Sometimes people ask things that i'd never dream of asking anyone, a girl I was in college with would constantly ask me for my stuff, if I was wearing a jumper she liked she'd straight out ask me could she have it, she asked me could she have jewelry I was wearing, she was a bit of a bully and was constantly crossing boundaries. Ive a friend who always lets me down at the last minute, if wev planned to meet up iv either been in the place already waiting for her or im just heading out the door to meet up when I get a text that she wont be coming, if im a few minutes late when meeting her I dont hear the end of it. Ive another friend that helps herself to my cigarettes, picks them up and smokes away then gets offended when I say no to her. I could list out ways people have tried to take advantage of me all day.

Its very common for people to over step the mark, people really only think about themselves and they'll chance anything to see if they can get away with it.