Helping Cousins

LegacyUser

Hi all
Anon post here to protect IDs.

I’m at loss with what to do regarding a family situation and I’m hoping people may have similar experiences, or advise as to what I can do to help.

My aunt, in her fifties, has two kids, teenage years – one doing the Leaving Cert this year. She’s a single mother; unemployed by choice. I’m older than the kids so I’m probably regarded as an aunt more than cousin.

Historically, my aunt has had some problems in life. In the last decade or so, I’ve felt she has mental health issues, however the family have been unable to help as she is very aggressive and volatile. This would be in the form of text, calls, landing at doorsteps in a rage.

However, to my knowledge, the kids were never exposed to this. I imagined a Grizzly mother situations, naively. In the last few months, it seems to have escalated. Reports from cousins suggest she can be quite nasty and mean to him and younger sister. It’s starting to sound more and more like how she behaves with her immediate family – paranoid behaviour, chip-on-her-shoulder mentality.

Long story short, there was another incident in the last few days where the kids ‘walked out’. She’d taken their internet (despite the eldest having exam preparation), ranting at them in the middle of the night and giving them grief about the sacrifices she makes for them. What ensued was a man-hunt by aunt, which is understandable. The kids had just gone to friends to hide out for the day and get some peace apparently.

There’s naturally tonnes more detail but really, I am at a loss. I’ve contacted a friend who works in their school to find out about counselling services for the kids. My eldest cousin sounds like he puts himself in the firing line, to take the pressure off his sister. He’s focused to a fault on getting his college course and moving out etc.

Handling my aunt is the real issue. She hasn’t ever taken kindly to me, and she’s very paranoid about her siblings. Unfortunately, this is due to another set of issues regarding their mother, my grandmother. My primary concern is the kids, I really don’t know how best to help.

My mother, and her siblings would be concerned for the kids, but also well used to her behaviour – and getting involved will bring them a torrent of abuse; online, in person, doorsteps, roadside. You name it, there’s cases in the last few months where she corners people, to the point where my mother would feel threatened by her. All the while citing her own victimhood.

I’m at the stage where reporting her would make sense, despite the upheaval for the kids. They’ve too long left in the house to be subjected to this. At the same time, I’m worried if I set those wheels in motion, there’s no turning back.

Any help or advise would be appreciated.

Xterminator

Hi OP

Im not sure why you havent already reported your aunt to Tusla. Please do so immediately.
They dont come and take the kids 1st then ask questions later, and they can offer a range of family supports and follow up services.

You dont have to advertise it was you that called them, but like you i would be of the opinion you shield the kids.

PS can you offer a safe haven to the 2 kids yourself. IE tell them if they are ever stuck, jump in a taxi to yours; and you will cover expenses, and give them a place to stay? Again it wont make you popular, but its safer than couch surfing.

LegacyUser

Sounds identical to my own family situation, I was that eldest sibling taking the brunt and dying to escape to college.

As mentioned - all you can do is be there for them - let them know they've a safe place to go and stay if it all gets too bad, or even if they just need a few hours away.

10 years on, I'm doing alright, I've had to cut all ties with my mother for my own sanity, and my sibling is in the process of doing the same. It's been tough, but knowing I'd family that cared helped a lot, we lived in silence for a long time. Nasty aul situation.

Lucuma

I'm sure a phone call to Tusla would help, you don't have to make an official report, just have a chat about the ins and outs and the ramifications of making a formal report to them about your At least they could tell you the legal standpoint and whether or not your report would remain anonymous. Not sure why the LC student would need internet to prepare for an exam though? Surely taking away the internet would help him to focus on his study but then again maybe you need to be online to study for the LC these days, is it not done out of books anymore?
There's no easy way to handle a woman like your Aunt. You or your mother could of course get a protection order against her, that would make it against the law for her to intimidate ye either online or in person and it would also mean she'd face a night in a cell if she turned up on your doorstep. If you don't get one, you could always threaten to get one. Make sure to report any incidents to the Gardai though, so there's a case built up which will help to get the protection order if it's required.
Don't forget that all teenagers hate their parents (mothers in particular) I know I was at loggerheads with mine from age 13 til 19 or 20 so you have to take that into account as well. A certain amount of it is normal to'ing and fro'ing between parents and teenagers, it's spotting where normal ends and unacceptable starts is the key thing here