I want to move abroad but my girlfriend has a child and can't.

SpaceCowb0y

Hi all

Just wondering what people's feeling on the above would be?

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend nearly 3 years now and its had its fair share of ups and down but for the most part we have a great relationship and love each other very much. She has a young daughter (10) from a previous relationship who I have grown to love too. Her dad is firmly in the picture and is a great guy (I actually went to school with him) and he has his own wife and family now so there is no animosity in the slightest which makes things really easy.

Problem is, I have always felt like life for me was outside of Ireland. I applied for a visa for Canada last year while myself and the OH had broken up and was all set to go but we patched things up and I had put the idea out of my mind. That visa is due to expire on the 20th of May this year and it is niggling at me. I'd love for the 3 of us to move away somewhere, but my OH says she couldn't take her daughter away from her dad which i fully understand, if the roles were reversed and I was the dad there's no chance i'd allow it (not that the subject has even been brought up with him).

Part of me feels i'll never be happy settling in Ireland and another part of me feels like the grass is always greener but if you don't try how can you ever be sure. I don't want to live a life with regret but i'd also have to give up an awful lot if i decided to move. Do i go and leave my job, my nice apartment and probably lose my OH in the process to try something new or do i just hope this feeling passes once the visa expires and get on with my life again.

I realise these are only questions i can answer but i'd like to hear people's thoughts on the situation.

Thanks

leggo

If your current situation isn't leaving you satisfied, there's your answer. There's no guarantee that things will work elsewhere (everywhere you go you always take yourself with you, after all, and your problems won't magically disappear with a change of address)...but the fact is that you seem to have a decent life here that could satisfy you, and would many others, and yet this is still niggling at you.

So I'd say if you're unhappy then go.

However I will say that if you are happy and you're doing this just because of some promise you made yourself years ago, then maybe re-examine. For example, I know a guy who made all these promises to himself and set life goals at like 15-16 that he still feels pressured to hit. But, as I said to him, think of all the dumb stuff you also did at that age...would you trust that guy to steer the wheels of your life now? Because we grow and sometimes we grow away from what we originally thought were our dreams because we understand what made them our dreams to begin with and found another way to fulfil them that fit within our actual life circumstances.

So it all comes down to how you feel, ultimately.

silverharp

you sound quite young to be stuck in this complicated relationship which inst that robust if you have already broken up before. Given what you have said you don't even sound that free to move around Ireland. A clean break might do you good especially if you thought it might do your career some good unless you are flying it already.

Airyfairy12

Could you go for a year and have a long distance relationship? if you plan to spend your lives together then what's one year? I dont think you should put your life on hold anyone

SpaceCowb0y

Thank you both for your input, two different opinions but good to get peoples thoughts on both sides of the situation.

I am still relatively young (31), although people keep telling me i'm not young anymore and should really be figuring out what i'm doing with myself. That's not me though I will probably always be a bit like that, wondering what I'm doing with myself. I do have a good job and work in an industry where I don't think i'll ever be stuck for a job.

Moving to Canada isn't something i promised myself, I did live in Australia for 3 years and Spain for almost a year though and ever since i got home i have always felt there's a lot more on offer for me outside of this little island as much as i love to call it home. I love the idea of the lifestyle on offer in Canada but i'm not sure if that is enough to warrant leaving everything behind. As stated i probably have a life a lot of other would be quite happy with so am I just looking afar with a case of the grass is only greener! Also i have to consider the other people in my life and the impact me just up and moving would have on them.

I wish these type of decisions in life were easier to make

whiskeyman

She's your GF, and not your wife / fiancee.
3 years and you've already had a fair share of ups and downs?
You don't feel settled and have a niggle?

Personally, I think you need to go. You'll always regret it if not, and may resent your gf because ultimately she'd be the reason you wouldn't go.

I think you need to go and understand that if you lose her because if it, that's what needs to happen.
31 is still so young.
For your sake, and for theirs, I'd go.
It's far from an easy decision, but I'd think it's for the best.

Btw, at your age I was 5 years into a relationship where it was amazing and I wanted to settle and stay. I think you just know... Your uncertainty says otherwise.

Best of luck!!

Mr. Incognito

Im going against the grain here.

Let me break it to you. The romantic notion of living abroad you have is nonsense. Without family and friends youll be another lonely paddy. Its possible to make it abroad but you give up so much.

If you have firm relationships and commitments grow up and be there.

This younger generation self actualisation is a lot of nonsense.

Im 34 but i really think people get carried away with this crap and dont put the effort into real life chasing some instagram dream

JustAThought

Depends on what he thinks Canada might being. If there have been lots of ups & downs & they have broken up a few times a break might be the best for everyone. That little girl is in the middle of her moms second not really working relationship & that's hardly good for her to stuck in the middle of either - particularly if you have wanderlust & want to live & explore your life & the worlds opportunities a bit more before you settle forever & all doors are shut in you forever. If a relationship is permanent it should stand the test of a year or 18 months. Then you can review. Go, explore, breathe, live be fulfilled & happy. And not just in between fights.

lunalex

Couldn't agree more with Mr. Cognito.

Every relationship has there ups and downs its all about working together and i personally think its unfair to your OH and little girl that all the while having a relationship with her for 3 years you knowing that your heart didn't belong here in Ireland where u met... why not discuss this sooner??

I don't no what you do for a job but could a career change be considered... something that involves travel so it can stimulate your need for change

dbagman

Give it a go for even 6 months. If she's for you she should understand and maybe wait for you. If you dont even give it some sort of go you might regret it forever. Even blaming her for you not going. You don't have kids yourself so this notion of 'growing up' is sh1t talk. Take chances while you can. Do what you feel is right. And by the sounds of your message youve already made up your mind.

professore

If you're together 3 years and you still feel like this you should go. You are not even married. For other posters saying it should be "work" I don't agree. If it's a relationship that will last it shouldn't be "work" already when you haven't had money problems, bereavements, illnesses, and a host of other things that test the strongest of relationships.

professore

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Im going against the grain here.

Let me break it to you. The romantic notion of living abroad you have is nonsense. Without family and friends youll be another lonely paddy. Its possible to make it abroad but you give up so much.

If you have firm relationships and commitments grow up and be there.

This younger generation self actualisation is a lot of nonsense.

Im 34 but i really think people get carried away with this crap and dont put the effort into real life chasing some instagram dream

Some people actually like it and settle in and integrate into the new country and don't spend their evenings crying into their Guinness in the local Irish pub. The OP has lived abroad before and appears to like it.

The OP has no real commitments - he has a rocky relationship with his girlfriend and a 10 year old girl that likes him like an uncle, but as her dad is still very much in the picture, she will be fine.

If he "mans up", marries his gf, some part of him will always resent her for holding him back.

mahamageehad

Have ye talked about a future together at all? If the little girl is 10, is the mother the same age or older than you? Have ye talked about long term plans like if she wants more kids etc? If getting married is important to her or you. If you plan on getting a mortgage together. If not, then I think you have your answer. Long distance for some time could be an option, but you need a pretty strong relationship and you need to be committed to get through it. Believe me, I know, I've been there twice. I will say that Canada may not be all it's cracked up to be. One of my best friends is over there now and really struggling. She's your age and said that socializing and connecting with people can be very trying, a lot of people her age are already settled and don't have interest in making new friends and a lot of the younger crowd want non stop partying and she feels like she has grown out of that. Is it specifically Canada you want, or just a change of scene. Sounds like the latter.

via4

I didn't read the other replies so apologies if I am repeating someone else's answer.

I think go over for the few weeks and scope it out. Then maybe in the summer your gf and child can come over on a little holiday and they can see what they think of it. To me you going for six months to a year can be common round where I live so many people have international relationships where the husband or partner lives and works in another country. Obv your relationship you guys will both need to be on the same page about it or it won't work. The way I see it is you guys have your whole lives together whats a few months apart? I know most people won't agree with that notion but why not go over then down the line it could be an option to move over in the future. The world is our oyster too many people think you need to stay stuck in your hometown to be happy. There is a lot of opportunity in Canada more than here that is for sure.

fungun

imo this is just a tricky decision. You have already lived abroad, in two countries. You know what Canada is going to be like....not everything you dreamed of, but will be different, some good, some bad.

You want to live abroad. You want to be with your gf. Its time to decide which means more to you, its actually that simple.

The technique I use to help me in this situation is to fast forward 20 years and try to imagine (a) life with your (now) wife and you never went away - how do you think you feel and (b) life in Canada where its ok but you dont have this woman - how do you think you feel? Which of these options feels worse to you?

It sounds a bit horrible but I think that unless she is really 'the one' in your head, its probably easier to move on from a woman (and in time have a replacement) than it is from a lifestyle choice you want (which in your head cant be replaced)

Hrududu

Flip a coin and if you are disappointed with the outcome of the coin toss you will know which way you are leaning more towards.

SpaceCowb0y

Thanks for all the continued thoughts and opinions folks, all very much appreciated and taken on board. I have talked a bit more about things with my girlfriend now and suggested that I might go over for 3 months and get a feel for life over there and at first she was not a happy camper which is understandable but she has slowly started to come around to the idea, it hasn't been talked about too much since but she has said that if i want to go she wouldn't try to stop me and even though it would be really really difficult for her she would support my decision.

Obviously thats a good thing but who knows what would happen over the course of 3 months and it would still leave me with some big decisions to make when that time was up. My visa expires at the end of May so if i can find employment over there before hand i think i will just go for it. If i can't arrange a suitable job beforehand I won't have the money to go so that will just have to be the end of it then i guess.