AA sponsors

Lady is a tramp

Everyone keeps telling me how important it is to get a sponsor in AA as soon as possible. I know a lot of posters here go to AA, so just wanted to get some opinions on it.

I just feel awkward approaching someone and asking them to make such a big commitment of their time and energy for someone they don't know very well. See I'd be afraid of the "rejection" if someone said no, but on the other hand I certainly wouldn't like it if they felt obliged to say yes!

Just interested to hear of anyone's experiences with getting a sponsor (or indeed being asked to be a sponsor for someone else), how you knew who to ask, how much difference it made to your recovery? Also do people always stick with the one sponsor, or have different sponsors at different stages of their recovery? And is it recommended that your sponsor is in your home group, or is it better if they're not?

Thanks for any info/advice!

begbysback

No response - maybe due to the nature of the question, or a lack of understanding about what "sponsorship" really is.

To understand what sponsorship is about then some understanding of AA and its history might be useful. Ebby T was Bill W's sponsor, and Bill W was Bob's sponsor - which meant back then that somebody took you through the program (the 6 tenets back then) - the 12 steps as it is now. Alcoholics were approached by recovered alcoholics and asked if they wanted to recover - whereas nowadays you find yourself having to look and ask someone to sponsor you.

AA can be segmented into 3 parts
1) Fellowship - other alcoholics in meetings and social gatherings
2) Service - availability to do AA positions such as chairs, secretary, treasurer etc
3) Sponsorship - someone to direct you through the 12 steps

One of the dangers of seeking a sponsor if you are new is that you will just choose someone based on listening to them in meetings - with this comes the risk that that person may not have been brought through the program themselves - as such they may be useful companions, or a compassionate ear - but there is a chance that they may not be able to help you to "recover".

My advice would be to go to AA Big Book meetings - these meetings may seem a little more intense as they are known to stick to discussing the problem as it relates to alcoholism and its solution - such meetings may contain more of the hopeless variety of the alcoholic (those which just going to meetings will not stop them drinking) - but when it comes to practicing and understanding 12 steps then these type of meetings usually contain an abundance of potential sponsors

Hope this helps -

Lady is a tramp

Thanks for your advice. I'll try your suggestion about the Big Book meetings, I've been to very few of them.

I've been having a rough few days, really struggling with anxiety and self-doubt, and my counsellor has told me that I really need to get a sponsor and get working on the steps. And she's right, but she also understands I have major trust issues, which is probably why I haven't found anyone I feel comfortable asking yet. She has suggested in the meantime that she will read the book and try doing the steps with me ... but I think we both know it's not ideal when she's not an alcoholic. Having said that though, she does know me and understand me better than anyone, and really genuinely cares about me.

I'm beginning to think I need to just get over myself and stop thinking I'm a special little snowflake! I need to have more faith in people ... my main concern is, silly as this sounds, that I'd end up "breaking" my sponsor (well it's not that silly actually, I have a history of breaking counsellors! ) But then again a sponsor isn't exactly the same as a counsellor, I suppose.

I'm aiming for a meeting a day at the moment, but the thing is I'm always happy to talk plenty when things are going well, but stay quiet when they're not. I know a lot of where I'm going wrong - I'm not living the program at the moment, and I've been so distracted with real life lately that I'm not prioritising meetings above all else.

I just wish it was more obvious to me who's the "right" person to ask. I do have a few options, a few people in mind, but I really don't know how to approach them or how they'd feel about being asked. I feel like I should have more of an instant, definite connection with the right person, and I'm not feeling that with any of the people I've been considering.

aabarnes1

Hi Ladyisatramp,
I am Andrew, and I am a recovering alcoholic.

Nice to see you posting so positively and highlighting your fears.

I too had difficulty in picking a sponsor/mentor to help me with the steps and program of AA as per the 'Big Book'. My main issue was trust, I found it very hard to come to terms with the fact that I would be judged all the time, and I wasn't too keen on spilling my guts to a stranger.

I soon discovered my fears were not only quite 'normal', but soon began to dissipate once I had a few meetings under my belt and I started to get to know some of the members that had been around a while and had sponsored others.

I think your counsellor, whilst correct in telling you a sponsor is a must, is putting undue pressure on you to get one. You need to go to a few different meetings and get a feel for people in those rooms, sound out some of the lady members who talk about the steps/big book and helping others. You need to feel comfortable with who you ask, not just asking someone because you feel pressured into doing so.

You will intuitively know when you meet the right kind of person.
You can also ask your Higher power for guidance on the issue, never underestimate His power!
Feelings of uselessness, low self worth, irrational fear and guilt are very very common with us alcoholics and once you get started on the steps, these emotions will be dealt with and become less of an obstacle for you.
You will know a new freedom and happiness, I promise you. You need never drink again, a day at a time.

best of luck,

Andrew.

aabarnes1

begbysback wrote: »

No response - maybe due to the nature of the question, or a lack of understanding about what "sponsorship" really is.

To understand what sponsorship is about then some understanding of AA and its history might be useful. Ebby T was Bill W's sponsor, and Bill W was Bob's sponsor - which meant back then that somebody took you through the program (the 6 tenets back then) - the 12 steps as it is now. Alcoholics were approached by recovered alcoholics and asked if they wanted to recover - whereas nowadays you find yourself having to look and ask someone to sponsor you.

AA can be segmented into 3 parts
1) Fellowship - other alcoholics in meetings and social gatherings
2) Service - availability to do AA positions such as chairs, secretary, treasurer etc
3) Sponsorship - someone to direct you through the 12 steps

One of the dangers of seeking a sponsor if you are new is that you will just choose someone based on listening to them in meetings - with this comes the risk that that person may not have been brought through the program themselves - as such they may be useful companions, or a compassionate ear - but there is a chance that they may not be able to help you to "recover".

My advice would be to go to AA Big Book meetings - these meetings may seem a little more intense as they are known to stick to discussing the problem as it relates to alcoholism and its solution - such meetings may contain more of the hopeless variety of the alcoholic (those which just going to meetings will not stop them drinking) - but when it comes to practicing and understanding 12 steps then these type of meetings usually contain an abundance of potential sponsors

Hope this helps -

Hi,

AA is in 3 segments, you are correct in that statement, however your description is slightly incorrect.
1.Unity
2.Service
3.Recovery

In relation to people picking a potential sponsor, in my experience 95% of the members I know who currently avail of a sponsor, did so by going to meetings and listening to them, and 'judging' them on what they heard and their own perception of that person's ability to suit their needs within the boundaries of AA sponsorship. They most certainly did not get a sponsor by attending big book meetings. No newcomer purposely attends big book meetings, for obvious reasons.

begbysback

aabarnes1 wrote: »

Hi,

AA is in 3 segments, you are correct in that statement, however your description is slightly incorrect.
1.Unity
2.Service
3.Recovery

In relation to people picking a potential sponsor, in my experience 95% of the members I know who currently avail of a sponsor, did so by going to meetings and listening to them, and 'judging' them on what they heard and their own perception of that person's ability to suit their needs within the boundaries of AA sponsorship. They most certainly did not get a sponsor by attending big book meetings. No newcomer purposely attends big book meetings, for obvious reasons.

I purposefully used the word "sponsorship" and always do when discussing AA with a newcomer, as the word "recovery" tends to be ambiguous and understood by those outside AA to cover such things as counselling - whereas we as AA members are not qualified to counsel

Unity is intended to be "fellowship" working as one - whether this occurs or not is an individual opinion.

I know many who have obtained sponsorship from Big Book meetings and have recovered. These also include newcomers - some just out of treatment centers.

begbysback

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

Thanks for your advice. I'll try your suggestion about the Big Book meetings, I've been to very few of them.

I really hope you do - my early AA experience was described to me as "going to the doctors and sitting in the waiting room discussing my problems with other patients without actually seeing the doctor!!"

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

I've been having a rough few days, really struggling with anxiety and self-doubt, and my counsellor has told me that I really need to get a sponsor and get working on the steps. And she's right, but she also understands I have major trust issues, which is probably why I haven't found anyone I feel comfortable asking yet.

I have yet to meet an alcoholic who doesnt have "trust issues" aka "fear" - some describe alcoholism as a illness which affects our relationships with others - I waited 5 years to get a sponsor due to "trust issues" - was going to get one when I was "ready" - turns out I was never "ready" and was never going to be "ready" - personally I just found it easier to ask someone to bring me through the program (Big Book) than asking them to sponsor me - strangely it feels like we are burdening others when using the word "sponsorship" - interestingly a word that is never actually used in the Big Book.

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

She has suggested in the meantime that she will read the book and try doing the steps with me ... but I think we both know it's not ideal when she's not an alcoholic. Having said that though, she does know me and understand me better than anyone, and really genuinely cares about me.

IMO there is no harm in discussing the contents of the book with others - One of the fears I used to be consumed with was looking stupid (type of self centered fear)- and would like to become familiar with something before committing

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

I'm beginning to think I need to just get over myself and stop thinking I'm a special little snowflake! I need to have more faith in people ...

Youre starting to understand already!! This is what we suffer with and the process of the steps can greatly help

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

my main concern is, silly as this sounds, that I'd end up "breaking" my sponsor (well it's not that silly actually, I have a history of breaking counsellors! ) But then again a sponsor isn't exactly the same as a counsellor, I suppose.

Maybe you have reached the end of counselling for the time being? If your counsellor is suggesting steps and is willing to discuss the Big Book then maybe they think so?

Again the term "sponsorship" is commonly misunderstood - when going through the Big Book you will be told what alcoholism is as AA defines alcoholism - then asked to follow directions as they are outlined in the book - this is your program of recovery - there is no counselling so sponsors are spared the stress.

Dont worry counsellors are made of strong stuff - or maybe we have just helped some counsellors come to the conclusion they are not cut out for the job!!!

I'm embarrassed by some of the hours I put counsellors through!! But hey, they signed up for this!!

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

I'm aiming for a meeting a day at the moment, but the thing is I'm always happy to talk plenty when things are going well, but stay quiet when they're not. I know a lot of where I'm going wrong - I'm not living the program at the moment, and I've been so distracted with real life lately that I'm not prioritising meetings above all else.

Yes we can be both outgoing and introverted as people - if you are going to aim for perfection then learn to fall short - my experiences of the program have taught me to accept an imperfect life.

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

I just wish it was more obvious to me who's the "right" person to ask. I do have a few options, a few people in mind, but I really don't know how to approach them or how they'd feel about being asked. I feel like I should have more of an instant, definite connection with the right person, and I'm not feeling that with any of the people I've been considering.

Again - asking someone who has been through the book, to help me with the book was somehow easier, and in fact I now know to be part of the program - so in essence if we arent working with others then our program is lacking.

What I would say is it is very important to be open minded - that means you may end up with someone who is actually younger than yourself, or even in some cases I have seen the sponsee is actually longer without a drink than the sponsor!! This isnt about time or age - its about a spiritual experience!!

I'm actually envious of you whilst writing this as it has reminded me of my first journey through the process and the unexpected changes within myself that took place - may you too find peace and contentment, and dont worry I can tell by your attitude that you too will recover.

aabarnes1

begbysback wrote: »

I purposefully used the word "sponsorship" and always do when discussing AA with a newcomer, as the word "recovery" tends to be ambiguous and understood by those outside AA to cover such things as counselling - whereas we as AA members are not qualified to counsel

Unity is intended to be "fellowship" working as one - whether this occurs or not is an individual opinion.

I know many who have obtained sponsorship from Big Book meetings and have recovered. These also include newcomers - some just out of treatment centers.

You refer to ambiguity and yet use the term 'recovered'.

Please be mindful of your 'advice' to others.

begbysback

aabarnes1 wrote: »

You refer to ambiguity and yet use the term 'recovered'.

Please be mindful of your 'advice' to others.

Not going to argue with you but I will correct you this once - Its an AA term and taken from the AA Big Book - on an AA sponsors thread - I dont just make this stuff up - now can you back up your statements that..

aabarnes1 wrote: »

"members most certainly did not get a sponsor by attending big book meetings. No newcomer purposely attends big book meetings, for obvious reasons."

aabarnes1

begbysback wrote: »

Not going to argue with you but I will correct you this once - Its an AA term and taken from the AA Big Book - on an AA sponsors thread - I dont just make this stuff up - now can you back up your statements that..

You clearly prefer to be seen as 'right', than to encounter happiness.

I'll pray for you.

God bless

begbysback

aabarnes1 wrote: »

You clearly prefer to be seen as 'right', than to encounter happiness.

I'll pray for you.

God bless

Right

Amazingfun

Great stuff Begbysback :-)

I sponsor/have sponsored quite a few newcomers (and some around a while as well ) at this stage and can wholeheartedly confirm what you say here: age or time sober doesn't have much to do with it, all that matters is that the person has themselves an experience with this thing and is living it.

I am a member of a Big Book group and we try to make it easier for newcomers to find someone by inviting those persons willing/able to sponsor to hold up their hands at the end of the meeting. But really it's our job to try and be aware of who is new in the room and ask them if they need a bit of direction.

One thing about that supposedly "controversial" word recovered: it was where I had my first awakening in this process over 15 years ago---there it was right on the title page!



Another suggestion I have for those curious is to make use of the brilliant resources online. There is quite an array of BB studies now, all free, and can give a good intro of what it's like to embark upon this incredible journey. Here is one example :

As always, best wishes to everyone no matter what stage of this you're at and no matter what path you choose.
It ain't over til its over, and today is always a chance to take another stab at it.

A.

aabarnes1

begbysback wrote: »

Right

You just can't let go can you

peckerhead

Lads, let's not? Nitpicking over what the BB says is a far cry from a 'programme of attraction'...

The OP asked about picking/approaching a sponsor and IMHO this is good advice (can't quote the post properly on my phone, sorry):

"You need to go to a few different meetings and get a feel for people in those rooms, sound out some of the lady members who talk about the steps/big book and helping others. You need to feel comfortable with who you ask, not just asking someone because you feel pressured into doing so.

You will intuitively know when you meet the right kind of person."

What I'd like to add to this is that - in my own experience - one AA member sponsoring another is very far from a one-way street, and newcomers often tend to fear that it will be some sort of burden/bother/imposition on a potential sponsor. In reality, they also do it because it brings all sorts of benefits for their own sobriety, too. Certainly I've learned a lot from the (few) people I've tried to help in this way.

Also, over 10 years on, I still need to talk to my own sponsors (I have more than one) every now and then. They keep me right in the head. I don't refer to them as my sponsors, I just call them friends.

Best of luck; you'll find the right individual for you sooner or later.

Lady is a tramp

Found my sponsor. I've thought for a long time that I'd love to have the balls to ask her, but I knew she wasn't taking on anyone and had said no to other people who'd asked, so I didn't want to set myself up for rejection. But she said yes! And she is really lovely and enthusiastic about it. She's an addiction counsellor and a very long time in recovery, so I feel safe with her.

Between her and my fabulous one-to-one counsellor, I feel like I'm finally getting the right support system in place. I'm very lucky!

aabarnes1

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

Found my sponsor. I've thought for a long time that I'd love to have the balls to ask her, but I knew she wasn't taking on anyone and had said no to other people who'd asked, so I didn't want to set myself up for rejection. But she said yes! And she is really lovely and enthusiastic about it. She's an addiction counsellor and a very long time in recovery, so I feel safe with her.

Between her and my fabulous one-to-one counsellor, I feel like I'm finally getting the right support system in place. I'm very lucky!

Lady,
I am truly happy for you, well done.
You can proceed with your recovery now as you hoped for

Amazingfun

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

Found my sponsor. I've thought for a long time that I'd love to have the balls to ask her, but I knew she wasn't taking on anyone and had said no to other people who'd asked, so I didn't want to set myself up for rejection. But she said yes! And she is really lovely and enthusiastic about it. She's an addiction counsellor and a very long time in recovery, so I feel safe with her.

Between her and my fabulous one-to-one counsellor, I feel like I'm finally getting the right support system in place. I'm very lucky!

Think many of us can relate to the "balls" thing, haha, I remember how nervous I was when I was new. Now I am one of the ones they are scared to ask ---and you'll be in that seat someday yourself I'm sure.

Best of luck in this next phase of your journey, great adventures lie ahead for you both!

Matt.ie

Just glancing over this thread and it appears to me that posters invest a lot in other people or sponsors as they are known.

What you need to recover from alcoholism is a spiritual experience. ....
Not a sponsor.

Sounds like the sponsor you have acquired hasn't a clue what the 12th step is about nor has she read nor understood the recovery programme illustrated in the big book.

Pg 119 2nd paragraph I think.

Pg 129

Pg 146 last paragraph I think.

Read them.

They are all saying the same thing.
Working with other alcoholics is a must if we are to maintain sobriety. It is the number 1way of maintaining sobriety. The idea your new sponsor hesitated tells me that it is just going to meetings that is helping her maintain sobriety. I would run a mile from anyone who tells me to just not drink and keep coming back. .. that's a complete joke. ...actually that line is literally killing people. Find yourself someone who has done the recovery programme as laid out in the big book. Otherwise you are getting the opinion of a sick person and their own version of a recovery programme.

Are you willing to go to any lengths to recover from alcoholism?

Matt.ie

Do people know you can recover from this disease? I say this as I noticed the op sponsor is in recovery and has been in recovery for a long time now. Multiple times it mentions the word recovered in the big book.

If I can help anyone go through the recovery steps or the big book. Do not hesitate to pm me etc etc etc

aabarnes1

Quote:"What you need to recover from alcoholism is a spiritual experience. ....
Not a sponsor. "

Very very dangerous advice that my friend, we all need a sponsor to guide us through the program of AA. Emphasis on guide.
It is impossible to follow this program without a sponsor or mentor or guide of some description.

Yes, we have a spiritual experience that removes the obsession from us, and we go on to have a spiritual awakening as the result of the program. Continued sobriety is a daily reprieve contingent on maintaining a conscious contact with a Higher Power as we understood it.(p 85 BB)

Amazingfun

Matt? I am over 15 years sober and have not had a official "sponsor" at all during that time , lol.

Everything I post on here tries to point newcomers and those lurking to our Program in the 164 pages and promise how anyone who follows the "clear cut directions" CAN recover, if they wish.

But we live in a very weird age, where even other AA members take issue with what is our own message. In fact, the most heated opposition to the Big Book for me on here has been from other AA members!
It's frustrating, and I don't have an answer for you as to why this is, but I have my theories, ones I won't delve into here.

But I can share my experience. What I define as a "sponsor" is just someone who has had a genuine experience with the program, (all of it) and can assist in "taking another through the work". That's it. Because really, the Big Book and the authors of it ARE everyone's "sponsor": and that is what happened to me. It/they took me through it, and I recovered.
And now I share that experience with others.

When we are done, some of us becomes close friends, others carry on their journey and stay in touch from time to time , etc. I never encourage dependence upon ME, as it simply doesn't work.

No one is ever "ahead" of anyone, as I have seen far too many return to drinking, (some with many years sober) when they move away from the solution. It's a daily reprieve for us all.


Good to hear you on here!

A.

Matt.ie

aabarnes1 wrote: »

Quote:"What you need to recover from alcoholism is a spiritual experience. ....
Not a sponsor. "

Very very dangerous advice that my friend, we all need a sponsor to guide us through the program of AA. Emphasis on guide.
It is impossible to follow this program without a sponsor or mentor or guide of some description.

Yes, we have a spiritual experience that removes the obsession from us, and we go on to have a spiritual awakening as the result of the program. Continued sobriety is a daily reprieve contingent on maintaining a conscious contact with a Higher Power as we understood it.(p 85 BB)

pg 164

"you cannot transmit something you havent got"

you cannot give something away that you dont have.

my comment on the vital spiritual experience being necessary to recover from alcoholism is in the big book.

nothing dangerous about it at all.

what is dangerous,is telling someone to just not drink and keep going to meetings. if that bit of advice worked,we wouldnt need a higher power to restore us to sanity,we would be holding meetings in sports stadia and not renting out little halls or rooms from the church etc. im not for one minute saying you are or have ever told anyone just dont drink an all that. [/code]

aabarnes1

Matt.ie wrote: »

pg 164

"you cannot transmit something you havent got"

you cannot give something away that you dont have.

my comment on the vital spiritual experience being necessary to recover from alcoholism is in the big book.

nothing dangerous about it at all.

what is dangerous,is telling someone to just not drink and keep going to meetings. if that bit of advice worked,we wouldnt need a higher power to restore us to sanity,we would be holding meetings in sports stadia and not renting out little halls or rooms from the church etc. im not for one minute saying you are or have ever told anyone just dont drink an all that. [/code]

Did you read my post?

Matt.ie

aabarnes1 wrote: »

Did you read my post?

yes,what point have i missed or what is it you are trying to say?