2 years later...

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I split up with my ex wife (of 10 years) about 2 years ago now, it was a really messy break up where she cheated on me. We have 2 kids together so unfortunately I have to see her regularly - dropping off and collecting the kids. She's still with the same guy she cheated on with me so that makes it all a bit harder to deal with too.

Id love to just cut her out of my life but obviously can't. I still really resent her and can hardly talk to her at times - even now 2 years on. I stil get extremely upset and angry at times about everything. Months might pass and I'll feel fine then I'll start to feel angry all over again.

I've tried to deal with it by moving on - meeting new women, taking up new hobbies, and trying to focus on the kids as much as I can making them happy - but still can't shake this lingering bitterness and anger. I guess I'm just looking for some advice from anyone that's gone through a really hard break up like this. I'm considering counselling or something at the moment to try help.

Im not generally an emotional guy but Ive found all this so much harder to deal with than losing close family members in the past.

Thanks for any advice.

Tokyo

There's no fixed time limit on how quickly people get over these things, and two years isn't that long in the greater scheme of things. Given the nature of your breakup, it does sound like you got the **** end of the stick, and I imagine there was a large element of shock when it happened, so feeling bitter is quite understandable - very few people wouldn't feel the same way.

That being said, you've already highlighted the most important details yourself - you have kids togehter, so for better or for worse, you still have to interract with this woman on some level, and that's not going to change in the near future. The fact that you are already considering counselling is applaudable, and I'd certainly recommend it as your next step. As cliched as it might sound, having someone to talk your feelings out with is a huge step on the road to moving past something like this, and at the end of the day, it's better for your relationship with your children too, as whether you realise it or not, I'm sure they can detect your resentment towards their mother to some degree.

Spend a little time and find a counsellor in your area - someone you feel comfortable speaking to, and sign up for a few sessions. IT may very well give you the outlet you need to move on with your life. Good luck.

Brian?

My 2c: You should see a counsellor, therapy will help you work through the problem. It's not a matter of putting something behind you or burying some feeling.

Good luck

gifted

And walk with your head up high...remember she was the one who cheated....look them both straight in the eye and let them know that you are stronger than them...no words..just that look that let's her know that you are better off without her....you will get there OP....be strong for yourself and your kids.

road_high

barryt212 wrote: »

Hi all,

I split up with my ex wife (of 10 years) about 2 years ago now, it was a really messy break up where she cheated on me. We have 2 kids together so unfortunately I have to see her regularly - dropping off and collecting the kids. She's still with the same guy she cheated on with me so that makes it all a bit harder to deal with too.

Id love to just cut her out of my life but obviously can't. I still really resent her and can hardly talk to her at times - even now 2 years on. I stil get extremely upset and angry at times about everything. Months might pass and I'll feel fine then I'll start to feel angry all over again.

I've tried to deal with it by moving on - meeting new women, taking up new hobbies, and trying to focus on the kids as much as I can making them happy - but still can't shake this lingering bitterness and anger. I guess I'm just looking for some advice from anyone that's gone through a really hard break up like this. I'm considering counselling or something at the moment to try help.

Im not generally an emotional guy but Ive found all this so much harder to deal with than losing close family members in the past.

Thanks for any advice.

Give it time. Honestly things have a funny way of working out you know. People like that have very little moral compass or values (either of them)- I always judge likely future behaviour by past behaviours.
Anyhow I reckon you've given that pair fair too much headspace already, time to focus on you (and your kids).

It was one of the hardest, most despicable things to happen anyhow- made 100 times worse by the fact you to see them regularly. I think you are doing remarkably well considering.

silverharp

I know one man this happened to decades ago and he would still be hurt about it, so its perfectly normal. You did nothing wrong, live your life well and without desiring schadenfreude your wife's current relationship will probably go tits up at some stage. Keep your contact to the absolute minimum

Wanderer78

Counselling and exercise. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi All - op again here.

Thanks a lot for all of the advice and kind words - really is appreciated and means a lot. I'll go ahead and arrange counselling this week. I thought 2 years later id be well past any anger or bitterness but i guess these things just take lots of time.

Exercise yes - thanks for reinforcing that too. It's something i used to love and crave at any free minute i had - but lost all interest in it. I do a little bit but not nearly enough and know the benefits to the body and mind. So thanks

Thanks again internet people you all rock

Wanderer78

barryt212 wrote: »

Hi All - op again here.

Thanks a lot for all of the advice and kind words - really is appreciated and means a lot. I'll go ahead and arrange counselling this week. I thought 2 years later id be well past any anger or bitterness but i guess these things just take lots of time.

Exercise yes - thanks for reinforcing that too. It's something i used to love and crave at any free minute i had - but lost all interest in it. I do a little bit but not nearly enough and know the benefits to the body and mind. So thanks

Thanks again internet people you all rock

dont be afraid to search for new activities and hobbies to occupy your mind, this could also open new opportunities for socialising, possibly opening new opportunities for a future relationship. best of luck

LegacyUser

It is a horrible position to be in. The turth is you did nothing wrong here. She was the one who cheated on you and because you have kids together you still have to see her when you collect the kids.

I know you feel like lashing out but as one of the posters said here that some times things have a way of working themselves out. I would start to make plans in what to do in the evenings after work. I know when you going though a bad time it is easy to sit at home feeling bad. You just get into a rut and this is not good for you.

You need to get counselling this is will help you feel better and deal in a better way with your wife. You need to do this for your children as they may have noticed how daddy is towards mammy.

It is time for you to move on with your own life. You deserve to have a social life and in time meet another woman if this is something you want. good luck and with some counselling it will get easier.

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ligerdub

That sounds bloody horrible, particularly if I'm right in assuming you're watching them raise your children even though you were not in the wrong. It's a raw deal.

I can only say I wish you the best of strength and that your kids will know the value of you hanging in there for them.

pilly

I went through similar OP except I'm female. There's no set time on these things really.

It is kind of the same as a death but in some ways worse because you still have to see the person. I used to wish he was dead in the early days. I don't anymore. :-))

I had an excellent counsellor and that definitely helped. Also as the kids get older it gets easier too.

I know its a cliché but it just takes time unfortunately. Fair play to you for sticking by your kids and doing the right thing for them.

Best of luck.