Friends with a couple?

pilly

Afternoon all,

Okay, I'm friends with a guy through a group I'm in and we really get on well. However, I've met his wife also and she wants me to be her best friend because we're both female.

I find it very difficult to spend any time with her because we've nothing in common, I try my best to take an interest in what she likes and make conversation about it but she takes no interest in what I like and actually tells me straight out she's not interested in things I might want to discuss.

I really don't want to lose this guy as a friend and I still have to see him anyway in the group but I just can't force myself to spend anymore time with his wife, it's just too much hard work. Spent 3 hours there last night and he went out for half that time and left us as if we were going to have a nice "girlie chat". :mad:

Any advice?

Emme

pilly wrote: »

Afternoon all,

Okay, I'm friends with a guy through a group I'm in and we really get on well. However, I've met his wife also and she wants me to be her best friend because we're both female.

I find it very difficult to spend any time with her because we've nothing in common, I try my best to take an interest in what she likes and make conversation about it but she takes no interest in what I like and actually tells me straight out she's not interested in things I might want to discuss.

I really don't want to lose this guy as a friend and I still have to see him anyway in the group but I just can't force myself to spend anymore time with his wife, it's just too much hard work. Spent 3 hours there last night and he went out for half that time and left us as if we were going to have a nice "girlie chat". :mad:

Any advice?

The wife may feel threatened by you and this is why she's "friendly" with you. It's a way of keeping tabs on her husband.

BetsyEllen

Emme wrote: »

The wife may feel threatened by you and this is why she's "friendly" with you. It's a way of keeping tabs on her husband.

This is exactly what it is - keep your friends close and your enemies closer!

OK enemy may not be the right choice of word but you may be a potential threat in her eyes so if you're close by, she can keep an eye on your relationship with her husband.

pilly

Emme wrote: »

The wife may feel threatened by you and this is why she's "friendly" with you. It's a way of keeping tabs on her husband.

I honestly don't think so, they're both 20 years younger than I am and she's much slimmer and better looking, so no reason for her to feel that way. I think it's actually that she doesn't have any friends here. They're not from Ireland but are living here 11 years.

Maybe I'm finding out why she doesn't have any friends. :P She just has no interest in talking about what others are interested in if that makes sense?

Like for example current affairs, I like to keep abreast of news and I'm genuinely interested but no she'll just say "don't want to know". Or I took up creative writing and it's "what the hell are you doing for? Have you nothing else to do?".

Big Bag of Chips

Why are you hanging around with her?!! If he wasn't there for an hour and a half why didn't you just make your excuses and head home!

pilly

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why are you hanging around with her?!! If he wasn't there for an hour and a half why didn't you just make your excuses and head home!

Because he was coming back and we were going somewhere. She invites me every week and I go probably every second week because otherwise I'm afraid he'll take offence that I'm being rude.

Big Bag of Chips

Well it's rude of him to organise something with you and then disappear. Who cares if she thinks you're rude?! She's being rude to you!

Make your excuses that you can't meet him/her before. Arrange a time that you are meeting for whatever the activity is, and meet him there. You're putting yourself out for someone who isn't considering you at all. So stop!

Rekop dog

Must say it's a bit of a bizarre dynamic. How much do you have in common with the guy who is 20 years younger than you? That's a big age gap for friends. I mean I'd have acquaintances 20 years older than me that I'd socialise with at a work night or whatever but wouldn't actively pursue a friendship with them as they'd generally be at very different stages of their lives.

Clampdown

pilly wrote: »

I honestly don't think so, they're both 20 years younger than I am and she's much slimmer and better looking, so no reason for her to feel that way. I think it's actually that she doesn't have any friends here. They're not from Ireland but are living here 11 years.

Maybe I'm finding out why she doesn't have any friends. :P She just has no interest in talking about what others are interested in if that makes sense?

Like for example current affairs, I like to keep abreast of news and I'm genuinely interested but no she'll just say "don't want to know". Or I took up creative writing and it's "what the hell are you doing for? Have you nothing else to do?".

I do creative writing myself and art, and if anyone ever made a comment like that to me, it would be the last time I spoke to them. Because they're not only rude but obviously we have little in common.

She isn't interested in current events, obviously doesn't think reading is important. No wonder her husband wants to offload her to you and get away, She sounds really unintelligent as well as rude. She's probably gotten away with it for so long bc a you say, she's slim and good looking. Lots of women get away with crap personalities due to their looks.

njs030

Clampdown wrote: »

I do creative writing myself and art, and if anyone ever made a comment like that to me, it would be the last time I spoke to them. Because they're not only rude but obviously we have little in common.

She isn't interested in current events, obviously doesn't think reading is important. No wonder her husband wants to offload her to you and get away, She sounds really unintelligent as well as rude. She's probably gotten away with it for so long bc a you say, she's slim and good looking. Lots of women get away with crap personalities due to their looks.

That's very very judgemental of you.

I'm not interested in creative writing or art, someone talking about it would bore me to tears.
I wouldn't find current events particularly riveting and find people who discuss them in public usually have very strong views that they like to air loudly and won't listen to other points of view.
Does that mean I'm unintelligent and don't like to read? No of course not, you're jumping to conclusions and being very unfair....because she's attractive it seems???

People are allowed to have different interests and as the op has said they aren't Irish I would guess they are from a culture where it's not seen as rude to dismiss things you aren't interested in talking about.
Not everyone feels a need to politely listen to things that bore them like we do.

Op if you don't like her don't spend time with her but understand her husband may not want to spend time with you if you don't like his wife.

pilly

Rekop dog wrote:

Must say it's a bit of a bizarre dynamic. How much do you have in common with the guy who is 20 years younger than you? That's a big age gap for friends. I mean I'd have acquaintances 20 years older than me that I'd socialise with at a work night or whatever but wouldn't actively pursue a friendship with them as they'd generally be at very different stages of their lives.

The group that we're both members of is what we have in common and we go to meetings together. I don't think it's odd at all. As you get a bit older age doesn't make any difference to a friendship.

Very often you'd find, this is only my experience now, mind, that people who tell you they. are into creative writing and art actually mean that they are into ~their~ creative writing and art and erm is that really the time......

Clampdown

snoop and notjustsweet, you're missing the point.

OP says she tells a friend about an activity she is involved in and is told 'What the hell are you doing that for?' That's not how you talk to someone you want to be friends with. And it does make the person sound rude and unintelligent. Even if you don't share the interest, you don't put it down that way to a friend.

Fwiw, I don't expect friends who aren't interested in creative things to talk about them. And I rarely talk about my own work to anyone unless asked.

Can't see why you are making it out like OP is boring the person with pretentious artspeak when they are simply telling this person they are supposed to try to get on with about their hobbies an are getting shut down very abruptly. And I disagree that anyone who wants to talk about current events just wants to loudly spout their opinion. Plenty of people are capable of discussing things without going overboard and can even discuss them with those who they disagree with, which is IMO preferable to someone who just won't discuss anything and says 'I don't want to know', which likely translates to 'Doesn't affect me so I don't care.'

Addle

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well it's rude of him to organise something with you and then disappear!

Are you sure he wants to be your friend OP and isn't just looking for a mate for his missus?

Big Bag of Chips

I was thinking that, Addle. Strange that he'd bring you to his house and then disappear for an hour and a half.

njs030

Clampdown wrote: »

snoop and notjustsweet, you're missing the point.

OP says she tells a friend about an activity she is involved in and is told 'What the hell are you doing that for?' That's not how you talk to someone you want to be friends with. And it does make the person sound rude and unintelligent. Even if you don't share the interest, you don't put it down that way to a friend.

Fwiw, I don't expect friends who aren't interested in creative things to talk about them. And I rarely talk about my own work to anyone unless asked.

Can't see why you are making it out like OP is boring the person with pretentious artspeak when they are simply telling this person they are supposed to try to get on with about their hobbies an are getting shut down very abruptly. And I disagree that anyone who wants to talk about current events just wants to loudly spout their opinion. Plenty of people are capable of discussing things without going overboard and can even discuss them with those who they disagree with, which is IMO preferable to someone who just won't discuss anything and says 'I don't want to know', which likely translates to 'Doesn't affect me so I don't care.'

I wasn't missing the point I was replying to the poster who thought it reasonable to say everyone without these interests must be unintelligent and not like reading. Oh and that attractive women have crap personalities. Sweeping generalisations aren't acceptable.

As I said in my post the couple aren't Irish, she has no friends so hasn't learned Irish manners and may be acting in the way that is normal in her own country.

As also said if op doesn't like it she doesn't have to be friends with her but she can't expect to be friends with the woman's husband then.

Rekop dog

pilly wrote: »

The group that we're both members of is what we have in common and we go to meetings together. I don't think it's odd at all. As you get a bit older age doesn't make any difference to a friendship.

But he's trying to avoid you when you visit, so maybe he doesn't feel the same friendship connection you do. Seems like a not so subtle sign that he doesn't want you around as much as you are.

pilly

Rekop dog wrote:

But he's trying to avoid you when you visit, so maybe he doesn't feel the same friendship connection you do. Seems like a not so subtle sign that he doesn't want you around as much as you are.

No you're wrong there. He's not trying to avoid me. It is always him that makes contact with me. Not the other way around.

pilly

notjustsweet wrote:

People are allowed to have different interests and as the op has said they aren't Irish I would guess they are from a culture where it's not seen as rude to dismiss things you aren't interested in talking about. Not everyone feels a need to politely listen to things that bore them like we do.

I agree people are allowed to have different interests but I'm not boring anyone. Simply said I took up a class. It's called trying to make conversation.

Vela

Hey OP

If you don't have anything in common with her then you don't have to be friends with her. Be civil, but there's no need to make any massive effort. What is it with those couples who insist on sharing every single part of their lives? If you're friends with this guy then you clearly get on well - but that doesn't mean you've an obligation to become besties with his missus. I've a close friend who has a GF much younger than him (and me) whom I've zero in common with, and I've always been polite to her but that's it.

In this case, you clearly made an effort with the girl (fair play) and now you know that you just don't click. So let your male friend know the score (and tell him to stop fecking off and leaving you guys alone for hours), and leave it at that. It doesn't have to be a big deal. I get that maybe she's insecure, etc., but that's her problem, in fairness.

njs030

pilly wrote: »

I agree people are allowed to have different interests but I'm not boring anyone. Simply said I took up a class. It's called trying to make conversation.

I think I've said this multiple times and you've ignored it but as she's from a different country perhaps she's acting in a way she used to in her culture?

It might be called trying to make conversation but she doesn't have to be interested in your choice of topic the same way youre not interested in hers.

As already said just stop spending time with her.

pilly

Vela wrote:

In this case, you clearly made an effort with the girl (fair play) and now you know that you just don't click. So let your male friend know the score (and tell him to stop fecking off and leaving you guys alone for hours), and leave it at that. It doesn't have to be a big deal. I get that maybe she's insecure, etc., but that's her problem, in fairness.

Thanks Vela, good to get some constructive advice.

pilly

notjustsweet wrote:

As also said if op doesn't like it she doesn't have to be friends with her but she can't expect to be friends with the woman's husband then.

So you can't be friends with only one half of a couple?

njs030

pilly wrote: »

So you can't be friends with only one half of a couple?

I think that's up to the couple themselves to decide not the op.

If the op doesn't want to spend time with the wife then don't but it seems to have been made clear she won't be spending time alone with the husband and that's their choice to make and should be respected. I can't imagine it's going to change TBH.

December2012

Is English her first language?

Merkin

pilly wrote: »

The group that we're both members of is what we have in common and we go to meetings together. I don't think it's odd at all. As you get a bit older age doesn't make any difference to a friendship.

What kind of group? Does she attend meetings?

pilly

December2012 wrote:

Is English her first language?

No

pilly

Merkin wrote:

What kind of group? Does she attend meetings?

No she doesn't.

Emme

Perhaps the husband wants his wife to get out and make more friends. That is to be expected. He probably joined the group to get a bit of a life of his own and thought that you might help his wife come out of herself. Would you be able to talk to him and see if there is any plan you can come up with to help her forge out on her own socially?

Bandana boy

Don't make plans that are in his house , have a neutral environment (coffee house etc ) , that way if he brings her and heads of for an errand you can make same excuse and go window shopping or home .Guarantee he will not walk of a second time if she ends up on her todd .

If you are making plans that include his house ask him to be firm on plans in advance and not waste 90 mins of your time off doing errands , you can claim busy schedule not a problem with his wife if you like.

pilly

Emme wrote:

Perhaps the husband wants his wife to get out and make more friends. That is to be expected. He probably joined the group to get a bit of a life of his own and thought that you might help his wife come out of herself. Would you be able to talk to him and see if there is any plan you can come up with to help her forge out on her own socially?

You could be right there. I've suggested she go to a mother and toddler group but that was dismissed. It's hard to think of things because she doesn't seem to have many interests at all.

njs030

pilly wrote: »

You could be right there. I've suggested she go to a mother and toddler group but that was dismissed. It's hard to think of things because she doesn't seem to have many interests at all.

What interests does she have?

Panrich

pilly wrote: »

You could be right there. I've suggested she go to a mother and toddler group but that was dismissed. It's hard to think of things because she doesn't seem to have many interests at all.

Do they have a young child also? I'd imagine she might see your suggestion as a way to keep her occupied while you can spend more time with her husband.

pilly

Panrich wrote:

Do they have a young child also? I'd imagine she might see your suggestion as a way to keep her occupied while you can spend more time with her husband.

Yes they do have a small child. Why would I suggest a mother and toddler group otherwise?

The amount of paranoia going around is crazy. There's no way she thinks that because I work every day and so does he.

Addle

You don't have the relationship you want/expect with either of them OP.

Why are you so determined to hold onto him?

pilly

Addle wrote:

Why are you so determined to hold onto him?

I'm not really. I have to see him at our group whether I like it or not so just trying to figure a way to stay away from the wife without seeming rude and falling out.

Addle

pilly wrote: »

I'm not really. I have to see him at our group whether I like it or not so just trying to figure a way to stay away from the wife without seeming rude and falling out.

Is it not just as simple as not meeting him/them outside of the group?

pilly

Addle wrote:

Is it not just as simple as not meeting him/them outside of the group?

Yes it is until he continually invites me to the house. I suppose I'll just have to be rude and say "no, sorry I don't enjoy it".

Not getting much constructive advice here. Just cynical people posting with their own agendas.

Big Bag of Chips

What advice are you looking for pilly? Realistically nobody here can advise you on how to change her attitude! It's hers. All we can offer you is advice to either avoid situations where you are left alone with her or grin and bear it!

You can make excuses without bring rude. You can come up with little white lies about somewhere else you need to be, or simple say 'I can't this evening'. He's obviously not inviting you over to spend time with him, because he goes out to let you two ladies 'bond'. If you're not bonding with her, then there's no point in going there.

There doesn't have to be a falling out, or any reason to be rude.

juno10353

Spent 3 hours there last night and he went out for half that time and left us as if we were going to have a nice "girlie chat


A 20 year older woman visiting for 3 hours prior to going out with my husband would seem extreme to me. More so if english was not my first language. Secondly being expected to entertain same woman whilst my husband leaves for 1.5 hours would be a real strain, especially being the mother of a young child. Maybe the husband is inviting you into his home and family as they think YOU are lonely and need a friend. A young mum may not have time for the arts and current affairs while looking after a toddler. Be friends with husband at your group meetings. If visiting dont outstay welcome (3 hours is too much). Be mindful that this is a young family, in their own home and you are the outsider.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah, maybe now because he's started inviting you over, and you've gone a few times, maybe he feels obliged to invite you now. If she's being rude or short with you, maybe she doesn't want you there anymore than you want to be there!!

Just be 'busy' for the next few weeks until he stops asking you.

pilly

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

What advice are you looking for pilly? Realistically nobody here can advise you on how to change her attitude! It's hers. All we can offer you is advice to either avoid situations where you are left alone with her or grin and bear it!

I suppose I was looking for advice from someone who was friends with one half of a couple and didn't get on with the other.

Overwhelmingly the advice seems to be to stay away so I'll just do that.

What I don't appreciate is veiled insults for no good reason.

Not from yourself by the way but plenty of others.

It's a shame that people of different ages and sexes can't be seen as genuine friends but there you have it.

Thanks to those who actually tried to be constructive.

Addle

From what you told us OP, he wasn't always treating you like a genuine friend.
You're ignoring that.

Big Bag of Chips

pilly wrote: »

I suppose I was looking for advice from someone who was friends with one half of a couple and didn't get on with the other.

It would work of he saw you as HIS friend, separate to his wife. But it seems he sees you as a companion for his wife. I doubt anybody who is friends with one half of a couple and not really the other would spend hours in their house alone. The friendship would be carried out separate to the other person, as in, in a different location!! So your friendship with him should be carried out at the activity. Not in his house.. You can't really carrying on the friendship with him if he's no there!!

You don't have to stay away from him. You just have to stay away from their house.

pilly

Addle wrote:

From what you told us OP, he wasn't always treating you like a genuine friend. You're ignoring that.

And that's a fair enough point. Maybe he is just looking for a friend for his wife and I'll have to make it clear that it's not gonna be me.

Rekop dog

It seems all you wanted was people to reaffirm your views towards his wife. They welcomed you into their house and you repay them by bad mouthing them on an internet forum. If people's opinions didn't match yours here you called them non constructive or having an agenda.

Hard to put finger on it but there's a slightly off feel to your posting, I'm not sure you've been fully honest with your feelings, you seem easily irritable and a little too invested in this friend.

pilly

Rekop dog wrote: »

It seems all you wanted was people to reaffirm your views towards his wife. They welcomed you into their house and you repay them by bad mouthing them on an internet forum. If people's opinions didn't match yours here you called them non constructive or having an agenda.

Hard to put finger on it but there's a slightly off feel to your posting, I'm not sure you've been fully honest with your feelings, you seem easily irritable and a little too invested in this friend.

I am irritable about it to be honest but I should have expected no more. I was trying to voice a legitimate worry out loud on an anonymous forum for a start, it's not like I posted up on FB that I couldn't stand her so get off your soapbox about me posting on the internet.

Secondly, I'm irritated that people immediately jump on the posting with negativity like, "you're too old to be friends", "you can't be friends with him and not his wife", "he's only using you as a friend for his wife", "they feel sorry for you" blah blah blah.

Frankly it's coming from people who've obviously been screwed over in the past by their husband or wives friends or it's coming from people who are just as un-interesting and don't like to see themselves pointed out in someone's else criticism.

Either way, no skin off my nose, I should have known better, any post in personal issues is immediately jumped on by people who want to knock others. I won't be posting to ask for advice in the forum again.

Out of all the posts there were maybe 3 that were useful and no they weren't all about confirming my opinion of my friends wife. The ones about meeting elsewhere etc. were somewhat useful but not enough so as to listen to the innuendo from bitter spiteful people with nothing better to do.

By the way I AM invested in the friendship because I have to attend this group and it works a lot better if there's no atmosphere between members.

Greenduck

This forum can be good OP so don't lose hope. I find that across boards there is a keyboard warrior, hyper PC brigade that can be so critical of anything thats posted. You need a serious tough skin to ask advice about anything!

Its sounds to me like the guy wants his wife to make some friends and you seem like an easy target. At the end of the day you are an adult and can be friends with whoever you please. If this woman is wrecking your head (thats your own feelings - no one can tell you your wrong) just distance yourself from them as respectfully as you can.

pilly

Greenduck wrote: »

This forum can be good OP so don't lose hope. I find that across boards there is a keyboard warrior, hyper PC brigade that can be so critical of anything thats posted. You need a serious tough skin to ask advice about anything!

Its sounds to me like the guy wants his wife to make some friends and you seem like an easy target. At the end of the day you are an adult and can be friends with whoever you please. If this woman is wrecking your head (thats your own feelings - no one can tell you your wrong) just distance yourself from them as respectfully as you can.

Thanks, that's exactly what I'll have to do. I do have a thick skin but it really bugs me when people just get nasty for the sake of getting nasty. And when they take their own past troubles out on random people online.

Tokyo

Mod:

pilly, the nature of the PI forum is such that posters may not always like what they hear, either because the truth hurts, or posters don't have the full picture of the OP's situation. Whatever side of the fence this thread falls, posters have taken time out of their day to try and help you with your situation, and disagreeing with what you hear is not grounds for making disparaging comments towards them.

As you have made it clear that you feel the opinions expressed here are not relevant to your situation, I feel it's pointless to let this continue. Thread closed, and I wish you the best with your situation.

~Mike