I feel trapped

LegacyUser

So I've been going out with a girl for the last four years. She is only my second real girlfriend and by far my longest relationship. When I met her, at 25, I had little success with women. In the last two or three years my self confidence has come on in leaps and bounds and so has my attractiveness, it seems.

I've turned down a number of women over the last few years and to be honest it's really messing with my head. I should be happy with my girlfriend but I constantly think of sleeping with other women.

I'm pretty sure my issues are due to missing out on casual sex in my teens and early twenties. I know that will sound trivial and petty to many, but believe me, being ignored by women as a young man can have serious effects on your mental health and self esteem.

I'm now seriously thinking of dumping my gf, who loves me, just to sleep around. I know that will make sound like a terrible person but what should I do? I'm open to all advice and opinions

Tokyo

I'm not going to argue the selfishness or not of the situation - there's nothing inherently wrong with realising you want more than your relationship can give you, even if the reasons do come across as superficial. But your thread title says it all really - you feel trapped, and from the sounds of things, your head has already checked out of the relationship, your body is just waiting to catch up. So yes, you probably should finish things with your girlfriend, for her sake if nothing else. She deserves to find somebody who is invested in her, and in the frame of mind to be in a relationship with her. By your own admission, you are neither at this point in time.

leggo

Yeah, everything you're saying is natural and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling that way. I think most people go through similar phases in their life where they need to get stuff out of their system and that can sadly coincide with them being in a relationship too. You feel this way and there's no point fighting it, it'll end badly if you try, you're fighting biology and biology usually wins that battle.

Just also prepare yourself for the possibility that you break up and these women who seem to be everywhere go missing. That can happen too. I joke that the best way to get a girl is to have one already and that when you're actually free and trying to get some it can dry up fast. But still, that possibility doesn't mean it's a bad idea to break up when you feel this way and it's probably kinder on your girlfriend to let her go and start finding someone who doesn't feel this way with her.

Bambi985

Break up with her and don't ruminate on it for too long. You'd only be stringing her along, your feelings are very obviously not going to change.

i will say though that by far the most attention i get off men is when i'm with my boyfriend. Like, physically with him walking down the street holding hands, or else at some social event without him. because my "romance radar" if we can call it that is switched off, i'm not self-conscious or concerned about who is or isn't looking at me because i'm not out to meet men - i already have one waiting at home for me. it's a sort of comfort you don't always necessarily have when you're single and it's the easiest way to attract someone

i've talked about it with friends of both genders loads over the years and they all say the same thing. there's nothing quite as enticing as a fella who's not available romantically and has already got that "stamp of approval" off another woman. to be completely crude it's like you no longer have the smell of want off you and you don't care about impressing any woman.

anyway yeah, go be single because that's obviously what you need to do.

Rekop dog

Nobody here can decide for you. It's up to you to weigh up the potential pros and cons of both option and ultimately make your decision on what will make you most happy.

Are you selfish- yes. I don't believe in selfless acts, I think they can all be traced back to selfishness on some level. I get the feeling without you actually saying it, that you think you can get a better looking partner now you feel you're more confident.

But what leggo says is true, we're probably at our most attractive to woman when we're unavailable, so don't expect everything to seamlessly fall into place for you if you do end it.

Wesser

Do you love her?

redfox123

Yes, finish with her. You know she will probably want a commitment over the next while and you are thinking you can do better, you want other women. You are craving that validation from them that you think you should have got when younger and are looking forward to them lining up for you after the gf is dumped. You don't really care that's it's superficial, you feel the way you feel. Because she loves you is not the reason to stay, you don't love her (or love her enough). It's not about biology as the above poster says, otherwise every guy in a relationship would feel the same as you. This is more ego based, it would validate you and make you feel better about yourself to go sleep with a load of women. There are many men that have had just 1 or 2 girlfriends and not slept around but don't feel like you feel and still just want their gf.
You're bored and the grass looks greener. I'm not saying it's good or bad, it is what it is. But it is unfair on your girlfriend, no woman would want to stay with their boyfriend if he was thinking like you're thinking. I presume she has no idea this is what you feel, if so you're being dishonest, she is not a priority to you, you need to end it.

leggo

redfox123 wrote: »

Yes, finish with her. You know she will probably want a commitment over the next while and you are thinking you can do better, you want other women. You are craving that validation from them that you think you should have got when younger and are looking forward to them lining up for you after the gf is dumped. You don't really care that's it's superficial, you feel the way you feel. Because she loves you is not the reason to stay, you don't love her (or love her enough). It's not about biology as the above poster says, otherwise every guy in a relationship would feel the same as you. This is more ego based, it would validate you and make you feel better about yourself to go sleep with a load of women. There are many men that have had just 1 or 2 girlfriends and not slept around but don't feel like you feel and still just want their gf.

I think this is one of those situations where we agree but we don't: it's biologically programmed into us to seek the best possible partner we can (the word best meaning a wide array of things based on our personal preferences and needs). So when people feel like they can't get anyone else, sure they'll be satisfied with what they can get, but when they realise they can get other people, we're hard-wired to want to seek those options. And once you have that 'awakening' of sorts (if you don't have it growing up, as per the OP), it's totally natural to want to explore it and to then settle down again once you're satisfied you're with the best possible partner.

I think you made it sound a bit crude and that's unfair on the OP. This kind of thing isn't always pleasant because it trivialises humans, it almost ranks them and feelings can get hurt along the way, but it's very, very natural too.

redfox123

Apologies if it came across crude, but I think your explanation is more so tbh, you're saying that men who are happy with their partners and not craving sleeping with others are like that because they feel they can't get anyone else? It's not because their heart is in the relationship no? I think most people could probably, if they tried, with all the dating apps etc available, find another attractive (or even more so) person out there. But maybe their self worth is not so focused on this one area. I'm just saying it's seems an ego thing, the op didn't get validation when younger and his whole self confidence and self worth seemed dependant on what women thought of him. That kind of thinking is what needed and needs to change, really, but to be honest, he will need to end his relationship and go find out that for himself. Apart from the validation thing though, sometimes people want to know they could sleep with others, that's ok, I just don't think there's much of a dilemma here, the OP didn't even say he loves his gf, he doesn't want to commit to her and that's probably the next step. There would be a dilemma if he said he is madly in love with her and is a bit torn because he feels he missed out that bit when younger but all he says is how much he wants to sleep with other people now.

As I said it's not good nor bad, not about what's selfish or not, it's reality, bottom line is he is no longer happy with his gf, no ruminating over what is wrong or right will change how he feels. If I knew my OH felt like this I'd want the relationship to end. So it's only fair that he lets her go find someone who doesn't really want anyone else.

silverharp

OP, I just get the feeling she isnt the one for you regardless of your motives now. At 29 and being together for 4 years your relationship hasn't progressed? without prompting had you considered getting engaged? buying a place? starting a family? if not seriously then you may have stayed with her out of fear of being single perhaps?

leggo

redfox123 wrote: »

Apologies if it came across crude, but I think your explanation is more so tbh, you're saying that men who are happy with their partners and not craving sleeping with others are like that because they feel they can't get anyone else?

That's not what I said, not even close. I said what I said in writing so there's no need for you to say, "So you're saying..." and then completely change what I said. Just read and quote me on what I said: people are programmed to seek the person that best fits their needs (whatever they may be, be it looks, sex drive, emotional etc). And if they feel that they can get someone that suits that better than their current partner, they're going to want that. It's the same problem that every single person who writes a thread about whether or not they should break-up has, the OP was just really honest in laying it out here as he seems to be in touch with his feelings.

Adding the "It's all about ego" bomb just comes across as a bit of a dig at the OP tbh, like you're trying to passive-aggressively trivialise his feelings by suggesting he's some kind of fragile, insecure lamb who needs to be validated, when, no, he just feels he can do better than his current situation and that's left him unhappy in said situation.

Truth is, it's really straightforward: the OP has likely, in his mind, out-grown his current girlfriend. His value has gone up because he's made changes as the years have gone on, and maybe hers hasn't. Or maybe he just feels more confident in himself and wants to explore the world through that lens for a while without having anything to hold him back. There is nothing wrong with that, even if having it laid out in full makes people uncomfortable.

redfox123

'when people feel like they can't get anyone else, sure they'll be satisfied with what they can get'
This is what you said. I'm not getting into a back and forth. I just think most people if they were to think objectively and coldly could probably find someone in the over 7.4billion people out there that would be better matches..if you were to take things out of the equation like love, closeness and intimacy, connection, shared history, all the things that make it an actual real relationship. So im saying most people don't absolutely need this validation, so the thing that's missing here is the important one that makes the bond strong and that's love and connection. As I said a few times it's not about what's right or wrong or that the reality is uncomfortable, fact is that the OP doesn't want to commit to just her, so should break up. He obviously feels bad but shouldn't it's not his fault he feels the way he does. He hasn't said what's good about the relationship at all, or if he is even attracted to her, and I think that speaks volumes.

Tokyo

redfox123, leggo - please rein it in a little. The back and forth lends nothing to the thread, and detracts form the OP's issue.

~Mike

GingerLily

OP, I definitely think you will regret your decision one way or the other.
If you stay with her any longer you'll just resent being tied down, if you leave her you'll realise that the grass is always greener
--but I think you should leave her, she deserves a partner that's 100% commited so do the right thing and leave her so you can figure out what exactly you want, don't string her along.

LegacyUser

I was faced with a similar decision when I was 26. Stay or go. We had been together for 2.5 yrs. Was happy with a girl but felt an inch and thought the single life would be great. I decided to break up and regretted it after a year or so. Never met anyone after that I had that connection with.

I think there can be the right person at the wrong time of your life. There is no answer really.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks everyone for their comments and advice.

Basically I feel paralyzed over this. I probably should break up with her, sooner rather than later. Thing is I don't want to hurt her, we nearly broke up two years and she was devastated.

Life would probably be easier if I was a psychopath with no empathy. Still, more than anything I am cowardly.

Emme

OP she has given you four years of her life, helped you develop as a person and increase in self-confidence. Now you seem to think she isn't hot enough for you and you want to find someone better or to sleep around. Don't waste any more of her time. Let her go now so she can find somebody who deserves her and who is interested in a LTR with her. She may want children and if she's 29 cannot waste any more time with somebody who has a lot of growing up to do.

LegacyUser

I unfortunately have no solution to offer as essentially I am in the Same situation as the op but am maybe further down the road, but maybe some advice.

I live with my gf of 3 years, I'm 29 and she's my 1st girlfriend.

Late to the game confidance-wise, feel I missed out on that whole section of life regarding going out, casual relationships etc as the op explained, and it really has affected the relationship.

I love my girlfriend very much and we have discussed and agreed that we are on different pages in life/development as shes more content and is over with that stage of life, which is perfectly fine.

Weighing up the grass is always greener theory and more than anything else, how much we love each other I decided on the course of action of accepting that unfortunately, as can happen in life that the timing just isn't ideal.

But I'd do anything for my girlfriend and am trying to accept that that time is just off the table for me now and that ship has sailed as I have gotten something much much more valuable and prescious already and know myself the extent I love her.


This is a decision I made intellectually and absolutely would be thrilled to get my thoughts around to by default, but it can be difficult.
Maybe it's force of habit I am trying to break out of or maybe it's just trying to force a new frame of thought upon myself but it's not as easy as snapping your fingers and changing a frame of mind despite conscious effort. Maybe it's not an appropiate or fair solution at all that I have decided to persue but I have to make the effort and not bolt at the first sign of restlessness etc

In terms of advice for the op I can't say if the path I took is right or wrong for myself let alone anybody else but for sure it's better to talk it out with ur partner.

I just brough up that I felt bad looking back on my time that I didn't go out socialzing more etc etc obv its not fun to explain that your current life isn't enough to over come that feeling but it's just better to calmly and sussinctly explain how you feel.

Best of luck

milli milli

Look it's completely normal for guys to want to sow their oats. Not all guys want to, but most do. The OP didn't get that chance due to confidence issues (his own admission) and now feels that itch.
It doesn't make him a bad person, but unfortunately he's got a great girlfriend and it has nothing to do with her.

Like others have said, he might find out the grass isn't greener, he might have a great time, he might find someone better, or he might seriously regret the decision. That's for him to find out, nobody can predict what will happen. But he does need to get this out of his system. It's bad news for the girlfriend but if he stood by her, it could lead to bitterness or infidelity.

As a woman I would have been happy to be with my first boyfriend forever but I know as men and women we are very different. I may not like that guys naturally want to be with different women but I acknowledge it.

Just be aware that if things don't work OP, you won't be able to go back to your girlfriend. Realise that if you break up with her now, there is a slim-to-none chance of getting back with her if things don't work out for you.
If you're OK with that, then do let her down gently and let her find someone who is ready for commitment.
Best of luck.

redfox123

I really don't think we can generalise about men, yes we are very different but honestly it's down to the individual person and whether the relationship is right for the long haul. That's a huge decision. You need to be sure and also for both to be at a certain level of maturity and happy within themselves.
My first and second serious boyfriends were both virgins when I started going out with them and they genuinely didn't want to go through the stage of seeing other people, (yes I know they are going to say that and I'm sure they wondered what it would be like, like most people in long term relationships), but both wanted to settle down! It was me that felt ultimately I didn't love them enough to stay with them, and obviously that meant breaking up and being with other people, but the point is that it was because deep down they weren't right for me and I was bored. I think guys focus more on the actual sleeping with other people part of breaking up, but I think it's just more socially acceptable for them to admit that than women!!
As the others have said there is no way to know what the right decision is, but I'm gathering you've felt like this for a while, and it's not just a short phase of doubt, in which case you need to make that decision. You're actually doing her a favour, in time she will realise you couldn't have stayed with her feeling like you do and she needs to be with someone who is sure.

Yourself isit

There's a guy called conor74 who keeps starting threads in AH about how he is still madly in love with the woman he met when he was 12. Now his wife.

Seems, as much as you can tell on the Internet, a guy comfortable in his own skin.

I know plenty of guys like that. The "sow your wild oats" theory isn't universal.

Op the reason you feel more attractive now is because 1) you are probably more confident having a partner and 2) also are talking to women normally – not seeing every conversation as a chatup.

I have no advice for you on the relationship – of the spark is gone it is gone. But, you may find your confidence dies with the relationship.