Younger adult sibling wants to take charge after death of mum

5rtytry56

My mum (83) died more than a week ago.
There are 2 siblings, I am the eldest, 3.5 years older.

Now it is clear that my sister wants to take charge of "babysitting" dad and me.
I live in the parents house.

I am keeping things vague.

But this illustrates the issue:
She lives in her own accommodation. Previously she stayed overnight and 2 more nights for the funeral mass and burial.
Yesterday, my sister came up unannounced. Then, she "lost" the key to her own accommodation. She told Dad. Later that night, a neighbour up the road came up and called to the door, one of the neighbours children of my generation. She was aggressive with the neighbour - I will be apologising to that family the next time I meet them. Going back to the "lost key" Dad asked her about a spare key, etc. and getting a key cut. She mumbled an answer and deflected it.
This morning, she "found" her key again, and returned to her place.


Dad has told me that he is upset by her.

Ursus Horribilis

Does your sister own or rent where she's living now? Is she working? Does she live nearby?
Reading between the lines, I get the impression that all is not well between you all. Is this an ongoing issue?

5rtytry56

Is this an ongoing issue?
Yes. She lives a Dublin Bus ride away, although one has to walk for 15 minutes to the bus stop from parents house. Also, a bus service like the 18. Not the 18.

Would that be something that's feasible?
personality clash.
But I let her take over her management. If I make a suggestion, the makes her very angry invariably

Dial Hard

5rtytry56 wrote:

Also, a bus service like the 18. Not the 18.

Not really sure why this is relevant?

But anyway, why don't you just talk to her? Tell her straight out she was rude to the visitor and ask her what her plans are going forward in terms of your dad.

5rtytry56

Dial Hard wrote: »

But anyway, why don't you just talk to her? Tell her straight out she was rude to the visitor and ask her what her plans are going forward in terms of your dad.

This will enrage her. 100% guaranteed.

Tokyo

First of all, let me say that I am sorry for your loss.

One thing that immediately jumps out of your post is that it's only been a week since your mother passed away, and as such, you, your sister, and your father are all still grieving, and dealing with it in your own way. It's an emotional time, and perhaps not the best time to expect prople to keep their emotions in check.

I'm presuming that your sister lives alone, as she had nobody to let her into her own home. So is it possible perhaps that she may simply not have wanted to be alone, and came up with the ruse of a lost key, rather than admit her feelings to you and your father? Because, to be honest, "stayed overnight and 2 more nights for the funeral mass and burial" doesn't sound like someone who wants to take charge, it simply sounds like a person who needs to be around family at a tough point in their life. And is it possible that you, being used to living at home, on your own, are being more sensitive to that than usual, and feel that your toes are been trodden upon?

For now, I wouldn't turn it into a big deal - you may live to regret it later, when cooler heads prevail. Your neighbour will understand that your sister has suffered a loss, and I very much doubt is looking for an apology. Perhaps a sensible approach would be, for the time being, to be there for each other, and let life settle back down into its usual path.

Big Bag of Chips

For a start, your mam died just over a week ago. So your sister is grieving. Maybe grief is making her behave out of character. Maybe she was always a bit highly strung? Maybe she doesn't want to be alone in her own house because she is lonely and upset about her mother. Maybe she wants company, even if that company is unwelcoming towards her.

I don't think it's relevant that she's a younger sibling. If your mam was 83, I assume you are both at least in your 40s if not 50s. 3 and a half years doesn't come in to it at that age!! Reminds me of a friend of my Dad's who is in his 70s. He is from a family of 7 and told me one day, he's still considered "the baby". He said if anything is suggested or discussed his view is always dismissed as "the baby", sure what would he know! This man recently retired from the CEO position of a government body!! To talk about age and younger siblings passed the age of 20 is petty.

Unless you talk to her, you're not going to know. But I guess your relationship was never close anyway so you're probably not in a position to sit down with her and ask her if she's ok, how she's coping with the death.

It's only been a week. Everyone is entitled to act a little bit off around this time.

silverharp

why does she think you would need "babysitting" ? . Property might come into this, has your dad been open to the family about what his plan is? will his estate be split evenly or might you be the sole inheritor of the house?

Big Bag of Chips

I think "babysitting" might be the OP's projection. From my reading of it, the sister just wants company.

Staying at home around the time of the funeral would be completely normal..... unless you expected her to go home alone every evening and bus it over and back for the few days of the removal and burial??

infogiver

Please try not to have a big bust up with your only sibling at this very difficult time.
Apart from anything else your dad was married to your mam for a very long time and he must be feeling very sad and lonely, even if your mam was sick for a while. He doesn't really need his closest family fighting around him right now.
If you have to go at it, do it away from him and don't involve him at all.
You and your sister are both very tired and sad as well.
She shouldn't have been rude to the neighbor, it's very embarrassing I know all about it.
You need to meet her on neutral ground and have a chat about how you both feel . You can tell her that your dad was upset about that.
When one parent dies some adult children get very clingy about the adult parent .
Sadly, some adult children get clingy about property and wills and inheritance too.
Do you think that your father intends leaving you the house?
Has this come up before?

Ursus Horribilis

Why is your dad upset by her? Does she normally upset him or was it because of today? Perhaps you need to think about your reaction to this and if your hostility towards your sister is putting him in an awkward position. Of course none of us knows the full back story. I think it's sad that any adult child is unwelcome in their original family home and can't come visit or stay. But as I said, we don't know the back story. She could be a horrible person or maybe you're being overly mean to her.

LegacyUser

Can I give you my perspective? I'm a 44 year old single woman who lives on her own. Last year I buried my mother. The day before the funeral was really rough and we had a massive screaming row in the kitchen over something ridiculous. Everybody was narky and you could've cut the tension in the air with a knife. My family never fight under normal circumstances.

Once the funeral was over and everybody went away I started to feel a bit empty. I could have had taken more compassionate leave from work but I didn't. I didn't feel like hanging around my parent's house and I didn't want to be alone in mine. I went back to work so I could keep busy and be around people during the day. Even though I made sure to see friends I was still rattled and lonely.

For a while after the funeral I felt really attached to home. I live an hour away from where I grew up so I'm not around so often. But I was all over the place in my head and where I felt happiest was home. The house I grew up in. Being near my family, the familiar surroundings and people. I don't know what I would've done if I was made feel unwelcome and turned away. I visited home a lot for a few months after mum died but that's starting to fade away now. Sometimes I still feel horribly lonely and unsettled even though I have a life elsewhere. Maybe because I don't have a partner I'm drawn back towards home. I don't know but I'm glad home is there for me.

Emme

OP your sister is bound to be upset. If at all possible try to get along with her. Your Dad is getting older and will probably need more care in future. It would be advisable to have a good relationship with your sister on account of this so you can share the responsibilities.

5rtytry56

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Why is your dad upset by her?

she does'not answer his phonecalls on her smartphone from him. She rings out on it to him though.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Does she normally upset him

Yes. Normally upsets him.

Dial Hard

5rtytry56 wrote:

she does'not answer his phonecalls on her smartphone from him. She rings out on it to him though.

I'm having difficulty understanding you, tbh OP. What exactly the issue here? That she has a smartphone? That she doesn't answer all inbound calls? I seem to miss more calls than I answer on my phone but I always ring the person back, which it sounds like she also does.

It kind of sounds like you just don't like her for whatever reason and are now projecting a lot of pent-up resentment onto her.

How was her relationship with your mother?

5rtytry56

Dial Hard wrote: »

I'm having difficulty understanding you, tbh OP. What exactly the issue here? That she has a smartphone? That she doesn't answer all inbound calls? I seem to miss more calls than I answer on my phone but I always ring the person back, which it sounds like she also does.

It kind of sounds like you just don't like her for whatever reason and are now projecting a lot of pent-up resentment onto her.

How was her relationship with your mother?

Hi . I 've just been hissed at "get out of my way" by my sister. I was passing her bedroom after going to spend a panny in the bathroom. She is up in the house again. She does not return my dad phonecalls either.

Loveinapril

OP, your issues are pretty unclear here. It seems like you don't get on well and from reading your posts, you don't like her being around but are getting annoyed that she doesn't answer phone calls? She is spending time in your dad's house. Surely that means something. Did you post to vent or do you want help in some way?

You are both grieving. Be kind to each other.

5rtytry56

Loveinapril wrote: »

Be kind to each other.

I have been kind to her:

After her death, the other close relatives asked me as a high priority to ensure the transfer of a personal part of mum's property to my sister.This I did. It was seen by them to be done.

Loveinapril

Are you looking for help from posters here?

Big Bag of Chips

What advice are you looking for, OP?

It's clear you don't like your sister. It's clear you still think you have seniority being 3 and a half years older than her even though you are both adults. It would seem there's a sibling rivalry that has lasted long beyond childhood.

Honestly, if you hadn't posted that your mam was 83, I'd honestly have thought you two were teenagers/early 20s. You've lost your mam. Your dad has lost his wife. Please just try to build a relationship with one another. Or if it's gone too far for that, at least pretend you're trying, for your dad's sake. She might be angry at you, but if you start changing the way you react to her, she might in turn change how she reacts to you. Someone has to make the first move.

Big Bag of Chips

5rtytry56 wrote: »

I have been kind to her:

After her death, the other close relatives asked me as a high priority to ensure the transfer of a personal part of mum's property to my sister.This I did. It was seen by them to be done.

Being kind doesn't just mean handing something over.

pilly

I honestly don't see how she's trying to take charge here? You're not doing yourself any justice OP by not explaining the situation very well. Merely staying in the house a few times is not enough reason to get pissed off with someone.

If close relatives had to ask you to transfer a piece of your mother's property to your sister then the relationship was obviously bad in the first place was it?

pilly

And actually just re-reading your original post you say she arrived "unannounced". If I thought I'd need to announce my visit to the family home before I arrived I'd be really annoyed. Why should she?

Taltos

Thread locked at OPs request.