How to diplomatically refuse drinks invites

MrMorooka

Basically, I've been invited to go out "for a pint" with work colleagues tonight. I have no interest in this- I like the people, it's not that, it's that I hate the pub environment. I used to pretend when I was younger and force myself to go out, but I can't be bothered any more. I hate pubs and going out for drinks in general, so I'm not going to do it. No one would miss me anyway- when I did go I would say nothing to nobody unless spoken to(and people stop bothering after the first time) and just sip on my drink waiting for 'enough' time to pass that I could leave- I find it impossible to talk to people in that environment, I legitimately can't understand what people are saying and I can't raise my voice loud enough, I sound completely stupid because I've nothing interesting to say, am deeply boring, and a single pint destroys any wit I may have had and just makes me sleepy.

How do I explain this diplomatically? Usually I just make up some lame excuse about why I can't come. I can't think of a way that explains not wanting to go without it being taken as an insult. I don't intend it that way, I like the people well enough and I should probably make the effort to be sociable with them to resolve my whole 'no social life/no friends' problem, but I am not willing to go to a pub with anyone unless I 100% can't avoid it. Horrible ****ing places.

jameorahiely

All you have to say is "Sorry can't make it". No need for elaborate excuses. You don't have to go if it's not your scene.

The way you describe yourself as uninteresting etc is a bit worrying.

SteoL

Just say you have plans? It's what I used to do when invited for Friday beers.

MrMorooka

Well, if I just say "can't make it, have plans" then they want me to elaborate on the supposed plans, so I need a concrete reason. And at that point I'm just lying, and I don't want to lie to people.

I have tried explaining what was in my OP to someone at work before(I like you guys, just I don't want to socialise in a pub) and I think he was just offended and insulted.

BetsyEllen

I would say something like 'I'm normally busy on a Friday lads, sorry'

This is excusing you from tonight but also giving you an excuse for further Fridays!

If anyone questions further just say something like oh I have a thing I go to on a Friday after work. They'll assume you have a hobby/club you attend.

Xterminator

Hi OP

it sounds like you don't actually have plans and dont want to make one up - so just give them a health based reason, like im off the drink lads, and if i go to the pub I'll give in to the temptation.

That way you're not having to remember your lies about what you were doing at the weekend the following week.

MrMorooka

I think part of the problem is that whenever after work drinks happen, lots of people bail or make their own excuses. So I feel extra guilty when I really don't have a good reason not to go. I feel so bad for the people who do want to go, who are inviting. Like I'm letting them down. I mean, already, out of 8 people invited, 2 won't be coming, and that'es excluding the people who never go out so weren't invited in the first place. I suppose I'll join them soon? Which, I don't know, I don't feel good about. I'm one of only 2 young single guys in the office, I really should be going out to these things and I have no legitimate reason not to, it's probably why they invite me.

MrMorooka

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

it sounds like you don't actually have plans and dont want to make one up - so just give them a health based reason, like im off the drink lads, and if i go to the pub I'll give in to the temptation.

That way you're not having to remember your lies about what you were doing at the weekend the following week.

Is there really no way out of this without lying? I want to try to be a bit mature and professional about this. People can see right through these lies and they know when people are just bailing on them!

Dial Hard

MrMorooka wrote:

I think part of the problem is that whenever after work drinks happen, lots of people bail or make their own excuses. So I feel extra guilty when I really don't have a good reason not to go. I feel so bad for the people who do want to go, who are inviting. Like I'm letting them down. I mean, already, out of 8 people invited, 2 won't be coming, and that'es excluding the people who never go out so weren't invited in the first place. I suppose I'll join them soon? Which, I don't know, I don't feel good about. I'm one of only 2 young single guys in the office, I really should be going out to these things and I have no legitimate reason not to, it's probably why they invite me.

You're waaaaaaay overthinking this. The ones who want to go will go anyway. They're not going to be sitting there mourning the absence of those who didn't, or examining their reasons.

MrMorooka

Dial Hard wrote: »

You're waaaaaaay overthinking this. The ones who want to go will go anyway. They're not going to be sitting there mourning the absence of those who didn't, or examining their reasons.

Yeah but they'd have more fun if there was more people. It must be disappointing to invite a bunch of people to a thing and then have no one show up. I feel horrible for adding to the disappointment.

I suppose basically the problem is either way I'm going to feel like ****, if I go or I don't go. Wish they hadn't asked me. If I lie about a reason I'll feel like more **** for lying. I suppose if I get asked again in person I'll just tell them "pubs are not for me, but thanks", or something like that.

Parchment

You sound just like me - i HATE the pub scene. I dont drink anymore but even when i did i found it tiring. I feel tired even thinking about it!

Just say you cant make it and leave it at that. If you feel you have to say something just say "oh its not really my scene" or something like that.

MrMorooka

Parchment wrote: »

You sound just like me - i HATE the pub scene. I dont drink anymore but even when i did i found it tiring. I feel tired even thinking about it!

Just say you cant make it and leave it at that. If you feel you have to say something just say "oh its not really my scene" or something like that.

Do you have friends/a partner, and if so, where did you meet them?

AlmightyCushion

MrMorooka wrote: »

Is there really no way out of this without lying? I want to try to be a bit mature and professional about this. People can see right through these lies and they know when people are just bailing on them!

Just tell them the truth, that you don't like pubs.

MrMorooka

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

Just tell them the truth, that you don't like pubs.

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. Thanks.

Parchment

MrMorooka wrote: »

Do you have friends/a partner, and if so, where did you meet them?

I have friends! - i met them through work/school/university.

I have a partner - i met him through his work.

Life doesnt have to revolve around the pub scene. It is harder to socialise outside of the scene in Ireland but not impossible and you will probably meet like minded people. People who like the pub....generally go to the pub! People who like hiking go hiking etc!

I am not the most social person in the world really but i do have my very good friends and it doesnt really impact that i dont go to the pub with them. Sure i do miss out on nights we are all together but i make my choice and im happy with it. I can no longer justify making myself do things i dont want to do!

Not for me tonight thanks.
Have a good night and see you next week.

I rarely go to works drinks and I met someone coming in the next morning and asked how it went. He seemed surprised as he thought I was there all night.

Dial Hard

MrMorooka wrote:

Yeah but they'd have more fun if there was more people. It must be disappointing to invite a bunch of people to a thing and then have no one show up. I feel horrible for adding to the disappointment.

I mean absolutely no offence by this at all, OP, but you being there or not is not going to make a blind bit of difference to how much fun they'd have. It sounds like there's a core group who go out regardless and they leave the invite open to others they think might like to join them. In that case, it genuinely won't make a blind bit of difference to them who else goes. Thinking they'll be anything approaching disappointed is vastly overestimating how much difference your (or anyone else's) presence will make.

Do you suffer from social anxiety, by any chance?

MrMorooka

Parchment wrote: »

I have friends! - i met them through work/school/university.

I have a partner - i met him through his work.

Life doesnt have to revolve around the pub scene. It is harder to socialise outside of the scene in Ireland but not impossible and you will probably meet like minded people. People who like the pub....generally go to the pub! People who like hiking go hiking etc!

I am not the most social person in the world really but i do have my very good friends and it doesnt really impact that i dont go to the pub with them. Sure i do miss out on nights we are all together but i make my choice and im happy with it. I can no longer justify making myself do things i dont want to do!

Interesting, thanks. I've already done school/college, so I've missed that opportunity. As for work, well like I say if I don't go to the pub, I won't make any friends. I'm in an odd position where I work in an office with 15ish people but I don't actually work with them, the team I work with is all remote and I only see them in person once a year or so. So I never really talk with the people here, and have no work or knowledge in common with them.

Before you say it, I have tried to get a job at a more normal company and really worked hard at it, but I failed the interview of course. So I'm biding time here I guess until I see a job I really want and can work up the courage to apply.

As for activities, I don't know. I don't actually like interacting with people, so most of the things I do would be solitary. I don't enjoy any of them anyway. I used to play videogames but I cut down a lot because they are terrible for you and a waste of time, not a hobby. I prefer to exercise at home or go for anonymous walks/cycling. I do an evening course in a language, but I'm not friends with the other students, not sure why. I don't really use the language, I'm not what my motivation for doing it is. I guess because I wanted to get out of the house in the evening and meet people like you people all tell me too. It's just pointless, at some point I have to actually talk to people, and I don't want to. I can make smalltalk and stuff(in quiet normal environments, with men) so I have no problem just 'being friendly' with people. But I want friends. But I don't even know what a friend is, so how can I know I want it? The only real reason I made this thread was to have people to talk to, to refresh the page and see people writing replies to me, so I can type back and feel busy.

I don't know. I'm deeply unhappy so I should probably do something. But I'll probably just go home tonight, mope, probably close this boards.ie account out of embarrassment at posting this nonsense and enjoy self-flagellating myself seeing other young people heading out for fun tonight.

MrMorooka

I really ****ing hate Fridays.

Parchment

MrMorooka wrote: »

Interesting, thanks. I've already done school/college, so I've missed that opportunity. As for work, well like I say if I don't go to the pub, I won't make any friends. I'm in an odd position where I work in an office with 15ish people but I don't actually work with them, the team I work with is all remote and I only see them in person once a year or so. So I never really talk with the people here, and have no work or knowledge in common with them.

Before you say it, I have tried to get a job at a more normal company and really worked hard at it, but I failed the interview of course. So I'm biding time here I guess until I see a job I really want and can work up the courage to apply.

As for activities, I don't know. I don't actually like interacting with people, so most of the things I do would be solitary. I don't enjoy any of them anyway. I used to play videogames but I cut down a lot because they are terrible for you and a waste of time, not a hobby. I prefer to exercise at home or go for anonymous walks/cycling. I do an evening course in a language, but I'm not friends with the other students, not sure why. I don't really use the language, I'm not what my motivation for doing it is. I guess because I wanted to get out of the house in the evening and meet people like you people all tell me too. It's just pointless, at some point I have to actually talk to people, and I don't want to. I can make smalltalk and stuff(in quiet normal environments, with men) so I have no problem just 'being friendly' with people. But I want friends. But I don't even know what a friend is, so how can I know I want it? The only real reason I made this thread was to have people to talk to, to refresh the page and see people writing replies to me, so I can type back and feel busy.

I don't know. I'm deeply unhappy so I should probably do something. But I'll probably just go home tonight, mope, probably close this boards.ie account out of embarrassment at posting this nonsense and enjoy self-flagellating myself seeing other young people heading out for fun tonight.

We are very similar.

Well i kept three amazing friends from my time in university. I dont see them that often but they are very close friends. I made two good friends through work and have stayed friends with them for over ten years now.

Are you deeply unhappy because you dont have friends? or is it because you feel you *should* have lots of friends? Im sure you have some friends/family members you get on with? For a long time i stressed about not being a social butterfly and going out/going to events with people. Then i realised i didn't like those situations anyway so why would i go? I mean you wouldn't eat an apple if you didn't like apples!

I am very like you - i prefer being alone. At a party/wedding etc i will have to go and stand in a toilet cubicle alone for about ten minutes just to recharge and be alone. Thats ok - thats who i am and i think its hard to be that real about things - most people force themselves to do things they dont want to. I just dont anymore.

But you do seem to want to be more social - then its a case of forcing yourself and maybe you will get used to it? Maybe if you went to smaller "events" like the cinema (a great one - hardly any talking!) or coffee with a few people rather than big groups.

What age are you btw?

MrMorooka

Parchment wrote: »

We are very similar.

Well i kept three amazing friends from my time in university. I dont see them that often but they are very close friends. I made two good friends through work and have stayed friends with them for over ten years now.

Are you deeply unhappy because you dont have friends? or is it because you feel you *should* have lots of friends? Im sure you have some friends/family members you get on with? For a long time i stressed about not being a social butterfly and going out/going to events with people. Then i realised i didn't like those situations anyway so why would i go? I mean you wouldn't eat an apple if you didn't like apples!

I am very like you - i prefer being alone. At a party/wedding etc i will have to go and stand in a toilet cubicle alone for about ten minutes just to recharge and be alone. Thats ok - thats who i am and i think its hard to be that real about things - most people force themselves to do things they dont want to. I just dont anymore.

But you do seem to want to be more social - then its a case of forcing yourself and maybe you will get used to it? Maybe if you went to smaller "events" like the cinema (a great one - hardly any talking!) or coffee with a few people rather than big groups.

What age are you btw?

It's easy for you to say this, when you were younger you made those friends, so now you don't have to make the effort to do these social things. You have your partner as a close friend you can talk to anything about if you need to. I'm sure we're similar, but what you don't understand is that I'm not even going to those parties/weddings in the first place, and never have. I like being alone, sure, but again, you can do that because you have friends already. I can't just do what I want and avoid social situations entirely, or I will be completely alone.

No, I don't have friends I 'get on with'. I have a few online acquaintances but they don't live in Ireland and I don't bother talking to them anymore because I don't play the videogame I met them on much at all anymore. I don't have any real friends. It's not like I'm being invited out places and refusing(that was the case when I was in college and shortly after, but hey, if you keep refusing, people stop asking, and you never talk to them again). Never been to a non-family wedding, there is literally nobody who would invite me. Only texts I get are form my parents. I have 10 friends on Facebook, and the only one of them I've seen in person in the last two years is my brother. I used to have friends from school/college on FB, but I deleted them all at some point because I was depressed or something and didn't see the point of having them there. I just do not have friends. I have no one to talk to as freely as I want to. I can talk to workmates a bit, but not freely- can't tell them about how stressed I was over a job interview, or whatever.

I get on fine with my family, very lucky there. I don't live with them because I like my independence and they're the same. I'm also that asshole who barely remembers the names of my cousins and only sees most of my family at christmas. I'm 26.

Parchment

MrMorooka wrote: »

It's easy for you to say this, when you were younger you made those friends, so now you don't have to make the effort to do these social things. You have your partner as a close friend you can talk to anything about if you need to. I'm sure we're similar, but what you don't understand is that I'm not even going to those parties/weddings in the first place, and never have. I like being alone, sure, but again, you can do that because you have friends already. I can't just do what I want and avoid social situations entirely, or I will be completely alone.

I get on fine with my family, very lucky there. I don't live with them because I like my independence and they're the same. I'm also that asshole who barely remembers the names of my cousins and only sees most of my family at christmas. I'm 26.

I dont have a lot of friends - i spend most weekends doing my own thing. Its not like i have people beating down the door to go places with me! I have been to 3 weddings in the past few years , two family and one a friend of my partner. Thats hardly a record breaking number!

I do most things alone if i am honest. I often go to Dublin or Galway alone for the entire day.

Maybe you need to push yourself - why not join some sort of a club and see how it goes?

freshpopcorn

OP what type of pubs do you go to?

When ever I did go to Pubs with people after work/college we generally went to a pub where you could have a chat and their was no loud music. So, you could easily have a chat. You also don't have to have a pint.
When ever we did go to pubs we never took no notice when somebody wasn't their. If you don't want to go just say you've something to do with family/friends or your doing some random night class or even better just say your busy!

MrMorooka

Parchment wrote: »

Maybe you need to push yourself - why not join some sort of a club and see how it goes?

Nah, there's no point. If I have managed to get through life to this point with all the best opportunities for making friends handed to me- I've had a job every day since I was 17, went to school, went to university for four years - without getting any friends to stick, it's just not going to happen. I have to just learn to accept I will always be alone.

Parchment

MrMorooka wrote: »

Nah, there's no point. If I have managed to get through life to this point with all the best opportunities for making friends handed to me- I've had a job every day since I was 17, went to school, went to university for four years - without getting any friends to stick, it's just not going to happen. I have to just learn to accept I will always be alone.

Well if you take a look at that statement maybe you will see that you are your own worst enemy.

MrMorooka

Parchment wrote: »

Well if you take a look at that statement maybe you will see that you are your own worst enemy.

Yeah, I'm already well aware of that. I bear all the responsibility, the world won't just give me friends or a social life or a relationship or anything else I want, I have to seize the opportunities and put in the work, and I simply don't. I didn't want to go out to the pub with people, so I didn't. When I lived with roommates in college, I didn't want to join them in the sitting room, so I didn't. When people from my class arranged to meet up for pints to catch up, I didn't want to go, so I didn't. And I suppose all of that was a mistake. Or was it? Maybe I should have forced myself to go and be something I'm not. I envy you really, that's what I want, is to be able to be introverted and avoid social events, but still have a partner and close friends I can spend time with when I need that human contact. Unfortunately I only managed the former.

Parchment

MrMorooka wrote: »

Yeah, I'm already well aware of that. I bear all the responsibility, the world won't just give me friends or a social life or a relationship or anything else I want, I have to seize the opportunities and put in the work, and I simply don't. I didn't want to go out to the pub with people, so I didn't. When I lived with roommates in college, I didn't want to join them in the sitting room, so I didn't. When people from my class arranged to meet up for pints to catch up, I didn't want to go, so I didn't. And I suppose all of that was a mistake. Or was it? Maybe I should have forced myself to go and be something I'm not. I envy you really, that's what I want, is to be able to be introverted and avoid social events, but still have a partner and close friends I can spend time with when I need that human contact. Unfortunately I only managed the former.

Well it wasnt easy to ask my partner out when i met him first - but i did it because i really wanted to. It was worth the effort.

Why not join some sort of club and just get used to being "social" again and go from there. you have nothing to lose.

MrMorooka

Parchment wrote: »

Well it wasnt easy to ask my partner out when i met him first - but i did it because i really wanted to. It was worth the effort.

Why not join some sort of club and just get used to being "social" again and go from there. you have nothing to lose.

Can't really relate, I have never known any woman long enough to be attracted to them or even think of asking them out. Have never known a woman who wasn't already in a relationship, actually, now that I think about it. In any case, I'm not looking for a relationship right now, it would be a nightmare and completely unrealistic for me. Like going to Mars when I can't even crawl yet. I'm so far below your level of asking somebody out it's not even funny.

Here's a question, where did you ask your partner 'out' to? A pub?

As for the club thing, it's very easy advice to give, and I'll think about it. Like I said, I took an evening course last year, and that didn't do anything for my social life, so no reason that a 'club' would either. No idea what kind of club I would join anyway, I don't have any interests. Especially nothing that is conducive to a social club.

Ursus Horribilis

Do you realise how negative and self-pitying you sound? I've seen your other threads where you mention being lonely etc. Yet you're unwilling to do anything about it.

Evening classes aren't a great way to make friends - in my experience most people are there either to learn something new or because they're accompanying a friend. A club is a different kettle of fish. But if you want to turn your nose up at the suggestions people are giving you, then go right ahead.

MrMorooka

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Do you realise how negative and self-pitying you sound?

Yeah, of course I do. I have zero self-confidence and I can't be bothered to try and hide that. Like I said, I'm posting because I like to get replies, it lets me talk a bit and have some interaction. So I'm at least partially writing in such a way as to get people to reply.

Taltos

Mod Note
Hi OP
Closing this now as PI is strictly an advice forum not a discussion forum. From your last post its clear you are seeking the latter. Hopefully some of the advice here will help but at this point as it's clear you are looking to carry on a discussion here we've no choice.