Friend marrying my one night stand

LegacyUser

A small problem really but seems like it's getting bigger!
A good friend of mine started seeing a guy over 2 years ago. I had already been with him years ago, just a one night bit of messing. Nothing serious & no sex.
When she told me she was seeing him, I didn't tell her about our bit of fun, didn't think it was appropriate. Can hardly turn round when she says she's seeing him and go oh yes, I was with him one night!
So said nothing. No big deal.
Then they moved in together, couldn't say it then, cos they were getting more serious.
Move on couple of years, now they are engaged!!
He obviously never told her, I never told anyone.
But now, it seems like a big secret, which it never was! It was just a little thing, time was never right to tell her.
Now they are getting married.....
It feels like a big secret now, cos obvs I can't tell her now.....
Obvs he never told her either.....

Do I just suck it up & hope she never finds out? She is a very good friend, a very good person & I love her as one of my best friends. I feel now, like this is so big, tell her now, it looks like it was a big secret. Don't tell her, I will always feel like I'm hiding something from her?
What would you do?

questionmark?

Sorry to be blunt but keep your mouth shut. You happended to be with someone years ago. Not only years ago but you didn't even have sex with your friends husband to be. What's to tell here? Everyone has a past. Considering its Ireland there's a good chance a lot of people have got together with someone who had at some stage in the past has been with a friend of theirs even if it was just a snog rather than full sex.

Halfprice

Bit messing and no sex.. would seem that he hasnt thought about it at all or he would if mentioned it to you before now. Seems its you that has the dilema, as in it sounds as if you still have something for him and its eating at you. Otherwise just forget about it. Was bit fun that didnt lead to anything serious

uck51js9zml2yt

What do you hope to gain by telling her? What's to tell? You had a fumble, he moved on.

Everyone has a past and quiet frankly it's none of your business.

njs030

He wasn't your one night stand though? He's someone you kissed and at most messed around with.

What do you hope to gain by telling her? Are you secretly jealous that he didn't want more from you or that she's met someone because that's what it will look like if you say that you kissed him once years ago and you feel she should know.
Chances are she does know and he told her years ago, but it's such a minor thing she didn't mention it to avoid embarrassing you or rubbing your face in the fact he chose her.

Have dignity op and forget it like he has.

Wrongway1985

OP for future reference a ONS implies some sort of sex involved.

Ye had a bit of harmless fun when he wasn't with your friend, how do you know he hasnt spoken about it? Have you talked to him?

If you haven't I wouldn't advise doing so now. Disclosing something for 2 years and then dropping it now would may make it seem bigger deal than it actually sounds, reeks of a storyline from one of those soap shows.

Also perhaps disclose your men in common to your close pals asap to avoid this reoccurring.

mapaca

notjustsweet wrote:

Chances are she does know and he told her years ago, but it's such a minor thing she didn't mention it to avoid embarrassing you or rubbing your face in the fact he chose her.

I was thinking this too, he might have told her already and she's not bothered about it.

The time to tell her would have been at the start when they first got together. There is nothing to be gained by bringing it up now, she'll just be wondering what your motivation is for telling her at this late stage.

sReq | uTeK

mapaca wrote: »

I was thinking this too, he might have told her already and she's not bothered about it.

The time to tell her would have been at the start when they first got together. There is nothing to be gained by bringing it up now, she'll just be wondering what your motivation is for telling her at this late stage.

Kissed plenty of my now wife's friends...2 if her very good ones before we got together. Do I even think about them.....NOPE. happily married and she's the one I choose.

Oh just to add my wife knows.

I don't think my wife has ever said it to them back, which I suggest is the case with this

Big Bag of Chips

My husband told me one day, after about 14 years of being with him that he kissed a very good friend of mine (still good friend!) a while before we started going out. I never mentioned it to her. Don't see any reason to!

Don't be so sure he hasn't mentioned it, or won't mention it sometime in the future. I never thought it weird that she didn't tell me.

wiggle16

OP, don't say anything. It was a million years ago and it doesn't matter. He may have told her, or he may not remember, or he may have simply chosen to say nothing about it either (smart boy!). I suspect you feel you're being dishonest or not being a "good friend" by keeping it to yourself, but it's neither. Once the relationship became serious it passed a point where it would be inappropriate to say anything, and even if her husband-to-be tells her about it on the night of their honeymoon, your friend would have the sense to know that. So stop worrying.

If you bring it up now it will look odd and ill-intentioned considering the timing. Say nothing and forget about it.

(And pay no mind to posters who are jumping to conclusions about your motives or implying that you're jealous or something. I have no idea why some people cannot just answer a question without inferring all sorts and having a go).

punisher5112

I am totally confused you messed around but didn't get the ride.

Eh that's not a one night stand. Kissing doesn't get one pregnant either.

Move on forget about he obviously has.

By god don't be telling or say anymore.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

freshpopcorn

Does the guy even remember you?
By the sounds of it ye just messed around a little on a night out.
I know myself if somebody was with me and they told me if I messed around with your friend a few years before we met and didn't have sex I'd be like okay I don't really care and I wouldn't mention it to them!

Meauldsegosha

Badfriends wrote: »

It feels like a big secret now, cos obvs I can't tell her now.....
Obvs he never told her either.....

Do I just suck it up & hope she never finds out? She is a very good friend, a very good person & I love her as one of my best friends. I feel now, like this is so big, tell her now, it looks like it was a big secret. Don't tell her, I will always feel like I'm hiding something from her?
What would you do?

OP you've built this up into a huge matter in your head which it's not. You are overreacting to a minor issue that nobody else will care about. Say nothing to your friend, her husband-to-be or anyone else and forget it ever happen.

When my partner and I got together we discovered we grew up very close to each other and had many mutual friends. We've laughed that is is very probable that one, or both, of us have snogged one of our friends. It's a non-issue for us.

lawred2

Being a bit self important OP. Get over it and keep your mouth closed about something meaningless that happened years ago.

Wrongway1985

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

We've laughed that is is very probable that one, or both, of us have snogged one of our friends. It's a non-issue for us.

I have to say that's strange to me...probable?? surely you'd know if you at least did snog one of his friends :rolleyes:

Meauldsegosha

Wrongway1985 wrote: »

I have to say that's strange to me...probable?? surely you'd know if you at least did snog one of his friends :rolleyes:

A snog at a school disco 30 years ago or a drunken night back in the local when we came home at Christmas time. Sorry we don't remember them we're obviously not paragons of virtue like yourself. :rolleyes:

Merkin

Can we refrain from the eye rolling and stick to the topic at hand please?

sabat

"Mary, there's something I need to get off my chest; it's been tearing me apart. Two years ago John and I had a few cans and, well...ok I'll just come right out and say it. Mary, I gave your fiancé a handjob. If you want to call off the wedding I completely understand, I just hope we can stay friends."

eviltwin

Sounds like you want to rain on her parade a little bit OP. Maybe you're a little bit put out by her wedding plans ? She has nothing to gain from finding out and I'm not buying at that stuff about wanting to do the right thing by a friend. I think a real friend wouldn't drag up a minor fumble from the past that meant nothing just as someone is planning their wedding.

Big Bag of Chips

Badfriends wrote: »

I didn't tell her about our bit of fun, didn't think it was appropriate. Can hardly turn round when she says she's seeing him and go oh yes, I was with him one night!
So said nothing. No big deal.


Then they moved in together, couldn't say it then, cos they were getting more serious.

At first it was no big deal.
Then when they moved in together you couldn't say anything because they were getting serious.

So what has changed now to make it a bigger deal? Or if you didn't tell her when they moved in together because they were getting serious, why would you be thinking of telling her now when they're engaged? Surely that's even more serious than just living together?

It is a little strange that your "one night" is still playing on your mind all these years later. Forget it. I'm sure he has.

Wrongway1985

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

A snog at a school disco 30 years ago or a drunken night back in the local when we came home at Christmas time. Sorry we don't remember them we're obviously not paragons of virtue like yourself. :rolleyes:

I said strange to me I'd remember, cheers for the explanation I wasn't aware of y'ere joint lack of memory till you posted this but cheers for the snakey dig,I'm a far cry from any sort of paragon.

Taltos

Mod note
Sword1- I've removed your post. PI/RI is not a discussion forum, if you don't have constructive advice then please don't post.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

OP here again.
I appreciate the replies. Just thought I would straighten a few things out.
I have known both these people for nearly 20years. I have no interest at all in him, I like him! He's a grand guy, but no romantic interest.
It was a drunken night, there was fumbling but no, no actual sex. Close but no cigar!!
It really was no big deal to me, or him. I know that because we made a joke one day, before he was with my friend.
I'm delighted for her, she's mad about him and can't wait to get married.

I just was worried that if she did ever find out she would feel like I hid something from her. I know I can't tell her and believe me I don't want to tell her! I was just worried & it felt like a secret.

But as everyone says, it was no big deal, to either of us, and shouldn't be if she did ever find out. So I'm going to stop worrying about something that will probably never happen.
Thanks.

LegacyUser

I don't see why you are making any deal out of this in your head at all op, its a nothing happening that I wouldn't give a second thought to it.

I have a big ground of friends for years, mix of lads and girls. Lots of us been with different people in the group and now a few of the lads and girls are married having been going out with never mind with others in the group before hand and it was never a even given a second thought.

freshpopcorn

Does the guy even remember?

Big Bag of Chips

There's probably other friends he's had a fumble with too. And she's probably had a fumble with a few lads he knows. Unless 2 people move location and meet completely independent of all other friends then it is likely that there will be a bit of overlap!! Teenage years can have a lot of 'shifting'!!

lawred2

Oddly possessive thread title as well..

"My one night stand"

Are you sure you're not carrying a torch for this lad?

amtc

A very good friend of mine told me that when deciding to reveal such things to 'consider the margin'. If you reveal this from years ago what do you gain only lose? In my friends there's been drunken snogs and even sex but friendships lasted. You'll lose your friend making a big deal out of this.

amtc

Oh and he wasn't a one night stand...

feargale

Boards can be so judgemental and presumptious at times. Somebody seeks advice and others seem to get kicks from the pillory.

Merkin

feargale wrote: »

Boards can be so judgemental and presumptious at times. Somebody seeks advice and others seem to get kicks from the pillory.

I suggest you report all posts that you find offensive or those you deem to have contravened the Charter instead of ranting about it on thread. Thanks.

ted1

If you didn't have sex it's not a one night stand , you were just a drunken snog.

punisher5112

ted1 wrote: »

If you didn't have sex it's not a one night stand , you were just a drunken snog.

Which has been mentioned numerous times and somehow they still think its a 1 night stand.

SB_Part2

He probably doesn't remember you since you didn't even have sex. Think about how embarrassing it'll be for you if you say it and he's like "Eh what, I don't remember that!"

You'll look like you are just trying to stir the pot.

GingerLily

OP, the phrasing "MY one night stand" is a bit worrying, you don't own him, it's as if you want to tell your friend you were there first, and you didn't even sleep together, so he's not even "A one night stand".
It looks like you want to cause trouble, now maybe you don't but I think that's how your friend will interpret it if you do tell her so best to not mention it unless there it comes up. That way you're not hiding anything, but equally your not bragging about it either.

lawred2

GingerLily wrote: »

OP, the phrasing "MY one night stand" is a bit worrying, you don't own him, it's as if you want to tell your friend you were there first, and you didn't even sleep together, so he's not even "A one night stand".
It looks like you want to cause trouble, now maybe you don't but I think that's how your friend will interpret it if you do tell her so best to not mention it unless there it comes up. That way you're not hiding anything, but equally your not bragging about it either.

reeks of jealousy to me...

"oh you're getting married are you!?... well he was with me first..."

SAMTALK

I think you'll all being a bit harsh on OP to be fair.

It's a no win situation for you OP. If you tell your friend she will wonder why you are only telling her now but at the same time if her fella tells her I'm sure she'd wonder why you didnt.

IMO you should say nothing and if she ever does say anything you can just say it was no big deal and you didnt think it was worth mentioning

Jesus, she's just afraid something she did with her friends fiance back in the day might bite her in the ass if he ever tells her. She's afraid the friend will be all "Why didn't you tell me?!"

It doesn't mean she's jealous, wants to rain on anyones parade, thinks she owns the fiance or that she wants to break anyone up because she's self important.

Cut the girl some slack, it was a simple enough question albeit probably poorly phrased. None of us are perfect.

Keep it zipped OP, if it ever comes to light and she asks you about it tell her you were drunk and only remember a peck on the cheek. It's a white lie, but a safe one.

punisher5112

Again its not a one night stand move on nothing to see here.

professore

This is a complete non-issue. Don't know what the youngsters are like now but back in my day it was common to have "shifted" at least some girls in your circle of friends. If you married someone from a mutual circle of friends it was almost guaranteed that you shifted at least one if not more of them. Nothing to see here.

Colser

professore wrote: »

This is a complete non-issue. Don't know what the youngsters are like now but back in my day it was common to have "shifted" at least some girls in your circle of friends. If you married someone from a mutual circle of friends it was almost guaranteed that you shifted at least one if not more of them. Nothing to see here.

So if you were married for a few years and then found out that something had happened years earlier between your OH and your best friend but neither had ever mentioned it you're saying that you wouldn't give it a second thought?

I have to say I'd find it strange and would wonder why neither mentioned it...also if I were the OP I'd feel awkward about it but I don't think there's a good time or situation where she can now bring it up.

I'd hate to think that my best friend and my OH had even had a kiss and I didn't know about it...but I suppose what you don't know doesn't bother you but I fully understand how the OP feels.

clairek6

Colser wrote: »

So if you were married for a few years and then found out that something had happened years earlier between your OH and your best friend but neither had ever mentioned it you're saying that you wouldn't give it a second thought?

I have to say I'd find it strange and would wonder why neither mentioned it...also if I were the OP I'd feel awkward about it but I don't think there's a good time or situation where she can now bring it up.

I'd hate to think that my best friend and my OH had even had a kiss and I didn't know about it...but I suppose what you don't know doesn't bother you but I fully understand how the OP feels.

Once it happened before they were with you then where is the issue? Everyone has a past and many people won't remember half of who they were with.

Big Bag of Chips

Colser wrote: »

So if you were married for a few years and then found out that something had happened years earlier between your OH and your best friend but neither had ever mentioned it you're saying that you wouldn't give it a second thought?

Good friend, not best friend! If she was her best friend she'd probably have told her she was with him at the time! If she wasn't a good enough friend to know at the time, she doesn't need to be told after the event.