Need advice not judgement please

jackpower677

Hey me and my gf hav been together for 5 years now (were both 22). I love her more than anything and she feels the same about me. Our relationship is as close to perfect as can be bar one dark cloud I created. I really want to come clean with her but fear the result. So what happened... 2 years ago I was going on a lads holiday and feared I was missing my youth and was going to regret being in such a serious relationship at a young age. I wanted to experience more of life so I could make more informed decisions in the future. I loved my gf very much at the time but feared it may just be 'young love' and we'd end eventually. So I decided to break it off with her, and she then asked if we could try a break instead (so Id go and do as I please) then when I'm back we'd revisit our relationship and see if its what we both want. So we took the break and I slept with 9 girls over my holiday. She asked if anything had happened while I was away and I told her we'll talk when I'm back. So when I came home she knew something had happened and seemed so so hurt (I regret the whole thing so much and wish it had never happened). We talked for a while and started to make progress but it was assumed I had just been with one girl. I know I should hav come clean but I cant go back now so please refrain from judging me. We worked through it and are now 100% back to our old selves (actually even better). I cant imagine my life without her. So what should I do?? If I tell her she will feel betrayed, hurt and I don't know if we'll survive it. If I don't it will forever be in the back of my mind. I feel the right thing to do is tell her but how and when?? I always find a reason to put it off:( Is telling her the right thing to do or just keep telling myself we were broken up and its in the past.... Please any advice would be appreciated

jimd2

On the basis that you are 100% with your facts I would say dont tell her. In fact I would suspect that she doesnt want to know.

Just remember this regret & pain if nye get into a bad spell in the relationship & you are offered it on a plate.

You seem to regret the incident and technically ye were on a break so I would leave it and work on the the relationship.

jackpower677

Hey man thanks for the advice really appreciate it! Not what I expected but what your saying makes sense! I really don't want to hurt her again

BetsyEllen

Don't tell her.
You've hurt the poor girl enough. Imagine how she felt whilst you were away, knowing you were away doing whatever you pleased.
Yes you were on a break but she still would have felt awful.

It's in the past and doesn't need dragging up again when you're happy now.
Just focus on your future.

LegacyUser

Hi Op
I suspect you want to tell her to feel the weight being lifted off your shoulders. You are not planning to tell her to do her a favor. she doesn't want to know, she got over this. she moved on. So in a sense you are looking for a counselling session. Is that fair on her? Go to proper counselling, deal with your issues, why burden the girl?

jackpower677

Hey BetsyEllen, thanks for your input and trust me I still cant believe I put her through that and it shows just how amazing she truly is that she has given me another chance. Did I not honestly see myself spending my life with her then this would be an easier decision. I just keep picturing myself at an alter about to say 'I do' and knowing theres a secret I'm hiding. Like do I take this to the grave with me, do I say it when were both old sitting by the fire... My point is if it wasn't going to last Id keep my mouth shut spare her feelings and the chance of an immediate break up. But if we do last it just becomes a bigger and bigger deal as we move forward in our relationship. I know I'm rambling on and it probably seems stupid as were young but I really love her and just hate I put us in this situation and its all my fault

amcalester

What does she gain by you telling her?

Pain, that's all.

jackpower677

Amcalester well Id argue she gains the ability to make a decision to be with a man whos kept something big from her (and did the things hes keeping from her)! I'm not dismissing what your saying btw and thanks to the responses here I am eaning greatly towards leaving it in the past but its a big decision so just want to make sure I get it right

jameorahiely

Why do you think it'll become a bigger deal?


Dragging up stuff that happened 2 years ago while you were broke up is strange. What do you hope to gain from it?

Sono

Nothing to be gained by telling her, move on and stop dwelling on it. Just don't act like that again.

amcalester

jackpower677 wrote: »

Amcalester well Id argue she gains the ability to make a decision to be with a man whos kept something big from her (and did the things hes keeping from her)! I'm not dismissing what your saying btw and thanks to the responses here I am eaning greatly towards leaving it in the past but its a big decision so just want to make sure I get it right

But you were broken up so free to do what you like. Really it was none of her business what you got up to.

Maybe at the time you should have either not answered or told the truth but that was 2 years ago so no point digging up the past.

long_b

"There's this program called Friends, see? .."

jackpower677

Ok thanks so much guys! Appreciate the inputs ! I aint gonna say anything and focus on what I can control and be the best boyfriend I can be now

jackpower677

Hahahahah everytime that episode comes on things get awkward

jameorahiely

jackpower677 wrote: »

well Id argue she gains the ability to make a decision to be with a man whos kept something big from her (and did the things hes keeping from her)!

So not only would you tell her you've been with 9 others but you're going to explain what you did with each girl?

There's nothing to be gained from this,.

jackpower677

No I just meant would she want to be with someone who would sleep around so easily!

Bambi985

Any chance it could get back to her via one of your mate's girlfriends or some acquaintance or other? What if you're all down the pub and it comes up as banter? Even in a sort of "haha Jack went mad that time we were in Ibiza and slept with about forty girls" kinda thing. are any of the girls in your or connected to your social circle?

i guess it being two years ago means it probably already would have, but something worth thinking about for sure.

do you think there's a chance you'll get a bit antsy again and want to sleep with other people? i know your gut reaction will prob be "no" but really think about it. a few years down the line, maybe another lads holiday etc. you're still quite young for such a serious relationship after all.

did you both get tested when you came home?

leggo

I confessed to someone that I cheated once about 10-odd years ago. It was the day after and I couldn't live with the guilt. I thought I was doing the honourable thing and did so with the best of intentions, knowing I'd face the music I deserved to if it came to that. Looking back, it was a mistake. The news shattered her and her faith in men and she went a bit nuts for a while. She's grand now, like, but still...there could've been a better way. In hindsight, all I was doing was clearing my own conscience and 'made things right' in my mind, telling myself I was a good guy after all so I wouldn't have to feel like ****, but I did what I did and that guilt is a part of it. Hurting her achieved nothing more.

That's all you'd be doing here. The guilt is your burden. Whether you think it's understood you only slept with one person or not - I assume the uncertainty is because you didn't go into details - the reality is that she's put the past behind her, forgiven you for what you did (the number is inconsequential, it's the fact that you did it at all that hurt) and moved forward. Dragging it up just makes your life easier and destroys hers again. So no, let it stay buried and live with the guilt (besides...you didn't do anything THAT wrong. Tons of couple who meet young and go the distance go through similar phases and forget about it. I think you're blowing this out of proportion in your head.)

jackpower677

Bambi985 yeah I was only with 4 of my very close mates and they knew the situation and promised to keep quite (I know each one prob told one person based on human nature, but ye it hasn't come up yet). And yep I got a full test for everything before been physical with her again And honestly I don't think I will, been with those girls didn't even come close to making love to my gf! This may change as I understand I am young but this is what I feel now.

Leggo thanks for sharing that story and I think you and the others are right and its best just left as my burden