Housemate bad terms

rain hat

Hi, I'm new to the site. I'm looking for thoughts on how to deal with a difficult housemate. I'm only here 4 months so I know I'm under no contract etc. Things were great until she decided to pull rank and try to act like the landlord.
It's miserable and cold because she dictates heating even the kitchen is out of bounds for fear of awkward run ins.
I'd like people's thoughts, I'd appreciate a logical solution to my dilemma I know moving out but the apartment is great and affordable seen as I recently lost my job it's a great find.
What do you think?

whippet

Some people are just not nice... most times you can't control or change that.

In reality you have two options adapt and learn to live the the person or move out

whippet

whippet wrote: »

Some people are just not nice... most times you can't control or change that.

In reality you have two options adapt and learn to live the the person or move out

try to clear the air, if that doesn't work then leave it. life is too short.

topmanamillion

Bad situation OP, as moving isn't an option I would advice stop being afraid to go into the kitchen.
If she`s making your life difficult don't go out of your way to make hers easy by avoiding her and freezing.
I assume you are paying towards heating so its fully within your rights to adjust it to your liking. If she adjusts, adjust it back.
Best of luck.

Samuel T. Cogley

Although if you've lost your job and are mooching around all day with the heating on, you probably wouldn't want to run across me in the kitchen either.

Especially as I don't live there...

RebelButtMunch

Divide the bill by the amount of hours you each spend in the house.

El_Duderino 09

topmanamillion wrote:

Bad situation OP, as moving isn't an option I would advice stop being afraid to go into the kitchen. If she`s making your life difficult don't go out of your way to make hers easy by avoiding her and freezing. I assume you are paying towards heating so its fully within your rights to adjust it to your liking. If she adjusts, adjust it back. Best of luck.

I agree with Topman... You say your housemate is 'pulling rank' but it sounds like old fashioned bullying. Stand up to her and let her know you'll be coming and going from the kitchen as you please - because you're a paying tenant xnf thx kitchen is part if the agreement. You'll have to work out an agreement for heating because you both pay for that together

GingerLily

I think context is key here, is she asking you to;
-not leave the heating on during the day time
-leave the kitchen clean and free for an hour each evening so she can cook dinner/prep lunch
etc. Because that seems quite reasonable to me? If she never allows the heating on so your forced to wear fleeces to bed and takes over the kitchen for an unreasonable time each day, that'd be diffrent!

pilly

GingerLily wrote:

I think context is key here, is she asking you to; -not leave the heating on during the day time -leave the kitchen clean and free for an hour each evening so she can cook dinner/prep lunch etc. Because that seems quite reasonable to me? If she never allows the heating on so your forced to wear fleeces to bed and takes over the kitchen for an unreasonable time each day, that'd be diffrent!

Yes I think if you give us more context OP we might be able to help more. How is she restricting the heating for example? Has she set hours or does she just turn it off.

rain hat

I really appreciate the feedback. The facts are that she works 12 until 8. And since the fight where she said she would slap me across the face because I said I wouldn't rearrange the furniture how she wanted. Since then. She sits in her bedroom and I sit in my bedroom unless the third housemate is here and she sits up with him. When I put the heating on she says who's putting the heating on and I feel uncomfortable when she comments. But I have to add...before this she was always confiding in me and wanting to chat. But I got fed up and started going to my room so I think she's hurt or rebelling now? I don't know. I studied psychology briefly but her behaviour has changed overnight.

sweetie

rain hat wrote:

I really appreciate the feedback. The facts are that she works 12 until 8. And since the fight where she said she would slap me across the face because I said I wouldn't rearrange the furniture how she wanted. Since then. She sits in her bedroom and I sit in my bedroom unless the third housemate is here and she sits up with him. When I put the heating on she says who's putting the heating on and I feel uncomfortable when she comments. But I have to add...before this she was always confiding in me and wanting to chat. But I got fed up and started going to my room so I think she's hurt or rebelling now? I don't know. I studied psychology briefly but her behaviour has changed overnight.

So she threw the gob?

pilly

rain hat wrote: »

I really appreciate the feedback. The facts are that she works 12 until 8. And since the fight where she said she would slap me across the face because I said I wouldn't rearrange the furniture how she wanted. Since then. She sits in her bedroom and I sit in my bedroom unless the third housemate is here and she sits up with him. When I put the heating on she says who's putting the heating on and I feel uncomfortable when she comments. But I have to add...before this she was always confiding in me and wanting to chat. But I got fed up and started going to my room so I think she's hurt or rebelling now? I don't know. I studied psychology briefly but her behaviour has changed overnight.

Okay, that is really uncomfortable. When she said she would slap you across the face though was she joking or serious? It may have been just a joke.

It's a dilemma but with the market the way it is currently then it's hard to move also. If you previously got on then you could possibly fix things between you.

In terms of the heating I would kind of understand where she's coming from. To me most apartments don't need the heating on very much, they are usually quite warm and different people have different ideas of warm and cold. You could also compromise on this if you both sit down and talk.

JuliusCaesar

It sounds like both of you are angry with one another, but neither of you is doing the grown-up thing of talking it out.

What is your preferred solution? What is her preferred solution?

What furniture-moving caused the fight anyway?

Being in your separate bedrooms sulking is NOT going to help the situation solve itself.

Jimmy Garlic

First to come, last to leave, that's the way it works. I am sure there is another side to the story. You would be better off looking for another place, things aren't working out there.

rain hat

sweetie wrote: »

So she threw the gob?

What do you mean when You say threw the gob? It means something entirely different to me.

rain hat

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

It sounds like both of you are angry with one another, but neither of you is doing the grown-up thing of talking it out.

What is your preferred solution? What is her preferred solution?

What furniture-moving caused the fight anyway?

Being in your separate bedrooms sulking is NOT going to help the situation solve itself.

Preferred solution? That were civil. I'm sitting at the table waiting. I feel sock. Sick 😳

the_syco

rain hat wrote: »

Things were great until she decided to pull rank and try to act like the landlord.

If she's not the landlord, and you don't pay her your rent, tell her to eff off.

Graces7

OP; she is at work from 12 noon until 8 pm? So you can use the heating and kitchen during those hours? And the sitting room?

mahamageehad

Op, this feels a lot like one of these stories where hearing her side would make a big difference. So she hasn't actually banned you from using heating or the kitchen, she just asks who turned the heating on. Why not just say it was you coz you were cold? Difficult to tell with limited info but it sounds like you started making things awkward and she didn't attempt to fix em leaving a bad air in the house. Ye need to be adults and talk it out together and clear the air!

_Brian

I don't understand the problem.
You say she goes to her bedroom, surely then there is no need for you to go to yours??
If your unemployed surely you can have your heavy kitchen duties done when she returns at eight?? I'd be pretty pissed if you were off all day and then stuck on the kitchen when I returned at 8pm from work !!

JustAThought

If you took the room while employed & theye were no problems & now you're unemployed you could find yourself having problems if this continues & being asked to leave. Nobody ( except your OH or parents) wants to pay higher bills for something they don't use & to subsidise another persons lifestyle even if it is a forced lifestyle. I can imagine s/he might be p***** off at you sitting home & a winter heating bill being run up for all day use while she is off working & that has changed since your problem ( lost job) started. Bills can double over winter anyway as we use heat more but I can imagine this might be causing major underlying tensions - plus - if she is working all day & comes home at 8 or 9 & wants headspace away from you just give it to her!! Its not rocket science.

It must be hard losing your job & the social isolation & worry & other problems that come from that but if you focus your energies on resolving that big problem no doubt the rest will fall back into place quickly enough. Tbh it sounds as if you will have much bigger problems soon if you don't

OldMrBrennan83

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JustAThought

Patww79 wrote: »

Whatever about having the heating on during the day (definitely needs to be sorted as it's effecting everyone financially), I wouldn't give one tiny crap about her working hours and what she wants regarding the kitchen. Same as it's not her problem that you are off all day, it's not your problem that she works til 8 at night. If she needs space then let her piss off to her room for it or if she's that much of a diva then perhaps she needs to live alone.

Some people are always of the opinion you should just bend over for everyone but you're paying rent too and she's not your landlady.

I would imagine that if things have got so
Bad that s/he has asked him to leave her alone & give her space in the kitchen to use it without him pestering her when she gets home from work at an off leak hour for kitchen use, that that should be a flashing red light. It sounds like childishness on his part out of control. When a person has to say ( hopefully nicely) please leave me alone & give me space in a very specific way like that things have clearly gone very bad.

It might help clear the air if he aporoaches her & says something like ; hey I've been under a lot of stress, I'm sorry I've been accidentally driving you mad when you get home from work, I'll make sure I give you some private time in the kitchen to let you unwind when yiu get home.

Easy peasy & should invoke a nice positive reply & clear the way for more happy sharing.

OldMrBrennan83

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GingerLily

What exactly are these rules she's trying to enforce?

It feels like you are just looking for strangers on the Internet to side with you rather then looking for advice on an actual situation - drip feeding of facts make it very hard to give good advice.

rain hat

GingerLily wrote: »

What exactly are these rules she's trying to enforce?

It feels like you are just looking for strangers on the Internet to side with you rather then looking for advice on an actual situation - drip feeding of facts make it very hard to give good advice.

I'm sorry I didnt realise. I'm not clear on the facts. The housemate has since asked me to move out.

topmanamillion

rain hat wrote: »

I'm sorry I didnt realise. I'm not clear on the facts. The housemate has since asked me to move out.

You`re probably better off. I wouldn't be surprised if she has one of her mates lined up to move in and its been a concerted effort to push you out.

OldMrBrennan83

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Eric Cartman

Just playing devils advocate here,

I have lived in 5 house shares over the past decade. Three times I have been living with somebody who lost their job , no issue there, these things happen, but on each of those three occasions the same thing happened. Unemployed housemate is at home all day, keeps heating on, uses more electricity , bills show up and are way higher, unemployed housemate (for obvious reasons) lacks cash to pay the increased share of the bills , employed housemates have to foot the full brunt of the increase and it turns into arguments when the unemployed person feels like they are the victim of bullying or some sort of attack because they havent put 2 and 2 together about why bills cost more.

could this be what is occuring OP ? has your housemate perhaps dealt with this before ?

bisset

Are you getting rent allowance that covers your portion of the lease? Do you have a lease? Would it be possible for you to work things out? Maybe through mediation?

jimmycrackcorm

rain hat wrote: »

I'm sorry I didnt realise. I'm not clear on the facts. The housemate has since asked me to move out.

Why should you if she isn't your landlord?
In any case given the easing weather, heating during the day shouldn't be a problem - so what is left?

pilly

rain hat wrote:

I'm sorry I didnt realise. I'm not clear on the facts. The housemate has since asked me to move out.

She has no right to ask you to move out.

evolving_doors

pilly wrote: »

She has no right to ask you to move out.

is she the leaseholder?
MAybe OP assumes incorrectly that each tenant has equal rights/responsibilities

rain hat

Patww79 wrote: »

You don't know any of that, she could be an absolute witch.

Who's a witch? Me? The house mate I'm referring to is a woman not a man. Just to clarify. Thanks.☺

rain hat

pilly wrote: »

She has no right to ask you to move out.

I know. Shes acting like the landlord. But I don't have his contact details. She says she deals on behalf of him. She said he doesn't want to be bothered that she looks after the place.

Graces7

rain hat wrote: »

I know. Shes acting like the landlord. But I don't have his contact details. She says she deals on behalf of him. She said he doesn't want to be bothered that she looks after the place.

You need his contact details. Please call Threshold and ask their advice? They will act as advocate ie talk to her.

But also look for somewhere else?

OldMrBrennan83

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Mrs OBumble

rain hat wrote: »

I know. Shes acting like the landlord. But I don't have his contact details. She says she deals on behalf of him. She said he doesn't want to be bothered that she looks after the place.

Who do you give the rent to?

If you give it to the housemate, then you are a licensee not a tenant and the housemate has every right to ask you to move out.

If you deposit it to the landlord's account yourself then legally the LL is the only one who can tell you to leave. But i cannot understand why you'd want to stay when you don't like the housemate.

GGTrek

Gebgbegb wrote: »

pilly wrote: »

She has no right to ask you to move out.

is she the leaseholder?
MAybe OP assumes incorrectly that each tenant has equal rights/responsibilities

This is the first question the OP should have answered instead of all sorts of other low priority stuff. The elephant in the room: she has asked you to move out! All the rest is low level stuff. If your house/flat mate is the only person in the tenancy agreement then you are her licensee and she can turf you out with 24hrs notice or less since you would be considered just a paying guest in her house and suggestions to go to threshold won't fly in this case.

So the question is: have you got a lease signed with the owner of the house/apartment or his agent?

rain hat

GGTrek wrote: »

This is the first question the OP should have answered instead of all sorts of other low priority stuff. The elephant in the room: she has asked you to move out! All the rest is low level stuff. If your house/flat mate is the only person in the tenancy agreement then you are her licensee and she can turf you out with 24hrs notice or less since you would be considered just a paying guest in her house and suggestions to go to threshold won't fly in this case.

So the question is: have you got a lease signed with the owner of the house/apartment or his agent?

No, to do I have a lease signed. Yes that I pay the rent into my landlords account. And thirdly she asked me to do drugs two weeks ago. I said no she said ah come on and it is since that night I didn't partake in this then the stonewalling began.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

rain hat

Patww79 wrote: »

In that case, and if you're willing to do a stand off, just tell her you want her to move too and see who goes first. Rentals are too hard come by these days to give in to the whims of a princess.

thanks. I'd love a stand off on the basis I know she's being dishonest but all this drama is too much. I've lived in house shares before and I never had this. It's such a nice apartment but it isn't her apartment!

GGTrek

rain hat wrote: »

GGTrek wrote: »

This is the first question the OP should have answered instead of all sorts of other low priority stuff. The elephant in the room: she has asked you to move out! All the rest is low level stuff. If your house/flat mate is the only person in the tenancy agreement then you are her licensee and she can turf you out with 24hrs notice or less since you would be considered just a paying guest in her house and suggestions to go to threshold won't fly in this case.

So the question is: have you got a lease signed with the owner of the house/apartment or his agent?

No, to do I have a lease signed. Yes that I pay the rent into my landlords account. And thirdly she asked me to do drugs two weeks ago. I said no she said ah come on and it is since that night I didn't partake in this then the stonewalling began.

Ok so you are in a relatively safe situation since you have a tenancy with the owner of the house/flat you are living. However do not piss off your landlord by looking as a moaner, since you have no part 4 rights yet and he can terminate your tenancy with no reason in the first six months by just giving you 28 days notice. Do not mention to your landlord that you are unemployed, he will be very worried about your capacity of paying rent. Before making any move wait until you have 6 months of rental with part 4 rights (you will have to keep your head down)

Please keep ignoring suggestions about standoffs (it is petty stuff for immature people, unfortunately I have a couple of tenants like that), what you need is evidence of anti-social behaviour of your flat/house mate. Offering drugs, if true, is very much on the top list of anti-social behaviour, but you need evidence like recordings, text messages, photographs of anti-social behaviour on the part of your flat-mate. Once you have this evidence, then you can go to landlord (again the safe course of action is after 6 months of tenancy have expired) with this evidence and ask him that it is his duty by law (section 15 of the RTA) to take action against the anti-social tenant.

If you take this course of action, your flat/mate will probably be evicted but if she decides to stay put and start a legal fight with her landlord, given that Irish justice works in geologic times and tenants have tons of undeserved rights, expect 10 to 12 months minimum of  difficult times for you sharing with this person, because she will not be kicked out for a long time unless she chooses to go.

So a more reasonable suggestion from many posters is: look for another job and as soon as you find it, start looking for another place. Clearly as unemployed you do not have much choice at the moment.

pilly

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Who do you give the rent to?

If you give it to the housemate, then you are a licensee not a tenant and the housemate has every right to ask you to move out.

If you deposit it to the landlord's account yourself then legally the LL is the only one who can tell you to leave. But i cannot understand why you'd want to stay when you don't like the housemate.

Because it's very hard to find anywhere at the moment Mrs OBumble, especially for someone who's not working.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

GGTrek

Patww79 wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Sensible course of action then, what the OP should not do is starting a petty confrontation.

Bandana boy

OP
I would start looking for a new place , while you have every right to be there your flatmate will just go to the landlord and have you evicted.
A couple of statements including that you no longer work and are in the house all day will be red flags for the landlord and as he can remove you now relatively easy ,imo this is the route the landlord will take.

Landlords wants what is easy not what is right , prepare for the worst.

Also the advice to ask your flatmate to leave is horrible , fight the battles you can win and you lose that one and for certain escalate her talking to the landlord.