We are in a relationship but he won't accept it?

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a guy for 4 months now, and we have been exclusively together for 3 months. We get on great, spend quite a lot of time together, really click, have good sex, and we aren't seeing others. I thought things were going in a good direction, so I never asked him if he was my boyfriend or what he thought we were. He also had asked me to go to dinner with him on Valentines night.

Then a couple of days ago after sex one night, he turned to me out of the blue and said he felt things were going too fast and that he didn't see us ever being boyfriend and girlfriend, he said that he didn't see us lasting past summer and that he doesn't want to be with just one girl for all of college. I was utterly blindsided.

The next morning he went back on most things he said, and was saying that he didn't really mean it and that he wanted to stay together. He said he just didn't want to feel trapped, that he didn't know what he wanted from me but he didn't want things to be over. he felt if I was his gf that there would be too many expectations. I thought about it a lot and since I like him, I decided to stay with him. He still wanted to spend V day with me and We went on our date and we had a great night.

Today I am very confused. I am aware that I am probably going to get hurt by him as he doesn't want anything more from me more than likely. But I feel like what we have is real, there is an emotional connection, he treats me like a girlfriend, he does everything a boyfriend would. But he can't call me his girlfriend. Do I leave him? Or stay and hope he see's that what he has is a relationship?

BoredFan

If you want to be someones (his) girlfriend and he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, leave him. Don't wait for him to 'realise' - it will never happen. If he said that after sex you should have left him anyway. Why would you be 'exclusive' with someone who didn't ever see you as a gf. He would be definately on the look out for another girl. Depends what you want out of a 'relationship'. If I were you Id look for another guy as he's definately looking for another woman

Ursus Horribilis

If you weren't directly involved in this relationship you'd not be confused at all. The guy has told you in different ways that you're not the person he sees a long-term future with. I'm sure he likes you to a certain extent and enjoys the convenience of having regular sex and the companionship. Mark my words - as soon as he meets a girl he likes better than you, you'll be gone. I know it is going to be really difficult to break up with him but long-term you'll be glad. Already this doubt is starting to erode your confidence and security. That's not going to change. I can see it getting worse for you. It won't bother him at all because he has told you he's not in a relationship with you and he wants to be with other girls. If you choose to see him and have sex with him after that, then that's your call.

As for waiting for him to change his mind, you're wasting your time. I've yet to see the person who waited ending up with the man or woman of their dreams. It doesn't happen. You're storing up a hell of a lot of hurt for yourself if you hang around waiting for this guy to change his mind. In the meantime, you're depriving yourself of the chance to meet a guy who'll want to call you his girlfriend.

LegacyUser

I think that message is exactly what I am going to explain to him is the reason I can't stay with him Ursus. I like him so much that it will take a lot out of me to end it but I am only being delusional thinking he will want me. He doesn't. As real as it feels between us, I guess it isn't.

LegacyUser

Oh girl....Ive just come out of a very similar situation, all because I didnt listen to what he was actually saying.

Hung on for a year I did. Though he'd "change his mind". I really really like and cared for this guy.

My advice is (after reflecting on my own situation), if youre not happy with how is is towards you, and what he is offering, get out of it. Thats your responsibility

colmdel

Hey OP,
            You say that ye have been exclusive for 3 months but you never asked him if he was your boyfriend. To me being exclusive is being boyfriend/ girlfriend. Did you both have this conversation?

This whole story really screams of him wasting your time for company/sex or even to keep his options open. Everything is kind of in a grey area between you two therefore he is avoiding commitment. It may not be beyond the realms of possibility that if he doesn't see you two as bf/gf he wouldn't see it as cheating if he pulled a girl on a night out. 

This guy is going to mess you around op and when someone else comes along he is going to cast you aside. My advice would be to walk away.

Eimee90

The only advice i can give you, Op, is that no one says those things to someone they care about romantically and never after 3 months. If you stay with this guy, you're in for a long haul of game playing with him

silverharp

Based on the university comment I'll assume ye are both ~19 or 20?. by any normal use of the word you sound like bf/gf, why over analyse it? you're young have fun.

m-a-i-

If you want something more than he thinks he can provide I think it might be best to go your separate ways. 
Neither of ye are wrong in wanting what you want but at the end of the day months down the line if you do choose to stay with him one of you is going to end up hurt. I was in your position a few years ago OP. My then person I was seeing refused to be called my BF, hated the thought of being tied down and a year into it I had my heart broken.. it worked out because I found someone who wants the same things that I want and I couldn't be happier. 
My advice OP, really think about what you want.. do you want a relationship? then listen to him, hear what he is saying and move on. If it is meant to be it will happen

m-a-i-

If you want something more than he thinks he can provide I think it might be best to go your separate ways. 
Neither of ye are wrong in wanting what you want but at the end of the day months down the line if you do choose to stay with him one of you is going to end up hurt. I was in your position a few years ago OP. My then person I was seeing refused to be called my BF, hated the thought of being tied down and a year into it I had my heart broken.. it worked out because I found someone who wants the same things that I want and I couldn't be happier. 
My advice OP, really think about what you want.. do you want a relationship? then listen to him, hear what he is saying and move on. If it is meant to be it will happen

Big Bag of Chips

It sounds like he sees this as a casual thing. He is exclusive with you, but only because he's not interested in looking for another gf at the moment. It sounds like he wants to keep his options open in college. So telling you he never sees you as proper bf and gf means that he's already planning the end of your arrangement. He's not as emotionally invested in this as you are.

Now, depending on your ages then that's understandable. Most relationships that start in or around college don't become your lifelong, let's get married and have 4 kids, relationship. So it's kind of expected (even if it's not explicitly said!) that the relationship isn't going to last forever! If you're happy with how things are at the moment, why not just enjoy it? You're too young to be thinking of 'forever'. But if you are not happy with how things are, which is perfectly your right, nobody likes it pointed out to them that they're just a stop gap!, then you should end it and get into a relationship with someone who doesn't already have one eye on the next girl.

SarahMollie

We are in a relationship but he won't accept it?

This should read "We are not in a relationship but I won't accept it.

While there are some posters saying, sure you're young, most relationships won't stand the test of time, just enjoy it for what it is - I think thats potentially detrimental to your self esteem.

I had a boyfriend in college and surely enough, we're not together now. But, never once during our relationship did I feel like a stop gap for him, or did he undermine me by refusing to legitimate our relationship. While it was good, it was very very good. Obviously it went down the drain at some point and thats just life, but I didnt hang on to someone who wasn't committed to me at that point in time.

This guy has communicated to the OP that this is extremely temporary for him. She'd be well advised to listen to what he's telling her and end it now rather than giving more of herself to this "relationship" only to be dumped in a few months time.

Idle Passerby

Let's boil it down, you want a proper relationship, he wants something casual. Neither of you is wrong for wanting either, but you can't fulfill each others needs when you both want different things. If you feel you have to convince someone your worth being with, your already on a loosing streak. Cut your losses and admit you want more than he can provide.Thats not a slight on him, it's just a fact.

bucketybuck

A young kid at university?

It's worth pointing out that two things could be true at the same time, that he really likes you a hell of a lot, and that he is keenly aware of being a young kid at university who wasn't really ready for a serious commitment.

Do what's right for yourself and be realistic about what's happening, but there's no point demonising the lad either, he is not necessarily a using scumbag. There have been plenty of young men and women who have met other people they liked but at the wrong time in their lives.

pookie82

Think for a moment about the serious long term self esteem and emotional damage you would be doing to YOURSELF by staying with this guy. Always being the date/sex but never deemed "enough" to be the girlfriend.

You'll grow more and more attached as time goes on and his get-out-of-jail card at any moment will be "sure I always said we weren't serious". It's his green light to treat you like dirt, sleep around, or drop you like a hot potato when something "better" comes along.

I and many of my friends experienced this kind of thing in college ... young guys we had a "connection" with who liked us back but didn't want to be tied down because of youth/choice/a fear of missing out. In so many cases of this, within a couple of months said guys were actually in exclusive relationships with someone new because (and I'm sorry to say this) someone they deemed "worth it" came along and they went that extra mile. It just wasn't me/my mates at that time for whatever reason.

If you really value yourself you won't settle for this.

Cupcake_Crisis

It seems like the guy has basically told you that he's not ready to be in a serious relationship, which is fine. But it leaves you with a choice to make -

You accept the fact that you both want different things atm, walk away as friends and perhaps the situation can be revisited a few years down the road. Or....

You hope he changes his mind and end up heartbroken a few months down the line when he doesn't. You'll end up hating him for it.

As most people have said, situations like this can really mess with your self esteem. If you want more don't settle for less.

LegacyUser

My advice is end things with him. He is blowing hot and cold on you. He is happy to have you around to go out with the odd night and for sex. He knows that you want a realtionship but he wants to keep his options open.

I watched a freind of mine in a similar position to you a few years ago. She knew this man as a friend for long time. One night they kissed and ended up in bed. Over the following few weeks she was meeting him for some fun. He knew she wanted a realtionship with her but like your boyfriend he wanted to keep his options open.
One weekend she arranged to meet him and he cancelled a few days before. She said to him why don't I come up to your house next weekend to be told I am away.
The following weekend she saw photos of him and this woman at a party. After that weekend he told her yes x is my girlfriend and we have been going out with each other for the past month. A few week later he sent her a text to tell her that x was pregnant.

My friend was very upset over all this. Here was he having a baby with a woman he hardly knew and rubbing this in her face.

Well now a few years later. Him and x broke up a few months before the child was born. She moved back home and had the baby. My friend heard recently that he gives her no money for the child, his health is poor and he is in financial trouble.

My friend told me recently that she had a lucky escape when he decided she was not good enought to be his girlfriend after hearing all of the above. As she said to me - I learned that unless your with someone who wants the same thing as you just walk away. Don't give someone time or warm there bed until in their mind someone better arrives into their life.

Some people are happy with a being **** buddies, playing the field or keeping there options open but it you want a realtionship just say I want more and walk away.

timmy880

He's had 3-4 months of good sex and fun dates and now has said he doesn't see this being something long term.

I don't think it's him who needs to accept something here.........