Unwanted Attention

LegacyUser

Hi all, Going unreg for this. I just want to obtain advice from anyone who has had the same problem of attracting people who are a little bit odd and obsessive both in terms of asking you out on dates and in terms of 'friends'. I have a bunch of really great friends and make friends very easily anywhere I go. I am generally a cheerful and sociable person, like to have a laugh and have been said by others to be a 'popular' person. I am female in my early 30s. However, I think I have attracted more than my fair share of oddballs over the years and am starting to wonder why. Let me give a few e.g.s = in the form of two females who were acquaintances more than friends and started doing creepy things like asking where I bought my bracelet and then coming in with the same one, asking where my runners came from and coming in with the same pair and copying my style, my tastes etc. I have also attracted a few oddball men who asked me out and didn't seem to understand the word 'no'. Things just came to a bit of a head today when I got an unwanted Valentines Card from a guy at work who I barely spoke to for five minutes and who asked me out last week and who I clearly said 'no' to. He also approached me in front of all of my colleagues last week on the day that I had said 'no'. I thought that was the end of it. Then arrives the card today. I heard through the grapevine that he's a little unstable. While still a bit unsettled I am very angry now as well. I don't want to go making official complaints or anything as perhaps he's just odd and awkward. I think I have a right to not be scared at work though. Anyway, I'm fearing the problem is a bit broader for me or perhaps this latest instalment has just made me think back on all of the previous oddballs. Anyone else had this problem? Am I being too friendly and nice or why do I attract people who don't understand boundaries? Am I being too highly strung? Is this normal to get a good bit of unsolicited attraction and people copying you?

freshpopcorn

To be honest the first half of your post sound like something I've heard teenage girls say about people copying their style. Lots of people be it friends or family see something nice that someone has and then they decidede to get as well right down from a packet of biscuits to a new car!
Regarding the guy at work theirs a chance he thinks your playing hard to get. I know loads of couples and they woman said No to the guy loads of times before going in a date with him and now their happily married.

Skibunny77

Lots of women are inspired to buy an item after seeing a friend wear it. It can be a little annoying but very common and hardly a reflection on the type of person you attract!!

As for attracting odd men, sometimes the eccentrics are braver in a sense and have no worries about approaching you. A very firm, no thank you initially and if a guy persists, a follow up email saying their attention is unwelcome should do the trick, especially in a work setting. I think you are overthinking this Op.

LegacyUser

I think you're over reacting, as for people buying things that you have, I've close friends that do this, we've shown up to meet each other in the same boots and cardigan lol, I just think it's funny and I'd take it as a compliment that they like my style, I've bought things they have too with no intention of trying to copy them. going as far to say they're copying you just sounds a bit egocentric. As for the guy, it happens, I've attracted my fair amount of unwanted attention, I've had a guy practically stalk me and got it into his head that we were a couple, when I rejected him he thought I was playing hard to get. Another guy told his friends and family I was his girlfriend. All my female friends have had very similar experiences. I think reporting him is going to far, it was just a card. Tell him you're not interested, ignore him and he'll move on. He could be trying it on with 10 other women for all you know, I wouldn't let it go to your head. It happens.

ManOfMystery

You seem to categorise anyone who annoys you into this category of 'oddballs'. It's a weird label to apply to anyone in my opinion, but that's another argument.

So men ask you out, you say no, and they maybe ask again. That's called being persistent - not odd. It's not right or wrong but I don't think there's anything inherently strange about it. Sometimes people change their mind or admire the fact that someone didn't give up at the first hurdle when asking them out. Other times they don't. As mentioned, people can sometimes be perceived as playing hard to get. Whatever the scenario, I don't think they deserve to be labelled oddballs for trying again - save that label for stalkers, perverts or genuinely strange people.

The guy at work likes you. Because you spurned his advances doesn't mean he will stop liking you. He sent you a Valentine's card as a romantic gesture. Should he have done it after you told him no? Probably not, but I can't see why you would actually sound so offended by it - it's not like he's parked outside your house peeking in your window. Saying he's unstable, you're angry and you have a right 'not to be scared at work' because someone sent you a Valentine's card sounds like massive over-reaction to me. There are many, many worse examples of male colleagues behaving badly than that.

So someone copies you and purchases a similar or identical item or clothing or jewellery. So what? Isn't that a sign that they admire your taste in fashion and somewhat a backhanded compliment? A workmate of mine liked a jacket I had so bought the same one, am I meant to be offended and dictate to him what he can and can't wear? Again, there's nothing odd about it, it happens a lot.

You seem quick to anger if someone repeatedly crosses your path in a way you don't like. It's just a fact of life that this will happen, and for your own health and stress levels, I'd suggest taking a deep breath and letting it wash over you. None of these examples quoted are remotely serious.

Big Bag of Chips

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You seem to categorise anyone who annoys you into this category of 'oddballs'.

That's a fair point! If you fancied a fella would you think he was an 'oddball' for approaching you?

The girls buying stuff they saw on you and liked? So?! Isn't it what this whole generation of bloggers have built their livelihoods on. Showing something nice and encouraging people to buy it! Your friends just took this off line and into real life. I don't see the issue.

Maybe this fella really fancies you, and maybe he thinks you're playing hard to get. Maybe from your interactions with him you think you're friendly, he thinks you're flirting. If you are constantly attracting 'the wrong type of attention' (according to you) then maybe it is time to adjust how you behave around certain people. You can always be courteous and polite, whilst keeping a professional distance with people too. You can have a chat with this feels if you want and tell him you are not interested, or you can completely avoid him. Avoid situations where you are together. Avoid being alone, or in a small group with him. Avoid sitting beside him etc.

You don't have to change the person you are, but we all tailor our behaviour slightly depending on who we are dealing with. Even though you might be popular, and enjoy being friendly to most people, you're going to have to take the hit on this one and make a conscious effort to not be popular or friendly with this fella!

silverharp

I wonder OP are you gaslighting yourself a little (if that makes sense) . I mean presumably over the years loads of people have made chit chat comments about stuff you wear so why on a couple of occasions would someone buying a similar thing be "creepy" ?
And as for the "creepy men" , how have your own relationships been , have you done lots of dating, been in serious and non serious relationships? its possible their behaviour is perfectly normal but you are misinterpreting it.

LynnGrace

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

That's a fair point! If you fancied a fella would you think he was an 'oddball' for approaching you?

The girls buying stuff they saw on you and liked? So?! Isn't it what this whole generation of bloggers have built their livelihoods on. Showing something nice and encouraging people to buy it! Your friends just took this off line and into real life. I don't see the issue.

Maybe this fella really fancies you, and maybe he thinks you're playing hard to get. Maybe from your interactions with him you think you're friendly, he thinks you're flirting. If you are constantly attracting 'the wrong type of attention' (according to you) then maybe it is time to adjust how you behave around certain people. You can always be courteous and polite, whilst keeping a professional distance with people too.You can have a chat with this feels if you want and tell him you are not interested, or you can completely avoid him. Avoid situations where you are together. Avoid being alone, or in a small group with him. Avoid sitting beside him etc.

You don't have to change the person you are, but we all tailor our behaviour slightly depending on who we are dealing with. Even though you might be popular, and enjoy being friendly to most people, you're going to have to take the hit on this one and make a conscious effort to not be popular or friendly with this fella!

Absolutely agree. I worked with someone who I could imagine writing your post, OP. Things always started well, in work, with friends, in house shares. Then, in a matter of weeks, I would be listening to a litany of what others had done wrong.

She was a very nice, highly intelligent and competent person, btw.
I think she struggled with establishing boundaries. So, just one example, moving into a new house / apartment, she would be really open and friendly with the others, telling them her life story, listening to theirs.
Within days, she would be complaining that the others were burdening her with their problems.

So to reiterate what Big Bag has said, do look at keeping a polite, professional distance from people in your work situation, and elsewhere if needs be.

Idle Passerby

Are you leaving out some details about why you are frightened by this man's interest in you? Of course you shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable at work and if his behaviour is causing distress then it's unacceptable but from what you've said he isn't necessarily being creepy, just annoying and a bit on the socially inept side. How did your other colleagues react to him asking you out in front of them? Next time you see him just tell him your uncomfortable with his interest, you've said no and you'd prefer he leave it at that.

The issue with women buying the same jewellery as you is really silly.

timmy880

So men ask you out, you say no, and they maybe ask again. That's called being persistent - not odd. It's not right or wrong but I don't think there's anything inherently strange about it. Sometimes people change their mind or admire the fact that someone didn't give up at the first hurdle when asking them out. Other times they don't. As mentioned, people can sometimes be perceived as playing hard to get. Whatever the scenario, I don't think they deserve to be labelled oddballs for trying again - save that label for stalkers, perverts or genuinely strange people.

In work in front of everyone after you've already said no to them? And then a valentines card a week later? I've worked in offices for 6 years with men and women and have never come across anything like this. It's not persistent, it's just weird.

freshpopcorn

timmy880 wrote: »

In work in front of everyone after you've already said no to them? And then a valentines card a week later? I've worked in offices for 6 years with men and women and have never come across anything like this. It's not persistent, it's just weird.

To be honest I'd say over majority of the couples I know the woman always said No to the first the time she was asked out.
PS I doubt the guy made an announcement to the whole office!

eviltwin

timmy880 wrote: »

In work in front of everyone after you've already said no to them? And then a valentines card a week later? I've worked in offices for 6 years with men and women and have never come across anything like this. It's not persistent, it's just weird.

Its inappropriate after she said no that's for sure especially seeing as its a work situation but I'd imagine he's either a bit socially awkward and isn't very good at social cues or is the kind of person who needs a few more no's to get the message.

Either way OP if it happens again tell him you will have no option but to take it further but don't allow rumors and gossip about his state of mind to scare you. Its just gossip and doesn't mean anything.

Addle

There's one of those girls where I work.
She hasn't a mind of her own at all and copies everything a few people do and buy, from pennys tops to foreign holidays.
I feel sorry for her.

Just take the attraction as a compliment.

People can be strange, and seem to get stranger the older we get!

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Rekop dog

I was reading and waiting for all the 'odd' and 'creepy' to kick in but it never did.

None of the behaviours you've described were that abnormal at all, most people have to deal with unwanted attention from the opposite sex at some point, but most people don't have a narcissistic view that it only happens to them like you do.

For you to build extremely trivial things into an anger issue is something you should probably seek professional help for. The overriding feeling I got from reading the post ironically was that dare I say *you* were a little odd.

Big Bag of Chips

UnsettledWorried wrote: »

Is this normal to get a good bit of unsolicited attraction...?

just off the top of my head:

I was proposed to on my 18th birthday by a fella I'd kissed once. He then threatened to jump into the river when I turned him down. I think he copped on when he realised he'd get wet, and cold, and most likely land in mucky sludge!

I was followed off a bus by a man telling me I had a lovely face, and he was looking for an Irish girl to marry. I had to go into a shop, just to have people around me. He insisted I gave him my number, I didn't. He then gave me his number and forcefully told me to make sure I rang him. I had to wait about 10 minutes in the shop to be sure he was gone, and was still uneasy leaving the shop!

I was approached on the quays in Dublin on my way to work at 8:30 one morning, and asked, by a tracksuited gentleman did I want sex that night? I'm still not sure if he was offering himself to me, or offering to get me some 'business'!!?!

Apart from the first fella, these other lads didn't even know me. The fella on the bus struck up conversation and I was polite! So they weren't giving me "unsolicited attraction" because of my lovely personality!!

I'm sure there are other incidents, possibly during my nightclub days that I just don't remember!! So yes, it's not all that unusual to be approached with unwanted attention. Probably happens roughly the same amount of time as being approached with welcomed attention, which, in turn probably happens a lot less than we would like it to!!

Oh: I also got obscene phone calls from a neighbour when I was about 17!! (Along with a few other neighbours of all shapes, sizes and ages!!)

LegacyUser

Thank you folks for the help. And I agree about the term 'oddball'. I perhaps shouldn't have used that. All the best. Can you close this mods please. Thank you very much.