Advice with new man and his ex PLEASE...

Needhelp87

I need a little advice about the guy I'm currently seeing. We have been seeing eachother for a couple of months. He's very sweet, funny. We have so much fun when we are together. We have gone go karting, bowling we went mountain climbing and out drinking together.. Everytime we have both had a great time.

Last weekend he went out with his friends and went a little crazy with the drinking. He ended up calling his ex out of anger. He had met a guy that she cheated on him with and said he got angry..

Anyway I called everything off.. A week later we met up because he said he wanted to explain everything to me. So he said he has absolutely no feelings for her what so ever. That he's so disappointed in himself for even calling her. He said he is still hurt by what happened between them, and angry that they made him look like a fool and then seeing him out brought it all out of him.

I've been cheated on in the past and when he explained it that way it made sense to me because I am still hurt by what my ex did to me and my only saving grace is I don't see the girl out... Otherwise I don't know how I would react.. I can't say I wouldn't get angry and want to vent this to my ex even though I don't have any feelings for him.

So we had a chat about what we expect from eachother. I made clear what I want and he has apologised and seems truly embarrassed and disappointed. We have decided to continue to date, have fun and see where this goes. We have both said we like eachother enough to see where this goes. As its only been a short time love definitely isn't a feeling either of us feel yet.

I just have a fear he isn't over the ex yet even though he has said over and over again he is.. I know i have a fear of exs, they always become an issue in my mind with any relationship because the one guy I truly loved cheated repeatedly with his ex. So now here I am, wondering am I asking for trouble by pursuing this, maybe walking away is easier than risking my heart being hurt once more


I do think we could have something great. We have chemistry, we get on so well... Our sense of humor is very similar and we just know how to make eachother laugh.

Any advice? Do I trust him when he says he's over her and just see how this goes.. Or do I run for the Hills....?

Thanks for any advice

professore

I think he just lost it after seeing the guy his ex cheated with. In my view it is understandable. He knows it was stupid and is ashamed and embarrassed. I'd let it slide. If he calls her again though, knowing what happened the last time, and how you feel about it, then that's a different matter.

Needhelp87

professore wrote: »

I think he just lost it after seeing the guy his ex cheated with. In my view it is understandable. He knows it was stupid and is ashamed and embarrassed. I'd let it slide. If he calls her again though, knowing what happened the last time, and how you feel about it, then that's a different matter.

Thank you for your reply. Yes I do think he is sincere and means what he says but I just needed that outsider perspective. He said he is hurt and seeing that guy, who also tries to be pals with him makes him mad. He just doesn't like him obviously. I had to put myself in his shoes and once I did I realised I would probably have reacted the same way.

Thank you

professore

Needhelp87 wrote: »

Thank you for your reply. Yes I do think he is sincere and means what he says but I just needed that outsider perspective. He said he is hurt and seeing that guy, who also tries to be pals with him makes him mad. He just doesn't like him obviously. I had to put myself in his shoes and once I did I realised I would probably have reacted the same way.

Thank you

The other guy wants to be friends with him? What an absolute ass. He should just sit back and enjoy as he destroys his ex's life.

Skibunny77

Op, he hasn't hidden any of this from you and is honest enough to admit he is human and makes mistakes. He sounds genuine, don't let old fears and experiences cloud your judgment.

SB_Part2

How did you find out he called his ex? If he was open and honest with you I don't think you've anything to worry about.

LegacyUser

Needhelp87 wrote: »

he said he has absolutely no feelings for her what so ever.

Yes he does. He may well be genuinely remorseful about the call, but the above is just not true. When you have no feelings for someone, you don't call them. The call may have been triggered by the sight of someone else, but there had to be feelings in him to be triggered. Maybe someday he'll be over what happened and have no feelings for her at all, but that day hasn't come yet. Maybe he only has anger for her and no positive feelings at all, but that's still a set of feelings that needs resolution before he's ready to move on properly.

What just happened between you isn't resolved unless he properly, genuinely addresses the fact that whatever they may be, he still has feelings for his ex.

Needhelp87

He has been completely honest with me about it. I kind of lost it when he said and wouldn't listen to him and sent him home. We took a week to think and messaged here and there. When we met up he seemed completely genuine. I asked straight out did he have feelings for her and he said no not a chance but that he is very hurt by how he was treated by her and other people.

I had a chat with a mutual friend of ours about it and she made me see it from a different angle. She said it may have been just a moment of madness and not to give up on it all. I don't think id have considered it that way if I hadn't talked with her. I'm guessing my past is rearing it ugly head and made me react how I did.

Of course I'm not extra wary, but I guess that's natural.

leggo

I was completely with you, alarm bells and all, until you said you called it off on the spot. That's not a rational, considered reaction. It's very dramatic too.

People, in general not just you OP, need to realise that feelings aren't black-and-white. When you finish with someone, you don't just arrive at a day where you're 'over' them, like a button has magically switched off in your brain and you're now ready to date again. You can be totally ready to date someone new but still care about your ex's wellbeing (some people never stop caring about certain exes). You can still hate or be bitter about how things ended but also know that you'd never go back and want something new. You can even still wish things worked out differently but understand that they didn't and meet someone who makes you realise, in time, that you wouldn't have what you have with them if the previous thing hadn't ended. You can be completely over someone, then something unexpected can happen (like this) that can just set you off and bring up bad emotions.

Break-ups and matters of the heart are complex and, too often, people punish potential romantic interests for the crime of being human.

This particular case was something to take note of for the future but not finish a promising new relationship over. Keep that in mind in future OP and keep your cards closer to your chest, for your own sake. Say you are in early days in a new situation, if you overreact to something like this then you close a door of communication that you could've otherwise used to work through things in the future. What I mean by that is that if anything about his ex ever comes up, now you've taught him that he can't say it to you or else he might get dumped. So he has to deal with it, you've now left yourself in the cold, whereas if you'd handled it better and with a cooler head you'd encourage honesty and build the foundation of a stronger relationship.

Also: I always say that a break-up should be a one-time thing, after much consideration and processing of the facts (unless someone does something unforgivable of course). It's not a tool to use to express anger or disappointment, nor should it be done lightly because of how you can legitimately mess someone up by it (seriously, break ups have as comparable an impact on us emotionally as deaths). If you want to break-up with someone, do yourself and them a favour and only do it when you've processed everything, considered all options and know for sure it's what you want to do.

Needhelp87

Thank you for your lengthy reply. It makes so much sense to me.

I do realise I over reacted and probably should have talked it through with him, but he was so hungover and unable to verbalise anything that made sense.

I have been hurt in the past, cheated on and I think my mind immediately went back to that time. I swore I'd never let another man treat me like that and when the ex is involved it just makes matters a lot worse in my head. But yes. I definitely need to re-evaluate how I react to things. He did need the whole week to iron things out in his head so regardless how I would have reacted I think he would still have stayed clear of me.. He was so upset with himself that he had to have a serious think of why he did it. When we spoke it made sense to us both.

Thank you. Your reply is definitely one I will take on board.

Needhelp87

I'm having a little trouble the past couple of days. Feeling paranoid, I haven't talked to him about it as I don't want to come across as this type of person because I'm not.

Unfortunately I am letting my past experience with my ex creep back into my mind and I am convincing myself it's going to happen all over again. I am now afraid of going forward with this relationship, I really want to but I am so fearful for many reasons.

1. I know right now I'm not in love with him, I like him and care for him but not in love. We have amazing chemistry and I do feel like in time I could totally fall for him!! When we talked the last night he also said he's not in love with me but likes me too and wants to see where it goes but I am unsure after his ex that he would fall in love again.

2. They have only been finished for about 6 or 7 months so in my mind I'm wondering am I a rebound. He did say though that the relationship was over in his mind long before it actually ended. That they tried time again and it just didn't work.

3. I'm worried that we keep going and seeing eachother and he decides he's not ready to commit, am I setting myself up for a broken heart again? I know it's a risk I have to take but I feel like turning and running to avoid it even though I don't want to!!

4. My main fear is that him and his ex carry on behind my back... Yep I know I have no reason to think like this but it is my main fear. Again I know this is because of my ex.. The thing is I know I'm completely over my ex, it's been 8 years since we split but I truly loved him... And it took a long time for me to move on. Mainly because of other issues stemming from our relationship.

How do I go forward now feeling like this, being paranoid and not ruining what we potentially have??

I might add he has been totally attentive, when we meet we have so much fun, he texts every day but my imagination is killing me..

SB_Part2

I think you should probably forget about this relationship and concentrate on yourself for awhile. Deal with the issues you have around trust. It's not fair on him when he's been completely open and honest with you.

bucketybuck

God help the poor lad, he will learn not to tell you things in future if this is the reaction he can expect.

racso1975

Unfortunately I am letting my past experience with my ex creep back into my mind and I am convincing myself it's going to happen all over again. I am now afraid of going forward with this relationship, I really want to but I am so fearful for many reasons.

I might add he has been totally attentive, when we meet we have so much fun, he texts every day but my imagination is killing me..

You see the contradiction between the 2 statements? On one hand you have a great partner that seems to tick all the boxes. On the other hand you have let yourself get into on obsessive thought process that this relationship is doomed to fail due to a past experience and that it will be that very reason again. That your current partner will run off with his ex!!! I would say its safe to say when you are in his company these thoughts do not happen but when you are alone they come flooding in to your head?

The previous relationship that you got hurt in was over 8 years ago. have you had a proper relationship since then or have you allowed it to dictate the last 8 years of your life? At what point are you going to take control of the situation cause it is yours to own!!!!! One way that may seem simplistic is to list the positives of your current partner. All the good he does, the way he makes you feel the way you feel about him. Then do the negatives but be realistic cause as it currently stands all we have is he contacted an ex to rip her a new one (prob a positive if you ask me). Then go through the list of ALL the relationships you know friends family etc and calculate how many of them have been hurt by a partner running back to an ex!!

There are some cold facts you need to realise:

1) Every single solitary relationship is doomed to end in heartache. Every single one of them. Why? Cause even if you stay together for 100 years one of you has to die hence one person is left heart broken. But by god it is worth it. Ask any 80 yr old widower/widow and they will tell you this.

2) Everybody from at least the age of 12 has an ex! So you will never really be able to find a partner who doesn't. So you gonna stay single forever


3) You will become a self fulfilling prophecy. You continue to think it wont work, it wont work, it wont work and guess what? It wont, it cant because you didn't fully commit to it and saw problems that were not there.

4) Some men are arseho!es as are some women. People get hurt in all different types of relationships. You are allowing that person that hurt you to continue to do it on a daily basis by judging every man to be the same as him. Why?

All relationships are a risk. I have seen people hurt more by toxic friendships then they have by partners. You have to accept that is the risk you take there is no getting around it.

lunalex

How long has it been since his ex cheated on him?

How did you find out he phoned the other girl did he tell you?