infatuation

LegacyUser

I'm no spring chicken so it's embarrassing having to ask a bunch of strangers about this!! Been in a fair few relationships over the years, mostly short term but 2 long term ones. Last year met a guy and from the first moment I had such immense attraction I could hardly talk to him-this continued al the while we dated. Rarely happens to me. Anyway this guy was emotionally unavailable, history of terrible relationships etc but that couldn't overturn my obsession and we dragged it out for almost a year until he finished it. I knew all along he made me unhappy as I was so insecure but I was so crazy about him. He consumed my thoughts night and day. Even now, 4 months on I'm still thinking about him and I think I miss the crazy feelings rather than him personally? Now have dated a new guy a few times and it's going really smoothly, no drama, so much in common etc. From first time I met him I thought he was attractive even though not conventionally good looking. I find the past week though, I'm aware I'm not obsessed with him in the same way and questioning if this means I'm not really attracted to him etc and am now afraid of hurting him as he seems really together. I'm afraid that I'll compare every guy I meet to my ex and the feelings of infatuation. I always had a type (tall, good-looking, artistic ,messed up and distant!) but this was the second time I'd dated 'my ideal'. I need to go beyond. I can find other guys attractive ( and have mostly dated guys who don't fit this ideal ) but I won't be infatuated and feel intense chemistry unless they meet this ideal I've built in my head. I wish I'd never met my ex as then I wouldn't have this comparison and know what was missing ( even though I'm gaining so much more with new guy who I can actually relate to !!) I need counseling for sure. I have a history of mild depression, anxiety, a bit ocd so I don't trust my brain and instincts

Bambi985

friendship and emotional stability is a lot more important in a relationship than that intense passion you've described. 9 times out of 10 it burns out as quickly as it ignited and the obsessive infatuation becomes obsessive hatred and resentment. i've seen this ten times over if i've seen it once.

If you're beyond the flings and f*ck buddies stage of your life, you should be looking for the values that will help you to build a life with someone. Besides the obvious fact that you need to fancy them. Emotional availability and stability, kindness, affection, consideration, an independent man who has his sh*t together. Your ex doesn't sound like any of these things so you were on a hiding to nothing.

dellas1979

Just be aware of this/something Ive learned along the years

Youre keeping yourself stuck/in your safe zone. Even though that zone isnt safe at all (I mean the unsuitable guys you are feeling yourself attracted to).

Youve to be very aware of this side to you. Because when things are going great, in a normal functioning relationship, this is when it gets hard (for you). Its self sabotage. As you are so used to being in that other zone.

You really need to figure out yourself (through knowing yourself), what you want/need from a guy/relationship, and then based on this, does he meet them? And of course, physical attraction is quite a big one. But so is being emotionally available.

I would also say, google attachment issues in adults. And be aware of this when you feel yourself going down the slippery slope of (and you know already) doomed relationship.

BoredFan

Infatuation is what it was. And you say you are no spring chicken and you obsessed night and day over the first guy. This sounds 'romantic' but it's not healthy for a mature person. As the first poster said I think you should google up on attachment issues. If you know your 'type' is distant and 'messed up' I think that you must realise this is going to impact your 'mild ' depression at some point.

LegacyUser

all your comments were really helpful. Dallas I know I sabotage potential relationshoips. To be honest, I don't think Im capable of being in a normal functioning relationship at all . I want one ( I think ) but its omplicated by fact that I dont really like company most of the time, prefer doing my own thing, am easily irritated and annoyed by everyone and can be distant and detached myself ( terrible childhood etc) I rarely really get into a guy ( I find fault with myself and similarly find fault with guys unless they meet my ideal) . Physical attraction is important to me ( not the only thing) but the sad reality is that I find very few guys physically attractive . Always been like this but naturally getting worse as I get older. IM fully aware that Im messed up . Im thinking I need to finish with current guy as Im just not bothered or excited by him ( haven't even wanted to sleep with him ).. go for years of counselling to work on my messed up head and then try dating again ?
Or accept who I am and settle for a non-close relationship with ex as to be honest, even though its a headwreck, Id prefer that to feeling meh about someone. Unless or until I have years of counselling., theres no happy medium for me . Ive done counselling in the past for 6 years but Im still messed up about relationships and to be honest am sick of forcing myself to like guys . I feel passion where sex isn't a chore about once every 5 years . This post is all over the place, am just so disgusted with myself for being in the same position again where first few dates I thought there was potential with someone but realise on date no 3 when it comes to even kissing that Im not excited and go off them at a rate of knots. I can understand why I self destruct like this but I cant prevent it and its so bloody unfair on normal guys . aaagh my head is wrecked

Dr Crayfish

You're all over over the shop. Why do you want to be in a relationship so badly? With the personality traits you've described how could you ever have a good relationship? This obsessive desire you speak about is not a good thing, it will just cause someone like you unhappiness in the long run. Did you have a dramatic childhood? Do you feed on drama?
I'm no spring chicken either but I'm finally very happy with being single now and life has never been better. I would run a mile from someone like you tbh.
Whatever underlying issues you have you need to work on those and maybe one day you'll be able to enjoy a normal relationship.

LegacyUser

I like sex and caring for someone and being cared about. I have had all those things once Ive gotten past the initial meh stages and gotten close to guys and been happier than am on my own . Im fully aware Im messed up , go from detached to overly attached-just hoping others here with attachment issues might tell me how or if its possible to overcome them eg Do I need treatment for my depression. that's why was wondering if I should go for non committed relationships like I had with ex I was attracted to - so that I get sex and some intimacy , maybe that's all im as much capable of as him deep down. Believe me, Im my own worst critic .
Anyway Mods can you close this thread please.

Dr Crayfish

sparkhelp wrote: »

I like sex and caring for someone and being cared about. I have had all those things once Ive gotten past the initial meh stages and gotten close to guys and been happier than am on my own . Im fully aware Im messed up , go from detached to overly attached-just hoping others here with attachment issues might tell me how or if its possible to overcome them eg Do I need treatment for my depression. that's why was wondering if I should go for non committed relationships like I had with ex I was attracted to - so that I get sex and some intimacy , maybe that's all im as much capable of as him deep down. Believe me, Im my own worst critic .
Anyway Mods can you close this thread please.

Well sorry if I was harsh, but by the sounds of things the last thing you should be doing is getting in a relationship, for your sake, and moreso the sake of the other party!
Sort the rest of your life and head out first, if you can, then everything will fall into place.