Grief and regret

LegacyUser

My beloved grandmother passed away last week after a valiant battle against pulmonary fibrosis (a severe lung disease). She was 79 years old. It was my first encounter with the death of someone very close to me; I'm 26 years old and come from a really small family.

I handled the experience of encountering death quite well, and I was surprised at the strength I displayed on the night she died and in the subsequent days.
Aside from the fact that my world feels a whole lot smaller and emptier since my nan left it, there is a strong element of regret associated with my grief.

My nan adored the ground I walk on and we always got on well, with rarely any arguments. But I traveled a lot during the last two years of her life, and I feel I should have been with her more. I spent 7 months in Australia in 2015, stayed home for 4 months, and then spent two separate periods of 3 months traveling in Thailand during 2016.

Whenever I was in Ireland during the last two years, I'd come down and stay with her once or twice a week. But it wasn't enough. I should have been there more and even when I did stay with her, I didn't speak to her enough. She was quite depressed over the fact that she couldn't leave the house anymore due to breathlessness, and we used to sit in her kitchen making small talk but for the most part, sitting in quietness.

I just wish I told her I loved her more and I appreciated everything she done for me during her life and all the incredible kindness she displayed to me with paying for holidays when I was younger because my parents couldn't afford them, buying me video games, and all sorts of other stuff.

I took solace that her suffering was over when she passed because her illness really was bad. But I definitely feel a strong sense of regret. Not sure if anyone has advice but it always feels nice to share stuff like this and get support. Thanks for reading.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. But you should realise it's completely normal. First off, as a young person in your early 20s, you shouldn't feel guilty for doing things that people your age do. I can't imagine your gran would have preferred you to stay home and sit in her kitchen! Loneliness and depression, unfortunately are feelings that older people will experience. Not necessarily because of anyone or anything they do/don't do. But the realisation that they are getting older, are less independent, can't do the simple daily things that they could easily do even just a few years ago, is a fairly big thing to accept. She could have been surrounded 24 hours a day by every member of her family laughing and reminiscing with her and still have those feelings.

Also, there's not many people who spend their time telling their family members they love them! Real life isn't tv and whilst some families are very openly affectionate with each other, I'd say the huge majority of families aren't. It doesn't mean that people don't know they are loved and cherished though.

I think you are going through a very natural grieving process. There are stages you will go through, and some of the stages will affect you and last longer than the others. You may always have the regret that you didn't tell your nan how much she meant to you, but use that regret to let others in your family know how much they mean to you. It can be through actually telling them, or it can be through small gestures that let them know you appreciate them.

Be kind to yourself. What you are feeling is normal. And I don't believe your nan would have felt anything but affection for you and proud of the adult you were turning into.

BrokenWingz

Yes, regrets are completely normal for most of us.  I have many of them and most days convince myself that my parents and brother have forgiven me for not doing all the things I wish I had.  I would imagine your nan really enjoyed hearing about your travels and was so proud of you.  My dad had pulmonary fibrosis so I know firsthand how awful it is.  You visited every time you were home, and even if you didn't talk much I am sure your presence was a comfort.  I have known very few people who didn't feel as if they should have "done more" while their loved ones were alive.

Ursus Horribilis

Regretful, I'm sorry for your loss. You're going through a tough time at the moment so be kind to yourself and try not to beat yourself up over things you can't change.

My grandmother died from emphysema when I was around your age. Granted, it wasn't the first big death in my life. Granddad had died a decade earlier. But seeing her struggling for breath and not being able to stir from her chair was so hard to watch. I saw her in the days before she died and some of those memories still don't make me feel good if I think about them long enough.

Please don't feel guilty about going travelling in recent years. If your gran was anything like mine, she would have been proud as punch of you. My gran took a great interest in what all of her grandchildren were doing. She loved it when someone went to college or got a job or went travelling or did something else to broaden their horizons. She was from the generation where these opportunities weren't there for young people. Your gran wouldn't have wanted you to be sitting in her kitchen instead of going out there and doing something different.

Love is expressed in lots of different ways. BBOC made a really good point. Real life isn't like TV and most Irish people don't go around dishing out "I love yous" like confetti. Your gran will have picked up your love for her in different ways. You won't have needed to have thanked her for the video games and the likes. Seeing your happy face and you playing the games will have spoken as loudly to her as floury words. You still spent time with your gran even when she was ill. There's little you could've done to lift her unhappiness and depression at her condition (I've googled it - it's sounds really awful ) But the thing is, you were there when things got bad. You sat with her and she will have loved you for doing that.

I remember your other thread in Personal Issues. Maybe you could use this time of grieving to do something constructive. How about helping to get your mum's fitness and weight back on track? She's hurting too but in a different way. A gentle push - take her out walking. Try new recipes. That sort of thing. It'd be something positive to concentrate on. Grief is a very individual thing and comes in different stages. Eventually you will be fine but don't be hard on yourself. And as I've already gone on about at length, don't blame yourself. You weren't to know what was going to happen to your gran. Besides, from what I can see you were a good grandson.

Lucuma

My Dad died from IPF as well, it's a horrible death and the lead up to it. My father was pretty miserable as well for the last while being housebound and the rest of it. I'm glad that part was short (although he went really quick which was a shock). Just witnessing the decline and the death itself is a trauma that takes time to get over, not to mention grief and the rest of it.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You went down and stayed once or twice a week whenever you were home? That's pretty amazing to be honest. And I know with IPF, my Dad wasn't able for long conversations towards the end, they're too breathless for that. And a depressed person just wants to know someone is there, there doesn't have to be fantastic conversations going on, you were there whenver you could be and that's all that matters - your physical presence in her kitchen.
I wasn't expecting my father to pass away suddenly mid way through January. We do every second Xmas and the Xmas just before his death was our turn to be at my parent's house. Despite that I spent feck all time at home with my Dad over Xmas. I was off doing this, that and the other and hardly spent any time at all at home with him. I feel horrible, gut-wrenching guilt over this and there are a lot of triggers for it (anything that reminds me of that Xmas for example I went to a christening one day so if I hear from or see that family) another night we used a voucher we got as a wedding present to go for a night to a hotel and left my mother minding our 1 year old - my Dad took a bad turn that night and my mother was left dealing with that as well as minding my kid. When I look back now I realise I was so utterly selfish to do that. Any mention of going away for a night with my husband now brings back the horrible awful guilt about that. I dont' have any answer how long it will take for this feeling to go away just wanted to empathise with you. Because I'll never see my Dad again and we can't go back in time there is no opportunity to ever make this up to him. So there's no resolution to it and there never will be. I have just had to try not to think of it - whenever it pops into my head now I just change the thought into something else - even a trivial issue. I'm hoping if I keep doing this long enough eventually I won't think about the guilt anymore - 'fake it til you make it' approach.
Good luck on your grief journey, I'm over a year in and still struggling to make sense of it all!