Boyfriend and money differences - can it work?

LegacyUser

Boyfriend and money

Hi all,

Would really appreciate some advice.

31, woman, boyfriend is 29. We're together a year and a half and plan on moving in together soon.

He's my first real relationship as before him I had a lot of flings and short-term things but nothing serious. We get on really well, he's loyal, committed, affectionate and thoughtful and we laugh together every day.

i've got some concerns about our future together though. Namely that I'm quite serious about settling down in the next five - six years, buying the house, getting married, babies etc. And to him it's something that will happen "some day". That difference shows hugely in our money management - I am a prudent saver, have about 30 grand together at this point and intend to double that in the next few years. Not that Im never flippant in my spending habits either but I've just always been someone who prioritises putting away that money as I see it as how you progress in life and reach your goals.

My boyfriend is the other side of the spectrum. He currently lives at home and has a lower wage than me, but still pays rent to his parents and hasn't got a cent left at the end of the month. It's taken him the guts of 6 months to be able to get about half of the deposit he'll need when we get a place of our own. He spends flippantly on things for the first two weeks of the month and is skint towards the end - the way I would've been at about 22 with my first job.

It worries me a lot, especially when talking about our future. He definitely wants to get married etc but i have no idea how he thinks he could afford it!

I guess I am just concerned about having financial stability and security down the line, something which I've always valued and never been without. he by contrast grew up in a poor enough family, they are all utterly lovely but seemed to be equally bad with money and they moved around a lot, lived in tiny bedsits, never bought a house etc.

it sounds so superficial when i write it all down, I love this man and have never met anyone who makes me feel as loved and valued as he does. he gets quite snappy when i bring it up so not sure how to address it.

has anyone been through the same thing and could offer some advice?

LegacyUser

Apart from appearing to put things on the long finger, what does he say about the idea of saving or finding better paid work? Is he open to the idea of examining his current outgoings and habits to see where he can improve things? Does he realise the potential impact of the current pattern and see the necessity for change?

LegacyUser

Hi op,

I wish I had some advice to offer. I'm in the exact same boat as you. I love my oh but he's terrible with money. I'm the younger one in our relationship and like you, I have saved significantly over the last few year , making small sacrifices over the years in favour of long term security and happiness. And as with you, my oh doesn't have a penny to his name. He even came into a large windfall of cash 2 years ago but spent it all on silly luxuries.

I really empathise as it can be so frustrating. For me, the thoughts of putting all of my hard earned savings into a deposit with him boils my blood a little as he would be getting so much for nothing. There's also the fear of how things would pan out when children come along. I worry that once again I would be making more sacrifices to ensure they have a good life while he would contribute nothing.

I decided to end my own relationship with this guy very recent as I couldn't see past these issues but I would love to think that there is hope that people can change. A huge part of me regrets my decision to end things and would like it to work out. I wish you the very best op with what ever you decide to do

Silo18

I think if you and your partner are not on the same page regarding financial matters and aspirations for the future, you're fighting a losing battle.

BetsyEllen

Has he always lived at home?

If he's only ever had to pay rent to his parents and hasn't ever experienced the responsibility of bills etc then he may just be blind to it all.

I'd be more concerned about his attitude to discussing it with you than the money issue itself.
Anyone can change their spending habits but if he's getting snappy when you approach it then I would worry he's just not in the same place as you in terms of plans.

If he really wanted to save for a house, save for a baby, wedding - he would. And he'd be interested in your advice/input on how he can be better with money to work towards that.

I'm not saying he doesn't love you or is not committed to the relationship but it certainly seems he's not quite ready for what you want yet.
It's just not important to him right now and that's the part you should be focusing on rather than him being bad with money.

blue note

Hi Op

I'm kind of on the opposite side to you so will share my opinions on it.

I'm 31 and my girlfriend 33. She earns a lot more than me. I'm not sure of how much, but I'd confidently say more than double. I'm not worried about her earning more than me, or even significantly more than me, but I am stressed to my eyeballs about not earning enough to contribute. For a few reasons I didn't manage my career at all up to a year or so ago, just drifted along with the flow. I just about had enough to live, but lived paycheck to paycheck. This has suddenly become a major problem for me.

We're moving into a place together next week and I would love to be saving for a ring to be honest, but in reality I'm going to struggle with the additional cost of rent. I am currently looking to change career's which I thought would be really straightforward, but it is proving very difficult. I need experience in the industry (funds) to get a job and I have none. For the graduate programs I seem to be too old - I was told by a recruiter today that they really just look at fresh graduates for them whereas I graduated in 2006. If I got in now, hopefully after a year I'd be well on my way to a respectable salary on which I could put a little money away, but I thought I'd be sorted with a new job already and God knows when I'll get one now. I've found a course to do on it which hopefully would help, but I wouldn't finish that until May 2018.

And it's really not just greed with me or needing to be the main earner. If things don't change soon and we were to have kids it would clearly be far more financially sensible for me to stay at home with the kids rather than continue working. I know I wouldn't be happy with this and while my girlfriend may very well be pragmatic and understanding, I really don't think it's fair if she has no choice but to continue working long hours indefinitely instead of sharing the working burden.

I'm not bad with money, in no way have an extravagant lifestyle, but my salary is simply too low. I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice for you, but since we seem to be in a similar situation hopefully it'll help you to understand where his head might be.

Bambi985

You definitely need to sit him down & have a serious conversation. Not a berating or a finger wagging, but a "here are my goals for the next 5 yrs and here is what I'm doing to reach them. Are you in or out?"

May well be that he's still in carefree mode, he's 29 and all the things that are very real goals 2 u at 31 are a bit more "in the future" for him.

I think like another poster describes you will become resentful of him if you end up footing all of the costs with your hard earned savings or worse again not achieving them because you don't have his support.

I'd advise you to not take this lightly at all. Finances are the number one reason for marriage breakups and if kids come into the equation, without his contribution you could find yourself in a financial mess through no fault of your own. Money is an area where teamwork is absolutely essential in a long term partnership.

It's a tough question to face but can you build a life with this guy that you will be comfortable and happy with, or will his money mismanagement always leave you at a disadvantage. That's a far more pertinent question than whether or not you have a laugh together on a day to day basis

LegacyUser

thanks to all for the different perspectives. i've never even said any of this stuff out loud so it's a weight to be able to discuss it and hear others opinions.

my family love him and i get on with his equally well. 've been tempted a few times to have a conversation with my mother, who is quite financially savvy, just to get her input but honestly i think she's just so glad i've found someone after a lifetime of being single and dating eejits!! and i don't want her to think poorly of him.

it's such a horrible head/heart bind to be in. i love him and can't imagine my life without him - he IS my life to all intents and purposes. i look forward to seeing him and making plans, potentially moving in together soon etc. but at the same time it's so hard to envisage our future if things continue as they are. i always assumed i'd meet someone and we'd both want the same things and be on the same page financially and things would progress from there. i'm on a decent wage, but it's certainly not astronomical or enough for us to have a comfortable life if i had a child for eg and he stayed at home (can't see any other option than that as his wage alone would go nowhere near sustaining us)

he gets snappy when i bring it up because 1. i think he feels insecure about his wage being less than mine significantly. to me that wouldn't be a big problem if he knew how to budget and prioritised saving over the frivolous spending. and 2. he just counter-acts with "i AM saving so we can move in together". as i mentioned earlier that's amounted to about half of what he'd need to contribute to a deposit on an apartment over a significant period of time.

thanks Bluenote for some perspective from the other side. it's given me an understanding of what he might be going through. i think his background also contributes to his attitude - he never had much so never thought about planning and organising and budgeting with money in the longterm. he never learned by example about responsible money management.
he often says "as long as we love each other we'll be fine". i'm not sure i can believe that anymore. i'm not sure i can accept a life of potential financial struggle or having to foot the burden for every significant event that benefits us both when i work so hard to budget and save in the hope of building a good life for myself and any future potential family.

i'm also scared of being almost 32 and single again. what if i never meet someone i click with in this way again? :-(

freshpopcorn

I often seen thread like this and of similar stories and in my experience these relationships don't last even if they end up married.
He/she ends up resenting him for not being ambitious/being a saver/having a plan and the other partner resents them for putting a lot of pressure on them to achieve things and making them loose their care free lifestyle.

Addle

I've posted this message in other similar threads.
Neither of us are big earners, but I still earn twice as much as my oh.
He doesn't contribute to the mortgage, but does a lot of valuable jobs around the place that saves us money.
Though our ability to pay for things differ, our attitudes to our home and life together match.
We don't take each others abilities for granted.
I consider our contributions equal in value.

Colonel_McCoy

Just an idea which I have done before. Set up a joint savings account and put in and agreed amount every week maybe €50 each? If he can manage more great.

meeeeh

I understand why you are worried but I think you might be in a bit different stages of life. You are together only a year and a half, you don't live together. I would suspect that buying a house, getting married and having kids might not be a top priority for your bf. He does seem a bit immature for 29 years old man, considering he is still living at home.

As for the house, I moved to Ireland with feck all savings and then worked in job that paid less than my partner's. I always payed my own but he had land for the house and a bit of a deposit saved. I am probably better budgeting and we manage fine with our finances. He never resented that my contribution to the house was less than his and frankly I would not like to be with someone who would. At one stage you become a partnership and stop counting who contributed what.