Feeling cheated.

LegacyUser

I don't know if I'm over reacting here. I'd like other peoples advice. My OH and mine's sex life has never been great. After about 6 months it kind of stagnated. He's always been, how can I say this in a nice way - a bit lazy in bed. He always wants me to go on top and I don't think it's because he prefers it or it's his favourite position, it's mostly because it's the least amount of work for him.

I've tried getting him to sext me. Nope. Not happening. Says he's just not into it and can't do it. He also is very selfish when it comes to oral. I absolutely love oral and would forgo sex for oral. He has to be forced to go down on me. I literally had to beg him once to do it. I stopped giving him oral about a year ago because I felt it wasn't fair. This doesn't seem to bother him so I just thought oral wasn't his thing.

He once told me a fantasy of his and we played it out. I was so happy and it was the best sex of my life.

I've just found out (I'm not going to get into how) that this fantasy was not his fantasy but the fantasy of his ex. His ex and him came up with this fantasy (but it was mostly her's) and there are 100's, and I mean 100's of texts of them sexting, and discussing this fantasy. He went into great detail about how he'd give her oral and all of his 'techniques'. All of this happened before me so he hasn't cheated on me but I feel cheated. I can't help but feel that he was thinking about his ex during this fantasy considering it was mostly her fantasy.

He says he has a mental block when it comes to me about doing any adventurous in the bedroom because I'm the mother of his kids. I had initially just thought that he just wasn't that way inclined but obviously I'm wrong.

Am I right to be upset about this? Am I overreacting?

LegacyUser

Advicegirl wrote: »

Am I right to be upset about this? Am I overreacting?

Yes you're right and no, you're not overreacting. I have no advice to offer, sorry, but I can say I can totally understand your frustrations.

BetsyEllen

Advicegirl wrote: »

I don't know if I'm over reacting here. I'd like other peoples advice. My OH and mine's sex life has never been great. After about 6 months it kind of stagnated. He's always been, how can I say this in a nice way - a bit lazy in bed. He always wants me to go on top and I don't think it's because he prefers it or it's his favourite position, it's mostly because it's the least amount of work for him.

I've tried getting him to sext me. Nope. Not happening. Says he's just not into it and can't do it. He also is very selfish when it comes to oral. I absolutely love oral and would forgo sex for oral. He has to be forced to go down on me. I literally had to beg him once to do it. I stopped giving him oral about a year ago because I felt it wasn't fair. This doesn't seem to bother him so I just thought oral wasn't his thing.

He once told me a fantasy of his and we played it out. I was so happy and it was the best sex of my life.

I've just found out (I'm not going to get into how) that this fantasy was not his fantasy but the fantasy of his ex. His ex and him came up with this fantasy (but it was mostly her's) and there are 100's, and I mean 100's of texts of them sexting, and discussing this fantasy. He went into great detail about how he'd give her oral and all of his 'techniques'. All of this happened before me so he hasn't cheated on me but I feel cheated. I can't help but feel that he was thinking about his ex during this fantasy considering it was mostly her fantasy.

He says he has a mental block when it comes to me about doing any adventurous in the bedroom because I'm the mother of his kids. I had initially just thought that he just wasn't that way inclined but obviously I'm wrong.

Am I right to be upset about this? Am I overreacting?

I find it really strange that he told you such intimate details of his sex life with his ex. That would make me feel sick, hearing that from a partner.

Why did he tell you this?

Sounds to me like he doesn't fancy you. I'm sorry that sounds blunt but it's all I get from your post. And he seems to have little respect for your feelings seeing as he told you what he told you about his ex.

Is your relationship good in other ways?

As he's told you that he has a 'mental block' when it comes to having sex with you, it's highly unlikely your sex life will change at all.
I personally couldn't be in a sexless relationship but if the rest of the relationship is amazing, maybe you'll be happy to put up with it.

ManOfMystery

I don't think that it's necessarily that he doesn't find you attractive. It sounds like he is having issues, almost a variation of the Madonna/whore complex in his head, where he can't reconcile the perception of you as a maternal figure to his children and the perception of you as a sexual partner to him. They are very different roles and whilst most of us who are in relationships that have borne children can work past it, it is a noted issue for some men.

I think he needs to speak to a professional about this, but to do so would require that he first accepts there is a problem with your sex life.

IvoryTower

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I find it really strange that he told you such intimate details of his sex life with his ex. That would make me feel sick, hearing that from a partner.

Why did he tell you this?

Sounds to me like he doesn't fancy you. I'm sorry that sounds blunt but it's all I get from your post. And he seems to have little respect for your feelings seeing as he told you what he told you about his ex.

Is your relationship good in other ways?

As he's told you that he has a 'mental block' when it comes to having sex with you, it's highly unlikely your sex life will change at all.
I personally couldn't be in a sexless relationship but if the rest of the relationship is amazing, maybe you'll be happy to put up with it.

I think she's implying that she's read his emails/messages

I agree with ManOfMystery. Even HE knows he has a mental block when it comes to a fulfilling sexual relationship with you because you're the mother of his kids ... that's how he sees you ... not as a sexual being in your own right.

If he refuses to deal with this, then you need to decide if being a non-sexual wife and mother is good enough for you, I know I couldn't do it.

Also, I've no problem with keeping mementos of previous relationships but would draw the line at 100's of explicit sexts years later. :eek:

IvoryTower

Deleted User wrote: »

Also, I've no problem with keeping mementos of previous relationships but would draw the line at 100's of explicit sexts years later. :eek:

Not deleting emails/messages from years ago doesnt mean that he was keeping a memento. Most people dont delete old chats/emails from years ago as it wouldn't cross their mind that someone would be snooping through their past

njs030

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I agree with ManOfMystery. Even HE knows he has a mental block when it comes to a fulfilling sexual relationship with you because you're the mother of his kids ... that's how he sees you ... not as a sexual being in your own right.

If he refuses to deal with this, then you need to decide if being a non-sexual wife and mother is good enough for you, I know I couldn't do it.

Also, I've no problem with keeping mementos of previous relationships but would draw the line at 100's of explicit sexts years later. :eek:

I'm not too sure it's just about her being the mother of his kids. She says he was always lazy and it stagnated after 6 months. She wasn't the mother of his children that fast so it can't be the root of the problem.

It does sound like he may not see you in a sexual way for some reason op, if your relationship was always very limited sexually it will be hard to change.

Did you get pregnant early in the relationship? Is that maybe why you've both put up with a limited sex life?
Finding the root of your relationship problems might be the answer to this problem and help make a decision on where to go next.

Walter H Price

i'd consider maybe going to a sex therapist or something OP , sounds like there's something wrong there anyway.

Mr. Incognito

How long were you together before you had kids?

He might not be that sexually attracted to you.

There are wider issues if you are reading his texts/ emails from previous relationships

professore

How did you initially get together? Was there an unexpected pregnancy? Did you "poach" him from his ex? Sounds to me like he's still in love with her and he's only with you because you are the mother of his children. I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive, it's not meant to be, just my reading of what you posted.

Purple Mountain

IvoryTower wrote: »

Not deleting emails/messages from years ago doesnt mean that he was keeping a memento. Most people dont delete old chats/emails from years ago as it wouldn't cross their mind that someone would be snooping through their past

Sorry..but it's not appropriate to keep 100s of texts/emails that are of an explicit nature from someone you dated clearly years ago.
And most people I know do not have chats from years ago..it's just too messy in your inbox.

To the OP, I think you got good advice hear about seeing a therapist. Leaving aside the 'issue' you have outlined, you are in a sexually incompatible relationship where you feel you aren't getting your needs met so this needs to be addressed. Find a compassionate therapist dealing in relationship issues.

IvoryTower

Who said they are keeping them on purpose? Some people's emails go back years. On Gmail for instance it doesn't effect your inbox at all you don't even see them,a lot of people wouldn't even know they're there.

A lot of jumping to conclusions on this thread imo

leggo

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Sorry..but it's not appropriate to keep 100s of texts/emails that are of an explicit nature from someone you dated clearly years ago.
And most people I know do not have chats from years ago..it's just too messy in your inbox.

To the OP, I think you got good advice hear about seeing a therapist. Leaving aside the 'issue' you have outlined, you are in a sexually incompatible relationship where you feel you aren't getting your needs met so this needs to be addressed. Find a compassionate therapist dealing in relationship issues.

Seriously? I never go through my phone deleting texts and emails...who has the time??

Purple Mountain

Seriously? I never go through my phone deleting texts and emails...who has the time??[/quote]

But from 'years ago'?!

Purple Mountain

Anyhow I think it's gone slightly off topic. My point is.. If his inbox is clogged up solely by this graphic texts / mails then he's clearly still holding onto them as a momento which imo, OP is entitled to feel 'cheated'. If however the texts / mails going back years are from all in sundry then perhaps as mentioned above he just doesn't bother tidying up his inbox.
All that said though, the incompatible sex drive / needs is a big barrier and needs to be addressed.

neonsofa

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Seriously? I never go through my phone deleting texts and emails...who has the time??

But from 'years ago'?!

I've never deleted a single email in my Gmail account. Have thousands of unread mails too. The new ones just pop up on top, if the sender is important I'll read them, if not they just stay there unread. I'm not keeping them as a momento, I just don't have the time to be deleting emails.
Work emails will be the same, except all get read obviously, and then all will be archived every couple of years.
My whole love life could be traced through my emails and I might not even rememeber the person, let alone the emails.

LegacyUser

Together 2 years before we had our first.

I have his email password and he has mine. He asked me to search for something and it just so happened that a word I searched for was included in one of their emails. Curiosity got the better of me and I looked. I know I was wrong to look. I'm not annoyed that he didn't delete the emails. It's a gmail account and I have never deleted an email there either. I am just upset at what I saw. A whole different side to this man I've spent nearly 7 years of my life with.

He's agreed to go to couples counselling with me.

IvoryTower

Thats good to hear OP best of luck with it.

Walter H Price

Good Plan OP , Hope it works out for ye both

Big Bag of Chips

It sounds like he's just very unimaginative when it comes to sex. You have tried to initiate a few different things and he just couldn't do it. Sexting for example would need a bit of imagination and descriptive language. Maybe "his fantasy" was his attempt to give you what you wanted because he knew you weren't particularly happy with what you were getting and he couldn't come up with anything himself?

I know it's hurtful to see interaction (albeit from years ago) between him and his ex. But their relationship was a different relationship to yours. Just because their sexlife was different to your doesn't mean it was better. It doesn't mean he enjoyed it more. Maybe she gave him the hint about the fantasy and then she initiated the sexting. Maybe any participation on his part was due to nudging from her? So even though he took part, she could have been the one leading it all the time. Maybe he went along with it, but was never really comfortable with it? Maybe he felt awkward? Who knows? Hopefully counselling will help you get to the root of it all.

I know it probably doesn't help you, but you would have known he had a sexual past before you. Being faced with it is a different story I suppose. But it doesn't have to be as you imagine it to be.

lawred2

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Seriously? I never go through my phone deleting texts and emails...who has the time??

But from 'years ago'?!

I have emails from the first day of my gmail account well over a decade ago.

It's not a requirement to delete them so why would I bother. There's no conscious effort to keep them.

Purple Mountain

Advicegirl wrote: »

Together 2 years before we had our first.

I have his email password and he has mine. He asked me to search for something and it just so happened that a word I searched for was included in one of their emails. Curiosity got the better of me and I looked. I know I was wrong to look. I'm not annoyed that he didn't delete the emails. It's a gmail account and I have never deleted an email there either. I am just upset at what I saw. A whole different side to this man I've spent nearly 7 years of my life with.

He's agreed to go to couples counselling with me.

Fantastic step. Very positive.
The very best of luck with it.

Purple Mountain

Also I'd like to add that each of us have a past and have at some point exchanged texts/emails with lovers that we'd cringe if our current partner saw. Also OP, given that we all have a sexual past generally we come to every relationship with sexual experience that we learned else where. Just because he enjoys that particular 'fantasy' that he learned elsewhere does not mean he was thinking of that other girl. You say in your post that you like oral so if you think about that you might have come to this relationship with certain oral techniques from previous relationships..and this is OK.
But definitely follow through on the therapy to discuss the current sexually incompatibility.
Also I stand corrected on the email issue. It seems a lot of people don't delete email or like Ivory Tower said in Gmail the old emails don't even affect your inbox so that would seem innocent enough, just uncomfortable for current partner to see.
You're on the right road, he's willingness to go to therapy with you is very encouraging.