Not Sure I'll Ever Fit In

Walter H Price

My Fiancee has a fairly big family , all her mums side because her dad has never been around. Shes very close or at least try's to be (we live in Dublin , there the far end of Kildare) to all of her Aunts , Uncles Cousins etc... which is fine , my only problem is how little i have in common with any of them. I'm not used to or into the whole big family thing i have a tiny people literally 16 people all in and we're not that close to be honest.

we're getting married this year and their kind of on her case about me going to Kildare with her more regularly , she goes about once a month so far I've only been going a few times a year, i use the days shes down there to go and see my own parents and grandparents. That said i have been trying more and more to make an effort with her family but at the more time i spend around them the more and more its becoming clear to me , that i have very little to say to any of them , don't get me wrong the majority of them are grand people just literally nothing in common.

We went over to Scotland to the rugby with 3 of her Uncles 1 of her Aunts and 2 Cousins this weekend and it really hit home that i'm just never going to fit in with her family at all. we come from very different backgrounds , some of what they talk about makes me pretty uncomfortable and i'm not sure what to say , at the same time i watching what i say because i don't want to rile anyone up or that, the spent the entire 3 days Friday - Sunday in the Pub (a seriously kippy pub at that) and loved it , I hated it we don't socialize in pubs much at all and i'm not a big drinker anymore. Other then the game , it was a pretty sh!tty weekend and i really did not enjoy it , My OH was kind of annoyed with me because i just wasn't into it but as i said to her its was nothing personal just not my thing at all. i went along with it to a point but it wasn't an enjoyable experience.

I would love to fit in with them a bit more for her sake but to be honest after this weekend i really think that ship might have sailed. Anybody any advice , suggestions , similar experiences ???

I think you need to relax a bit. Don't worry about fitting in, be yourself.
You're marrying her, she obviously loves the way you are.

My fathers side of my family is massive, he has a lot of brothers & sisters. Looking at all the different personalities, it's amazing they get on at all. But they get by fine. They don't need to love every in-law, they don't need to have anything in common. They just meet up for different family occasions, then go off again with their own families.
Now You know what a weekend with them is like, I would just not go again. Or else organise something else to do during the day when you are away with them.

Walter H Price

bubblypop wrote: »

I think you need to relax a bit. Don't worry about fitting in, be yourself.
You're marrying her, she obviously loves the way you are.

My fathers side of my family is massive, he has a lot of brothers & sisters. Looking at all the different personalities, it's amazing they get on at all. But they get by fine. They don't need to love every in-law, they don't need to have anything in common. They just meet up for different family occasions, then go off again with their own families.
Now You know what a weekend with them is like, I would just not go again. Or else organise something else to do during the day when you are away with them.

It does't have me worried really in and of itself , i just know she would like if i ft in better with them , she'd never say directly but i can tell. I would love to be able to for her but honestly short of talking about football i have literally zip in common with her family and the way some of them speak about welfare and making claims and stuff i just really struggle with.

Walter H Price

Walter H Price wrote: »

It does't have me worried really in and of itself , i just know she would like if i ft in better with them , she'd never say directly but i can tell. I would love to be able to for her but honestly short of talking about football i have literally zip in common with her family and the way some of them speak about welfare and making claims and stuff i just really struggle with.

I can understand, but I'm going to assume she picked you because you are you.
Maybe you just need to be more self assured? Not cocky, just happy in Your Own skin when you're in their company.
I'm sure there are other people in your life, that you don't like or gel with, but you probably get along grand with them. There's plenty I work with that I have zero in common with, but we work together fine.
I think you maybe just over thinking it or being too sensitive because of what you think she thinks.........

LegacyUser

I don't think the problem is you not fitting in, but rather that you feel you're expected to fit in. That's either you assuming you should or someone else unrealistically imagining you should, either way, the expectation is pointless, you simply don't have to fit in, you can live your own life, go to her family sometimes, don't go when it doesn't suit, do your own thing and yadda yadda. If you're not independent enough to get on with your life, marriage will be a struggle. That applies to both of you.

Walter H Price

Guessed wrote: »

I don't think the problem is you not fitting in, but rather that you feel you're expected to fit in. That's either you assuming you should or someone else unrealistically imagining you should, either way, the expectation is pointless, you simply don't have to fit in, you can live your own life, go to her family sometimes, don't go when it doesn't suit, do your own thing and yadda yadda. If you're not independent enough to get on with your life, marriage will be a struggle. That applies to both of you.

it's not quite that , though i understand where your coming from. basically the issue is me and my OH are from very very different backgrounds (her family are very working class single parent family all that craic, mine are solidly upper middle class) , but my OH inst really like the rest of her family shes very bright very ambitious has a great job for age into things like books and the theater so as a result she fits in pretty well with my family , small things like shes gone to a few shows with my mum and sister and she generally gets on well with them and my family all really like her. But despite trying a good few different things with her Uncles , cousins , mam's partner and stuff i just cant seem to gel with them or find any common ground with them at all , i know she would love me to have as good a relationship with her family as she has with mine but to be honest im starting to just accept that's never going to happen and i'm always going to be a bit of an outsider with her family.

GingerLily

Walter H Price wrote: »

(her family are very working class single parent family all that craic, mine are solidly upper middle class) , but my OH inst really like the rest of her family shes very bright very ambitious

You across very judgemental of her family, do you usuallyhave problems socialising with people from different "classes" as you?

JustAThought

Ok- so its a bit of a class thing too & you're not too comfortable with it. Fair enough. You have nothing in common but you all love this woman & are all individually special to her. I can see how large groups of confined activity with people who are nice but you have no common bond with can be dull - but you are going to be married to her for a long time! Don't move to Kilkenn. , Find a common ground that you can put with up ( maybe watching a game, or gigs, or something) & restrict the number of long weekends away you spend with them all. She will have to understand that although her family are ( of course) LOVELY ( always) you don't have the same memories & shared history & experiences as they do & arn't as aligned with them as she is & so its less comfortable & cosy for you.
Have an extra drink or two when you are out with them & you migh just relax & fit in more or you may find yourself alienated & labelled - the time to build bridges for your wifes sake is now . Are you sitting in pubs declarung how you don't drink while they are all out enjoying a few beers? What fun.

We have had the same relation stick out & refuse to join in for 20+ years & interrupt all (nin) cinversations to drone on about his 'intellectual' subjects & how he hates drink & dosn't understand people who 'need to drink to have s goid time' ( insert habitual alcoholic moan here) He has ruined a corner of every event with his miserable face & subject changing for 15+ years until he finally cooped on & just merged for the half day or evening or whatever it was. He didn't have to fundamentally transform as a person he just had to smile a bit, be oleasant & pretend to like the other humans in the room & not look pained beyond belief to be there. We are all not always overjoyed to be at a family event ir to have to make smalltalk when we'd rather be a home watching TV or out with our friends but we make the effort. In our case His wife started to get requests not to bring him to family events he was such a chore & such hard work - it does go both ways.

Find a way to not go on the lash for 3 days & get space away from the main party if your 'wife' wants to go on weenend breaks holidays with them, but tbh you are marrying the family too. If her thing expects you to be caravaning together & huge family holidays & weekends back home every month the time to talk to her about it is now - otherwise it will be a long life.

She probably misses them all & so makes up for that by spending all her time with them when she is back home. She may need time to adjust to the fact that in her new life with you, your commin goals need articulating & you need to share & maybe agree how you spend your weekends & time together - i'm sure she dosn't want to spend it apart from you, or equally taking tea with her Dublin in-laws every weekend !

zoobizoo

I get you.

And prior to you saying it, I had guessed it was a class thing.

If you have little in common with them, and have little to say to them, why are you being expected to go away on long weekends with them?

I wouldn't put up with much more of an evening with in laws, a night away max and Christmas day - and I get on with them.

Take away the social class thing and it'd be the same.

If you don't have something In common with someone, and have few mutual interests, sense of humour, outlook on life etc, it's normal that it'll be difficult to build rapport. If it hasn't happened by now, it won't happen.

Add in intergenerational drinking, craic and ****e talk for three days...... I wouldn't do that with people I like.

Your fiancée needs to realise that it'll never happen.

Walter H Price

GingerLily wrote: »

You across very judgemental of her family, do you usuallyhave problems socialising with people from different "classes" as you?

No not judgemental at all , look id be the first to admit i come from a fairly middle class area went to private school etc.. so i honestly don't have any working class mates and probably the first time i met working class people was in college. Her Uncles are grand guys , they all work and they make an effort too. But they don't really get how we live as in me and my OH , that we arn't happy doing the stuff they are , like the weekend they wanted to spend the 3 days other then the 2 hours at the game split between a not very nice the pub and the bookies , that's not what we do ever , but it is what they do every weekend at home. They were a bit put out and that when we went off on our own to the zoo and for dinner one evening.

It's not at all that i dislike or judge them its just been very difficult to find any real common ground with them because our lifestyles are just very different , unlike how my OH has been able to gel with my mum and sister and the res of my family tbh.

JustAThought wrote: »

Ok- so its a bit of a class thing too & you're not too comfortable with it. Fair enough. You have nothing in common but you all love this woman & are all individually special to her. I can see how large groups of confined activity with people who are nice but you have no common bond with can be dull - but you are going to be married to her for a long time! Don't move to Kilkenn. , Find a common ground that you can put with up ( maybe watching a game, or gigs, or something) & restrict the number of long weekends away you spend with them all. She will have to understand that although her family are ( of course) LOVELY ( always) you don't have the same memories & shared history & experiences as they do & arn't as aligned with them as she is & so its less comfortable & cosy for you.
Have an extra drink or two when you are out with them & you migh just relax & fit in more or you may find yourself alienated & labelled - the time to build bridges for your wifes sake is now . Are you sitting in pubs declarung how you don't drink while they are all out enjoying a few beers? What fun.

We have had the same relation stick out & refuse to join in for 20+ years & interrupt all (nin) cinversations to drone on about his 'intellectual' subjects & how he hates drink & dosn't understand people who 'need to drink to have s goid time' ( insert habitual alcoholic moan here) He has ruined a corner of every event with his miserable face & subject changing for 15+ years until he finally cooped on & just merged for the half day or evening or whatever it was. He didn't have to fundamentally transform as a person he just had to smile a bit, be oleasant & pretend to like the other humans in the room & not look pained beyond belief to be there. We are all not always overjoyed to be at a family event ir to have to make smalltalk when we'd rather be a home watching TV or out with our friends but we make the effort. In our case His wife started to get requests not to bring him to family events he was such a chore & such hard work - it does go both ways.

Find a way to not go on the lash for 3 days & get space away from the main party if your 'wife' wants to go on weenend breaks holidays with them, but tbh you are marrying the family too. If her thing expects you to be caravaning together & huge family holidays & weekends back home every month the time to talk to her about it is now - otherwise it will be a long life.

She probably misses them all & so makes up for that by spending all her time with them when she is back home. She may need time to adjust to the fact that in her new life with you, your commin goals need articulating & you need to share & maybe agree how you spend your weekends & time together - i'm sure she dosn't want to spend it apart from you, or equally taking tea with her Dublin in-laws every weekend !

appreciate the advice in here , i totally get where your coming from , i'm not a big drinker but would never critisie her Uncles for it or drone on about it on a night out like i said i'm really trying my best to fit in here, i wont stand in smoking areas in pubs etc but that's because i hate the smell of it getting on my cloths or that but again wouldn't be lecturing them about smoking. They just don't seem accepting of the fact that I'm not big in to drinking or getting hammered , they were a bit put out i wouldn't go into the smoking areas and that. I have no issue with just going along and putting up with being bored stupid for a few hours once a month or going to a carvery once in a while , but i dont think i could do another weekend of it , i really would like to find some common ground with her uncles and cousins so as it didn't have to be a kinda suck it up and get through it experience every time.

Like they aren't coming on my Stag that's fine , its 5 days away so was never expecting them too , they want to do a nite out separate here and i don't mind that idea but even choosing a location is difficult, they wont travel up , id rather not go down because getting back after would be a mare. I'm thinking of maybe doing a day thing in Dublin or maybe a night at the dogs or something as a kinda compromise trying to find something that wont be all day sitting in their local pub.

El_Duderino 09

GingerLily wrote:

You across very judgemental of her family, do you usuallyhave problems socialising with people from different "classes" as you?

Thinly veiled 'im too classy to fit in with this lot' thread.

OP, if you really don't want to spend time with them, don't. I presume that's what you want to hear. Lowering yourself to their level doesn't seem like an option. Neither would they be able to raise themselves to the lofty heights of your 'solidly middle class' interests.

FWIW, family is important to her. I have a big family on my mother's side and family is very important to them. Some people don't get it. Eventually they will stop asking you to go to things and they'll just think your a bit snooty. You'll have no idea where they might get that impression though.

Ah OP, I had you totally wrong!
You actually feel you're 'above' these people.

That's different,I don't know if you can put your prejudices and snobbishness aside. That's up to you, just treat them like normal people, because that's what they are.

Many of these ' lower classes' as you see them, read , go to the theatre, educate themselves & work you know.

Walter H Price

100% not the case at all apologies if that's how its come across.

Conor Bourke

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

Thinly veiled 'im too classy to fit in with this lot' thread.

Same as your thread about them before Christmas. You think they're beneath you, you'd really rather not have to bother yourself with them if you could help it but know you have to for your fiancées sake. Your posts read as though you're hoping for validation here- that someone might tell you you're right to distance yourself and your fiancée from "those people".

You are marrying this girl, her family are not going to disappear, she's not going to magically just drop them once the ring is on her finger but you appear to be having some difficulties accepting that.

Walter H Price

Walter H Price wrote: »

100% not the case at all apologies if that's how its come across.

OK, maybe I was a bit harsh.
They are just people, if you don't like going on the lash & the bookies for the weekend , then just don't do it.
So long as you are good to your fiancé, I'm sure they won't have a problem with you.
I'm sure you have plenty of friends of your own class who drink & gamble.......

Your fiancé knows what you are like, you just have to run along with her family, not be best friends

Walter H Price

bubblypop wrote: »

Ah OP, I had you totally wrong!
You actually feel you're 'above' these people.

That's different,I don't know if you can put your prejudices and snobbishness aside. That's up to you, just treat them like normal people, because that's what they are.

Many of these ' lower classes' as you see them, read , go to the theatre, educate themselves & work you know.

its not a prejudice or snobby thing though , its not like i have never met thees people and am judging them based on a borad brush assumption . i have met them as i said above the a decent hard working lads and i totally acknowledge that we just have very different lifestyle enjoy very different things and im struggling to develop any sort of relationship with them or feel like anything other than an outsider, I really am interested in finding some way to achieve this for my OH because i know it would mean allot to her if i had a similar relationship with her family to the one she has with mine.

My problem is allot of the things she like like nice restaurants , theater , spa breaks, literature etc ... are the same things my mum sister and aunts are into ... she works in a similar are to my dad and two of my uncles so shes loads to talk to them about in relation to that kind of stuff ... Her uncles are into going to the pub , i work in a vastly different area to them , they don't really get wht i do or what my OH does , we can talk football but at the minute that seem to be the start and end of it , far from bring judgmental would just love to find some more common ground with the lads and develop a bit of a relationship there , but its increasingly becoming really frustrating. at the minute we can both go away with my family and really enjoy it , but we cant really with hers id love to find a way of changing that.

Walter H Price

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

Same as your thread about them before Christmas. You think they're beneath you, you'd really rather not have to bother yourself with them if you could help it but know you have to for your fiancées sake. Your posts read as though you're hoping for validation here- that someone might tell you you're right to distance yourself and your fiancée from "those people".

You are marrying this girl, her family are not going to disappear, she's not going to magically just drop them once the ring is on her finger but you appear to be having some difficulties accepting that.

really really wide of the mark , not how its intended to come across at all , i really care for my OH and i'm genuinely looking for suggestions here as to how to approach getting a bit closer or fitting in better with her family.

I don't think they are beneath me , i'm just acknowledging the fact that we are from different backgrounds and have very different lifestyles and interests ... its not a broad brush against working class people its simply a reflection of this particular situation , if i was that prejudiced would i have started dating my OH in the first place ?

I think this can be taken out of context really quickly so i just want to clear it up early i'm not looking to have a go at people , or do people down , those lads have their things they enjoy and that's great , different from what we enjoy but i'm not sitting in judgment if anything i'm seeking some suggestions of a middle ground

GingerLily

bubblypop wrote: »

Ah OP, I had you totally wrong!
You actually feel you're 'above' these people.

That's different,I don't know if you can put your prejudices and snobbishness aside. That's up to you, just treat them like normal people, because that's what they are.

Many of these ' lower classes' as you see them, read , go to the theatre, educate themselves & work you know.

I completely agree, there are a lot of "lower" class people who are extremely cultured!
OP, you need to figure out compromise, it's strange that you'd be expected to spend three whole days doing that kinda thing with her uncles, no one I know spends 100% of a family holiday together when there's generation gaps and in laws involved, I don't think I'd fit it with my inlaws to be either based on your criteria!

This really doesn't have to be an issue, I don't understand why it is for you? Do you think maybe you over think things? From your other threads you definitely seem to, you might find life easier if you just accept things as they are sometimes!

Walter H Price

GingerLily wrote: »

I completely agree, there are a lot of "lower" class people who are extremely cultured!
OP, you need to figure out compromise, it's strange that you'd be expected to spend three whole days doing that kinda thing with her uncles, no one I know spends 100% of a family holiday together when there's generation gaps and in laws involved, I don't think I'd fit it with my inlaws to be either based on your criteria!

This really doesn't have to be an issue, I don't understand why it is for you? Do you think maybe you over think things? From your other threads you definitely seem to, you might find life easier if you just accept things as they are sometimes!

i possibly do, I think all that happend was they got a little put out that wen went for dinner and to the zoo on our own, diffrence is when were away with my family we'd spend most of the day everybody doing there own thing and meet up for dinner unless there was something we all wanted to do . I think aswell my OH is a little self conscious that she doesn't want to upset or offend them , or have them think that shes looking down on them or thinks shes better then them or whatever, this was suggested before and it really upset her.

so i think that's probably why she looked to limit the amount of time we spent on our own and kinda went along with what the lads wanted to do , but i know from talking to her last night she didn't really enjoy a good chunk of it either. I plan on making a real effort with her family this year with the wedding coming up to kinda try and find some stuff , i think a night at the dogs might be a potential solution to the stag issue .

I know one or two of her Unlces play golf so i might look a doing a four ball with the two who are giving her away and my dad at some stage , i'm just really looking for any other suggestions anyone might have 4 looking at it from the outside.

groovyg

Op you don't have to fit in with them, I'd say meet up with them when you can and don't stress about trying to fit in with them. I think you are over thinking this too much about trying to fit in, live your life how you want to, do the meet and greet when necessary but just because you are marrying into the family doesn't mean you have to be actively involved in their social circle. Have your stag and if they don't want to attend then that's up to them, I don't see why you'd organise something separate especially for them.

Conor Bourke

Walter H Price wrote: »

i possibly do, I think all that happend was they got a little put out that wen went for dinner and to the zoo on our own, diffrence is when were away with my family we'd spend most of the day everybody doing there own thing and meet up for dinner unless there was something we all wanted to do . I think aswell my OH is a little self conscious that she doesn't want to upset or offend them , or have them think that shes looking down on them or thinks shes better then them or whatever, this was suggested before and it really upset her.

so i think that's probably why she looked to limit the amount of time we spent on our own and kinda went along with what the lads wanted to do , but i know from talking to her last night she didn't really enjoy a good chunk of it either. I plan on making a real effort with her family this year with the wedding coming up to kinda try and find some stuff , i think a night at the dogs might be a potential solution to the stag issue .

I know one or two of her Unlces play golf so i might look a doing a four ball with the two who are giving her away and my dad at some stage , i'm just really looking for any other suggestions anyone might have 4 looking at it from the outside.

Simple suggestion: Stop comparing them to your family. Simple as that. Whether you realise it or not, it's a dickish thing to do and is very likely contributing to your OH feeling self-conscious.

Walter H Price

groovyg wrote: »

Op you don't have to fit in with them, I'd say meet up with them when you can and don't stress about trying to fit in with them. I think you are over thinking this too much about trying to fit in, live your life how you want to, do the meet and greet when necessary but just because you are marrying into the family doesn't mean you have to be actively involved in their social circle. Have your stag and if they don't want to attend then that's up to them, I don't see why you'd organise something separate especially for them.

Yeh i get ,that , totally hear what your saying.

The only reason for the second stag was that i knew booking the first one there was little or no chance any of her family would be able to go most of her uncles have kids , its 5 days , over Easter , its away , wasn't too pricey but more expensive then a single overnight down the country or that so never expected them to go, but all my mates are single lads and wanted a proper few days away so that's what we went for, my own dad and uncles aren't going because the whole stag thing wouldn't be for them , its a young mans game in their view.

Her Unlces have expressed an interest in doing something though and i do think it would be a bit harsh maybe to say tough , you were invited you chose not to go when i knew booking it they more than likely wouldn't be able too ... like i said i'm looking to build some bridges here so if there interested in doing something i just think it'd maybe be a missed opportunity to fob them off

LLMMLL

I agree that you don't have to fit in. When they give their opinion on welfare claims, feel free to give yours. Unless you're snarky about it it's not going to turn into a huge row.

Three days in a pub far too much for the vast majority of people. If they "appear" put out by you heading off somewhere else then it's really just their tough luck. If your fiance is constantly on the lookout for signs there annoyed at her then that's something she's going to have to address with herself.

Walter H Price

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

Simple suggestion: Stop comparing them to your family. Simple as that. Whether you realise it or not, it's a dickish thing to do and is very likely contributing to your OH feeling self-conscious.

again not really what i'm trying to do , i was just saying it seems to have been much easier for my OH to fit in with my lot then me with hers and i do no she would like it if i could have a relationship with her family more like her's with mine.

I think allot of her self consciousness comes from things they have said to her previously, rather then any comparisons. again that's not trying to do anyone down or that its just how i would see it.

Her own reflection on last weekend was that she would love if going away with her family was as easy and enjoyable as going away with mine, and i agree with her it would be a good thing if we could find some common ground there.

Bambi985

I don't think there's any need to crucify the OP, he's just being honest about a difficult situation based on his discomfort with his OH's family who are of a totally different background.

i can understand how you feel op. I come from a wealthy background and my OH grew up in relative poverty. his mates are all married with 2 -3 kids, most of them never went to college, they all drink and smoke excessively and my first meeting with them was a bit of an eye opener.

It just showed me that i have lived a sheltered life and not everyone has been as lucky as me. what i also learned was that 1. i didn't need to see them every week and 2. prejudice will be the death of me in this relationship, so if i love my boyfriend like i believe i do i better get over myself and find some common ground.

Turns out it couldn't have been easier to do, everyone has been incredibly welcoming to me, the kids are adorable and when i loosened up i found that they're quite a funny, sharp, witty bunch. their life experiences are different, sure, but how boring would life be if you were only surrounded by people who have lived the exact same privileged life as you?

also worth bearing in mind that it's not "your girlfriend' and "her family" in two separate corners. she's a part of them, this is her background and where she came from. She may have gone to college and picked up a few sophisticated hobbies along the way, but her personality, her drive and everything you love about her has been carved out of the life she had growing up with these people.

and btw there's as many "upper middle class" people interested in getting ****faced or getting high on coke or watching inane reality shows all day as there are into books and theatre, so that's more of a personality thing than a class thing if you ask me.

LLMMLL

Is the real problem that your girlfriend is making the whole thing awkward by trying to prove your not snobs?

Conor Bourke

Walter H Price wrote: »

again not really what i'm trying to do , i was just saying it seems to have been much easier for my OH to fit in with my lot then me with hers and i do no she would like it if i could have a relationship with her family more like her's with mine.

I think allot of her self consciousness comes from things they have said to her previously, rather then any comparisons. again that's not trying to do anyone down or that its just how i would see it.

Her own reflection on last weekend was that she would love if going away with her family was as easy and enjoyable as going away with mine, and i agree with her it would be a good thing if we could find some common ground there.

You keep using that phrase "not what I'm trying to do" (or a variant). We hear you. You don't mean it.

You need to listen to that you're being told here. In this and your thread before Christmas you were told that you don't appear to be articulating your motivations very well and/or are oblivious to the fact that the way you post here about her family is unpleasant. I'm going to take you at face value here and believe you when you say you don't mean to be so subtly nasty, but you really should have a read back of your posts here and try to understand what everyone is telling you. You do not come across well. You give the impression in your posts of looking down your nose at them and if they or your OH pick up on the same attitude from you in real life, you're in bother.

It's commendable that you're reaching out and making the effort with her family but you're overthinking it. Stop wishing them to be something they're not. Just accept them as they are, be polite and friendly. You can't do much more than that.

LLMMLL

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

You keep using that phrase "not what I'm trying to do" (or a variant). We hear you. You don't mean it.

You need to listen to that you're being told here. In this and your thread before Christmas you were told that you don't appear to be articulating your motivations very well and/or are oblivious to the fact that the way you post here about her family is unpleasant. I'm going to take you at face value here and believe you when you say you don't mean to be so subtly nasty, but you really should have a read back of your posts here and try to understand what everyone is telling you. You do not come across well. You give the impression in your posts of looking down your nose at them and if they or your OH pick up on the same attitude from you in real life, you're in bother.

It's commendable that you're reaching out and making the effort with her family but you're overthinking it. Stop wishing them to be something they're not. Just accept them as they are, be polite and friendly. You can't do much more than that.

I haven't read his previous post but there's really nothing particularly snobby or unpleasant in this thread.

Walter H Price

LLMMLL wrote: »

Is the real problem that your girlfriend is making the whole thing awkward by trying to prove your not snobs?

I think some of why neither of us fully enjoyed that weekend may have been down to a little bit of that , i really don't consider that we are to be honest like i'm not into art or wine or theater, I'm completely dyslexic so reading is a no go , were into our cloths holidays eating out and that kind of thing but never look to rub it in anyone's face. like i do think she was very conscious of us going off and doing our own thing at all in a way she wouldn't be if we were away with my mam and dad or that, she kind of acknowledged as much herself last night.

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

You keep using that phrase "not what I'm trying to do" (or a variant). We hear you. You don't mean it.

You need to listen to that you're being told here. In this and your thread before Christmas you were told that you don't appear to be articulating your motivations very well and/or are oblivious to the fact that the way you post here about her family is unpleasant. I'm going to take you at face value here and believe you when you say you don't mean to be so subtly nasty, but you really should have a read back of your posts here and try to understand what everyone is telling you. You do not come across well. You give the impression in your posts of looking down your nose at them and if they or your OH pick up on the same attitude from you in real life, you're in bother.

It's commendable that you're reaching out and making the effort with her family but you're overthinking it. Stop wishing them to be something they're not. Just accept them as they are, be polite and friendly. You can't do much more than that.

I thinks its obliviousness to be honest , i was literally describing the situation , not looking to tar all working class people with one brush or do anybody down , my core point was we are from very different backgrounds , despite this she seems to gel pretty well with my family but i don't seem to be able to manage the same with hers. I think to be honest had the situations been reversed and i had said that i was from a working class background and she came from a well off family that i was struggling to fit in with the response to this post would have been very different, but that's besides the point.

I am not looking for her family to change or wishing them to be something they're not i really am just looking to try and find some common ground there and develop a stronger relationship , because i am aware how fond of them she is and in the next few years we would be expecting to have kids etc... i would like to have slightly more of a relationship with the lads then a polite hello and awkward silence. I've seen one of my own uncles never make any effort with the family and just set himself as an outsider , that's not the kind of relationship i want with my OH's family at all.

cactusgal

I do remember a post of yours from a while back in the Dublin forum, stating that you wouldn't want to live in an area with working class people or immigrants, and, as a working class immigrant myself, I did take offense.

Just be careful of how you come across to people. If you claim you're not snobby, just make sure you are not coming across such. I don't know you from Adam and your posts don't convince me that you're not looking down on them, but I could be 100% wrong (and hopefully I am!)

Walter H Price

cactusgal wrote: »

I do remember a post of yours from a while back in the Dublin forum, stating that you wouldn't want to live in an area with working class people or immigrants, and, as a working class immigrant myself, I did take offense.

Just be careful of how you come across to people. If you claim you're not snobby, just make sure you are not coming across such. I don't know you from Adam and your posts don't convince me that you're not looking down on them, but I could be 100% wrong (and hopefully I am!)

Completely different situation , just because i wouldn't choose to live in a working class area doesn't mean i look down on or don't want to have a relationship with my OH family.

She comes from a working class background and would be even more against moving to a working class are then i would be, i don't see that as snobbery at all to be honest, just personal preference.

LegacyUser

OP - you say you don't have anything in common with her uncles etc. and it's an awkward hello and silence, but do you actually TRY to engage with them? Or do you say hello and then sit in awkward silence with a big bored head on ya?

You say they're working class (in trades I'd imagine?), enjoy the odd bet, pints, football, etc. do you actually engage with them? Do you ask them about their work? You know nothing about what they do so why not ask them to explain it to you? You don't really bet so why not ask them what they look for when they're placing a bet on a dog/horse? Get them chatting to you so they (and you) loosen up a bit. It's very easy to get people to like you/open up to you if you ask them about the things that they like. Plus if as you say, you come from a middle class background, they may be a bit more guarded because like it or not you're coming across here like you think you're better than them and like you have nothing to say to them.

For example, I met my OH's parents a few weeks ago. They're retired, live down the country, dad is into music (no bands that I would know) and placing the odd bet on a dog/horse and football while her mum is a nurse, into knitting/crafts, etc. I have no interest in any of those things but I chatted to them, asked about knitting, acted/was genuinely interested in their replies which led to them asking me about things that I like which then made me feel comfortable. We ended up getting on like a house on fire. But you need to TRY!

SarahMollie

Walter - I have to say (in the nicest possible way) that as someone who has seen a few of your threads, you do have a knack of getting peoples backs up at times. Notions around class in Ireland will always be a hot button topic, so dislexia aside, I do think you need to watch your posting style if you genuinely don't mean to offend others.

If it comes across on Boards, then chances are it comes across in real life, so some self awareness might not go astray here.

I'd also say that you need to talk to your girlfirned about her expectations of your relationship with her family. Not everyone is a social chameleon, and while it seems she's well able for it, thats not true of everyone and its unfair to expect that of you. I'm getting married myself this year and while myself and my OH actually come from very similar backgrounds, I don't socialise with his family without him, nor he with mine. We go to each others family dinners and events etc, and I'd maybe occasionally pop in to collect something or drop something off on my own, but I don't need to go on spa days with his mam and sister for our relationship to be complete.

Once you're friendly and openminded at family gatherings then I really don't see a problem. You need to talk to your GF about her expectations. I assume she hangs around with your family because she actually wants to as much as anything else, and also because there is a natural overlap of interests. Its perfectly valid for that not to be equally the case for you.

Walter H Price

SarahMollie wrote: »

Walter - I have to say (in the nicest possible way) that as someone who has seen a few of your threads, you do have a knack of getting peoples backs up at times. Notions around class in Ireland will always be a hot button topic, so dislexia aside, I do think you need to watch your posting style if you genuinely don't mean to offend others.

If it comes across on Boards, then chances are it comes across in real life, so some self awareness might not go astray here.

I'd also say that you need to talk to your girlfirned about her expectations of your relationship with her family. Not everyone is a social chameleon, and while it seems she's well able for it, thats not true of everyone and its unfair to expect that of you. I'm getting married myself this year and while myself and my OH actually come from very similar backgrounds, I don't socialise with his family without him, nor he with mine. We go to each others family dinners and events etc, and I'd maybe occasionally pop in to collect something or drop something off on my own, but I don't need to go on spa days with his mam and sister for our relationship to be complete.

Once you're friendly and openminded at family gatherings then I really don't see a problem. You need to talk to your GF about her expectations. I assume she hangs around with your family because she actually wants to as much as anything else, and also because there is a natural overlap of interests. Its perfectly valid for that not to be equally the case for you.

i agree it seems fairly easy to get people wound up as soon as you mention class , i don't know what other wording to put around the fact that myself and my OH come from very different socio economic backgrounds , its not necessarily that she has expectations or is putting pressure on i just know it would mean allot to her if i could build some relationships there.

I really don't try and come across as a snob around her family , i'm walking on egg shells around them if anything trying to steer away from a whole range of topics such as work , holidays , money , politics , religion etc... all of which she has red flagged for me, so as to avoid coming across as snobby (whatever that even means) or getting into pointless rows with them.

Going away this weekend was part of that but it really hasn't worked out to be honest and i'm just feeling a bit defeated by the thing at this stage , never had much issue getting on with people made friends from all sorts of community's , nationality's cultures etc in work and college or when traveling but i just cant seem to gel with her Uncles or any of the lads in her family at all. That said im going to keep trying because i know it will mean allot to her if i can build even one or two decent relationships there.

freshpopcorn

I nearly knew who wrote this thread without even looking at the user name.
I just think ye're from different backgrounds and Itheir might be issues you'd have in future if you did have children regarding how'd they mix with her family and if they picked up traits of cousins you didn't like.
I don't know your situation but an issue I've often heard about when somebody from a well off family marries into a less well off family. The clash can often happen because the person who's well off can be very patronising to the family and they don't relies the working class family can see this.
Your yourself OP and theirs nothing wrong with it as long as ye're happy then that's fine. You can run people up the wrong way without meaning to do it.

zoobizoo

I think that regardless of their class, that there is no common ground.

If you weren't (about to be) related to these guys, you'd have nothing to talk to them about. Being engaged to their niece doesn't change that. You have the where withall to acknowledge that. They don't.

There's a lad in the gang I hang out with... we've friends in common, shared history, have been to each other's weddings etc but I couldn't be in his company for longer than an hour. Why? Different sense of humour, different outlook on life, different way of communicating, and, well, we just don't have a lot to talk about.

If they can't understand why you don't want to get drunk or hang out in a smoking area, that's nothing to do with class. It's about understanding and accepting someone else's opinion and point of view. I wouldn't take that from anyone of any class - as in, I'd stick to what I do and not feel the need to explain myself more than once.

Are they not allowed to bring up certain topics to chat to you about?

SarahMollie

Honestly I think you're over thinking it. Like I'd say that myself and my OH are from very compatible backgrounds. Both sets of parents are university educated and held professional jobs prior to retirement. We both grew up with every advantage and never wanted for anything.

Now, according to your logic, it should be totally plain sailing with each others families, right? But its never that simple. Background is one thing, but personalities are another. His and mine of course, then the respective parents, and then extended family. His brother is quite quiet so I always make an effort to talk to him specifically rather than getting lost in whole whole family chitchat. He also has two aunties who are in their 70's and set in their ways to put it nicely. They're lovely, kind and generous to us but I actively have to steer conversations away from all of the topics you listed above, because otherwise it would be a disaster. You should have heard them about the same sex marriage referendum for example, total advocates for the "No" side and parroting all of those prejudices associate with that campaign. I made the conscious decision to tune them out because I was never going to change them and just had to put it down to them being from a different generation.

Also, you should have seen them all trying to hide their shock when we announced we wern't going to have a church wedding. But like I said, its generational, and they (thankfully) held their tongues on that subject while I could tell they were fit to burst!

There are complex dynamics in most families, and its really not unusual to come across challenges. Not everyone will share your beliefs and opinions and you just have to do your best to get along.

LynnGrace

Go with the flow, OP. Not everyone has perfect relationships with in-laws, but it's important to do your best to get along, IMO.

I'd suggest as well try to put notions of class out of your mind. It does feature rather a lot in your posts, from what I have seen, and possibly makes you come across as being a bit hung up on the whole thing of what background / area people are from, and so on.

The weekend you described wouldn't really be my cup of tea either, but I guess we all have experience of, as I said at the start, going with the flow at times.

Maybe have a chat with your fiancée also about what she would like you, as in both of you to do, to make the whole in-law interaction more comfortable all around.

DoctorBoo

The problem is this: you don't have a lot in common with your partner's family. Ok. But, instead of putting that down to personal differences, you put it down to class. This is the problem. Not the lack of feeling - it is your conclusion that it is because they are a different class that is causing problems. You can think you are making an effort, trying to be subtle, but it is clear to all that you have a problem with them being working class. We see it. They see it.
Park your prejudices. You don't have a lot in common with them. End of.

listermint

I feel the OP has prejudices and lack of actual empathy.

Upper middle class what is that?

I mean you opened your first post saying that all the family talk about are social welfare benefits and then later told everyone that the they all work and are grand.

It feels like you don't actually know how to interact with people as in just people on any level.

It's not their issue you feel class is a thing and that your interests are more important than theirs despite both being interested in rugby. I guess your rugby is different to their lower class rugby.


The only common denominator here is your prejudices and your lack of communication skills with people.i guess that stems from not working in your youth and prob being spoon fed till you were exiting college.?

Ursus Horribilis

I agree with the person who asked how much of an effort have you really made with them? In general, people love to talk about themselves and the things that interest them. Especially if the person they're talking to appears to be interested in what they have to say. You're not going to click with everyone you meet but it's odd that you don't seem to have connected with anyone from her family. They're surely not all inarticulate slack-jawed dolts?

leggo

I remember your Christmas thread too. Just throwing this out there: when you're constantly posting in RI about one relationship, whatever the problem, it's not a great sign for a start...

Secondly, I think you're making it a class thing where it's not. As people have pointed out, whatever the reason, you seem to rub people up the wrong way. I'm sure you're a perfectly decent bloke at heart and maybe just struggle to communicate that effectively in certain situations, but that's been the case here and seems to be the case with her family too. And instead of confronting the fact that the problem may be you, you're putting your defences up and saying "They don't like me because I'm better than them," to make yourself feel better. That's pretty common and natural. I don't tell you this to hurt you, I tell you because if you accept it you'll probably get a lot further.

Maybe in your quest to win them over, deal with the fact that another bloke who lived on your road growing up likely could've gone in and gotten on with them all just fine by being more sociable and interested. And do some soul-searching as to why that is and what you could do differently if you open the door to the idea that you're the problem, not your background and not them either, because in accepting responsibility it means we can actually do something about the problem and fix it rather than exacerbate it for the sake of protecting our own feelings and making our life worse as a result.

Chocolate fiend

I think you are making far too much of their background when the fact might be that they just don't like you? There is no guarantee that people of the same background would or even should get on. There are people I grew up with who had very similar lives to me that I just don't get on with. We (apart from our backgrounds) have nothing real in common. Your "class" does not give you something in common with people.

I grew up in a vastly different background to my husband but, we both get on well with each others families who are very very different from each other. It's called making an effort.

You need to find a way to deal with this, because if you have children they will be part of her family just as much as they are part of yours.

ManOfMystery

Not to start a debate on this, but I think the notion of 'class' only becomes an issue in your head if you allow it to. We all come from different backgrounds yes, but that doesn't make us inherently different people. We all still suffer from the same anxieties and enjoy the same things - family/work/love/sex/music/sport/etc when you remove the window dressing of whether you grew up in a dilapidated ex-council house or a £500k mansion.

Once you start categorising groups of people and convincing yourself that you - as middle-upper class (whatever that may be) - have nothing in common with Joe Bloggs - who is lower class - it's you who is segregating things. And be it consciously or subconsciously, you're telling yourself that there is a difference between you and them which makes communication difficult.

There is always common ground. You need to make the effort to find it, because judging by your previous threads, this issue is going almost certainly arise again in your future. I have some friends who are on average wage like me and come from what I would call a middle-of-the-road background, I have a couple who are from poor backgrounds and one of whom is jobless and skint, and I have another couple of friends who would be millionaires or close to it. We often hang out as a group. The issue of money doesn't arise. Whilst the well-off guys and the poor guys may mix in different circles at times, it's not like they can't talk about football/weather/Donald Trump/cars/whatever. Discussions don't have to veer to one extreme like discussing Freud's theories about human intellect, or the other extreme of talking about the local bookies.

People are people. Put the notion of backgrounds out of your head and you might find it easier to engage with them.

Bambi985

Agree entirely with you ManofMystery.

However i will say one thing - there's a huge difference between befriending a person and dating a person. Issues of background - which can be quite complex and affect everything from money management to outlook on life - will arise and will impact much more in a relationship than they ever will in a friendship. It's because you're building a life with someone versus hanging out with them a few times a month.

amtc

You know that's a very good point...between friendship and relationship. For example I have a very good friend and get on well with family but we have fundamentally different religious and political tenets. Doesn’t matter in friendship but causing issues in my friend's family due to schools etc.

My dad always said he married my mam not her family. He would have nothing in common with them (mind you sometimes I wonder about him and my mam). Mam did her Leaving Cert at a time when not common, none of the others did.

There is absolutely no need for you to be intertwined. My mam's family despite living across the world are close...I viber my aunts and cousins in Australia and America most days. I have five cousins on my dad's side all in Dublin...pretty close to two. They'really just not a close family though.

Different strokes for different blokes.

Anyway if it works work it. With your partner. Not family!

Big Bag of Chips

Walter H Price wrote: »

small things like shes gone to a few shows with my mum and sister and she generally gets on well with them and my family all really like her. But despite trying a good few different things with her Uncles , cousins , mam's partner and stuff i just cant seem to gel with them or find any common ground with them at all

This is more down to personalities though than background. From my reading of your threads, your fiance sounds like a sweetheart! I'd say she'd get on with anyone, because she's eager to be there and be nice to people she meets. You on the other hand seem to be less social than she is. Preferring to keep yourself to yourself and spend time just you two rather than in groups.

Neither are wrong, they're just different. Being open, and sociable and friendly, and finding common ground with people comes naturally to your gf. It doesn't come naturally to you. Your gf came into a group (your family) and made an effort to gel with the group. She didn't want the group to alter themselves to suit her. Because she is who she is, it worked. You went into a group and expected everyone in the group to alter themselves to you. Rather than you fitting into the group, you want the group to work around you. That's not going to happen.

Your gf would like you to make more of an effort. If you can, do. If you can't then put everyone out of their misery and make your excuses. I remember your Christmas thread where you said your gf specifically didn't want you going to her family home for a few days, and I kind of understand why.

I'm a bit like your gf, and my husband is like you. I have zero in common with his family. Nothing. They're not even the type of people I'd know, let alone socialise with, if I wasn't married to him. But I go along to family functions, I visit their houses, I join in on conversations. Even though we are from different areas of the country, and grew up in very different areas (me rural, them sprawling suburbs) I usually find something I can contribute to and laugh and joke along to. I've gone on nights out with his sisters. I even went trying on wedding dresses with one of his sisters before my wedding even though I knew we had completely different styles. I knew I'd hate anything she suggested!! She didn't like anything I picked. I didn't like anything she picked, but we still had a nice day out together without either of us insulting the other person's taste. She wanted to come with me, so we went. Even though I knew nothing was going to be picked that day!! They all like me (I think!) because I make an effort and am happy to join in with things they enjoy doing. On the other hand, my husband doesn't visit my family. Comes to very few family dos... Weddings I suppose are the only thing! And it works for us. I prefer that he doesn't come along to birthday parties, or christenings or whatever else because I would be on edge and feel obliged to leave early because I know he'd be uncomfortable, and it IS picked up on by others.

So do your gf a favour. Decline invites to things. Make an excuse. Everyone will know its an excuse, but to be honest, it would suit everyone (especially you!) if you didn't go. I love my husband. But I enjoy family occasions better when he's not with me! I'm more relaxed and can enjoy myself and mingle more. I go to his without issue. Although we usually end up leaving early, anyway. His insistence!!

You're two different people. Your gf would like if you made more of an effort with her family, but I think she has accepted its not going to happen. So don't force it anymore. It's uncomfortable for you and for the people who know you don't really want to be there with them.