Objective advice needed

LegacyUser

Just in need of an impartial advice on here as lost all objectivity over the past few months.
Mid-thirties female and I’ve seeing this guy for roughly two and a bit years. Was single for a long, long time and then out of the blue met this guy, on the surface very lovely, our personalities match and when we are together things really are great. He had some addiction issues at the start notably weed and alcohol, however this has been curtailed greatly, I made him realise how it was overtaking his day-to-day life. However he subsequently was let go from work, now on benefits and despite saying he’s doing interviews and busy applying he just never gets a job. Its coming up on well over year now and still nothing. I’ve tried to be supportive (looking of positions in my work/asking friends), I’ve tried to help him search, I’ve even suggested short term/part-time work just to bring some money in (got a flat out no as its beneath him) but its just reaching the stage where Im just sitting back looking at him thinking is this the person I wish to be with? Such a lovely guy but he just cant get it together. I haven’t spoken to him in a few days as no longer know what to think or feel any more, i’d appreciate any thoughts. for what its worth having kids together is irrelevant here in case that is raised and we arent living together.

Minera

Advice? wrote: »

Such a lovely guy.

After 2 and a half years you should probably feel more for him than he's lovely.
I know I am going to be slaughtered for this but you are in your mid 30s stop wasting both your time.

Walter H Price

OP if this guy is the same age as you i.e mid thirties , you have to think there isn't much more growing up or maturing for him left to do , as much as it sounds like you do care for him , if your life goals don't match at all this is not going to work out long term ... i think you'd be better moving on

Emme

Advice? wrote: »

I’ve even suggested short term/part-time work just to bring some money in (got a flat out no as its beneath him)

Does he expect you to support him? Are you happy with that?

I agree with the poster who said to get out now. He is not treating you with respect.

Ursus Horribilis

Unless the guy has legitimate reasons for sitting at home, I'd be heading for the hills. Ive been out of work and I know how soul destroying it is. But to be turning down jobs because they're beneath him? That's telling me lot about the nature of this guy. Unless he's genuinely depressed or something, then he should be getting up off his arse and working. Also, I wonder is he still smoking weed? That can take away people's drive.

Wanderer78

sounds like depression to me, is this a possibility?

LegacyUser

Hi All, OP here. To answer some questions, I do love and care for him deeply but over time I feel like Ive become the person to make him realise he needs to grow up, at this age he should have enough cop on. I dont want to be this person and just stepped back from the relationship a little bit. In some conversations I've become harsh with him and I dont like it.

He doesn't expect me to support him financially but there has been times where I've paid as he just doesn't have the money (i.e. nothing big more like cinema tickets etc). Of course he always says he'll pay me back and when working but still no job.

As far as I know the weed usage has stopped (its a complete deal breaker for me and this discussion has been had) but then again you just never know. He could be slightly depressed too, I havent asked outright but I just cant understand his attitude and reticence in getting work. A sweet lovely guy and in the right circumstances I could have spent my life with him but over time I feel just like its going nowhere. Its just so sad. Do I just talk to him, explain my reasons and walk away now? Do I give it one more chance for him to fix things? Its heart breaking as its up to me to make this decision.

redfox123

Does he know you're very close to walking away? Do you think he just doesn't really care? Have you told him how frustrated you are? Not in an argumentative or accusatory way but in a way that says you want things to work but are anxious because you don't know how it will..What is he qualified in, does he need to retrain? Sometimes a few knock backs can affect someone and they lose motivation, he may really need to go back to college, or take any job and go to classes in the evening. What does he say when you bring up options like this, or the future in general? If you have tried several times to talk and he is dismissing you every time, knowing how it's affecting you and the relationship then you have your answer.

Wanderer78

OP_Here wrote: »

Hi All, OP here. To answer some questions, I do love and care for him deeply but over time I feel like Ive become the person to make him realise he needs to grow up, at this age he should have enough cop on. I dont want to be this person and just stepped back from the relationship a little bit. In some conversations I've become harsh with him and I dont like it.

He doesn't expect me to support him financially but there has been times where I've paid as he just doesn't have the money (i.e. nothing big more like cinema tickets etc). Of course he always says he'll pay me back and when working but still no job.

As far as I know the weed usage has stopped (its a complete deal breaker for me and this discussion has been had) but then again you just never know. He could be slightly depressed too, I havent asked outright but I just cant understand his attitude and reticence in getting work. A sweet lovely guy and in the right circumstances I could have spent my life with him but over time I feel just like its going nowhere. Its just so sad. Do I just talk to him, explain my reasons and walk away now? Do I give it one more chance for him to fix things? Its heart breaking as its up to me to make this decision.

if he is suffering with depression, it may require professional intervention