Boyfriend is a weed addict, is there hope for a future with children?

EmmaS93

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for over 2 years now. Were both almost 24 this coming March, he works in Penny's and plans to go back to college to do a Bachelors in Science while I am in a job having completed a Masters. Considering there is a big gap in what stage were at in our lives it will be a struggle to begin to raise a family when we would like to, by the time were both 28 he will only be finished college and trying to seek employment while I will have an developing career. This will be a challenge for us but I am willing to face this challenge if in the long run were compatible as a couple for the rest of our lives. 
My growing concern for the future is primarily focused on his weed habit. He has been smoking since 14/15 years old and he smokes least 3 times a day, with the evening being the peak time. He spends around 50 euro a week on it. I don't mind the smell of it and I don't mind the way he seems when he smokes it. I presume he has built a tolerance to the drowsy affects of the drugs as he is able to function the same as when he is sober. It's actually when he hasn't smoked for half day- day that he becomes irritated. For example when we go on holiday, particularly when we are travelling he is very irritated and snappy and I feel its because he is out of his comfort zone and doesn't have weed to help. He always compares it to me drinking, claiming that drink is the real culprit as it causes deaths and antisocial behavior. I actually agree with him but it's not the same because I don't drink every day, I only drink on the weekend and sometimes I don't drink on the weekend. It also worries me that he could be fined or worse for possession of it. He argues that in 10 years it will be decriminalized because it is happening in many countries across the globe. I seen an article that in the future, if we were going to adopt decriminalization, Ireland would adopt a similar one to Portugal. The system is if a person is caught with the substance it is a civil matter, the person will be registered as a used and will need to attend a drugs counselling session at least once. 
But that isn't my main concern, everything is fine now that were young and don't have any heavy responsibilities, but what about when we have children, own a house together etc.As a mother I want to able to rush to my child's attention if they are in need or danger with a sober mind. That's not to say I won't ever drink, I will have the occasional drink. But I don't like the idea that he would be stoned every night, what if we needed to go the hospital all of sudden etc. Also when the children become teens, they will begin to cop on that there dad is out the back smoking when they're in bed or out for a walk every night. He won't be able to hide it from them. How will that influence them? Knowing that they're father smokes weed every night. What if we have a rough patch with little money and we have to cut down on our expenses, will he still pay 50 euro a week on it? 
Despite everything, I really do love him. I feel like I can be 100% myself around him and we have a great laugh together. I would be heartbroken to end it with him and It would break his heart too. 

Am I over analyzing the weed situation in the future or should I break it off before its too late?

Dr Crayfish

One step at a time. You're 24 and you're worrying about your non existent teenage kids? I know some stoners who function very well in work and family life, but I can understand why you are not comfortable with his habit.. If it's a real problem for you, talk to him, discuss maybe him cutting down and if he won't then you should probably break up with him.

Loveinapril

I agree with Crayfish. You are 24, calm down! Myself and my fella (now husband) were potheads at that age too but grew out of it. Your boyfriend is likely to too.
Maybe have a chat with him about the noticed moodiness when you are away and how you can see it's effects when he is not smoking it. I know myself I got cranky if I hadn't smoked in a day or two. As long as he can afford it, still gets sh!t done everyday and isn't driving while stoned I would just leave him to it!

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think you're being foolish to look to the future. The future you're looking to is settling down and starting a family, with this man. You've been with him for 2 years now, it's not like you've been on a couple of dates and are wondering about children already!! If you didn't see a future in this relationship people would be telling you to end it and not waste his time by hanging around. So I think you're right to be thinking ahead.

My friend started going out with a fella in her early 20s. He was a big drinker. She always put it down to him being young and just enjoying himself, and he'd "grow out of it". To cut a long story short at 36, with a marriage a mortgage and 2 children she realised he wasn't going to grow out of it, and he had just gotten progressively worse over the years. She was a single mother with a useless, moody and oftentimes abusive adult sharing her house. She is now separating from him and one of her children has been referred to a psychologist.

Some people don't need to heed warning signs because they know the reality of the person they are building a life with and know they will come good when the time comes. Others ignore their gut feeling when it's screaming at them that all is not right. Those people who ignore it, tend to regret not listening at the time.

Only you know what your bf is like. Only you know whether your gut is trying to tell you something, or if you're being prematurely over dramatic.

topmanamillion

As has been said OP you`re really jumping the gun here.
Have you spoken about kids/marriage/mortgage with him?
While I understand women and men think about things differently id be surprised if a 24 year old lad has that planned out like you have.

Putting that aside I think its important you deal with the here and now rather than imagining a future life together.

It would be a good idea to talk to him about his weed use.
Ask him why he smokes, does he feel he`s dependent on it and how would he feel about cutting back.
His answers to those questions should give you a clear idea of where he`s at.
Best of luck.

Warriorgirl

Hi OP,

Addiction is addiction and doesn't matter the substance!! Sounds like your boyfriend is weed dependent!

There is a big difference between recreational use and dependency! Personally I think it's a very insidious drug! You are right to ask questions. Your gut is telling you something is off! Take note!!

Doing something every day is a very bad sign.

Airyfairy12

Wow you need to slow down. You don't know what's going to happen next week never mind 15/20 years from now. You need to focus on the present and immediate future, you have your whole life planned out step by step, trust me nothing ever works out like you think it will, life throws curve balls and plans don't always work out.

I also wouldnt be looking down on your partner for not having progressed in his career like you have. Unless you worked and saved for every cent you needed to pay for your masters, accommodation and living expenses you don't have the right to criticize somebody else who might not have the same supports that you do. Theres nothing worse than someone whose privileged and was given hand outs and support to get where they needed to go looking down on someone else who never had the same handups in life. Count yourself lucky you got your masters so young, most people have to scrape and save for years or take out huge loans to progress in their education, it came pretty easy to you so I wouldnt be using it as a stick to beat your partner.

As for his weed addiction, I don't care what anybody says, weed is addictive and it does cause mental and personality changes. I know somebody first hand who was a regular smoker since he was 13 and diagnosed with schizophrenia in his early 20's, it was directly related to his smoking habit. It causes depression, anxiety and paranoia for allot of people. Like alcohol its not suited to everyone, some people can drink/smoke their whole lives and not be effected in the slightest, others develop addictions and mental health disorders due to their use, it depends on the person.

That being said he needs to quite for himself, if he's doing it because you told him too he'll only do it behind your back and it'll cause problems, id just leave him to it, most people ease off it as they get older anyway.
Stop worrying so much.

DoctorBoo

Listen to what your gut is telling you. It's telling you that he has an addiction. You know yourself from being around him that it isn't simply a hobby that he can take or leave. It is a priority. I would bet he organises things around his habit, to make sure that he won't be without.
He is snappy and irritable when he can't have it. He is making lots of 'rational' arguments to validate his addiction. He is spending E200 a month on it.... These are all signs that it goes beyond a relaxing activity.
I don't believe that you are overreacting. You know what you want and you know whether this matches it.

Eric Cartman

the chap is in his 20's and spending 50 a week on ganj. I know many lads who spend twice that a week or more and are functional human beings. The irritability I would almost put down to a nicotine craving (assuming he mixes it with tobacco) , tell him to buy a pack of smokes and try give up the ganj for 3 days using those instead, if he's perfectly fine with just the smokes its a nicotine craving making him irritable. Which, while still an addiction, alleviates some of your concerns.

Most lads Ive known through the years give up the ganj by 28-30 , obviously a dependancy is possible (not a chemical one, a mental one, the substance itself is not addictive) , but id say its a 20% chance of that vs an 80% chance he'll grow out of it like most lads.

Flippyfloppy

The crux of the issue really is your boyfriend doesn't seem to ever intend giving up weed from what you've told us. And you're right, theoretically, if you had kids in 3/4 years,would he be able to able to transport them if necessary during an emergency? No, he wouldn't. However a lot more is expected of a father than just taking them when he's not smoking.

Would he be able to manage a newborn and weeks of two hours sleep here and there and smoking weed and a new career? I don't think so.

It would be one thing if he at least planned to quit, many say they will and don't bother. But by the sounds of it he doesn't see it as an issue, which is the first step. You know from spending time with him first hand about his mood swings etc (I was there too with ex, an ex for that reason) so don't let people you don't know tell you you're overreacting.

Regarding having your life planned out you don't, you just know where your life is heading, and using some cop on.

Clampdown

You're going way OTT.Worrying about things that are nowhere near happening.

Weed isn't physically addictive firstly. Can be habit forming, but so is coffee.

We've all heard of families torn apart by alcoholism, cocaine or heroin addiction. But have you ever heard of a family being destroyed because of the father being a marijuana user?

If you can't accept your bf for who he is, how he is, then don't start a family with him. Maybe he will decide to stop smoking, maybe not. But it will have to be his decision.

Walter H Price

Long way to go before you have Kids OP , lot of hurdles between now and then give it the few years see where your at then.

If you were thinking of having kids now obviously should be a major red flag as addicts are not fit parents , but your not , so give it time.

Chancer3001

24 smokes weed every day and works in penny's.

I wouldn't be hitching myself to that wagon.

In fairness I think ya know that yourself

Bambi985

i was nowhere near thinking about having kids at 24 (nor am i now at 31!) but would have seen any kind of drug habit as a red flag at that or at any age.

I know weed isn't exactly heroine but it's still addictive, habit-forming and doesn't lend itself to the kind of lifestyle i am interested in.

if it's not compatible with your lifestyle and your values it's ok to walk away.

Bandana boy

I think you need to look at the overall connection you have with this guy , education , career and drugs are pretty big pillars for the two of you to be so misaligned .

You say he is going to sort the education out at 24 and while this might be true it might also not and might take more that 4 years . Who is funding this return to college , what does that mean for deciding where you will live , what holidays you will have putting together a deposit for a house etc . The problems that arise from this disconnect will increase over time.
Are the foundations of attraction and the connection you currently have enough to weather the problems that will arise ?

I suspect you are beginning to doubt they will ,and I would always tell someone to trust their instincts.

LegacyUser

He is happy enought I say with the job in Penneys and smoking weed. He is spending €200 a month on this which is €2400 a year. In 5 years that is €12,000.

He said he will go back to college - have you seen he has the money to do this? Does he expect you to support him when he does this?
If he goes back to college you will be 28/29 when he finishes college so what is going to happen to your plans over the next 4 to 5 years? Are you going to give up the job chances or the chance of travel because he has no money/time to do this?

One of my friends got involved with a man who was fond of the the drink. She first meet him in their early 20's but in her 30's when they had a family she realised he was never going to change. She did not want their children growing up short of money, seeing him drunk and witness him and her arguing over the drinking. She told him she wanted him out of the family home.

At 24 you have spent 2 years with this man. My feeling is that you know you and him are going in different directions/what different things. Perhaps your friends or family may have said something about him also. As one poster here said 24, working in penneys, weed smoker - I wouldn't be hitching myself to that wagon.
I know it is not easy ending a 2 year realtionship but your better off doing this now and making the best of the chances having the masters will give you.

Galway_Old_Man

Were both almost 24 this coming March, he works in Penny's and plans to go back to college to do a Bachelors in Science while I am in a job having completed a Masters

Given what you've told us, I would put a bet on him not ever going back (and certainly not competing) a degree. I've seen time and again with big pot heads, it's always the big plan down the road...

Despite what some are saying here you're two years into a relationship, it's absolutely important that you're not wasting your time. Sounds like you should have a chat with him about the future. You certainly seem to want a family, and we all know that someone stoned all day isn't exactly father of the year material. It's better to get this out in the open with him and decide where to go.

freshpopcorn

I know plenty of people with shop jobs and their married to highly educated people and their happily married couples. So the job wouldn't bother me a little bit as long as you know what his income would be.
The weed smoking I'd be very much on the fence about on boards it's always said weed is harmless/etc but I've experienced weed having very bad effects on people. I don't know your situation regarding his dependence on it. Have you actually talked to him about your concerns? Also what job do you want to have in the future is it one that having a partner who could end up with a drugs conviction look bad with.

Estrellita

People that feel you are jumping the gun with your thinking aren't living your life, you are entitled to have roughly mapped out what your expectations are for the future.

I personally think you have a mature and responsible approach to your life. It sounds as though your boyfriend has the excuses and reasoning for his addiction well versed, and has no intention to give up weed any time soon. I'd have the same concerns you do about it, especially if children are brought into the fray. He disregards the financial aspect of this also, which is concerning from a money management point of view. He's spending €50 per week out of what I can't imagine to be a big wage from Penny's. I'm not convinced he will return to college either.

Being on holiday should be enjoyable, but it doesn't sound like it at all. To me, his habit would feel like a dead weight on the relationship. Your age shouldn't matter here, you have ideals and expectations for your life which he is dismissing so he can continue his habit.