How to let someone that means the world to you go?

Surfgirl24

Okay so I am a mess! A complete mess!y relationship with my on again off again boyfriend is very unhealthy I know that I know it sounds crazy that I know that but I'm still in a relationship with someone who has proved they don't care about me. I love him more than anything I would do anything in the world for this guy. I see my self having a future with him he is the love of my life we used to have such a great relationship he used to be so in love with me he would be romantic and say nice things and then all of a sudden it just stopped we have broken up a few times horribly, but then ended up back together because of me really because I couldn't let go and I made it work. I feel like that he doesn't want to be with me and I need to let go but I am completely obsessed with him I really don't want to lose him? Why is it so hard to let go of someone who doesn't feel the same about you? We have been together for 3 years and in many months d 20's. how do I let someone go?

GLaDOS

OP I've moved this to relationship Issues as it's more suitable here.

Please take the time to read the Charter.

Ursus Horribilis

I remember your other thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057696195

It's not clear if you took any advice at all from it. If you genuinely want to break this toxic cycle, then you're going to have to the legwork yourself. There is no magic pill. People suggested counselling, contacting Women's Aid, blocking his number and cutting contact. Did you do any of the above?

blue_man83

I think you have an image in your head of who you want this guy to be. He has fulfilled this sometimes and the rest you make excuses for.

You're in love with the image and therefore the connection to that image. You seem to keep this relationship alive, if you were to stop would he pick up the pieces?

A step back, reflection, and a little inner searching to find out about yourself will put this situation clearly.

It is hard to let people go out of fear of not finding someone else or fear that they will. I think you need to build up your inner strength. Love yourself first and the rest will follow.

Wish you the best.

dellas1979

You have to want better for yourself.

Youve to believe youre worth more, and deserve 100% better.

Loveinapril

dellas1979 wrote: »

You have to want better for yourself.

Youve to believe youre worth more, and deserve 100% better.

This!

You absolutely need to see a counsellor. To hear him say those things (mentioned in your other thread) and go back to him is evidence that your self esteem is non existent. You need to start doing things for you to get out of this "obsession". See your friends more, get a hobby and start spending time with decent loving people.

redfox123

You clearly don't value yourself, sorry to say, and you are living in fantasy land where you think you can make him love you. I think every poster could come on here and say about your low self esteem and you deserve better but it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference, you want what you want and will do anything no matter how desperate to get what you want, it doesn't matter one bit what he wants. So think of it this way, you do not love him, because if you did you would let him go and find happiness without you, because he does not want you, you are trapping him and trying to convince him and manipulate him to stay. He has been clear as day that he doesn't want you and you don't and won't make him happy. What you feel is a selfish attachment to a romantic idea of what you would like and think you're entitled to because you're so 'obsessed' with him, but this guy absolutely doesn't exist. You know this deep down.

I'm in no way saying you're the bad guy, he is clearly pond scum, and very abusive, but I'm trying to make you see you do not love him, it's not real, it's complete desperate neediness (which will turn anyone off), and if you truly loved him you would set him free completely. You have to do this not him. But make sure you completely break all contact, it will never work, even if he comes back pleading, it will neverwork.

Big Bag of Chips

You haven't made it work. It's not working. "The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results".

By your own admission, you're 'obsessed' with him. That in itself is not healthy. No relationship can survive if one partner is 'obsessed' with the other. It leads to a real imbalance in the relationship and can lead to an abuse of the person's feelings. He knows he can do and say whatever he likes to you and you'll still chase him. Why would he change anything?

There's no advice people can give you really, because this comes down to you having to come to your senses yourself. Until that happens your life will just continue the cycle it is in now. Or maybe the day will come when he meets someone he does really love. Someone who he truly falls for. When that day comes you won't be able to make it work anymore, because he'll be gone.

You're not that person. You're not the person he wants to be with, and realistically he's not the person you want to be with either. You want him, but if he was different. He's not going to be different. Not for you.

Ursus Horribilis

I wrote my earlier post on a phone so I thought I'd elaborate on the "no magic pill" comment I made. I mostly wanted to put up the link to your earlier post so the others could see just how awful this man is. To give them a picture of what a bad place you are in.

My guess is that you're looking for some sort of easy way to rid your head of this obsession with this man. Unfortunately, there is no easy solution. No more than there's an easy solution to someone giving up smoking or losing weight. Your issues are clearly very deep and complex. So even though you should be dumping his vile ass and blocking all ways for him to contact you again, it's not going to work here. In my opinion you need professional help to work through your obvious fragility and low self-esteem. The hardest bit is picking up that phone to get help or to make that appointment. How badly do you want to fix you?

milli milli

OP you probably need to get some paper, write in large writing,
HE DOESN'T WANT ME
HE DOESN'T LOVE ME
Stick it to your bathroom mirror.
Add an alert to your phone that says the same thing.
Let those words sink in.
That's why you need to do those things, because even though you know this, it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

Im really not saying this to be mean. I'm really not. The fact that you would do anything for this guy means you must be very loving and have a very big heart. These are great things but you really need to focus this love on you and not him. He doesn't deserve you.
Your self-esteem is very low if you believe you deserve this kind of treatment.

You see if I know a guy doesn't want me, then I tend to be a bit turned off by him. He hasn't done anything wrong, but I'm not going to convince someone to go out with me. I know there is someone else out there that will appreciate what I have to offer.
You really need to feel this kind of love and respect for yourself. You shouldn't take any treatment that you feel isn't right.

Yes things may have been rosy in the past, and it's easy to cling to those things and feel like you can be like that again.
But you never can. It's over now.
You are living the truth now and it's not pretty.

You're not going to improve your self esteem overnight but you need to start loving yourself and respecting yourself.
Take a step in that direction.
Talk to a friend or better yet a counsellor.
Stay away from that guy, don't entertain him if he contacts you.
Remember, he doesn't want you and he doesn't love you.
You deserve someone who wants you and who loves you.

Yellow pack crisps

Low self worth equals seeing what's bad for you and thinking you don't deserve anything better and nothing better is exactly what you get. At this moment in time I would accept the relationship is over and is not healthy and will not be healthy. Then take steps to improve your own mental health and the very apparent self loathing and low self esteem you have of yourself. It came from somewhere and once you work out where we'll then you can begin to understand it and heal. Relationships are hard enough between nice respectful people and what you had was neither! If a partner tells you to go kill yourself and you are still in love with him then there is something terribly wrong. Something needs to change within you and you really need to start seeing your own self value. Leave the toolbag alone and spend sometime by yourself.

mvron

Hi, I was in relationships like this in the past and I can't agree more with the other posters.
I tried & tried but if it's not right, it's just not right.

I'm now in a situation where I have to ask my (wonderful & loving) husband "Would you be ok to help me off the toilet?" or "With my scars could you handle helping me in & out of the shower?" or "Could you help me change my dressings?" He & I are just starting to deal with (my) cancer. These things happen (I'm young!!). Could your boyfriend care enough about you to deal with issues like this? My husband & I don't know yet exactly what we're facing but we will absolutlely face it together!

I was you, honestly, I was there! It's simple to not think about the life changing things that may happen in the future but sometimes they do, despite our best wishes/effort. I am so grateful that I walked (crawled) away from several relationships like the one it sounds like you're in. Life promises more than that. Please do yourself a favour & as a previous poster suggested, if available, do get some counselling.