Recent breakup has me still in knots - any advice?

breadbin

My partner dumped me 3 months ago. We had been seeing each other for 2 years and were very serious. We got on fantastically and had such fun for them 2 years that I never knew anything was wrong. I'm still shocked. After 3 months I still have what feels like an emptiness in my chest. I cry the odd time now when I think about something we did or went etc.

It wasn't a straight split though and we saw each other since, slept together etc. I was desperate to get us back together. She gave me a list of things that I had to change and she said she might get back with me if she saw an improvement. I should have told her to stick her list but I started changing things about myself hoping it might help. She was still giving out. I felt like I could do nothing right. That was true in the relationship too.

We talked and talked about it trying to sort it out. I felt and still do that she didn't want to end it. I always felt we could get back together. We haven't said a word in 2 weeks. I met her in work and was just friendly. In 2 weeks we haven't talked it's getting easier but I still miss her. She wants to be friends but I feel I can't be friends when I still love her. I want to know what to do? Stupid question. I know age shouldn't matter but we both about 40.

One thing she did tell me though that makes me think did she ever love me at all. She said when I got with you I thought you'd change your whole life. Can you love someone and want to change everything about them? She gave me the list too and wanted to change everything about me. Now I'm not a thug or anything. I've a good job. I never treated her badly but part of me feels like if I did we would still be together. I think I was too nice, too boring for her. Plus she told me she wanted me to work out, she wants a guy with muscles! I'm overweight. Any suggestions?

LegacyUser

Hi Op, I never reply to threads here but you post touched a nerve with me as had a very similar experience myself once.

Firstly any relationship where your partner gives you a list of things to change is toxic. Run away fast and don't look back. I would not even consider friendship never mind a relationship with someone like that.

In my case I tried to change, thought everything was my fault, ultimately affected my confidence, happiness, self esteem. It's actually a form of bullying and control. It wasn't until I realised it was driving me to depression that I eventually took advice of friends and cut all contact. Never looked back. Bullying in a relationship is not always physical, took me a while to realise that.

Be happy with yourself for who you are. Be confident in yourself for who you are. Eventually someone will want you for who you are.

That was 10 years ago, married with a couple of kids now. My only regret looking back is I let someone like that waste a year of my life and ultimately affect my happiness, mental health, and well being.

Good luck and all the best. Stay strong.

Clampdown

You know that part where you said 'I should have told her where to stick the list.'?

You were spot on. Let her go.

You'll be better off, and so will she, when she cops on that there isn't a rake of sculpted Adonis's lining up to date her 40 yr old behind.

breadbin

Clampdown wrote: »

You know that part where you said 'I should have told her where to stick the list.'?

You were spot on. Let her go.

You'll be better off, and so will she, when she cops on that there isn't a rake of sculpted Adonis's lining up to date her 40 yr old behind.

I know deep down you're probably right. I think honestly she was in love with the idea but not me.

JustAThought

That all sounds just awful OP - I'm very sorry.

Apart from asking you to lose weight, how many other items were there ?

breadbin

JustAThought wrote: »

That all sounds just awful OP - I'm very sorry.

Apart from asking you to lose weight, how many other items were there ?

A few, about 10 or so. Big ones like the weight, change my job, sell the house then others like I didn't text her back straight away and not answering the phone when I'm in work etc.

knucklehead6

breadbin wrote: »

A few, about 10 or so. Big ones like the weight, change my job, sell the house then others like I didn't text her back straight away and not answering the phone when I'm in work etc.

I don't normally post here but it sounds like you had a lucky escape. It doesn't feel that way to you now, and won't for a while.... but eventually you'll come to realise it. Probably when you are with someone else and you meet your still single ex

JustAThought

breadbin wrote: »

A few, about 10 or so. Big ones like the weight, change my job, sell the house then others like I didn't text her back straight away and not answering the phone when I'm in work etc.

God - she might have been great craic when you were 'complying' or out enjoying life together but tbh all that sounds really controlling & selfcentered. Work is work - not text or chat time, your asset your house your choice, ... & then the career business???you could argue over the career that She may have seen your potential & knew you were capable of more, but it sounds more like she loved your personality but wanted a shopping list for a barbie-man & how to use his assets for her gain or prestige & total control over much if his life & actions or she would walk away.
I'm very sorry for the end of your hopes & dreams with her but it sounds like she was in love with a series of targets for her to enforce & goals for herself to attain rather than a person with their own dreams, goals & life choices.

I'm sorry for the end of your relationship but by the sounds of it she will be the biggest looser. Whatever about (hopefully nicely suggesting if really needed) loosing a bit of weight the rest just crosses too many lines & says far more about her than you, or you together, sadly.

whoopsadoodles

Sorry that you're so hurt OP. Heartache is the worst.

You had a lucky escape. I know this is very harsh a thing to hear but she didn't want you. She wants the man on her tick box list and she can't find him (he doesn't exist) so she wants you to completely change to be that man.

She sounds like a horrible person and I can tell you now that you'll never be right for her. She will always move the goalposts.

Cut all contact with her. Don't let her manipulate you by her coming in and out of your life when it suits her .

It's ok to cry sometimes after a breakup but it will pass.

breadbin

JustAThought wrote: »

God - she might have been great craic when you were 'complying' or out enjoying life together but tbh all that sounds really controlling & selfcentered. Work is work - not text or chat time, your asset your house your choice, ... & then the career business???you could argue over the career that She may have seen your potential & knew you were capable of more, but it sounds more like she loved your personality but wanted a shopping list for a barbie-man & how to use his assets for her gain or prestige & total control over much if his life & actions or she would walk away.
I'm very sorry for the end of your hopes & dreams with her but it sounds like she was in love with a series of targets for her to enforce & goals for herself to attain rather than a person with their own dreams, goals & life choices.

I'm sorry for the end of your relationship but by the sounds of it she will be the biggest looser. Whatever about (hopefully nicely suggesting if really needed) loosing a bit of weight the rest just crosses too many lines & says far more about her than you, or you together, sadly.

Thanks for the replies. I know she has control issues as do others in her family. Bad ones at that but it is good to hear others say it. All my friends say the same thing. Doesn't make this part any easier though! For what it's worth I do know she didn't treat me right. Still have a good bit of anger in me about it. Time to let go some of that though.

Clampdown

I'm guessing she never wondered where your list for her was, am I right? Cuz she thought she was perfect!

leggo

When nothing you can do is ever enough for them, it's usually because they're unhappy in themselves and they're projecting the problem onto you. You could complete her list and there'd just be another one waiting for you.

Wesser

You dodged a bullet there. Well done! Onwards and upwards!

redfox123

Leggo is spot on. Anyone with any maturity will not give someone a list of things to change. If you treated her badly, any sort of abuse or control issues, then a person can say you need to change (although it's better to leave that type of person) but you were doing nothing wrong, she just is not a happy person and is projecting it on you. She was looking for someone to the job of making her happy and that's not love. Love is being mature enough to accept your partner as they are, human and flawed, not the sum of a list of abstract things you think you want your ideal partner to be. There's no feeling in that. You could have done everything on the list and she would find something else, guaranteed. You really are better off, it would only get worse. You were happy all along but my feeling is she always saw you more as a friend, (sorry if that's harsh) she tried to force it by saying if you do this, this and this I might love you more, but these things don't work like that. She was all wrong for you. You will meet someone who will be totally different and not make you question everything all the time.

breadbin

Thanks for the replies. I was doing well not contacting her and had a moment of weakness yesterday. Was gonna text her and decided to leave a message here instead. Glad I did. It's opened my eyes.

I don't want to paint her as an ogre. She has her faults like everyone and her good points. I think she did want a different man one that ticks all the boxes. I agree about the goal posts.

She used make me feel bad about myself just like you said. I'd go out for a good walk, endorphins pumping when I got back all proud of myself. She would then get cross that I didn't go for a swim too. Seems trivial but little things like that get to a person. Always pushing the goal posts, adding to the list.

I remember my mates dad storming out of the house when we were kids and he said to my friend. 'you can't do right for doing wrong son!' I never understood this til this relationship.

Saying all that, I still miss her. I feel sorry for her cos it's probably just the way she was brought up. But I have to keep the chin up.

Ursus Horribilis

It's time to block her number from your phone and delete it. Go cold turkey. You'll thank yourself for doing this later. Keeping in contact with an ex or trying to be friends is a recipe for disaster. It's like having a wound that can't heal because you keep picking at it.

I don't doubt that she has a lot of good points. Nobody's perfect and no relationship is going to be a fairytale either. Having said that, the down sides you've given us are enough reason to steer clear of her. I bristled as I read down through that list of things you had to change. The cheek of her. You're well rid and this is something you will only come to realise as time moves on.

Doddledoo32

Easy to say, let go, harder to do. If you wanna change, change for yourself not her. Won't say time heals all wounds but it helps , and there is someone out there who will love you for you not for who they think you can become. Be gentle with yourself and no contact is the best route x

breadbin

i get the no contact thing. It has been helping. I don't have the luxury of it though. We were working together last night but fortunately she was working in a different area so I didn't have to meet her if i didn't want to and I didn't! Was a bit awkward when we met on the corridor though, said hello but nothing more than that and then this morning she sent me a bitchy message how i didn't have to talk to her she gets the message loud and clear. as if it was me that dumped her. i didn't want any of this.

it made me mad because she is playing mind games with me, turning it around and putting the blame on me as usual but i suppose i felt sorry for her, felt bad. She has a habit of making me feel bad. So i just said if you wait for me i'll give you a lift home because it was icy and she just texted back - its fine. I didn't text back. i'm sick of it. probably shouldn't have texted back but I don't want us to be hating each other. especially when we might bump into each other the odd time. i want to tell her though that i'm not ready to be friends because i still have so much feeling for her. i don't know if its the right thing to do.

Ursus Horribilis

OK so it's awkward having to work with her but you do need to dial back on your interaction with her. I'm sure there are colleagues you work with who you're not that mad about as people. Use that as your template for dealing with her. So be professional and talk to her about work matters only. No texting or offering lifts or anything like that. She's probably going to try and get other digs in as well so be prepared for that. Also, don't fool yourself into thinking the pair of you are going to be friends. Maybe a long time down the road it may happen when you're over the break-up. Not now.

Ursus Horribilis

I meant to add: It's probably driving her mad that she can't control you now. That, I think, is a very significant part of the relationship right up to this day. When she broke up with you, you made it clear to her that you were desperate to continue the relationship. So out came that contemptible list which nobody in their right mind would have compiled in the first place. And you know, even if you did every single thing on this list of hers, she was never going to be happy. Never. There'd always be something else that you were doing wrong.

You are perfectly within your rights to tell her you don't want to be friends or to keep in touch. She is the one who ended the relationship so it's not her call to make. I think for your own long term good you need to cut contact as much as you can. I get the impression that if she makes the right noises and snaps her fingers, you'd get back with her in a heartbeat.

Sephiroth_dude

breadbin wrote: »

she sent me a bitchy message how i didn't have to talk to her she gets the message loud and clear. as if it was me that dumped her. i didn't want any of this.

Don't txt her back, she's nothing but a drama queen and attention seeker and will wreck your head, you had a lucky escape, can you imagine being married too this drama queen?

breadbin wrote: »

it made me mad because she is playing mind games with me, turning it around and putting the blame on me as usual but i suppose i felt sorry for her, felt bad. She has a habit of making me feel bad. So i just said if you wait for me i'll give you a lift home because it was icy and she just texted back - its fine. I didn't text back. i'm sick of it. probably shouldn't have texted back but I don't want us to be hating each other. especially when we might bump into each other the odd time. i want to tell her though that i'm not ready to be friends because i still have so much feeling for her. i don't know if its the right thing to do.

Just ignore her and if you have too work with her keep it civil and professional and leave it at that, if she gets bitchy at you just ignore her and walk away.

JustAThought

She has no one to fight with and control now and must be feeling the bite. If you have to talk to her directly in work find a spot on the top of her head and address your professional comment to that - no eye contact, no chit chat, no incidentals. Delete her number and if possible block her. You will end up hating her and losing your job if this gets into work as it clearly already is - and twarted controlling females have every edge and advantage in work - it will end badly for you unless you take control ( ironically). No friendship, no conversations, no help in the ice - she discharged you, she cannot play Martin Luther and nail your heart to a door and then come back to give you more after breaking up. She is fighting, not reconciling, she cannot deal with having nothing so has come back, having finished it, to control and bitch and lead again.
Try and avoid her in all situations & especially in work - no ducking & diving, glide past quietly, work meetings to above her head , no other contact.

You can be honest & upset by yourself at night away from work - it will get easier but feeding her controlling by engaging or replying to her sharp remarks will lead down a path of destruction and you will most likely be the loser of it. Women, controllers and alpha dominants/competitors tend to be manipulative emotionally - stay out of her circle of destruction and away from her waves of lonely self interested temporary lonely regret which she is taking out on you. She must have no friends to support her - very unusual in a woman & speaks volumes.

breadbin

Thanks for all the advice. It's reinforcing what everyone else has been saying.

Hopefully won't see her too often in work after tonight. I'm kicking myself that I'm such a sap. She's a control freak I always knew it. Guess it was the rose coloured glasses that I didn't see it or just chose to ignore it.

To be honest ursus, no I don't think I would get back with her. I miss her but I'm still so angry with her too. She has my head wrecked. Everyone says I'm a different man since we broke up. Sometimes as much as we try its just not meant to be.

Ursus Horribilis

While I think you're being too hard on yourself by using the word "sap", there is a grain of truth in it. The one thing that struck me as I read through the thread is how willing you were to appease her. I'm not suggesting for one moment that you should become a thug but you should value yourself more. There's a difference between compromising and dropping your keks.

Goldenlady

Hi OP, I don't normally write on boards but again similar to others this thread touched a chord and I had to just give you my input.


Firstly, I am glad you have made the no contact approach now. It has annoyed me that she told you to get a new job, yet she works in the same place!


I am a similar age to you both, and its not natural to be treated like that. you shouldn't want to try and change someone in a relationship you should work together to compliment each others.


I know you briefly mentioned she has some issues at home, unfortunately most people do but its up to the individual to work through it and not project it onto someone else.


You honestly may not feel it now, its still very raw and particularly if you weren't expecting the break up but down the line you will be so happy. you can now get on with your life whatever way you want it and not be controlled by lists and moving goalposts.


Its hard to meet genuine people , don't let her ruin you for the next amazing person you will meet.

best of luck x

dudara

It's absolutely OK to grieve for a relationship, even when ending it was the right thing. Take all the good times that you enjoyed and keep those memories. Lock them away for now, you'll be glad of them at some stage.

But for now, remember why you don't want to be with her. She might even have meant well with her "changes" but she definitely didn't approach them in a healthy way. Consider yourself lucky. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Mrs Woman

breadbin wrote: »

She used make me feel bad about myself 

And this is the reason why you should not be with this woman.  A relationship is not supposed to make you feel less than.  You should have said to her 'You know what you want?  Someone else'.

You've had a lucky escape.  I know you still miss her but missing someone does not make them a good person nor make them right for you.  You sound like a wonderful person but you need take some time out to learn how to love you for who you are and then you will not be willing to change who you are because someone else says so.  And yes, do keep the chin up because you were never going to find the person for you while in a toxic relationship with her.  Now, anything is possible!

leahyl

OP, you sound like a really nice guy who doesn't like confrontation and can be easily controlled, which is why this woman treats you the way she does. You don't deserve it, so just cut yourself off from her and find somebody who will treat you with respect. Think about yourself in this and also about how you'd feel if it was a sister/brother of yours that was in this kind of relationship - what would you tell them? You don't need this.

Big Bag of Chips

Hiya breadbin, you're going to have to be strong, even block her number if you think you'd be tempted to reply to more texts. She will keep poking looking for a reaction. This is new territory for her. Before, you've jumped to her tune. You've taken her lists and addressed them, always trying to do what she wants. Always trying to please her.....

And now you're not.

So she's not sure how to react. So what she is doing, and will do is try to provoke a reaction or a response from you. She'll send you pointed, passive aggressive texts, just to get you explaining yourself to her. You don't need to explain anything. She's not your gf. At the moment she's not even your friend. She's just a work colleague. So don't jump to her tune anymore. You don't have to be mean, you don't have to be rude, you simply just don't have to be anything. You don't have to interact with her for anything outside of work issues.

It'll be difficult for you both, because you are in a routine and there's a habit built up. One of you (you) is going to have to be the strong one and break the habit.