Advice would be appreciated.

mummyoftwo

Hello, I don't ever post here but am feeling really vulnerable and could do with some advice, so others' opinions would be appreciated. I have a little girl (3). Anyway my father fell out with me when I became pregnant as he wasnt happy about my partner and his family took his side. Two of my half brothers haven't even met my two children (I've had a little boy since) and one of my half brothers has met both my children and my half sister would've called here on occasion and has spent time with them. My fathers wife met my daughter once but has never met my son. Anyway, my sister just had a little girl the other day and she has decided to call her child the exact same name as my little girl. I feel so upset as I feel my little girl gets no recognition from them, she has been the oldest grandchild in the family and now there is a child with the same name who will be a part of all their lives and when the name is mentioned, my child will never get a second thought, it's like she is totally replaced now and is a non-existent. I feel like her identity has been robbed from her, I love my child's name so much and I feel I am being robbed of even that. Am I being too sensitive or what? I just feel so upset about it. Of all the millions of flippin names in the world, she has to take my child's. Tonight I am actually really considering going to her house tomorrow and saying what's on my mind as I'm getting more and more annoyed. Thanks in advance.

Clampdown

I can see how it would be annoying but at the end of the day it is just a name.

Saying that your daughter is being replaced and being robbed of her identity and all that other craic is a massive exaggeration and you'll look really silly if you go over and say that.

Just leave it. Make a fuss and they'll probably just dig their heels in anyway. Let them name their kid whatever they want. So what if it's the same name as your daughter? She's not being replaced, she's the original!

In literally every class I've been in, and every workplace I've been in, there is someone with the same name as me. Doesn't mean I am not unique. That's just life.

amtc

I get this hugely. I love my name as it's mine.

Is it possible to spell slightly differently? I have two cousins who have very similar names but one has an 'i' and one doesn't. First one was named after relation, second after her mother's birth place Claire/clare

The bigger issue is your family split.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to adjust your expectations. People will do what they like, and you can't realistically make them be something else. You seem to be waiting in hope that your dad and his family will suddenly all become the perfect relatives and you'll have have lovely days together and your children will be welcomed with open arms.

That's not going to happen, whatever name the other child is given.

You're on the sidelines looking in, waiting to be called. Stop. The only one getting upset is you. Your children don't know any different. They're not missing out on a relationship with any of these people, because they've never had one. Your dad and his family certainly aren't thinking about you or your family. Sure they barely know your children, and never see them. So why does it matter what names they have.

It is possible to live your life without these people in it. It's actually easier in the long run, once you accept it.

Do not approach the mother. Names aren't copyrighted!! She's free to use any name on the world. Including your daughter's! It doesn't belong to your daughter!

Have you ever been to a counsellor. You are carrying a lot of anger and upset and maybe talking it through with someone who is neutral and an outsider to your situation would help you accept it all better.

Addle

I have cousins on both sides of my family who share names, male and female.
Never thought of it as an issue for anyone.
I think your feelings about your family/step family are making this issue seem a bigger problem than it is.
It's not about the name. It's about their treatment of you.

dixiefly

Considering your vulnerability I can easily understand your upset. Is it a case now where the family have family events & occasions and do not invite you?

I think your core issue is with your dad and h obviously knows that he has the power with the rest of your family to get away with this. If your siblings or half siblings had anything in them they would not allow you to be exorcised like this.

What about your mum? You didnt mention her.

Unfortunately there is very little that you can do regarding your half sisters choice of name. It is particularly nasty in my opinion if there are are very few grandchildren and smacks of arrogance or complete ambivalence to you or outright dislike. maybe you could speak to the half brother that you have some contact with and get an idea abou the motivation around it.

But, as others have said you are in a difficult position regarding this. I find it hard to say what I would do as I dont know the dynamics of the family but I think I would cut your dad loose and work on the relationship with your siblings on an individual basis. If I was to approach the sister I would do it through one of the other siblings.

Best of luck, life is hard enough without this type of cr@p.

dixiefly

Addle wrote: »

I have cousins on both sides of my family who share names, male and female.
Never thought of it as an issue for anyone.
I think your feelings about your family/step family are making this issue seem a bigger problem than it is.
It's not about the name. It's about their treatment of you.

I think it depends on the number of cousins, as the numbers build the names will be repeated. Also where they live etc. If this is a first child and live close by and there is already an issue there then in my opinion the half sister is out of line using the same name.

Big Bag of Chips

dixiefly wrote: »

It is particularly nasty in my opinion if there are are very few grandchildren and smacks of arrogance or complete ambivalence to you or outright dislike.

And maybe it's none of those things. Picking your child's name, that they are going to use for the rest of their lives is a huge deal!! I certainly wouldn't call my child a particular name just to have a dig at someone else. My children are called names that I liked above others.

And I think the only arrogance involved is on the part of the person who thinks someone picked a name to annoy them!

I understand your upset, OP, I really do. But others aren't thinking about you and plotting against you half as much as you think they are. Once you understand that you'll be less annoyed by them.

LynnGrace

It's not really about the name, OP, in my opinion.

As said upthread, I'd say names are often repeated in families; indeed, back in the day, the eldest girl or only girl was nearly always called Mary, or some form of that name.

I don't think it's a good idea whatsoever to say anything to your sister about this. Maybe write it all down to get it out of your system, then shred the paper or burn it.

There are much deeper issues at play here, and I echo what other posters have said, it might help if you could talk to somebody neutral, eg a counsellor about that.

All the best.

neonsofa

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And maybe it's none of those things. Picking your child's name, that they are going to use for the rest of their lives is a huge deal!! I certainly wouldn't call my child a particular name just to have a dig at someone else. My children are called names that I liked above others.

And I think the only arrogance involved is on the part of the person who thinks someone picked a name to annoy them!

I understand your upset, OP, I really do. But others aren't thinking about you and plotting against you half as much as you think they are. Once you understand that you'll be less annoyed by them.

I get the impression that the OP does understand this, that this is exactly why she is hurt. She maybe feels that they didn't give one single thought to her childs existence when naming this baby. That they won't ever think of ops baby when saying this name, they will think of this new baby only and that is how the op feels the child's identity is being erased. That they are behaving like ops child doesn't even matter enough to consult the op or choose an alternative name because she is not in their minds enough to be considered in this decision. (This is how I think the op perhaps feels, not necessarily a true reflection of what is happening btw).

I can absolutely understand the hurt, but the best thing you can do is shower your baby with the love you feel they are not offering her. Build up her identity yourself (I'm sure you already are) through the meaningful relationships she does have with people who treat her the way she deserves. Dont let her think it depends only on how these people behave towards her/view her because it doesn't. And you know this, it is just difficult not to care when it's your family who should be so excited and in awe of your child the way you are. Your hurt will fade op but I do think I'd feel similar if in your position because it is hurt for your child, not you. But thing is she doesn't feel it. It's your adult context that is hurting you, she is none the wiser. Feel better soon.

Big Bag of Chips

I understand that neonsofa, but whatever the child's name is is going to be irrelevant. So asking the mother to change it isn't going to improve that relationship. I wouldn't say it's a case of the child being erased. The relationship isn't there, for whatever reason, for it to be erased. Other grandchildren aren't replacing your children;OP. They just have a different relationship with their grandfather than yours do.

Sometimes that's just the way things work out. Your father doesn't sound particularly pleasant, so why would you want to force or encourage your children into a relationship with such a person. "Because he's their grandad"? It means nothing. They can live a perfectly happy and contented life without that grandad. They can't miss what they've never had.

Again, I do understand your upset that the family you had hoped for isn't the one you got. But trying to fight that is useless! It will do absolutely nothing to make the relationship better. The child's name is irrelevant. Your feelings about your family aren't though. And to get your head around that you should definitely look into speaking about it with someone.

It's not your fault. You can't change it. You can't control it. But you can accept it for what it is and be happy regardless.

mummyoftwo

neonsofa wrote: »

I get the impression that the OP does understand this, that this is exactly why she is hurt. She maybe feels that they didn't give one single thought to her childs existence when naming this baby. That they won't ever think of ops baby when saying this name, they will think of this new baby only and that is how the op feels the child's identity is being erased. That they are behaving like ops child doesn't even matter enough to consult the op or choose an alternative name because she is not in their minds enough to be considered in this decision. (This is how I think the op perhaps feels, not necessarily a true reflection of what is happening btw). n.

This is exactly what it is about. I am so sad that my child hasnt been given any thought here at all. I should clarify that my sister and I would've been fairly close in the past and she always thought well of my children and she has now distanced herself so much since she became pregnant and I have no idea why. And I wasn't going to start causing annoyance to her by questioning her on what was wrong.

With regard my father, I shouldve said, he and I have reconciled since, about 16 months ago and we meet for coffee and do be in contact and he sees my children too. I met with him yesterday and spoke to him about it and he said he is at a total loss as to why she is doing this and that even one of the lads in the house thought it was very weird.

Someone above mentioned how many cousins there were etc, my little girl was the first born grandchild and there are 4 cousins (my sisters girl being the 4th girl born) two of my brothers have another 3 girls between them. They live about half a mile away from me. And its not a family name at all.

strandroad

I agree with you that your sister is very inconsiderate. If you mentioned this issue to your father or brothers, they'll probably passed it on and she may yet have a lightbulb moment. If she keeps it though sadly there is nothing you can do...

PREG1967

mhge wrote: »

I agree with you that your sister is very inconsiderate. If you mentioned this issue to your father or brothers, they'll probably passed it on and she may yet have a lightbulb moment. If she keeps it though sadly there is nothing you can do...

Its a weird thing to do and lacks sensitivity

Big Bag of Chips

It's difficult to understand your posts. If you have a relationship with your dad, and he has a regular relationship with your children then why would your daughter's identity be replaced? Is there much of an age gap between you and your half siblings? Was your fathers wife ever a part of your life growing up?

Just because another child in the family has the same name as your child doesn't mean that your child is being overwritten. It doesn't mean your child will be forgotten and her cousin will be the only one the name refers too. People are capable of distinguishing between people, even if they have the same name. Your step mother won't have the biological bond to you and your children that she will have to her own children and grandchildren. Some people gel perfectly into new families. Others don't. There's no right or wrong really. My brother and my cousin, few months younger than my brother have the same name, but different surnames. My mam only has one sister so not loads of cousins between the family. Both of them having the same name and it causing an issue never entered my head until I read this thread. And my aunt and mam wouldn't be bussom buddies, despite living fairly close to each other. Growing up they were always distinguished by 'John Murphy' and 'John Smyth'! My aunt even called her own son by his full name when referring to him around us!!

You asked if people think you are over reacting and I think you are.

It doesn't matter if you're annoyed. It doesn't matter if your father thinks it's odd. It doesn't matter if we think it's insensitive. It's not going to change anything. You can't change other people and their actions. You can only change you and your actions/reactions to those people.