Advice on trans child's transition

Rob G

My child has a diagnosis, and at the moment dresses female at home but male everywhere else. She starts her 'outside the house' transition to Rachael this weekend.

This is her wish list for stuff to buy/do on Saturday in her own words...

-Girls jeans and girls trousers
-Girls tops
-A black dress
-Girls flat black shoes
-Tight underpants
-Nail polishes
-Lipstick but if i'm not allowed lip gloss
-Any other makeup if I'm allowed it
-New haircut
-Pierced ears (really want 2 studs in each side but if not one in each is good)
-Shaver for my legs and arms

Which of these seem appropriate for a ten (coming up 11) girl (trans or otherwise)? Sorry, single dad with no outside help so not really up on what ages are appropriate for what. The ones I'm really not sure of is the leg shaver, second pair of earrings (no problem with her getting one pair though) and I don't really know what if any makeup is suitable at that age.

Also is there anything missing from the list she'll need that we've both overlooked?

robyntmorton

Hi Rob,

Firstly, I'm glad to see a parent who is so supportive, and you will be a great help to Rachel in her journey. Kudos for that.

Now, with regards the list you have posted. For the most part, I see no major issues here. The clothes and that are all fine, though, like any parent, you may say when out shopping what is too OTT for a girl of 10/11. These things are judgement calls that you have to make.

I wouldn't go over the top with makeup at that age. A lip gloss, yeah. A nail polish or two (though I would recommend more neutral colours), fine. Anything else can probably wait a while longer.

Pierced ears? Personally I'd agree with one, not two in each side. As she grows, and has the maturity to make a decision about adding a second set, maybe, but that would be a couple of years, if not 5+ down the line.

The shaver? At 10, I would be saying (unless she is growing hair already) too much, too young, too fast. Again, it can wait, and, if you are working with an endocrinologist on this to block male puberty, it may not become that big an issue for a while.

I hope this can be of some help to you. While you are being incredibly supportive as it is, remember she is still a child, and it is not really helpful for them to grow up too fast. They should enjoy being children for a while as well.

Robyn

baby and crumble

Hey OP,

First of all, I really want to commend you on your support of your daughter. It can't be easy but fairplay to you.

As for the list, I would have thought 10-11 was a bit young for makeup and leg shaving- most girls I know didn't start that kinda stuff until they were in secondary school- but that was 20 years ago so times might be different now! I'd also start with only the one stud in each ear- but please make sure to go to a proper piercer, not anywhere that uses a gun (ie don't go to Claires Accessories!). She can get more if she decides she likes them.

On another note I assume you're in touch with the folks at Teni and/or BelongTo? I'd really recommend them- they're great organisations for information and support. It won't be an easy time, but my best wishes to you both.

Preemptive mod note: Oh, and I hope this goes without saying, but we need everyone to stay on topic. The mod team won't tolerate any "children don't know that they're really trans/ it's phase" stuff. She has a medical diagnosis and the OP is being a great Dad.

Rob G

The hair on her arms and legs is pre-puberty thin white hair. She sees an endo in Dublin (you'd think there'd be somewhere closer to Donegal but no) but isn't on blockers because she's not at the point of needing them yet.

I would have thought 10 was too young but when you actually have a trans child you get to realise if you actually take them seriously that it is more than a phase.

And yes it is hard, I've lost friends and lost family but I have to do what is right by my child first and foremost.

baby and crumble

This might be a weird suggestion but there is a product my partner uses (I don't shave my legs I am hairy as bejeesus!) that kind of "sands down" the hairs. I know that sounds really odd but rather than getting rid of all hair, it grows back far lighter and softer. Might be more appropriate for a pre-puberty transition? Although when puberty hits, unless she's on blockers it'll hit hard and you'll have to go up a notch.

http://www.boots.com/boots-smooth-care-silky-mitt-x3-10188392

You could also ask for "girly" advice over in the The Ladies Lounge, or fashion and appearance? I lot of those ladies know their stuff and might be able to point you in a good direction?

Rob G

Thanks Baby & Crumble.

She's being monitored and will get blockers when she needs them, to her the idea of waking up with an Adam's apple or a beard scares her badly, it would be like me, a straight, not trans man waking up with D cup breasts, so as soon as the doctor decides she's ready, I'm sure she'll want them.

I'm so proud of her, she is the most courageous person I know.

robyntmorton

Keep working with the endo anyway. They'll say when it is time.

You know already that this is not an easy road to walk. It is difficult for you. It is difficult for your daughter. It is difficult for family and friends. But, with someone so supportive so close to her, it does become easier for Rachael to go through all of this. Family and friends may not understand it, and may be against it, but it is good to see the people that matter most are there for her.

baby and crumble

baby and crumble wrote: »

You could also ask for "girly" advice over in the The Ladies Lounge, or fashion and appearance? I lot of those ladies know their stuff and might be able to point you in a good direction?

Agreed. What you want (as a single Dad) is advice on raising a little girl. As a girl I started shaving far too early (much later than 11) ... my Mam said I'd regret it and she was right (I hate that ).

Also, make-up? Double piercings? A bit too early for that in my personal opinion. I agree with the advice Robyn gave earlier, it seems perfectly in keeping with her age.

I think what I'm trying to say is that as parents of trans kids we can sometimes over-compensate because we're afraid we're not doing enough, if you know what I mean?

She gave you a "wish list" and she's demonstrated (with the lip gloss and the one piercing) that she's flexible, she's just asking for everything she can think of.

So don't get carried away or let her get carried away, you're doing brilliantly and sometimes you'll have to rein her in as any parent would

fergal.b

Hi Rob, sounds like your doing a great job I have a FTM son and sort of know what your going through although it was a lot easier for me to bring him shopping times are getting better and better every day for these special kids and your lucky she came out to you so early you must have a great bond, wishing you both all the best on your journey.

P.s. here is a Facebook page that might be of some help. https://www.facebook.com/groups/transgengerparents/




.

Rob G

Thanks Fergal. I think something that may have helped her open up to me is that she was always very effeminate and I thought there was a good chance my 'son' as I thought she was at the time would grow up to be gay so I was careful to make sure she knew I wasn't homophobic and knew it would be ok with me if that was the case. I think that she was always very girly also helped me accept it without too much questioning.

I do feel pretty useless though, I'll do everything I can within my power to help her, but I can't change what sits a few inches below her belly button.

robyntmorton

Rob G wrote: »

I'll do everything I can within my power to help her

In which case you are not useless. You may wish there was more you could do, but in doing as much as you are, you are absolutely making her life easier. That is something to be proud of.

Rob G

Thank you all so much. I'd never imagined how much support I'd get from here.

You are all great people, and I feel so much more confident now.

Redser87

In terms of the leg hair, just my own experience- I started using veet cream when I was 11 and went for waxing from 15 on. Less chance of damaging the skin with veet cream, although it is not as good as waxing or epilation long term imo as the hair grows back quickly.
If by arms she means armpits veet would also be fine if used for the amount of time recommended on the packaging, but I would discourage her from shaving the forearms, as I would any other girl. She is too young to develop a complex about forearm hair.
She may want mascara and if she does, I would go for clear lengthening mascara only. No colours at this age, early secondary school is time enough for that as it can really dominate a young face.

Annasopra

OP contacting Transparenci is your best bet

http://www.teni.ie/event.aspx?contentid=1534

Annasopra

SAIL in Belfast may also be a help too.


https://sailni.com/

Rob G

Big thank you to everyone.

Very exciting day for her it was today, and she is so happy now. Every 20 minutes or so she is off to the bathroom to look at herself in the mirror....

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP,

Just wanted to say I think you're doing an amazing job - most girls in this position could only dream of such support from their father.

I don't think I can really add anything new to the styling advice section - though you did mention the difficulty of travelling to Dublin for clinical appointments - so I thought I'd add, in case it helps - I get my check-ups at Galway University Hospital. I don't know if that locale would be an easier option for you or not, but I thought I'd make you aware of the option anyhow.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

Mountainsandh

Hi OP, you seem like a great Dad.
I have an 11 year old daughter.
Absolutely no on make up, that can wait until secondary school, preferably second/third year. Ok for the lip gloss though.

My daughter is not very girly, but I don't think she has ever even thought of shaving her legs or underarms, or plucking her eyebrows or anything. We're in the country and she goes to a country school so maybe they're all a bit more baby-ish than in town for longer, but none of the girls in her school do any of that.
If Rachael feels conscious about facial hair maybe at some stage, I'm not into that beautician thing myself, and I shape eyebrows or remove little intrusive hairs at home with a kit you can buy in the chemist, it's called Hair Off, eyebrow shaper kit. It's like little sellotape type strips, they're preshaped for eyebrows but you can also use over the lip if needed (you can cut them with scissors). They're really handy, and at least with them it will slow hair regrowth, rather than stimulate it. Not all chemists have it so look around for it if needed, it's worth it.
My girl is going through hormonal changes, and her hair is not great throughout this, so I got her chewable Hair Burst vitamins in Holland and Barrett, they're actually brilliant, in case hormonal fluctuations drive yours crazy, you might look into that. There's a noticeable difference since she's started taking them, and hair is important.

To be honest as regards the physical, right now, that's all I'd think of. My daughter is starting to develop breasts, but she doesn't want an outright bra yet, so she wears a sports vest sort of thing. Like that http://www.dhresource.com/260x260s/f2-albu-g4-M01-8C-39-rBVaEFd-YE6AB8sXAADzb-sbXyg592.jpg/wholesale-new-retail-girls-women-sports-bra.jpg
Even if yours takes a bit longer to respond to hormones, she might like to wear something like that anyway. My daughter is not very happy with her breast developing tbh, I think for a lot of girls it's not as exciting as it's made out to be : it's a hindrance for sports, and they're embarrassed and don't like to be a bit earlier than some of their friends. But I do think a lot of girls start wearing little vests like that around the 10/11 years stage.

Other than that, I'd say she'd love to go all out on girly stationary (pencilcase, ...) and schoolbag maybe ? Mine is mad into that.

Maybe a little handbag for when she's out and about at the week-ends ? Mine has a Penney's lady handbag, they're pretty age-less and an essential part of growing up into a young lady Penney's is brilliant for young girls : cool socks and pyjamas, girly sunglasses, some not too flashy (at that age) dirt cheap jewellery, hair accessories...

I think most young girls will spontaneously wait until 2nd/3rd year in secondary school before they start wanting to be sexy, and I think it's a good thing.

Yours will start the more gender specific teenage years just the same as most other girls, so the timing is probably perfect, but either way, good luck for the teenage years, I have my fingers crossed my little angel doesn't turn into a demon

JackTaylorFan

Mountainsandh wrote: »

If Rachael feels conscious about facial hair maybe at some stage, I'm not into that beautician thing myself, and I shape eyebrows or remove little intrusive hairs at home with a kit you can buy in the chemist, it's called Hair Off, eyebrow shaper kit. It's like little sellotape type strips, they're preshaped for eyebrows but you can also use over the lip if needed (you can cut them with scissors). They're really handy, and at least with them it will slow hair regrowth, rather than stimulate it. Not all chemists have it so look around for it if needed, it's worth it.

To be honest, if she gets the blockers before testosterone has a chance to run rampant in her system, facial hair shouldn't be anymore of a problem for her than any other young girl her age.

I also wouldn't advise any girl without expertise in the area to shape her own eyebrows as you can seriously mess them up - but that's just my opinion.

Mountainsandh

Good points, I know nothing of the blockers so all the better if extra hair is not a problem, however dark skinned girls do sometimes get conscious of facial hair even when hormones are not a problem. I know I did. I'm French so maybe darker than others on here.
I also know from my job dealing with teenage girls that the eyebrows are the first thing they zoom onto, when they start with make up. Only last 2 years or so, what with the internet tutorials and all. They tend to go completely overboard, take them all off altogether and redraw them :eek:
so the eyebrow shapers would be safer in that regard ! (they're preshaped to fit under and above eyebrow)

Although hopefully that trend is nearly over, I see more "natural" eyebrows this year.

JackTaylorFan

Mountainsandh wrote: »

Good points, I know nothing of the blockers so all the better if extra hair is not a problem, however dark skinned girls do sometimes get conscious of facial hair even when hormones are not a problem. I know I did. I'm French so maybe darker than others on here.
I also know from my job dealing with teenage girls that the eyebrows are the first thing they zoom onto, when they start with make up. Only last 2 years or so, what with the internet tutorials and all. They tend to go completely overboard, take them all off altogether and redraw them :eek:
so the eyebrow shapers would be safer in that regard ! (they're preshaped to fit under and above eyebrow)

Although hopefully that trend is nearly over, I see more "natural" eyebrows this year.

I have heard of eyebrow stencils before - but have never used them.

And I agree: more natural, less pencil is the only way.

I was also unlucky enough to have to go through the whole male puberty thing, so I have a painful level of knowledge on the subject of getting rid of unwanted facial hair after the fact.

I have managed to hold onto my thick and full eyebrows though - got a professional to start shaping them and haven't looked back since.