I think I'm gay

GroodyL

I'm really confused and frustrated and angry and I know in my head that I shouldn't be as my problem shouldn't even be a problem but to me it is. Basically I'm 21, in my second last year of college and in the last couple of months I think I've realised that I'm gay.

I really have no problem with people being gay, I would never think different of someone for being gay, or discriminate against them or anything like that. But when it comes to talking about myself I just can't accept it.

It feels like I can't be happy anymore because of how I feel because of this. My parents would never approve of it and it means I'll never have kids. I spent most of the day in bed today crying and just being really depressed over it.

About 3 months ago it became real to me, and it feels like its getting progressively worse in my mind. I told one friend and he ended up telling another and now I can tell he doesn't want to talk about it so I feel like I've no one to even talk to this about and also slightly that he has a problem with me being gay even though the rational part of my mind knows he doesn't have a problem with it. Everyday I'm sad and even when I'm talking to other people it's like there's this cloud of sadness over me.

I would do anything not to feel the way I do but I am only ever attracted to lads, I can honestly say I've never been attracted to a girl in my whole life but it's happened a few times with lads. None of my friends are gay, I don't even know any gay people.

I don't even know if I'm explaining this properly but essentially it's that I'm really sad over being gay and even though I want to be attracted to girls I'm just not and I can't help it even though I really want to. I'm so frustrated and angry over this as well, I rarely get angry over anything but about this I'm furious I feel like I want to shout all the time.

Please nobody take offence to this, I have nothing against gay people it's just hard for me to accept about myself. How do I accept it? It makes me feel so guilty even though I know it shouldn't but I still feel such guilt over the way I am.

AnnaSophia

GroodyL wrote: »

I'm really confused and frustrated and angry and I know in my head that I shouldn't be as my problem shouldn't even be a problem but to me it is. Basically I'm 21, in my second last year of college and in the last couple of months I think I've realised that I'm gay.

I really have no problem with people being gay, I would never think different of someone for being gay, or discriminate against them or anything like that. But when it comes to talking about myself I just can't accept it.

It feels like I can't be happy anymore because of how I feel because of this. My parents would never approve of it and it means I'll never have kids. I spent most of the day in bed today crying and just being really depressed over it.

About 3 months ago it became real to me, and it feels like its getting progressively worse in my mind. I told one friend and he ended up telling another and now I can tell he doesn't want to talk about it so I feel like I've no one to even talk to this about and also slightly that he has a problem with me being gay even though the rational part of my mind knows he doesn't have a problem with it. Everyday I'm sad and even when I'm talking to other people it's like there's this cloud of sadness over me.

I would do anything not to feel the way I do but I am only ever attracted to lads, I can honestly say I've never been attracted to a girl in my whole life but it's happened a few times with lads. None of my friends are gay, I don't even know any gay people.

I don't even know if I'm explaining this properly but essentially it's that I'm really sad over being gay and even though I want to be attracted to girls I'm just not and I can't help it even though I really want to. I'm so frustrated and angry over this as well, I rarely get angry over anything but about this I'm furious I feel like I want to shout all the time.

Please nobody take offence to this, I have nothing against gay people it's just hard for me to accept about myself. How do I accept it? It makes me feel so guilty even though I know it shouldn't but I still feel such guilt over the way I am.

OP, I haven't got much advice to give on this, other than just to say there's nothing for you to feel guilty about, your sexuality does not change anything about you as a person. I see you're in college, would you maybe consider talking to the student counselling service to try and come to terms with how you're feeling? It's sometimes easier to talk to a stranger than a friend. Take care of yourself x

GroodyL

AnnaSophia wrote: »

OP, I haven't got much advice to give on this, other than just to say there's nothing for you to feel guilty about, your sexuality does not change anything about you as a person. I see you're in college, would you maybe consider talking to the student counselling service to try and come to terms with how you're feeling? It's sometimes easier to talk to a stranger than a friend. Take care of yourself x

Last week i had full intention to go to the counselling place in college but its too daunting i know i'll never be able to. I dont know what i can do to accept this and although I've never been attracted to girls i dont know how to know for sure if i actually am gay.

Taltos

Is there someone you can ask to come with you to the appointment - not to sit in mind.
Counselling will really help you and as daunting as it is to you, chances are they've helped many other people with similar concerns.

Chances are none of us can tell you if you are gay or not, but a counsellor (not a religious one - my bias here) will help you work through your emotions and help you learn to deal with the conflict that is going on in your mind right now as well as help you prepare to tell your family if that is your wish.

If you are though, so what? You can still have children. Will you face issues dealing with bigots (even in your own family?) - you might but all of that is in the future and realistically there's not much point dwelling on the what-ifs until you talk to someone and get help figuring out if you are indeed gay or bi or something else.

PopTarts

Right now you probably feel this is the worst thing that you could be facing but there has been 1000's before you who have felt the exact same and have got through it.

Your parents will probably come around but understand it will be a shock to them too. It might take them a while to fully accept it, just like it has you.

Do talk to someone, don't bottle it up.

There is the gay switchboard who are there just to listen. They aren't trained counsellors but sometimes it can help just to say things to someone out loud, even just for clarity.

There number is 01-8721055. I think they have online support chat too at certain times.

More information here

http://gayswitchboard.ie

There's also BelongTo which is a support group for young LGBT people (14-23)

They can help and advise you too.

http://www.belongto.org/#

Mind yourself too.

GroodyL

Thanks for all ye're advice.

I'd love to accept it and i hope sometime soon I will. I actually feel a lot better even just from talking about it here!

GroodyL

GroodyL wrote: »

I actually feel a lot better even just from talking about it here!

Well if talking about it here helps, then talking about it here:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=255

will do you a world of good

As PopTarts said, I can't recommend BelongTo highly enough, they were brilliant when my son came out.

Just one more thing, it's perfectly natural to feel all of the negative feelings that you have lately. It's like one life is ending and another life is beginning. You have to take time to grieve the "old" life and then when you're ready to let it go, your "new" life is there waiting for you ... just as full of hope and fear and excitement and boredom and peace and turbulence as the "old" one.

And there's no reason why you shouldn't have kids some day.

bp

Ah OP i dont have any real advice but there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. It is daunting to realise something so profound about yourself so give it time and do speak to someone. There will be an LGBT society so maybe give them an email and ask could you chat with some of the members outside a formal setting.

Your parents love you and hopefully with time will come around. The world is changing and thankfully attitudes are too. If someone won't speak to you because of sexual orientation they really aren't worth knowing.

Rachiee

Im really sorry youre feeling like this OP. I can understand your upset, the vision youve had for your life has changed and i guess consdering you dont know any gay people you cant quite pictre your future.
I know you are probably too scared to reach out to the gay community to start meeting people and making friends so id say start with calling gay switchboard, its a completely confidential service and as its over the phone you wont even have to see the other person.
Dont jump to any wild conclusions about your future its absolutely full of possibilities. Start looking at internet forum and meetups and seeing whats out there without committing even in you own head to contribute and attend take your time with it, when the time is right things will start falling into place.

baby and crumble

I know exactly how you feel, OP, because it's exactly how I felt and how many many more have felt at some stage, and will again. That's not to downlpay your feelings in the slightest- just know that you can get through it.

When I was younger I wanted to be straight so much. I faked it, had boyfriends but everything was just a bit... underwhelming. I realised I was gay in secondary school and didn't come out to anyone until I had finished. I didn't come out to my parents and the rest of my family until I was nearly finished college. Those 4 years in between were awful in many ways. I had no idea how to go about "being gay". I thought I was destined to die alone, because as a butch woman too, I was the butt of everyones jokes.

But I got through it, met a wonderful woman and we're due to get married this year. We might have kids, we might not, but we can if we want to. Legally, we're so well protected in this country to have a wedding, a life, kids, a job... it's not perfect but as someone who remembers (and wasn't exactly young) when decriminalisation happened, it's incredible.

Yes, you may loose friends. I have. Yes, you may have issues with your family, and awkwardness. I did. But now everyone accepts my partner as my partner, and it's great.

Just try and reach out to someone, anyone. I know it seems daunting but is there an LGBT group in your college? It can be so refreshing to just hang out with other gay people, and realise you're not a weirdo, you're not a freak, and of course you can mourn the life you grew up thinking you'd have, but you can have it, all that will be different, really, is that you'll marry a man instead of a woman. Your kids can have two dads.

Like someone else said, feel free to come over to the LGBT board. We can be quiet at times but there's a lot of regulars who have been in your shoes.

Chin up!

LegacyUser

Hey,

I feel for you. I believe you feel bad as you now realise your life might not follow the path you imagined, meet a girl, big wedding, children, your parents being grand children. You now see your life as something completely different, a relationship that your parents will never approve of, no children's parties, no first day of school photos, etc.

I wish I could say something that would be really insightful & make everything alright, but that doesn't exist. My advice would be accept it & embrace it. Think of how you will have more disposable income for the rest of your life. You can meet someone, fall in love & have the big wedding. Then possibly fostering or adoption might be an option.

Your parents is a tough one. Some come around, some don't. If they don't come around let them fall out with you but don't you fall out with them. You can still maintain a relationship with them. It might feel like you are hitting your head against a wall, but stick with it. They'll probably say some really hurtful things & it is because they have the same fears as you do. The future they envisaged as now changed.

LushiousLips

Hi OP.
I just want to re irritate really what everyone else said......you are not alone. Use the counselling service in college, it really is good to talk. Don't be so hard on yourself, being gay does not change you one bit. Everyone who loves you won't treat you any differently and then those that do.......f*ck 'em.
You will get through this. All my best wishes to you xxx

Yellow pack crisps

Hi Op,
It will take time to come to terms with your sexuality and that is normal and to be expected. Most people will accept you for who you are including your parents and if they don't well there is plenty of supports out there for you to utilise and gain new insights. Being gay certainly does not mean you cannot have a family as times have changed and you will have the same rights as heterosexual people in that regard. You don't need to rush in to anything and you don't need to accept everything in an instance as it takes time sometimes to figure out life and who we are and what we are and what we want in life. Obviously I don't know your friends but maybe they don't know what to say to you or how to act around you as you have not really come to terms with it yourself and maybe they just don't want to say or do the wrong thing. Accept who you are is my final advice. Embrace who you are and don't feel ashamed or in mourning about it as you really have no control over how you feel or who you find attractive. Best of luck

sReq | uTeK

So what if you're gay. If people can't accept you for you they're not worth your time or money. As a patent of a 4 year old if he ever turns out to be gay you can guarantee he will have my undying support and love to get through it.

Society is changing and people need to get out of the Ireland if the 80s mindset

Wesser

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

So what if you're gay. If people can't accept you for you they're not worth your time or money. As a patent of a 4 year old if he ever turns out to be gay you can guarantee he will have my undying support and love to get through it.

Society is changing and people need to get out of the Ireland if the 80s mindset

I think the op s problem is self acceptance.