Break up due to depression

LostInTransl

Hi there,

My partner is going through a depression, struggling to get to the end of every day, and out of the blue broke up with me few days ago because he loves me too much to make me go through this, he thinks he needs to do it by himself and asked me to give up on him.

I am totally devastated and I do not understand why he rejects my help and is running away from everybody.

I know he might need some space but I do not know what to do.

Thank you for reading. Any piece of advice will be appreciated. I just needed to get this off my chest

gsi300024v

Maybe go see a counsellor who deals with depression and get professional advice for a session or two on how to handle this from an expert.

LostInTransl

Thanks a million gsi

gsi300024v

Welcome, I know a good one if you stuck.

Lockedout2

I'd agree, as with any problem the first step is to admit he has a problem.

Take the advice, get him to visit his GP who may prescribe something to get him on an even keel. The professional counselling will then prepare to cope when he comes off the meds.

Best of luck.

Afroshack

I can kind of see where he's coming from OP. I currently have it too, and the thought of having to cope with a relationship and everything I was putting my boyfriend through was too much and made me feel worse. Depression can make you feel like youre totally empty inside bit drowning at the same time. Nurturing a relationship can be so difficult when you can barely look after yourself. He's probably feeling very hopeless and might be struggling to see a secure, happy future with anyone. This will pass, but he will need help.

I would suggest try to be there for him as much as you can. Bring him to a counsellor, be there to listen and support him and help make his daily life easier if you can. My bf does small things like collects me from work, makes the bed each evening and walks with me outside. Small things but they make daily life a little easier. Is there something small you could start doing for him?

With the right combination of therapy or meds or CBT or whatever treatment he chooses, he can get through this. So can you. He might not feel like he can be a part of a relationship right now but he will still need support and someone to talk to. When he's ready, and the world doesn't seem so empty and dark anymore, and he gets better, maybe then he'll be able to see a future for you again

LostInTransl

Thank you so much for all your comments. Really appreciate it!

He went to the GP already already few days ago but it's still very early for the meds to work. In the meantime I will try to be there without adding much pressure on him. It is gonna be hard because it is so heartbreaking seeing him like that...

Afroshack, he is feeling exactly that way right now, hopeless, emotionless, like he is a burden...

Afroshack

Yeah that's how it can feel. I was surprised myself because I wrongly thought it was feeling 'sad' when it was actually just empty and nothing. An overwhelming amount of nothing. It was very scary and very upsetting and there was a time I was afraid of my own head. Your boyfriend might be going through the same fear and confusion, hence the making rash decisions. A relationship for him, just feels like less to worry about or feel guilty about. He probably knows he can't emotionally invest in you right now and he might not understand if he'll ever feel normal again.

This is not you. This is not your fault. This is not a rejection of you, but a coping mechanism.

I'm glad he has seen his GP. that relationship is going to be crucial for the next few months. Encourage him to have fortnightly or monthly visits if possible, especially because meds can have very disturbing side effects that may make him feel worse before he gets better.

I wouldn't push him to talk or open up. Just be "there" to listen, help with dinner, go for walks, watch a movie, go for a short drive etc. If he's working or studying he's probably feeling like he has to wear a mask so allow him to feel "low" in your company. Cooking, exercise, reading or anything artistic can be soothing for him during these low moods. Just be patient. Depression can lift.

Good luck.

LostInTransl

Afroshack, you cannot imagine how helpful your words are to me, they are letting me understand what my boyfriend is going through and how he must be feeling.

pilly

Hi OP, when someone is suffering from depression they automatically push everyone away. It feels like no-one or nothing can help.

If you're able to bear it then try to distance yourself until he looks for help but stay in the background if that makes sense?

Afroshack

LostInTransl wrote: »

Afroshack, you cannot imagine how helpful your words are to me, they are letting me understand what my boyfriend is going through and how he must be feeling.

No problem. Be sure to take care of yourself too. Best of luck to you!

LostInTransl

I am pretty positive about this and I am trying to stay in the background as pilly suggested.

Thanks you so much.

dellas1979

Am very sorry OP to hear your situation.

But, I really do think you need to listen to him here. He has told you what he wants (the reality). Youve interpreted this as "Ill hang on for dear life." and cultivated a coping mechanism of ignoring what he is saying (creating your own reality of this situation). The reality is he is saying he has issues he has/wants to work on, on his own. That is hard to hear (as he is someone you love). I beyond know how hard it it. Believe me.

I feel a lot of the posts are about what to do if you were still in a relationship (and getting him help). Youre not anymore (according to him). According to you, clinging on, you are.

You are going to suffer a great deal if the blinkers dont come off soon. Yourself esteem is going to go further south.

Its very very hard to deal with, because you love/care for him. But "hanging around" is not going to change his mind. Its only going to make you more anxious and hurt.

LostInTransl

Thank you for your opinion dellas1979.

OP, I have been where your (ex?) boyfriend is and know first hand what's its like to alienate and push everyone away because I didn't want them to See Me like that or be a burden.
For the ones who stuck with me and were there for me despite how much I pushed them away, I am really grateful to them. Hindsight is great.
You are doing the right thing, being there and being supportive without being in his face.
He will get over it with the right professional help and with people who care about him. It's not easy for you or him. You are the stronger one at the moment.
When you are depressed or manic, the one thing you should never do is make major decisions about your life. They are generally the wrong decision.
He might not want you as a boyfriend right now but you need to reassure him that as a friend you are still there for him.

dellas1979

Sorry OP - I just believe you are living in cloud cuckoo land (I can understand why. I really can). Am thinking of you here.

And I know youll put your own spin on it, to justify you being there.

You cant be there for your ex who doesnt want you there. And hope that if you withstand this, all will be fine.

You are going to put yourself through some quite bad heartache.

LostInTransl

Tthank you so much for your experience derekeire!

pilly

dellas1979 wrote:

Sorry OP - I just believe you are living in cloud cuckoo land (I can understand why. I really can). Am thinking of you here.

Have you ever suffered from depression dellas?

dellas1979

pilly wrote: »

Have you ever suffered from depression dellas?

I have supported and tried to be there for a partner who went through depression. I have friends who have depression. Actually, one (with severe depression) who was hospitalised last night.

Does that qualify me, or what ever your are trying to establish here?

The girl is clinging on to a guy who is saying he doesnt want to be with her, and shur, lets just all blame the depression. He has depression. He hasnt lost his mind. And he has chosen to do this on his own. No, lets keep blaming the depression.

He is a guy with depression, who has chosen to do this on his own. He has told her. She is in denial.

And to the derekeire poster who is liking everything to do with advising this girl to support him, and forget about herself, have you had this situation with a partner?

pilly

dellas1979 wrote:

Does that qualify me, or what ever your are trying to establish here?

I was asking a perfectly civil question, no need for such sarcasm.

I happen to feel unless you have suffered from severe depression you don't actually know how out of your mind you are. That's all.

You're taking a very aggressive approach to the OP, insisting she is wasting her time. You don't know that because every relationship is different.

dellas1979

pilly wrote: »

I was asking a perfectly civil question, no need for such sarcasm.

I happen to feel unless you have suffered from severe depression you don't actually know how out of your mind you are. That's all.

You're taking a very aggressive approach to the OP, insisting she is wasting her time. You don't know that because every relationship is different.

The man has told her he doesnt want to be with her. How do we know its not something else? Doesnt he have a right to express it? Have depression and not want to continue with her? How do you know he has severe depression?

And you were trying to establish something. Just because I dont have "severe" depression, I cant understand it? Or see what it does to someone? C'mon...

Afroshack

I think what we all need to remember is that depression, by its very nature, makes you feel as though you are worth nothing in the world. That love, hope, joy, laughter, sex, intimacy are almost like these abstract concepts that you can't feel anymore. Like they are distant memories, or unreachable finish lines thousands of miles away in the distance. Depression tricks you into isolating yourself from people who love you, because you either feel you don't deserve love, cannot feel love or cannot express love. All that you can feel is nothing. Emptiness. A black hole that feels endless. It's "nothing" but a very strong, powerful, all-consuming nothing. I can totally understand her boyfriends actions, as I went through the same only a year ago. It'seems only though counselling and medication and actually communicating with my boyfriend that I know it isnt "me" feeling this. It's the black hole that drains my thoughts and my reality until I feel small and exhausted and lost.

If this is what is happening to her boyfriend, he is struggling from a very real and very scary illness that makes you question everything about yourself. He's probably experiencing low moods, confusion, crying spells that maybe he can't understand or articulate. He might be convincing himself he needs to be alone and isolate himself as much as possible. Wearing a "mask" to pretend you are fine is exhausting. No wonder he has tried to push his girlfriend away. She represents the love that he can't feel about himself anymore. I did the same.

We need to start looking at depression as though it is a real, tangible, visible illness. This will consume him if he allows it. I think the OP is being incredibly brave to want to support him through this, which is why we are all encouraging her to. The worst thing she can do is walk away and leave him to face the black hole alone.

LostInTransl

Afroshack & derekeire, I can’t thank you enough for sharing your experience through depression.

I can see the point in what dellas is saying. Even though I am determined to be there for him without pushing myself on him, I admit sometimes I wonder if I am just postponing the end. And I know we are not together anymore, I am not in denial.

Anyway, none of us can know right now whether I am wasting my time or not. Only time will tell.

dellas1979

LostInTransl wrote: »

Anyway, none of us can know right now whether I am wasting my time or not. Only time will tell.

Indeed it will. Talking from a support side, it is very very very hard to see (and support) someone you love and care for go through this.

It can consume you too, and you will need an awful lot of support too.

In my case, I had to cut and walk away. I couldnt deal with supporting him and pushing away at the same time. His health and happiness is/was important to me, but not at the expense of my own.

And dont get lost in that.

I really do wish you all the best in what you have chosen to do.

Midnight Sundance

dellas1979 wrote: »

Indeed it will. Talking from a support side, it is very very very hard to see (and support) someone you love and care for go through this.

It can consume you too, and you will need an awful lot of support too.

In my case, I had to cut and walk away. I couldnt deal with supporting him and pushing away at the same time. His health and happiness is/was important to me, but not at the expense of my own.

And dont get lost in that.

I really do wish you all the best in what you have chosen to do.

I have to say I agree with a lot of what Dellas has been saying. Yes he has depression , but he has expressed a wish to be on his own. Whether this is the best decision or not, it is his decision and he'll either regret it or be the best thing he's ever done.
You need to move on with your life and if in time he decides that he's changed his mind you can revisit it then.
You have to ask yourself , what if you do stick by him and kids become involved ... what if he goes through another bout of depression and asks you to leave again. Are you prepared for that?? Is the relationship going to hinge on whether he's ready for a stable relationship or not from now on. Is it going to be on his terms?
I was in your situation before . Thought I'd never get over him. Turns out I did and realised how unhappy I was trying to keep him happy and not rock the boat all the time. Sometimes you need to take a step away to see the wood from the trees.
Just think long and hard about whether you can forgive him for breaking up with you when the going got tough.
I know I've not had depression and am speaking from the other perspective but you have to look after yourself first
Best of luck x

LostInTransl

Thank you so much for your messages.

I guess I forgave him the moment he admitted it was his depression breaking up with me, not him. That doesn't mean that if we got back together the relationship would be on his terms and trust would need to be rebuilt.

I have started seeing a counsellor myself as I do not want this to drag me down as well, and I have learned that I can change my mind anytime if I cannot cope with the situation anymore.

pilly

LostInTransl wrote: »

Thank you so much for your messages.

I guess I forgave him the moment he admitted it was his depression breaking up with me, not him. That doesn't mean that if we got back together the relationship would be on his terms and trust would need to be rebuilt.

I have started seeing a counsellor myself as I do not want this to drag me down as well, and I have learned that I can change my mind anytime if I cannot cope with the situation anymore.

Very level headed approach. Best of luck with the counselling, it will help.