Women, please advise me on the best way to break up with her

farmdogg

Specifically, I want to hear from you ladies who have been broken up with in what you think was a particularly good way. Where the guy did the most considerate things, while definitely closing the door.

Needless to say, I'm in a space where I want to end things, and the lady might be very into it. I've probably given signals that she's taken up wrongly: I snog with a lot of passion, even if I'm not particularly wild about the woman.

It feels weird to be like that one day, then say "I don't think this is going to work out" the next. Should I string it out for another two weeks, getting more distant and only going in for brief pecks before I drop the bomb? That seems like putting off the inevitable, just for the sake of not having a sudden transition.

(God, I sound so big-headed. I swear that's not me. Hopefully that's all in my head and she'll be all "LOL no worries buddy. Have a nice life").

So anyway: advice?

Do it in public? Send her a text with "we need to talk, and it's not great news" then meet her to face the music?

Main issue: reduce hurt for her
Minor issue: avoid a painful scene for me. And if she needs a scene just to blow off steam, so be it I guess.

Obviously, I don't want only female viewpoints, but I do want to hear from women about how this sort of thing has been handled well in their lives.

Hombre Lobo

There is no easy way. Someone will always feel hurt.
You need to man up and just tell her it's not working for you and you don't want to waste any more of her time.

Whatever you do, do not string this along for another two weeks hoping to put doubts in her head so she can resent you and hope she breaks up with you because you are too cowardly, or even worse, ghost her.
You'll waste two weeks of her time where she could possibly even fall more for you.

racso1975

farmdogg wrote: »

Do it in public? Send her a text with "we need to talk, and it's not great news" then meet her to face the music?

Main issue: reduce hurt for her
Minor issue: avoid a painful scene for me. And if she needs a scene just to blow off steam, so be it I guess.
.

For the love of God please do not do that.

As said above its not easy and in your head you are broken up. Call to her place and do. Do not have her having to travel somewhere dreading this bad news and what it could be or having to travel home possibly very upset afterwards.

Like pulling a plaster it is better done swiftly. Do not be concerned as to how you can come out of this smelling of roses.

Tell her that you are not happy in the relationship and you want to end it. Do not leave it with any doors open that may give her false hope or that messes with her head. Be truthful honest and leave it at that. Do not try to remain friends afterwards or text to see how see is or druken call etc etc.

njs030

There's no best way but don't be selfish. Being distant and cold before hand so she wonders what's going on is cruel.
Make sure you give her a reason so she doesn't waste time wondering what happens or worse still blaming herself- men have a tendency to just say "it's not working out", or "this isn't for me" which is very cold.
Be kind but clear and do it soon, don't contact her again afterwards.

mapaca

DO NOT string her along for another two weeks! Just bite the bullet, tell her clearly that it's just not working out for you and you want to call it a day. Don't make any promises about staying friends, etc.

farmdogg

notjustsweet said: "Make sure you give her a reason so she doesn't waste time wondering what happens or worse still blaming herself"

Well, I did a bit of thinking and I suppose the true reason is that I'm getting the "trapped" feeling. I love her bubbliness and the physical element with her, but I'm starting to realise we're so bloody different.

That sounds like something it could really be hurtful to hear. I really want to sugarcoat it, or maybe just say "I think we're way too different, and once we get to really know each other it won't work out. I believe I should trust my instincts on this, because it's better that way than trying to make it work and failing".

I'd like to hear from everybody what they think about the "give her a reason" idea.

njs030

farmdogg wrote: »

notjustsweet said: "Make sure you give her a reason so she doesn't waste time wondering what happens or worse still blaming herself"

Well, I did a bit of thinking and I suppose the true reason is that I'm getting the "trapped" feeling. I love her bubbliness and the physical element with her, but I'm starting to realise we're so bloody different.

That sounds like something it could really be hurtful to hear. I really want to sugarcoat it, or maybe just say "I think we're way too different, and once we get to really know each other it won't work out. I believe I should trust my instincts on this, because it's better that way than trying to make it work and failing".

I'd like to hear from everybody what they think about the "give her a reason" idea.

You don't have to give the brutal truth as a reason and definitely not a long convoluted reason that is just as bad.

I'm guessing it's early days so she probably won't be too upset.
Something simple like- "I don't see this working we're just too different, I've really enjoyed getting to know you.l but I'd like to leave it now. "

As said before no promises of friendship etc.

Sound Bite

As all other posters have said, there is no easy way.

The ideal way is in private, preferably in her place where there is just the two of you, no housemates, and at the weekend where she has time to accept it and not have to deal with going into work the following day if you think she's going to be extremely upset and shocked.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind- make it clear that there's no way back, that you won't change your mind and there's nothing she can do to change things.

Whatever you do try not to make say anything that will erode her self confidence e.g. don't mention attractiveness or sexual compatibility etc.

Focus that the fact the fact that the relationship just isn't for you. You can't see it working, you don't want to waste her time or mess her about when you can't see it going anywhere long term. Tell her that you believe in a clean break and that keeping in touch in any way will make it harder for both of you.

And whatever else you do don't give her false hope...don't mention bad timing, you're too busy, not in the right head space etc or any of the other easy excuses people use which only make it worse.

farmdogg

Thanks, Sound Bite.

Maybe I could say something like "I don't think it'll do any good to go into reasons, we're just very different people and over time that causes problems and it's better this way"

I'm getting a little hung up on this "give her a reason" thing, as you can see.

Losing her as a friend bothers me, because she is genuinely really nice. But it's best for her, I guess.

Sound Bite

farmdogg wrote: »

Thanks, Sound Bite.

Maybe I could say something like "I don't think it'll do any good to go into reasons, we're just very different people and over time that causes problems and it's better this way"

I'm getting a little hung up on this "give her a reason" thing, as you can see.

Personally I would find your wording a little patronising.

Firstly, it suggests you have reasons that you don't want to mention so she'll spend time trying to figure out what they are!

She may feel you owe her a reason if nothing else. Leave it at i think we are just two very different people and aren't compatible long term.

Don't bother saying it's better this way - she won't see it like that if she doesn't want to break up with you.

The reason is you can't see it working out long term and don't want to mess her about by continuing the relationship. She may not like it, may not agree with you but she has a clear (non hurtful) reason.

And forget about the friendship piece. You can't be friends when one person's feelings are stronger than the other. It wouldn't be fair to even mention it.

farmdogg

Sound Bite said "The reason is you can't see it working out long term and don't want to mess her about by continuing the relationship"

Yeah, that sounds basically perfect.

DPB74

Hi Farmdogg,

Well as a woman I think it is better to do it in person and try to give an honest truthful reason as to why the relationship is ending. If you feel that you and this lady are not compatible (for the long-term) then tell her this as it is the truth and painful though it may be you will both be better off. I would also suggest that you cut off all contact and don’t remain friends. If you remain friends then it will be much harder to move on and get over the break-up. Good luck to you both.

tara73

farmdogg wrote: »

notjustsweet said: or maybe just say "I think we're way too different, and once we get to really know each other it won't work out.

I think you gave the best answer here yourself.
Say this to her, it makes complete sense and it's the truth but you don't unecessarily hurt her by going into details.

As all others have said, there is no easy or unhurtful way of telling her, but thinking being to different is a reason every person can understand.

lawred2

Just be honest with her and don't use idiotic tactics.

lawred2

tara73 wrote: »

I think you gave the best answer here yourself.
Say this to her, it makes complete sense and it's the truth but you don't unecessarily hurt her by going into details.

As all others have said, there is no easy or unhurtful way of telling her, but thinking being to different is a reason every person can understand.

Everyone on the receiving end of that is going to ask for examples of those differences!

Big Bag of Chips

How long are you going out with her? Maybe she'll be surprised, but I doubt she'll be shocked or devastated or anything. It sounds like you don't know her very well so its not as if you're walking out on a 20 year marriage!

Do not say anything like "I don't think it'll do any good going into reasons" that has a hint of "it's not me, it's you". There's nothing actually wrong with this girl. She hasn't done anything wrong or terrible, you just don't think you are compatible, so leave it at that. Do not ask to "still be friends" it's meaningless and if you or she starts up with someone else the friendship will more than likely fizzle out anyway. Suggesting to stay friends is usually to ease your own guilt and see that they're "cool" with you breaking up with them. Maybe she will be. But if you breaking to with her is going to come as a surprise to her then she won't want to be friends.

Then again, she might feel the same and be thinking how is she going to break up with you because you always kiss her so passionately and she just doesn't feel it with you!!

tara73

lawred2 wrote: »

Everyone on the receiving end of that is going to ask for examples of those differences!

could be, and it's still everyones decision on the break up front to go into details, how much going into details or telling politely not wanting to go into details.

lawred2

tara73 wrote: »

could be, and it's still everyones decision on the break up front to go into details, how much going into details or telling politely not wanting to go into details.

of course

but the OP did ask for an approach that would be considered the opposite of aloof and dismissive

farmdogg

The way I see it it's a balancing act between saying enough and saying too much. At the end of the day she isn't right for me and I don't want to be giving her a list of what I don't like about her.

Any advice on how to handle myself in terms of body language? It seems like a hug would be inappropriate. (Master of the obvious, that's me!)

njs030

How long are you seeing this woman?

woodchuck

farmdogg wrote: »

Should I string it out for another two weeks, getting more distant and only going in for brief pecks before I drop the bomb? That seems like putting off the inevitable, just for the sake of not having a sudden transition.

farmdogg wrote: »

Send her a text with "we need to talk, and it's not great news" then meet her to face the music?

Please, don't do either of these things!!! I appreciate that your way of thinking is to try and make it come as less of a shock to her, but these are both horrible approaches. The first is absolute game playing. The second will just have her worried sick until you met.

Public or private doesn't really matter. Just arrange to meet up with her for something casual where you can have a chat (e.g. coffee).

How you word it is up to you and totally depends on your reasons. Personally I'd take the honest but gentle approach. Whatever the truth is, just sugar coat it a bit.

How long are you both going out? It doesn't sound like long from your post. If so, she'll probably be upset initially, but she'll move on quick enough too.

woodchuck

farmdogg wrote: »

The way I see it it's a balancing act between saying enough and saying too much. At the end of the day she isn't right for me and I don't want to be giving her a list of what I don't like about her.

Any advice on how to handle myself in terms of body language? It seems like a hug would be inappropriate. (Master of the obvious, that's me!)

I think you're starting to overthink it a bit. You're not going to be able to write a script of exactly what to do or say. You're just going to have to read the situation as it progresses and act appropriately. E.g. I wouldn't hug, unless maybe she's getting upset... but even then you'll have to read from her body language if she actually wants a hug (or maybe even ask her if it's ok to give her a hug if it looks like she needs it).

Skibunny77

I tried to be brief and honest with people in my dating days. I simply said that while I enjoyed spending time with them, it didn't feel as though that things would progress into serious feelings for me - and as thats what I was looking for, it was better for me to move on. I always found guys got that, as I was essentially saying that I didn't have an issue to raise, it was simply something missing between both of us. I always preferred making and having those conversations over the phone first, and offering to meet up if someone wanted.

B.A._Baracus

I say just break up asap.


Do it over a text, do it over the phone or do it in person. Your choice because stringing someone along is worse than how you do it. You'll hurt someone's feelings either way. Best to be up front and let them move on.

KKkitty

Be decent and break up face to face. Go to her place and do it there. At least you can just get up and go once you've broken up with her. Breaking up by text or any other method is horrible. She will be upset but better she knows how you feel than thinking there's something there when there's not. Don't leave it too long though.

SarahMollie

KKkitty wrote: »

Be decent and break up face to face. Go to her place and do it there. At least you can just get up and go once you've broken up with her. Breaking up by text or any other method is horrible. She will be upset but better she knows how you feel than thinking there's something there when there's not. Don't leave it too long though.

I agree with this. Face to face is the respectful way, and doing it in private is more considerate if she happens to get upset.

Don't deviate from the "I just don't see a future" line. Don't say any of the following "Its not you, its me", "I'm just not ready for a relationship", "I think you're a brilliant person", etc etc.

Even if the conversation starts to go around in circles, don't revert to platitudes. Obviously don't say anything to hurt her unnecessarily, but be conscious of fact that the person causing the pain should not be the person giving comfort. It only leads to False Hope City.

Also OP - how long are you together? Do you think she'll be particularly upset for some reason?

CobraClan

I broke up with a girl about a month ago and just told her straight out that I didn't fancy her. Didn't arrange a meeting or anything like that, just rang her! I was only seeing her a few weeks but if it had been longer like a couple of months then I would arrange meeting up with her.

Point of the matter here is if you don't fancy her end it now and stop wasting her time, ring her, send her a text or arrange to meet up, just let her know whats going on before you decide to take the easy way out and do a Houdini because that is going to be a lot more painful than any words you say!

osarusan

OP, if I'm interpreting your first post correctly, you and the girl in question are still at the 'snogging' stage?

If so, I wonder if you are perhaps overestimating just how shattering this will be for her.

gsi300024v

Just do your best mate, all you can do. It's not fun to do, but it is part of life. Sooner you do it the sooner she can start getting over it.

GuessWhoEh

farmdogg wrote: »

Specifically, I want to hear from you ladies who have been broken up with in what you think was a particularly good way. Where the guy did the most considerate things, while definitely closing the door.

Needless to say, I'm in a space where I want to end things, and the lady might be very into it. I've probably given signals that she's taken up wrongly: I snog with a lot of passion, even if I'm not particularly wild about the woman.

It feels weird to be like that one day, then say "I don't think this is going to work out" the next. Should I string it out for another two weeks, getting more distant and only going in for brief pecks before I drop the bomb? That seems like putting off the inevitable, just for the sake of not having a sudden transition.

(God, I sound so big-headed. I swear that's not me. Hopefully that's all in my head and she'll be all "LOL no worries buddy. Have a nice life").

So anyway: advice?

Do it in public? Send her a text with "we need to talk, and it's not great news" then meet her to face the music?

Main issue: reduce hurt for her
Minor issue: avoid a painful scene for me. And if she needs a scene just to blow off steam, so be it I guess.

Obviously, I don't want only female viewpoints, but I do want to hear from women about how this sort of thing has been handled well in their lives.

Honesty is the best policy. Tell her out straight. Yes she will be upset but you've told her. I was in this situation, but I was the one that was dumped. It hurts but is the honesty that made me respect him more. And don't do this "we can still be friends" talk. You say it will happen, it doesn't. It would be nice to still talk, but it doesn't help the situation.

Doddledoo32

Be gentle with her, if ye have been together a good while maybe think about it before you do it , it might be wise now but you may later regret it.

leggo

Texts and phone calls get an unfair bad rep. People will go mental at that but if it's not THAT serious (and it doesn't sound it) then it's immediate and there's no anxiety/stress while you wait to have 'the talk' (the receiver almost always guesses what you're doing when you arrange to meet up, generally because we try and give them a clue to expect bad news through tone etc to soften the blow), you can say things in a way that might be awkward/difficult face-to-face, and you can also avoid the begging/bargaining stage allowing them to begin grieving right away.

I know people go mental at the idea of it, but I can't help but feel that that's because it was said in some TV show or movie we all watched and it became gospel as a result. With hindsight, all break-ups I've had that went relatively clean and successfully (and I've been on both ends) have come this way. The messy ones have come after face-to-face encounters which ended up being marathon conversations where we break down and analyse each stage of the relationship and what went wrong, then later someone is like "But wait, you said this and that wasn't the case so...?" when the feelings aren't going to change so it really doesn't matter ultimately.

The one thing you have to be conscious of, and it's tricky because you're walking a tightrope, is that when you break up with someone you kinda owe them for a short while. You're after causing this hurt so be mindful of that in your reaction. It's often not good to keep chatting to them and be there for every question in case they start thinking you'll change your mind, and you gotta bite your tongue if they get frustrated and send you angry texts, but then outright blocking them is overly-callous too (they're the ones who get to do the blocking etc in the first few days/weeks, unless they get abusive). Just don't be a dick basically.

Ursus Horribilis

If this is still rumbling on and you've not broken up with her yet, then maybe Leggo's phone suggestion is the way to go. Breaking up with someone when they've not done anything wrong is a horrible thing to do but delaying the inevitable has its own set of troubles.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If this is still rumbling on and you've not broken up with her yet, then maybe Leggo's phone suggestion is the way to go. Breaking up with someone when they've not done anything wrong is a horrible thing to do but delaying the inevitable has its own set of troubles.

As someone who got dropped by text recently it's f**king horrible. It's also massively disrespectful. Especially if you've slept with her (and your physical compatibility comment implies you have) why not do her a solid, make yourself a bit uncomfortable and deal with it face-to-face. Unless she's a drama queen she's most likely going to be in shock if she doesn't see it coming and will say very little.

Don't text. You don't know what she'll be in the middle of, and have to deal with, while also dealing with your message.

Also, give her a reason. 100%. It's the best way to minimise her running through things in her head wondering what the hell she did wrong and how she didn't see any of it coming. Just my 2 cents, if you want to be fair to her.

Blush_01

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If this is still rumbling on and you've not broken up with her yet, then maybe Leggo's phone suggestion is the way to go. Breaking up with someone when they've not done anything wrong is a horrible thing to do but delaying the inevitable has its own set of troubles.

Breaking up with someone by text is cowardly, disrespectful and the kind of thing that stops being ok when you leave primary school. If ever.

If someone wants a reason, give it to them. I'd prefer someone be brutal with me rather than leaving me questioning what the hell I did.

leggo

Would you say it makes you hate the person who dumped you by text?

Eimee90

By text is horrible no matter how long its been. Lack of closure is awful.