the hubby

LegacyUser

My husband of 5 years is driving me mad we've been together 11 years have two children and get on super I want for nothing he provides everything for our family but mainly because he believes I should (as a mother)be at home when our children arrive from school. I'd love to go back to work.

He arrived home after a boys weekend with makeup and lipstick on his shirt. He told me while dancing tk our wedding song an older lady joined him from a hen party he said hi friend had it know snapchat but I didn't see a thing. There have been other things over the years like flirty texts from customers or getting pick pocketed in Spain by a prostitute it always sees to be him. But he tells me these things he never lies and makes a story up. Today jokingly my friends said I should ask him to do a lie detector test and I laughed it was all just a joke. When I said it to him when he came home he went mad I mean crazy I think two cases ended up in the floor along with a plate or two he turned horrible said I was a cheeky c### that wants for nothing and how dare I ask him. I have never seen this side and of course my friends are straight in there saying it's guilt.

Both his sisters have said it's unexceptable to arrive home with lipstick or a short drive customers should never feel they can flirt with him so I now I'm not being irrational but he frightened the life out of me earlier thankfully my children were upstairs and didn't hear a thing.

Any advice he won't attend counselling of any sort not even for anger it was an issue in the past

LegacyUser

You touched a nerve and you have a lot of justifiable grounds for suspicion.
Besides that, he's controlling, verbally abusive, blames you for his outburst, feels you should be grateful for him being a provider, has a history of anger issues and refuses to address them, has damaged things in the house in anger which is usually a step in an escalating pattern. I'd be thinking about changing the locks or finding somewhere to stay for a while if I were you.

MissShihTzu

Oh dear! Sounds like an awful pickle...

First off, I'd say you're NOT getting on super. It's only super when your husband is getting his own way! He sounds like a control freak. And I'd say you're definitely on to something there. This is not new behaviour. The signs were always there - the flirty texts, the lipstick, the anger when confronted. Hell - I bet the story about the pro picking his pocket is a load of crap too.

You've allowed this to happen for years and now it seems you've had enough. That's fair enough - life is too short to be putting up with crap like that.

Let the water settle for a few days, then sit him down and talk CALMLY to him. Don't mention the lie detector test. It'll only wind him up further and in any case, they are not reliable.

If he won't go for counselling? Fine. Leave him to it. But YOU get some for yourself. You need to think this through and decide what is best for you and your kids. Don't be played for a fool any more. You deserve better.

Good luck whatever you decide.

LushiousLips

Like above you need to sit him down calmly and talk to him, preferably when the kids are out of the house (they hear everthing!!)
I can't understand how any man can tell a woman that she needs to be there for when the kids get home from school. Could you get something part time for yourself? He seems to use money as a way of 'owning' you.
Best of luck to you, stay strong x

MissShihTzu

I should also add - A woman should always have her own money and the means of getting it without relying on a man to provide for her. I would make moves to get a part-time job ASAP as Luscious Lips says. Having a job does not prevent you from being there for the kids when they come home!

I would get that in hand as soon as possible. If you need to re-train to get something suitable, then do so. It'll at least get you out of the house and give you some time to yourself, and space to think. That's what you need to do right now, IMO. I wouldn't be asking the hubby either - Tell him. This is not a one-shot deal.

LegacyUser

I would not be putting up with this behaviour from him. The reality is things are fine once your doing what he wants but when he is not getting his way he behaves like a bold child.

I would get the kids out of the house and sit down to have a proper chat with him. I would just say to him that I want to go back to work as the children are getting older. If he says I want you their when they come in from school I would just say they are you children also. My feeling is your at home all day. He has meals cooked, clothes washed and your bring kids to match's, scouts, dancing ect.
He does not want you going back to work as it will upset the nice life he has at the moment.

At this stage I would just do the following - stop doing his washing, stop having dinner ready, start to go out with freinds in the evening so he has to be at home to mind kids. Get him doing the driving and collecting kids from football ect.
Tell him you going away the weekend you get your next childrens allowance. Let him step up to do the washing and child minding the weekend your gone. Let him spend 3 days with 2 small kids without you being their.

When you come back after this just tell him that unless you get work outside the home he will be doing this on a regular basis.

I would tell him also that you won't be spoken to like the way he spoke to you recentley. How would he feel if you said something like that in front of his friends or family.

The reality is that most woman work at least part time when the kids are in school.
As your children get older they will have more expense and in time they will need a college education to get any type of job. No one knows what can happen in the future. I have seen men with good jobs lose them and next thing the wife is re training or going back to work to keep the bills paid. Meanwhile he is minding the kids.

Keeping a partner under financial control is a strong indication of an abusive relationship.

Using anger to silence a questioning partner is a way of bullying and intimidating them into silence.

Using a grain of truth to legitimise a lie (yes, I've makeup and lipstick on my clothes because someone danced with me innocently) is a manipulative technique to make a discrepancy appear normal - and the makeup on his clothes might indeed be normal but the fact you somehow missed a snapchat that underlies it's innocence appears at first glance to be a little convenient.

One partner insisting the other is home for the children against what they want themselves is controlling and appears as though they feel they have a right to dictate what you do.

You don't get on super, you've just learned to cope with the confines of your relationship and to keep him happy.

The more you question the status quo, the angrier and more intimidating I suspect he'll get.

If you have any money you can put away, do so. Open a credit union account or an account in a different bank to your usual. Perhaps you could store a suitcase of essentials in a relatives house. If you can find part time employment and feel it won't provoke a physical reaction, then please do. Get yourself counselling. Discuss things with him when they children are being looked after elsewhere.

Think very carefully about whether or not you can live your life by his rules - implied or explicit - and if you want your children to grow up thinking this is what marriage looks like. Do you want your daughters seeking out a similar relationship, or your sons thinking this is how married couples conduct a relationship?

At the first sign of escalation of any kind, do your children and yourself a favour and leave while you can choose to. Don't wait until you have to.

Emme

https://www.womensaid.ie/help/domesticviolence.html

What is financial abuse?

Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence in which the abuser uses money as a means of controlling his partner. It is a tactic that abusers use to gain power and dominance over their partners and is designed to isolate a woman into a state of complete financial dependence. By controlling the woman's access to financial resources the abuser ensures that she will be forced to choose between staying in an abusive relationship and facing extreme poverty.